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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

what can i do?

37 replies

CherryMonster · 06/06/2011 07:37

ok, so i know he isnt strictly a teenager yet, but he is 12 and doing my nut in totally. he is refusing to go to school, i know i can get into a world of shit about it, he just doesnt seem to care. what can i actually do about it though? he is too big for me to physically force him to move, i dont have a partner or a car to take him to school. will the police or social services actually do any thing to help or are they likely to turn around and tell me its my problem and deal with it myself. i know why he is refusing, its because he is hellbent on pissing me off and this is his latest trick because he knows it bugs the hell out of me.

OP posts:

FellatioNelson · 06/06/2011 07:51

Right - the first thing you MUST do is go and speak to the school about this, so they realise that you do care about this situation, and you do need help and support to find out what the problem is. Then do the same with your GP and ask for some kind of referral for an Ed. Psych. assessment.

Tell us everything about his background that you think could be the cause of this. Had he always hated school or is this a relatively new phase? Does he struggle with learning, concentration or behaviour? Does he make friends? What are his friends like? Does he have any contact with his Dad? Does he manipulate you/bully you in all aspects of life? Does he say he hates you? Is he angry about something?

Original poster

CherryMonster · 06/06/2011 08:00

thanks for answering fellatio (seems wrong to be typing that lol) i rang the school last time and told them, secretary said she would get someone to ring me back and they never did.

will ring gp later and get appt.

background_ ok, he started secondary school in september, and to begin with he absolutly loved it, his first report was really glowing. its only really been since christmas that its gone downhill. he is a very bright boy, and has recently been put on the gifted and talented register for music. he gets consistent high marks at school even though he has stopped putting in any effort at all. he works well in school but rarely if ever does his homework. he has friends, but i dont know much about them as his friends at school are different from his friends at home.

i think his friends at home are part of the problem as they are all little shits, yes he see's his dad, and has just got back from a week there where his behaviour was brilliant. his dad also spoke to him and told him to do what i say. its really does seem to be that he is doing it to get at me, and i have had a guts full. i have just told my mum that if it isnt sorted by the end of this week i will kick him out, and i mean it because its making me ill. i have 3 younger kids to look after too, and really cant deal with him anymore. he does say he hates me, but not that often, he is a very angry boy, he always has been. i have involved social services, but i cant see them doing much to be honest.

OP posts:

tinkgirl · 06/06/2011 08:10

I agree with letting the school know. The ed psych referral will need to come from the school rather than GP ( at least it does in our area). The more you react though the more he'll dig his heels in. It might sound a bit daft but the chances are that something is going on and he doesn't know how to tell you, this might be something that you have done rather than something at school as it sounds that he is trying to punish you. If it was me then I'd spend some time with him one to one to try to get him to open up or at least to try to establish a line of communication, he won't make this easy for you so make sure that you have something planned. Professionally I find alot of kids this age just want some reassurance that they are still number one in their parents life. Stay calm and don't react no matter how hard he pushes you otherwise it will just become a battle of wills and like you said, he's too big to drag to school. Explain to the school what you are trying to do and you will probably find them very supportive.

Original poster

CherryMonster · 06/06/2011 08:17

thanks tink, but i have already told the school and no one got back to me. i cant give him the reassurance because i have 3 other kids to deal with too. i dunno what he is punishing me for.

OP posts:

tinkgirl · 06/06/2011 08:17

Ok just read your second post, if behaviour with dad was great then I would suspect that he has either got more one to one attention when he was there and you need to do the same. I know you have other DCs But you are on here posting about him so you need to make the time - easier said than done.

tinkgirl · 06/06/2011 08:22

With regards to school go directly to whoever is in charge of pastoral care, usually a dep head. He might be blaming you from anything from the flavour of toothpaste to the colour of his jeans. Unless you spend the one to one time with him you won't find out.

This doesn't always work but if you want to try to speed this up then ask him to write you a letter, it might enlighten the situation a little. The thing is though remember that this won't solve itself overnight, you need to invest time in rebuilding your relationship with him.

Original poster

CherryMonster · 06/06/2011 09:13

he doesnt get more attention at his dads, even there he is the oldest of 4. am going to ring school now and find out what they can do to help, i simply dont have the time to spend more time with him, i have a business to run, and 3 other, younger children to look after, two of whom have extra needs. and not only that, but every time i treat him or do something nice for him, he throws it back in my face and plays up royally for the next few days, i dont want to spend time with him when he is like that.

OP posts:

Original poster

CherryMonster · 06/06/2011 09:38

ha ha! my mate has just been round, ripped the covers off him and told him if he werent up in 5 mins and ready for school, her and her bloke would drag him there in his boxers. he is up, dressed and sat at the table eating toast and combing his hair.

OP posts:

uselesscamhs · 06/06/2011 11:37

If DS's school aren't returning your calls you need to write, e-mail or go to school in person and ask to meet with his form tutor and head of year, I think.

I think that it's the EWO Ed Welfsre Officer you need to be in touch with rather than Ed Psych? Unless you think he's not going to school because of problems with his learning? Camhs might usefully rule out an emotional cause for his non-attendance if you think he's depressed or anxious?

My DS had a spell of this sort of behaviour so I know how frustrating it can be. I found that the consequence of no x-box, x-box live, football practice, being grounded whatever when he refused to go to school focussed his mind and improved his attendance.

Can you get his father more involved? Or another family member? It's hard doing it on your own and his father has responsibilities for him, too.

I suspect that SSD would send him to live with his father rather than take him into care. And if you threaten DS with SSD he might feel very rejected or not take you seriously if you don't do it?

GypsyMoth · 06/06/2011 12:48

bump for confused posters

snailoon · 06/06/2011 13:51

I would suspect bullying/teasing at school. It might be very subtle, and difficult for him to admit. Kids this age can be REALLY horrible to each other.

feckwit · 06/06/2011 13:53

First up, I don't think this is particularly unusual. He's 12 and challenging the boundaries, just like toddlers do, and just like chidlren do at various stages of their lives. A way of him taking control in his life is to refuse to go to school.

So what can you do? Well you need to be consistant yet at the same time you need to make it clear it is not acceptable. I would be explaining in great detail the impact that not attending school will have. The reputation he will gain, the lack of choice it will lead to - after aall if you don't go to school, what college will take you in future? Who will emply you? No job = no home etc etc etc...

In a few years he has the chance to shape his destiny, at 16 he needs to decide which direction to go in but the choices he makes now will adversely affect all he does. An intelligent child will need to process this.

Secondly, saying you will send him away is not an option imo. You're giving up and you can't do that. You need to send him the message that you will NOT give up on him and that you are determined to support him.

Thirdly you need regular meetings with the school. Have you given him options on schooling? IE "You have to go to school but we can look at whether there is a school that suits you better". Talk about the means to an end, make sure he knows why you want him there.

Make certain there are no underlying issues - it seems strange he was fine and is now unhappy. Are you sure there is no bullying? But if you are, I would be taking him to school in pjs if needs be, I have done that with mine.

GypsyMoth · 06/06/2011 14:06

cherry wants to send him away....but get a dog....not sure how the 2 are connected here,but i predict this thread will be deleted just like the other one was.

uselesscamhs · 06/06/2011 14:07

Cherry. Can you you get your friend and her partner to help you out on a regular basis?

uselesscamhs · 06/06/2011 14:10

Tiffany Perhaps you should stop provoking the OP? She has had some sensible advice here. Wouldn't it be a pity for her to delete it because of the dog thread?

GypsyMoth · 06/06/2011 14:12

provoking? she also got some good advice on the other thread....and got it deleted as nobody agreed with her

its bloody annoying and timewasting!!

apparently its something she does,this is my first experience of it though

RichTeaAreCrap · 06/06/2011 14:25

Tiffany hasn't provoked anyone - she posted her advice on the other thread. That's what cherry posted for...advice. Well, seems not actually because as per usual she got the thread deleted when people didn't say what she wanted to hear.

A lot of the problems with her DS are of her own doing. She just won't accept any help unless it's something she likes the sound of.

It is a shame because it is timewasting and people have genuinely tried to offer help.

uselesscamhs · 06/06/2011 14:29

I don't understand why the dog thread has to be brought up here. After all a lot of people said to address the difficulties with her DS before getting a dog.

I still think it's provocation. But hey ho.

GypsyMoth · 06/06/2011 14:34

well yeah,maybe it is,i'm just a bit annoyed!!

weeks ago there was a similiar thread where every suggestion to help ds was blocked,no thought given,just instantly dismissed

then the other threads we've had where refusal to listen as resulted in same problem circulating for months,like this one. i have a ds same age and i get too involved! there is a real child behind all this somewhere and its frustrating she wont listen.
i was angry that after the seriousness of this one,a flippant 'i'm getting a dog!!!' thread appeared within minutes of this one being top of active convos.

for this poor young boy

MyCatHasStaff · 06/06/2011 14:42

for the poor boy too. The tone of the OP was just that Cherry can't be bothered with him, and then posted : "ha ha! my mate has just been round, ripped the covers off him and told him if he werent up in 5 mins and ready for school, her and her bloke would drag him there in his boxers." Isn't that bullying? I don't think it's funny at all that people who don't live/not related to him are allowed to come into his home and treat him this way. No wonder he has issues. Try talking to him, OP, treat him as a person, not just an inconvenience, you might find things improve.

RichTeaAreCrap · 06/06/2011 14:46

The OP's brother lives with them too and she has posted before about him shouting at her DS. Poor DS probably doesn't know who he has to take notice off, there are too many people getting involved with his punishment.

I think the poor boy has a lot of confusion and resentment in his mind. He is only 12. Imagine how he must feel having OP's friend dragging the covers off him and the thread of her friends DP dragging him to school in his boxers? The boy doesn't need this, he needs to feel safe and loved and maybe then he will open up and talk to his mum.

PinotGrigiosKittens · 06/06/2011 14:50

What RTAC said. I agree completely. Poor lad :(

uselesscamhs · 06/06/2011 15:29

RTAC The DS may have a 'lot of confusion and resentment in his mind' Who knows? I wouldn't presume to know and I doubt that you know either.
Although, it certainly sounds like life is pretty difficult for him at the moment - for many reasons, some of which are unknown.

I can't find the thread previously posted in Teenagers about this same problem but I do remember that removing the covers was a fairly standard manoeuvre to get a reluctant teenager out of bed. It's not intended as a punishment.

IMO it's probably an empty threat to say you will drag a teenager to school in his boxers unless you are very strong or they are very small and light, even if you are a powerfully built man. Authority is what is required.

None us know how well he knows the OP's friend or partner. She clearly needs help and support.

RichTeaAreCrap · 06/06/2011 15:44

I agreee uselesscamhs both her and her DS need help and support.

The poster has made several posts about her DS and her DB being less than helpful. I do agree that pulling the covers off him is probably a normal thing to do to get a reluctant teenager out of bed. However, I don't agree that the OP's friend should be doing this. Its just another person being dragged into the situation to give him punishment. Of course he must be confused. He doesn't know who ther person of authority is because so many people are involved in it.

GypsyMoth · 06/06/2011 15:46

and another thread has gone now!!!

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