Help, what can I do? What shall I do?

[josla]

Ds is 16 and starts his GCSEs in a week's time. He's been tricky to manage for 3 years, doing things like lying, jumping out of his bedroom window, swearing and shouting at us, drinking, but this week he punched DH in the head in an argument - he pushed DH first, then DH tried to chuck him out of the front door, so you could say it was on both sides. Anyway, after this huge argument DH told DS he was thinking what to do with his road bike - we bought him a £600 road bike as an early 'well done in your exams' present - we have punished DS for previous behavior incidents by only letting him have the bike on Sundays. DH and me agonised over it but we have to sell the bike as DS is being so foul to us - he is rude to us, shouts a lot, slams doors, really loud and nasty behavior calls us 4 letter words, etc - and we have 2 younger DCs who we have to consider. So we told him tonight we are selling the bike. He was angry (surprise surprise) but just said 'I'm going to take my gear I bought off of it' but he's gone. And I've rang his usual friends who he has disappeared to their houses before. I don't know what to do with him. He is angry all the time and won't listen - he storms off and usually I'm shaking like a leaf. I've been really upset this past week, I can't seem to stop crying. It affected my other children, and my work this week. Any advice anyone?

Hi josia

Been reading all these posts for the first time and, believe me, there is much good stuff here. Wish I'd known about Mumsnet when I went through a not dissimilar thing 20 months ago. DS was 21 - Ok older but it still hurt to the point of breaking - and DH, whose heated words over DS's behaviour didn't help - is not his biological dad but, like your situation, brought him up from age 2.

Most of all, I wish someone had told me to try to remove myself from the emotion. It's so hard when you're a mother and feel betrayed by the child you've given everything to but perhaps it's the only way to get through it intact.

I echo all the advice about looking after yourself, btw. And with two little ones (I had younger kids, too) - you need to be especially mindful of your own needs.

If you know where DS might be, can you speak with the parents in that house? Keeping all possible lines of communication open is essential.

The bike and DH - could someone else talk to DH? This is something precious to DS - and yes, a useful bargaining tool re behaviour after exam time - and something you and DH bought because you love him. So, it's much more than a bike!

Yes, your DS will come back - and, MrsDeVere is so right - you are not alone in this.

I completely agree with Maryz - the exams matter more than the bike - the exams are for ever, and with the bike
a) giving it early for good results he hasn't got yet puts him under pressure to do well, over and above the inevitable GCSE pressure (I have a year 11 DD so know about that too!), thus making the exams more of an issue than ever
b) if you gave him the bike, it's his, and not really yours to take away, as Maryz said. And something that was given for one thing (exams) can't be taken away for another thing (behaviour) without confusing the issue, quite apart from the fact that once it was given to him it was his.
I feel very sorry for you, caught between them, but I do think that irrational behaviour is a 16 year old's way of coping with exam stress - my DD weeps and shouts instead of hitting etc, but it's equally irrational - and that the role of adults is to let things go that they otherwise wouldn't, keep calm, and reassure them. The exams will all be over soon enough. I do see why your DS reacted as he did, and I don't think your DH has been all that helpful. It sounds as if he (DH) is treating it as a man power struggle when it may be more DS just being overwhelmed by everything.
Can you think of another less emotionally charged punishment that would satisfy DH while not involving the bike? I really agree with Maryz that the occasional willingness to admit one was wrong can be hugely valuable rather than a sign of weakness.
I do hope you find some resolution here.

Thank you again everyone. Things have changed now, DS is at a lad's house who lives with his Nan, and she is out of the house from very early to pretty late, and this lad can do what he likes. So DS is refusing to come home. and now he is thinking he can stay so DS is refusing to come home. He refused to talk to me yesterday and was hiding behind a large group of teens in this lad's flat. This is the worst place for him 6 days before his GCSE exams. there are better things to go than than in this flat. I tried to speak to him but he just screamed 4 letter words at me - some of the teens there I know them and they had the decency to looked shocked. I was in floods of tears again. I asked the lad to get his nan to ring me when she got in, and she rang at 8pm, and said he can stay here. But I don't want him to stay there, I want him to come home or to go his Grandma's up the road, or his Uncle's, round the corner from the lad's house. The nan said she would speak to him but then I rang at 10:30 pm and she hadn't. DS is so stubborn he will stay there, he can't stay there, what can I do? The school were not that helpful yesterday, they tried but DS is the most stubborn and argumentative boy when he gets in a rage, the blinkers come on and he won't see anything other than what he wants... what am i going to do? also he is quite manipulative and he's doing that now. :(

sorry thats an awful meassage, i haven't had enough rest and i'm really down, can't get my words right

OK, you know where he is, that's good. It's not a great place but it's safe and you are able to talk to the adult there and to your DS. He's trying to show he is big enough to make all these choices for himself isn't he so be as calm as you can and keep in contact.

No one will want an extra 16 year old living with them for long and if you stay friendly and communicative your DS will know in his heart he can come home without losing face too much. The fact that he is going to school is very good! So is the fact that his friends were shocked by his rudeness, hopefully at some point they will talk some sense to him.

It's so hard watching our big kids mess up. I would talk to his school again today and tell them where he stayed last night, ask them to talk to him again today. They will be used to stroppy, manipulative kids.

I wanted to message you as I was in your current predicament up until last week as our daughter decided to up sticks at 15 and moved into a house which was completely unsuitable (woman allowed teens in and they had a free rein to do what the hell they liked).

I called SS after a week of her not living here and by that time she had turned 16 and thus,a difficult age to legally do anything about where she was living.SS listened to me about my concerns and were sympathetic but offered no real concrete help.

I made sure her school was well aware that she wasn't residing at home and if she didn't attend school,it was because this woman wasn't enforcing school attendance.I certainly recommend you speak to your sons head or deputy and explain the situation fully-they sent me her lesson timetable,exam time table and called when she didn't attend school so I was in the loop (and also it was back-up evidence if I needed to report this woman for lack of care).

The main thing we also did was to refuse to fund her in anyway so the woman had to fund her food,clothes or whatnot.I didn't think any money we gave would go on worthy things so refused.It seems that is one of the reasons why she ended back at home last week.

It turns out I was totally correct in my assumptions and worries-she came back home last week with a stinking attitude (swearing and verbal abuse and EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT!) a tattoo,underage drinking and there are rumours of her sleeping with some random from FB.

I have called SS again and they are finally coming today with a view to help us all,I'm not holding my breath to be honest but it's getting to the stage where if her behaviour doesn't change we will have to think about her going into care as I'm getting mentally exhausted,dh is on the edge and ds who is 8 cannot bare being in the same room as her due to her bullying and angry outbursts.

Do give SS a call,I'm not saying they will help for sure but if he is going to come home at some point (and he will)-you'll need a network of help.

Do you have a behavioural support worker attached to the school?

We do and I have made them also clear of the current situation at home and how bloody tough we are finding it and daughter is also being disruptive at school so it's clear she is pushing boundaries in all areas of her life.

Fab time to start screwing up isn't it? GCSE exam start next week for daughter

Feel free to Pm me at any time (I don't sleep much at the moment through the stress of it all).

Thoughts x

You poor thing, i'll send you a message. It's hard isn't it, i don't know what to do all the time.
Well it's calmed down lots here. I rang DS , by ringing his friends phone and spopke to him at 6am so that he would be calm and quiet and docile, and i told him i loved him and i was proud of him going to school and did he need anything. I dropped off some things for him at school, i rang the woman whose house it was, i spoke to the school who promised a counsellor, i got my sister to come over from london to help me look after the two babies... And most importantly i gave DH some options so that he could have a think. Anyway DS is now back at home, and so far things are ok... I can't thank you guys enough for the advice and support. I have told DS there cannot be any violence, and he must tell us where he is, and that he can go to his grandma's anytime. I am trying to think what to do to avoid a repeat of this event but at the same time i think it's bound to happen again. Now DS has crossd the line i think it is going to be easier for him to cross it again. Anyway, i just want to say thank you so much
Xxxx