I hit my 16yr old daughter

[crapparent]

again. I slapped her face, grabbed hr hair and was really rough with her.

She is regularly so rude to me and shouts at me. I lost my temper, I know it is no excuse but when she is rude it hurts me so much and i lost it. I dont know what to do, this cannot happen again. DH on business trip. DD is being cold with me nd thinks I need to apologise to her. As I walked away from her, she also hit me on my back. This all happened yesterday evening.

Something I have realised about children whatever age is that they dont regard us with the same intense feelings as we do for them. My children are in my mind a LOT during the day, I'm always considering them.

But I know that they only really think about me when they want something- they are not being deliberately selfish, its just the way they are. I used to not give my Mum a moments notice unless I wanted feeding, or a lift, or a row!

I wonder if you are expecting a bit too much from your D in regard to reciprocal feelings, and it almost sounds like you have taken her phone away until she treats you with as much loving regard and attention as you treat her.

Which you may be waiting for for a long time.

In your post of 20:51, you imply that she is 16 y.o.
Are you giving her grief in the midst of her GCSEs?

D'oh! Re-read the thread title - yes, she is deffo 16.
Cut her some slack.

I have a teenage girl who from the age of 13 just shut me out. She is now 15 (16 next week) and yesterday I sat with her (in the same room) and we laughed at the SAME tv programme. Teens push all your buttons, they are you years ago yet refuse to believe that you once too were a teenager.I too thought the same about my mum, mums are aliens and no-one, yes no-one has ever had the problems I am having!!

The one thing I always say is this "I don't care that you say you hate me, nothing and I mean nothing, will make me stop loving you. I might not like the things you do (and yes I have threatened to take your door off the hinges if you slam it one more time!),but I was a teenager once and if I remember rightly, it hurt lots, every day there was a new challenge. I had spots, or I had greasy hair, my friend had more friends than I did, my teachers gave me a hard time, I was bullied for having the "wrong shoes", I felt "odd".
A bit grown up, sometimes like a child but mostly full of hormones.

If a shop assistant yelled at her when she was asking to be served, how would she feel? Life is about coping and tbh, most kids (and that's what teens are) save the crap behaviour for home, because that's where they feel safe. No matter what they do and they can try and push every button, they know they have unconditional love, 'cos that's what being a parent means.

I would apologise for slapping her and leave it at that. She knows that she pushed you too far but to grovel would be feeding her feeling that she's right and you are wrong.She can't expect to be rude etc and not have a reaction. Leave it at that, just because you are an adult doesn't mean you have no right to feelings.

I'm staggered that you seem to be blaming everything on her and accepting zero responsibility for how things are. I'd be out asap in her shoes.

I think that you are expecting too much from her and are too smothering. It always makes me cringe when people are 'devoted'to their DCs and always available. Of course we are all devoted and put our DCs first, but you do need to have your own life, not always be immediately available, give her benign neglect,not expect her to confide in you or be 'best friend'.

It sounds rather like people saying 'I want a baby to love me'-it is far too needy to project this onto a DC and make them responsible for your emotional state.

I'm sure that she does love you to bits, but she isn't your best friend and she wants space.

I would sit her down and apologise (not a back handed one where you make her responsible). Be honest-say that you get it wrong sometimes. Ask her what she thinks. Ask her what she thinks would improve the relationship-and listen. Make a fresh start. Respect her privacy.

OP as farces I can see from your first post. Is that the time you slapped her all she had down was not like something you said and not answered you as you wanted het to. You now say you've confiscated her mobile and won't give it back until she shows you some respect. Slapping her isn't showing her any respect. Give it back and apologise for hitting her. Then back off a bit and let her have room to become her own person. As I've said before 16 year olds often don't talk and the more you try the more they will clam up.

stickyj, thanks your post has hit a nerve and I agree with all you say. Sometimes, I suppose I expect a lot but beig a parent is so hard. I hae no family to help guide and advise me and DDs upbringing is a illion miles different from mine. I had nothing, mother worked always, not guided, motivated, supervised, shown affection. I am not even trying to justify my behaviour but from my own upbringing, I struggle to understand why when DD has so so much, she doesn't seem to appreciate anything and is rude and grumpy with me. Points taken though, from all of you, mostly I agree with. I will give her phone back, today, I will back off. I just love her so so much my heart hurts and I am so so sorry. I have explained to her that it is not ok to be rude to me and I have explained how much it hurts me and that it is hard to be a parent. \i even asked her what perhaps did she think she would do if she was a parent of a rude child, she had no idea which is not surprising i suppose. Thank you ladies. I have appreciated your advice.

I am rather astonished at the sympathy you have recieved here OP.

'I slapped her face, grabbed her hair and was really rough with her'

And then remained angry with her, whilst coming on mumsnet with a sob story.

I have no sympathy with you at all. You violently attacked your daughter. Would the people who have sympathised with you have been so sympathetic if the OP was a man who came on here to say how trying his wife's behaviour was, and he lost his temper and pulled her hair and slapped her face?

Pulled her hair? How old are you fgs. What kind of adult reaction is that? And slapping her face? Have you ever been slapped round the face? Do you know that (besides the physical pain, it bloody hurts) how humiliating and demeaning it feels?

Yes, teenagers can be trying and complete pains in the arse, I have one myself, but you are the adult and if felt like your temper was going you should have removed yourself. You have no right to assault your daughter. because that is what it is. If you did this to someone in the street you could be charged.

I am rather astonished that you still seem to accept that YOU deserve an apology. By clobbering her I think you destroyed the right to deserve an apology for her prior behaviour.

You are making excuses for yourself. Yes, parenting is hard, and perhaps you didn't have good upbringing yourself. That is no excuse, you know that hitting is wrong.

yes you love your daughter, we are all parents her, and we all love our children to the point of distraction. You are not some kind of special case where your love leads you to behave in a blind and thoughtless manner. Teenagers are hard work, they retreat into themselves, they are HIDEOUSLY selfish and self-obsessed, however there are ways to behave with them that doesn't resort to clouting them round the face.

You sound completely narcissistic. I advise that you go to your dr and ask for anger management classes, and face up to the fact that your reaction was completely out of order.

The thing with DCs is that you don't look for appreciation-they didn't ask to be born and they didn't come into the world to be responsible for your emotional state. It is a huge mistake to bend over backwards doing the opposite to your parents-your DD may take after your mother more than you and have loved a working mother.
Although it is wonderful to be loved you may not want to be told all the time. I'm not a very touchy, feely person-that doesn't mean that I don't have very deep emotions. I always felt much closer to my mother's family who were not always hugging than my father's who were very much huggers and kissers.
You really need to respond to the DD that you have, not imaging she feels the same as you, give her space to be herself and don't expect appreciation.

I think your last post is the main issue tbh.

You felt unloved and unsupported as a child and so as a mother you have done all you can to give your children the things you didn't have.

Admirable.

But you are looking at the way yo parent and thinking "i would have loved to have had a parent like this. I would have been gratefull to be so supported and loved"

You are upset that your DD doesn't appreciate you the way you think you would have appreciated similar parenting as a child.

You need to step back and realise that you have your own childhood to compare to. All your DD has ever known is a supportive parent. She isn't being ungrateful, but she is a teenager and all teenagers test boundaries and try to step out alone.
She wants space and time to explore life for herself.

The best way to be supportive of a teenager is to be there with a box of tissues and a full fridge.

I hope things have calmed a little at home. Who knows, if you back off a lttle she may well, in time, come to you.

I agree with MamazOn, I think I may be guilty of doing the same thing e.g trying to give my daughter the life I never had and feeling like she is being ungrateful but reading what she has said HAS made me realise so thank you MamazOn.

we are both back to normal with each other. I was not remaining cross and angry as Gotorf suggested. I was totally broken at the way 'I' had reacted to DD. It was unforgivable and I was/am destroyed by my actions. I have apologised. All is calm but no doubt not forgotten. I have a wonderful daughter who is treasured and loved beyond measure. I got out of hand.

Thank you to everyone who has advised me and no thanks to the few of you who saw fit to critisize and stick the boot in when I wished I was dead, i didnt need further confirmation of what a low life i am.

I am afraid that perhaps you need some sharp words as it does seem to be all a bit 'me, me, me' with your posts.

I am not going to be a twat and go through and C+P your comments, but when you have said such things as 'she seems very cold with me' and 'i told her I falt awful and just wanted to run away' this is all about how YOU are feeling, rather than the emotions of a 16 year old girl who has just been walloped round the face and had her hair pulled by her own mother.

You need to start thinking about how she is feeling, and not how her actions make YOU feel. All this talk about obsessive love is rot, like I said in my previous post most mothers love their children with a passion. You need to stop though expressing it so fiercely and wanting gratitude for it.

I do think you need to have some kind of therapy, I really think you should go and see your GP. Yes for the anger management, so that you don't lash out again, and for the needy and self-involved behaviours that you have displayed on this thread.

you talk crap Getorf, I am not needy nor me, me me. She was cold only when I was talking to her. I explained everything to her, I did not put any blame on her. You dont know me so I dont see how you can say 'i need' therapy. 99% of the time we have a great relationship albeit she doesnt talk hardly and is frequently rude, it doesn't stop me loving her and she knows that. I lost control. I am not proud of it. Maybe you have a perfect life, well good for you.

I am not perfect, no not in the least. I however do not condone what I would consider an unecessary physical assault, and no I have not ever slapped my teenager or pulled her hair.

I am not saying you definitely need therapy, I can't diagnose over the internet, but would you not think that you need to consider how you are behaving?

I am considering my action BIG TIME, what makes you think otherwise. I have not stopped contemplating my actions. I didn't come here for sympathy, I cam because I need to talk and I had nobody to talk to. Like I said before, I thanked everyone for their advice, comments but I sure as hell did not need any comments to stick the boot in further. I have sunk as low as I could possibly go and it will be a very very very long time before I feel worthy of being a mother

The big problem here seems to be that you expect your relationship with your dd to make up for the unhappiness of your own early life. If you stop to think about it, you will realise that this isn't actually fair. Your dd is not responsible for that unhappiness, and it is not her job to make up for it. You need to get adult help (counselling or similar) to deal with your own feelings of rejection.

Even when you tell her off or apologise to her, you still seem to be trying to guilt trip her all the time: how can you do this to me when I need your love so much? She will feel unable to cope with that guilt and may well behave unacceptably in trying to break away. Try to stand back from feelings a little instead:

"No, you are not to swear at me", is quite adequate without going into any long emotional talks.

"I am sorry I slapped you, that is unacceptable behaviour and will not occur again" will suffice without trying to go into any explanations of how you were feeling at the time.

What you have really been doing is not apologising but trying to put the blame on her. Remember, it cuts both ways- if it's ok for you to behave badly if she provokes you, then she may well feel it is ok for her to behave badly if she thinks you are provoking her. Or go into life and lay into a friend or teacher who for some reason was being unfair. What you want to her to learn is that there are certain rules that she must never break- and if she does, then she must take responsibility and not try to blame others.

Only dish out punishments as direct and immediate consequences of direct, clearly defined offences, not as a general "until your attitude improves". If her behaviour is to improve, then she must know exactly what kind of behaviour is on the forbidden list (e.g. physical violence, swearing at other people), not spend her life trying to second guess what is going to upset you.

sorry, missed the last few posts

but even if GetOrf has been a little harsh, I think she has made some reasonable points: what you described to us (and remember, what you tell us is all we have to go on) was not a proper apology at all, but a very qualified one- yes, I did wrong, but how do you think you are making me feel

and a very strong sense that your dd owes you a perfect relationship because of the way you feel

perhaps that is not what your rl is like at all

but we can only go by what you tell us

I wasn't sticking the boot in. Yes I understand that you felt regret, but it is not apparent anywhere in your posts what I would consider a normal reaction which would be 'oh god, my dd must ne feeling awful, how humiliated she must feel after being slapped like that, how unhappy' it is all about how YOU feel and how upset YOU are. You just come across as rather self involved.

It is not your daughter's place to replace any affection you felt lacking in your own childhood. I had a fucking awful upbringing (abusive, mother walked out when I was a few days old) but don't tell me daughter every 5 minutes how bad I feel about that etc. Sometimes you just have to be the adult, swallow things down, and get on with it.

I still don't understand why you confiscated her mobile after the event.

So you had a row, she was rude, you hit her, you both retreated to seperate rooms, you apologised, she was cold, you confioscated her phone? Was that the order of it. Why did you confiscate her phone? Because she didn't respond in the way which YOU thought was the appropriate way to your apology.

And yes I may be being harsh but I was a teenage girl once who was battered about (worse than a slap and a hair pull) by my gran, who then would retreat into silence for 3 days or so after the beating, and then come weeping and wailing and saying 'you made me act like that'. Look at it from you daughter's point of view, not your own.

Getorf, point taken, I can see where you are coming from. Just for the record, I do not tell DD i had a rotten childhood, because I didn't, it was just different. I was happy growing up with 'nothing' and I was never rude to my parents. The only comparisions I point out to her is that she is so lucky to have the priviledged lifestyle she has.

I was totally broken at the way 'I' had reacted to DD. It was unforgivable and I was/am destroyed by my actions. I have apologised. All is calm but no doubt not forgotten. I have a wonderful daughter who is treasured and loved beyond measure. I got out of hand

This is the whole problem.It wasn't unforgiveable, we all have bad days and do things we would not generally do. I dare say she won't forget, but in future you can laugh about your sillier moments.
There is no need for you to 'be destroyed'-it was a blip. Move on. It is a lot of unnecessary pressure to let a DC think they can 'destroy you' with a few thoughless remarks.It leaves them walking on eggshells if they are sensitive, or being hurtful if not.

Yes, but to her her childhood is normal, she doesn't really need to be told how lucky she is every day. If she is like most teenagers she will just do that eyeroll thing at that.

I didn't mean to be so blunt but for your sake I think your reactions to your dd need to alter a little.

Mind you do you think you may be going into a tailspin as your dd is getting older - my dd is 15 and I am frankly terrified that she isgetting to the point where she will leave home. I haven't let on to her but blimey it is hard. Severing the umbilical cord is proving (to me anyway, dd is blithe) very painful.

pissedoff, are you crapparent? If so, I really suggest you go and make a cup of tea and calm down. Then come back and look at this thread anew. At the moment you are (understandly) emotional, and it's all very extreme; your dd is the MOST loved, you feel like the WORST parent etc. Whether or not the posters who told you off on this thread were 'putting the boot in', they gave some good advice. Perhaps when you're feeling more relaxed you can accept that you are neither the best parent in the world nor the worst. Like all of us, you have stuff to learn. Like all of us, you have your own unmet needs and desires for affirmation that you project onto your relationship with your children, and sometimes it's worth thinking through how that happens and what the implications are. Don't beat yourself up, don't get defensive, but do try to learn from this.

Best of luck.