Help, what can I do? What shall I do?

[josla]

Ds is 16 and starts his GCSEs in a week's time. He's been tricky to manage for 3 years, doing things like lying, jumping out of his bedroom window, swearing and shouting at us, drinking, but this week he punched DH in the head in an argument - he pushed DH first, then DH tried to chuck him out of the front door, so you could say it was on both sides. Anyway, after this huge argument DH told DS he was thinking what to do with his road bike - we bought him a £600 road bike as an early 'well done in your exams' present - we have punished DS for previous behavior incidents by only letting him have the bike on Sundays. DH and me agonised over it but we have to sell the bike as DS is being so foul to us - he is rude to us, shouts a lot, slams doors, really loud and nasty behavior calls us 4 letter words, etc - and we have 2 younger DCs who we have to consider. So we told him tonight we are selling the bike. He was angry (surprise surprise) but just said 'I'm going to take my gear I bought off of it' but he's gone. And I've rang his usual friends who he has disappeared to their houses before. I don't know what to do with him. He is angry all the time and won't listen - he storms off and usually I'm shaking like a leaf. I've been really upset this past week, I can't seem to stop crying. It affected my other children, and my work this week. Any advice anyone?

How long has he been gone for now? Have you contacted the police? I'm sorry you're having to deal with this :(

He left the house tonight at 10pm. I'm not sure the police would do anything - I'm sure he has buggered off to someone's house. As he has done before. But I just don't know what to do about the next few days, weeks, months... I don't want him in the house when he is foul like this. But he has to live here so what can I do to protect myself from being so upset? And to protect mine and DH's marriage - we argue over DS all the time as it is. :(

next time he's violent,you call the police!!

It's worth phoning them even if only on the non-emergency number, if it would put your mind at rest.

I don't know about the rest, I'm sorry. Possibly speak to social services? I just didn't want your post to go unanswered.

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time- and when I 16 year old boy is behaving aggressively, I can imagine how overwhelming and threatening that must feel. I know it's hard, but try to remember the immense amount of stress that he is under at the moment, ideally I would leave big decisions like involving the police until a calmer period after the exams, unless you feel actually at risk ie. if violence is threatening and DH isn't at home.

hope that didn't sound preachy, just posing my thoughts and trying to help
good luck, let us know when you find him

Thanks for replying. I'm on here as I can't sleep, just end up crying when I go to bed, so you've done a good turn in talking to me, I can't ring a friend at this hour! Maybe I will ring the police then. But do you think that this close to his exams I should just back off and let him calm down, and then sort it out gradually? I don't want to get him more stressed for his GCSEs.

cross post - thank you for that message too. He is a big lad too, I do get worried he will lash out without thinking - I really want him to see a counselor but he just argues no. I can't make him, can i?

I can't sleep, i just get upset when i go to bed and i feel like this. How do you calm yourself down when this tearful? I'll be a wreck tomorrow, but luckily i'm not at work. I didn't phone the police, as i said i'm sure he's at one of his undesirable friends's houses, with mums who don't bother as much as me. Wish i could be carefree but how do you do that? I am going to google how to calm down.

I feel so low, need to sleep as the two younger ones will be up in an hour... But as soon as i close my eyes i start crying, can't stop worrying, and getting angry at myself. Will check this thread later for any advice on what to do with DS.

josia - thinking of you .
Wouldn't advise any major action or decision taking while you're so tired and stressed .
Once younger ones at school can you phone in sick if working and have a hot bath ,lie in bed with radio on ?
You need to get some rest .
Personally ,my advice would be to back off - I'm sure he's vile ,but it does sound like typical teenage behaviour ,and he sounds so unhappy himself .
Think most important thing is to keep lines of communication open with him .
Is there anyone at his school you could speak to ?

Sending you strength .

When he turns up (and he will) could you ask if he would come for a coffee and talk somewhere neutral with you? It's harder for him to be awful in a public place! Then you may be able to talk about how you want to help him and what you are hoping from your relationship with him.

So hard for you to be calm and loving but if you can, it is worth trying to get him through GCSEs even if he is pushing all the buttons he can. I'd second getting help from school. It's absolutely not an admission of failure to tell them what is happening, they will have seen it hundreds of times before and will be able to support him and you - they will want him to do as well as possible in the exams.

Do hug your little kids as much as you can and tell them simply why you are upset. When my DS was the teen from hell his younger brother needed to know some of what was happening in terms he could understand because I thought that what he was imagining was maybe worse than the reality and also, he needed to be able to to talk about it if he wanted.

Remember to eat and breathe and sleep.

Call social services and explain how horrid the situation is with him at home.

Make sure you tell them he has been verbally and physically aggressive and frequently leaves the houses and goes 'missing'.

I'm currently in the same situation with daughter and we have a social services case worker coming out tomorrow to see how they can help.

You need to call them now as they don't really give much help when children leave school.

I feel for you and I understand how stressful it is.It's bloody awful dealing with it .

thank you all so much. I can't really talk to anyone in RL who is detached and can give good sound advice, so I really really appreciate it.

to update you - i had an hours sleep, so of course was beside myself at 6am when i got up with the babies, so I rang the police as I was in a panic that he wouldn't trn up at school. Two officers came at 1am and took a picture, and his details, they wen to the school and then rang me and came back to talk to me, anhe went to school. Thank god, and they spoke to him, they said he said he might not come home and so they persuaded him to come home sooner rather than later, and pointed out that he lives in a lovely home with loving parents... lots of tears from me at this point... anyway, so glad he's ok, and so pleased he went to school,

Maryz - personally i agree about the bike. I want him to have it as he gets so much enjoyment out of it, and it's good to be a fitness freak, then he might keep clean! But DH threatened and threatened to sell it and then DS punched DH - so I now think that if DH doesn't sell the bike then we are sending the msg that it was ok to punch him. I wish we hadn't have given it to him early... but then we would be arguing over something else.
you've given lots of other good advice, i will ask my DH to read it. The list I like too. I want to step back from him after his exams.

I know he is pleasant some days. In fact most of the time I am really proud of him. Outside the house he's so charming, but inside he calls us c*s and it is a war zone, treading on eggshells is how 'needadviceurgent' put it in her thread.

thank you thingummy - I will get number to ring social services, and explain and hope they can help. he talks about moving out, into a kid's house who has far too much freedom and a scatty home life, i can maybe ask them about that too, what would happen if he did that? I desperately don't want him to live there, but can I make him stay? (plus, a lot of me sees relief if he goes, so sorry that I think that, but there it is)

goldtinsel and gingerroots, thank you so much, and yes I will definitely ring the school. they have already done a lot with him, they have a pastoral support co-ordinator for year 11 and she's met with him before. she is lovely.

thelife, bertie botts and tilly - thank you for last night, i was so upset (i know i need to be calm, but how do you do that?) and you helped me a lot, it was like talking to someone.

and yes I am not at work today, the 3 year old is at nursery this morning and the one year old is asleep. i am distracting myself as i can't stop crying (I always do this, nasty circles of blame and depression in my head) so sunglasses to pick up DH later :)

I will let you know how I get on. And hopefully you will have more advice for me as actually i am so unlikely to speak to any of my friends, one is a massive gossip and it drives me mad when she tells ppl about DS's antics, and the other two only have little children and don't see where I am coming from, and I feel like such a bad parent then :(

off to buy something to calm me down when baby wakes up, some herbal pills or something to take the edge of the crying.

HI maryz, just read your next post, thank you for reading the other posts, yes there are some issues. DH is reluctant to do family counselling too. I have had some counselling myself, I would love them both to go with me. I think I need to find the right counsellor.

poor you, that must have been horrible. and I am in floods of tears over DS... puts it in perspective. Will wake DH up later and read this to him. He's never been persuaded by me before but I don't give up trying.

Must go and give littlest some attention - will come back later.

ps - i love the idea of a list of rules to stick to for the bike too, hoping DH will go for that.

Josla, you are doing really well in a really difficult situation. be strong and take the advice MaryZ and other have offered - all makes sense - especially trying not to too emotional. My 16 y/o dd had me in tears this morning and I've experienced a little of what you're going through with her going off and staying out all night and not telling me where she is, being aggressive too. I've tried to be less emotional and it had defo helped, but I lapsed this morning and it all got worse. Anyway hang on in there, I'm sure there's a good kid in there somewhere, as you sound like a lovely mum. Look after yourself.

Am slack-jawed in awe at Maryz's posts - I cannot stress enough how she totally has a handle on how to behave in this situation. It's not far away from dealing with a toddler really - model the behaviour you want, don't rise to their baits and keep emotional responses out of it.

I'd say the most important of the above was the behaviour modelling - if your DH responds to a kid's shove (which is unacceptable) by trying to throw him out of the house, he's escalating the situation when he is in fact the one holding the power and should be the one to take the heat out of the situation.

I'd be raging at DH if he behaved like this (yes, probably bringing my emotional response to the table but he's a grown-up!)

I'm so glad it sounds like you've had some fantastic advice here - sorry I didn't stick around long last night.

I hope things work out and improve soon :)

Maryz is very wise and knows her stuff.

I just want to add my best wishes.

My 17 year old DS is currently living in a council funded B&B in a horrible part of London. Despite having parents who love him and a room at home.

I am so very proud

We got to this point after years of horrible behaviour, rowing, stress, punishiments, swearing and shouting. He is not a terrible kid, he just cant live at home and there are reasons why. We lost his sister 5 years ago and when he reached the age that she never got to - he flipped.

Anyway. He comes and visits and he doesnt hate me anymore and he kisses me and asks me how I am. And he bought easter eggs for the boys.

I know you are in the middle of it right now and its tearing your heart out.. dont give up hope. Thousands are going through the same.

He will come back to you.

ah, thanks for more lovely advice and your own experiences, this helps so much.

Unfortunately I don't have anything good to add - DH got very cross when I suggested we don't sell the bike - said ' I am not letting him win' and then refused to discuss it further, saying 'you can do what you like, but that bike better come home tonight, if he doesn't have it you better go get it' (so I'll drag the babies out over to the kid's house and possibly have a row with his mother, great...)

Must stress DH not normally this childish - DS and DH really not getting on past few years - they used to be closer than me and DS, despite their not being biologically related - but DH came along when DS was 2 years old.

Feeling so much calmer, but still very tearful. Feel like I have let everyone down and I should have been able to avoid this. Feel upset I haven't stopped them arguing, like they are both my children... But also feel upset DS is so foul to me, and DH...

anyway must go spend time with babies xxx