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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I hit my 16yr old daughter

90 replies

crapparent · 19/06/2011 13:18

again. I slapped her face, grabbed hr hair and was really rough with her.

She is regularly so rude to me and shouts at me. I lost my temper, I know it is no excuse but when she is rude it hurts me so much and i lost it. I dont know what to do, this cannot happen again. DH on business trip. DD is being cold with me nd thinks I need to apologise to her. As I walked away from her, she also hit me on my back. This all happened yesterday evening.

OP posts:
Original poster
crapparent · 19/06/2011 15:49

Thank you everyone for your input. I daily praise my dd for various things and tell her how much I love her. Daily kissng and hugging her, she knows how loved she is and what a priviledged life she has. One big problem, she does not talk. Hardly ever, only really to answer questions and then usuall y it is 'i don't know'. Its very difficult to engage in any conversation with her. She has nothing to say.

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Mamaz0n · 19/06/2011 16:00

She probably has a great deal to say, she just doesn't know how to say it.

something we suggested for a couple of families was to have a "comments book".

It was just a plain exercise book that they left in the hall.
But they could use it to speak with each other when they didn't feel able to verbalise what they felt.

The mum would write that she loved him and that she wanted what was best for him and was worried that he was spending too much time with xyz etc etc.

he could then, in his own time reply.

It meant that they both got out what they wanted to say. but because it was written there was no chance of becoming a fight. things could be worded carefully rather than shouting in the heat of the moment and saying things you don't mean.

Everything was there in black and white, to be looked back at and considered.

We used this with a few of families and it was quite successful. Obviously it doesn't work for everyone but it may be something to think about.

Original poster
crapparent · 19/06/2011 16:08

nice idea but a definate no no here. DD cant be bothered to even pick things off the floor let alone write in a book, sadly

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noddyholder · 19/06/2011 16:12

You may be surprised. I think its a great idea Get a book leave it there and see what happens It may take a while but I bet it gets used. I am thinking of nicking this idea myself Thanks mamazon Smile

Mamaz0n · 19/06/2011 16:13

Oddly, that is pretty much the same thing all the parents say.

Don't rule it out though.

Maybe suggest it to her.

Or perhaps you could have a diary each, that you agree to swap with each other at a later date. You can both fill it out as and when you feel the need. expressing yourself there rather than at each other.

Mamaz0n · 19/06/2011 16:14

hope it helps Nodders.

mumeeee · 19/06/2011 16:15

You need to apologise. Teenagers can be very frustrating but it is normal for them to not want to talk or to sayI don't know. I know I've got 3 DDs aged 24, 21 and 19. I have learnt to wait until they are ready to speak and have had many a midnight chat. The 21 year old was particularly difficult to talk to. Try emailing or testing your DD to tell her how much you love hef .

exoticfruits · 19/06/2011 16:28

I think you need to apologise and sit down and talk.

teapot5 · 19/06/2011 16:55

One thing I learnt was to be ready and available for my DD to talk if she wants to. I used to be really frustrated if she wouldn't but the 'cue' has to come from her, not me. Not that she wants to talk to me often but when she does it is always the most inconvenient time (ie. 11pm when I am just about to enjoy reading in bed). But one mistake I often do is to ask her lots of questions and she feels she's been interogated or lectured at and it all goes pear-shaped. So I am still experimenting. If something works - bingo! do that again. If it doesn't try something else.

May sound a little silly but txting 'I love you' or cooking somthing your DD loves maybe??

RoseWei · 19/06/2011 17:15

Mamazon and writer - I agree with you both. I once saw a mum with small child in tow - child had obviously said something like 'I hate you' and the mother said, very quietly, 'No, you don't hate me' and promptly gave the child a hug.

May not be so easy to hug an angry teenager (during the anger), but it should be possible to try to defuse with eg 'I love you'; 'I know you don't hate me.' etc. Then, as Mamazon suggests, walk away until things simmer down. They will.

My teenager DSs shout, moan, stomp but if I leave it long enough, they eventually come down and ask me what I'm doing/what's for lunch and similar such very ordinary questions. Or make small talk.

OP - as said earlier, be good to yourself. Teenagers have the capacity to hurt those closest to them very badly. They can say things that seem so cruel. But they are growing and those years are challenging and they probably can't understand their feelings and moods which are equally incomprehensible to us because we love them so much.

Agree with all who say apologise for the outburst but not for your feelings - they need to be addressed and dealt with. Don't worry about DD's lack of response - she's very likely most unsure herself as to why she behaves as she does, why you responded as you did, and quite what to say that would help put things behind both of you and get family life back on track.

AngryFeet · 19/06/2011 17:28

'trying to talk to her is so frustrating. She just replies 'i don't know', practically ALL the time, no matter what I am asking or trying to talk about. She shows little emotion at the best of times about anything.'

I was like this with my mum. She also hit me once and I have never forgotten it - I had borrowed her bra without asking. I didn't show emotion as firstly I was scared of her when she lost her temper and I always felt I was walking on eggshells with her (I still struggle to show emotion now and I am 32) and secondly because she didn't show much emotion (never hugged me or said she loved me etc etc). We get on great now and she thinks it is because I have grown up but a lot of it is because when I had my children she became 'human' with me and I felt relaxed with her. I spent my whole teenage years hiding away from her in my room or out with my friends. I was not even a bad teenager, no drugs or going off the rails, just a bit of drinking and staying out late. She just didn't get being a teenager as it was when I was young and didn't try to understand me just thought I was 'weird'. Even now I still think it was the way that she dealt with things that meant we hate each other for years.

She is being rude and disrespectful yes but you need to pull yourself together and find a way to make your relationship. Are there good books on teenagers? Counselling? Parenting courses? How is your DH reacting to this?

Original poster
crapparent · 19/06/2011 17:44

alemci, thank you. I will try and not be 'so available', thats a good point. I have always been available all of the time (because I want to, because she is here with me a short time before she grows and leaves home, because she is so precious and I want to be there for he always, because I thought thats what being a good mum is, always there, always available

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alemci · 19/06/2011 18:21

that is how I feel as well but I need to protect myself because it is just so one sided all the time with me running around trying to please them. The worse is my dd of 17, the other 2 are a bit more reasonable.

I think I am in their faces at times particularly my ED because my mum wasn't really there for me at that age but it is backfiring and I have to keep a distance.

She will be going to university in 2012 or 13 depending on a gap year. She is also in a relationship and she never tells me anything about that even though I have paid for her to go on holiday with him and his family and probably leaving me without a decent holiday.

also because she has a younger sister (19 months age gap) she tends to lean on her and they gang up on me at times.

I would love dd's who were a bit more caring and wanted to do stuff with me instead of just using me. Some people seem to have this relationship with their dd's but I don't.

Goblinchild · 19/06/2011 18:24

'she is here with me a short time before she grows and leaves home, because she is so precious and I want to be there for he always, because I thought thats what being a good mum is, always there, always available'

I know that you love her, but she needs space to grow and be her own person too. Do you have anything else to occupy your time, other than your children? You sound in danger of smothering her. Sad

usualsuspect · 19/06/2011 18:29

You need to try and back off ..she needs her own space to be who she is

As hard as it is ,you have to let them make their own lives and mistakes

you can't live your life through your children for ever

WriterofDreams · 19/06/2011 19:26

Sorry to go a little off topic but alemci I hope you don't mind me commenting on what you said. You said "she never tells me anything about [her relationship] even though I have paid for her to go on holiday..." That seems to imply that she is obliged to tell you about her relationship (which is a very very personal topic for a teen) because you've given her money. Does that seem reasonable? A lot of teens don't tell their mums about their relationships. In fact my sister doesn't tell my mum about her relationships now at 30 years of age because my mum gets nosey about it and my sister doesn't want to explain her every move. She tells me about her relationships (not that I'm really interested) because I don't quiz her and I don't say "oh what happened? why wasn't he good enough? why don't you get back with [long departed boyfriend whom everyone loved?" like my mum does. No one likes the third degree. You need to respect your daughter's privacy. Maybe then she'll be more willing to come to you when she feels like talking.

Mamaz0n · 19/06/2011 20:11

Have you ever watched a horse trainer tame a wild horse?

They sit in the pen with them. just sitting there. They allow the horse to know that they are not in danger, that they are safe with them and that they will be there when the horse decides to come to the trainer.

Sometimes I think that is the best approach with children. Especially if you have been a, perhaps, over attentive parent.

I was surprised to read you kiss and cuddle your DD every day at age 16. It is lovely that you do, but i would imagine that it is rather unusual for a 16 year old to allow it. That speaks volumes about how close you are, but it can also hint at the fact that maybe you are maybe too involved with her.

Your post about "she is so precious and I want to be there for he always," is a lovely sentiment but i do think that maybe at 16 she is fighting in order to gain a little space from you.
I am sorry, I know that that must be a painful thing to hear.

I would suggest being the horse trainer. Being there, being available for her to come to you. But be there in the background.
Get something of your own to invest some of your time in and show her that she is not your only focus.
She may well feel happier knowing that you aren't sitting there waiting on her hand and foot.

Original poster
crapparent · 19/06/2011 20:45

I have confiscated her mobile and told her she can have it back when she starts to show more respect. She is still be stroppy because I wont give it back Sad

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Original poster
crapparent · 19/06/2011 20:49

Mamazon, thank you, your post is so helpful

OP posts:
Original poster
crapparent · 19/06/2011 20:51

i always kiss, cuddle and tell my children i love them every single day, throughout the day, all the time. I openly adore them. I wasn't aware that it is a rare thing for a 16yr old to allow mothers to give such affection. she loves that i love to love her so much IYSWIM

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Goblinchild · 19/06/2011 20:52

I hug and kiss my two, although they are 20 and 16 and they don't mind and often hug me first.

Goblinchild · 19/06/2011 20:55

What do you think the answer is then crapparent, as you seem rather erratic in your responses?
Why do you think she is uncommunicative, shouting, cold and spoiled?
(your words BTW, I think I'd be out of your house like a shot as soon as I was old enough)

Georgimama · 19/06/2011 20:58

It's a little ironic that you were trying to encourage her to be more assertive, and then when she responded in a way you didn't like, you lost it and slapped her. Still it's done now.

You do sound a little smothering tbh.

Ormirian · 19/06/2011 20:59

"DD is being cold with me nd thinks I need to apologise to her. "

Yes you do. Why would you not?

cory · 19/06/2011 21:02

What I'm getting from your posts is a strong sense that you are giving her and feeling resentful at the same time: look how much I love you because I gave you this, now you have to be this loving and close to me! But that is not necessarily the thing she needs most at 16. Yes, she needs you to love her, but she also needs space to grow away from you.

You do sound a little needy, and that is very scary for a teen who needs to feel that she can grow up and move away without the need to feel guilty about it; growing away from you is after all part of a job she has to do.

I think you need to start treating her more like an adult. And that, for one thing, means making unqualified apologies when you have done wrong. The apology you describe was more "yes, I behaved badly, but it was your fault really". Well, perhaps it was, but it's not what she needs you to model right now; she needs to learn from you how adults take responsibility for their actions, otherwise she will feel justified in blaming you for what she does wrong in your relationship.