Violent and abusive teenager

[EndoftheroadMum]

Hi I am a mum of three children 23, 13 and 12. It is my twelve year old girl who is causing me so much pain and alarm at the moment. She started puperty quite young - 8 years - first period at 10 years. She was the most loving adouring caring kind and considerate young girl. Excellent at school did chores and wanted to be with me most of the time. Yes they grow up find friends and move away slightly at secondary school. Having already had a teenager who has now left home I have experienced this before. My daughter has become over time less obedient in the home and now abusive towards me and violent. This was and still mainly aimed at me (mum) but has now started with dad and brother. The abuse is unbelievable not the usual I hate you you are not fair etc but I want to kill you, I wish you were dead , untill you die I will carry on like this. Please have me taken away or send me to boarding school. She phsyically kicks hits and punches and I have the bruises from this. She smashes things bang doors and breaks my property. I have had to call the police on three occassions - the hardest thing any mother has to do - but she does not appear to understand the serious of the nature of her behaviour. I have tried taking phone away etc for a period of time, grounding, stopping all clubs - no use. I have tried giving her normal things - no different. I really at my wits end and do not know what is fueling her anger. This is happening every morning before school and every day after school untill bedtime and sometimes later. All parental control has been lost. I have contacted social services - no help. I have contacted my GP - no help. so I am now here wondering if anyone is in the same position and what stratigies they used to gaoin control and have their child back. Thsi behaviour does not happen at school in company of other people she has a good circle of friends and if I have to have her removed from the home to another family member due to behaviour she is good. Any ideas would be great and thanks

got to go out.....will come back and read this properly!

i have also called police on my own daughter,you arent alone! i've skim read your post and sww alot of similarities. we are,however,getting through

i'll be back to let you know what we have done,chin up!!!

Could it be PMT?

Hi, I've been here too - I've never called the police but I'm going to the next time she starts smashing things.

It sounds like you could do with some CAMHS support, you'll need her to come to the docs with you in order to get a referral. They can offer either one to one counselling, or family therapy.

I would go back to the GP and ask for a referral to Camhs (children/adolescent mental health services)

Hey thanks for quick replies. Which docotor etc were as quick. Never used this site before. Since she has been home freom school today I have been kicked and punched again had the ironing board pushed against me so I cannot move and more general abuse. I have remained calm and said that if she continued this evening she would not be able to go to cadets. Wrong/right thing who knows but stood my ground. She is now not going to cadets as she carried on hitting me. Been to CAMHS through school she said she did not want to talk to anyone do it so it stopped!!!! Can you believe it - how is a 12 year old capable of that decision and secondly should not be allowed to make that decision.

Just a small thought - are you sure nothing is going on at school ? You mention it happens every morning before she goes. She could be having some problems and be lashing out at you............ always hurt the ones you love hey. Bullying, finding school challenging/boring etc

Kids that age won't tell us much will they, so she could be "blaming" you for not sorting it out, but also not wanting to tell you as kids don't do they. I think kids expect us to be psychic as the problem of course is she's not so likely to tell mum and dad if there is an issue.

Does she have a counsellor within school?

It maybe a idea to call a meeting to see if her behaviour is being noticed at school and to see if she can talk to a connexions counsellor?

I understand how you feel as my own daughter was very abusive in the home (and is now disruptive within the school enviroment).I don't have any concrete answers I'm afraid,our daughter is now not living at home but that's another story.

I do think if you are frightened or she hurts you physically,you should call the police.

Don't stand for any abuse-you wouldn't accept this if it was your dh being abusive towards you,would you?

my dd has calmed and benifitted a little from going on the pill

the violence has to stop.

do call police next time,it might shock her into stopping. they are actually quite good with wayward teens....my own dd now wants to be a police officer as a result,so a silver lining. took 3 arrests and 3 nights in the cells. we now have youth offending team involved,which is positive

also,you need to walk away from alot of it......just keep communications short and to the point

Hi daughter is due to see police agin tonight re youth offending team but not sure how it works and what they will do. How sucessesful was it for you and what sort of things did they do? I have to give another statement tonight and so does husband and son - god it is so hard!!!!

well dd has to work with them,she knows this. they come out to the house and spend an hour with her doing work on areas of concern. in dd case its consequences. how her behaviour impacts on others etc. its all talking and filling out questionaire type things which make her look at different ways of behaving. dd is sometimes very open and chatty,other times sullen and not interested. this doesnt phase YOT workers.

there is also support for parents from a separate worker. i have someone coming out to 'offer parenting support'. i dont know how this works yet. it can be group or one to one

dd latest trick is refusing to go to school. EWO now involved. she has just had a managed move to a new school so this is not good news.

Thanks for that I will let you know how I get on.

Hi Endoftheroadmum

I have been in this situation for the last 18 months or so, DD is now 14 and is relatively ok at the moment. We have had the police called and the house smashed, school has also borne the brunt of her bad behaviour as well. In the end DH told her to ring ss, if she didn't like living under our rules so she did. They have been working with us for around 6 months and believe me it is all child orientated and like teaching us to suck eggs on many things. CAMHS have also been involved and connexions but due to government cuts these have now ceased. For us the turning point was me getting very nasty and I do not mean in the literal sense, I stood very firm and took away things and in particular her access to money and then bribery stepped in, she wanted money she had to do things that she should have been doing anyway, like coming in otherwise she would have to go another whole week or more without any handouts, also for us we tried some compromising so it felt that we were listening to her. DD is more pleasant, although still shouts at times (cant help herself) when she can not have her own way and this is ignored She still swears in which she gets pulled up on and I walk out. These days she will sit in the living room with us to watch tv. Fingers crossed it remains this way. One very valueable lesson for me is to stand your ground and no matter amount of shouting bad behaviour is do not give in, sometimes it is hard but it seems to work for us.

Hope others on here can also help.

Sadly it all went very wrong thursday night. Prior to Police ciming in the evening for statements she was very violent with me and her brother. She has not attacked him before. I had to call Police again. In the end I said she could not come home. One of the toughest decisions I have ever made. She is in temporary foster care at the moment with a meeting Monday to move forward. I had to do it but it does not make the pain any easier to bear. I had to take some clothes to her today and she just cried and begged me to take her home. I had to say no and walk away. I really do hope we now get the help we need.

really?? i was told dd HAD to come home,no temp foster care here! how can regions differ so much?
my dd has been violent to siblings and i'm struggling to keep them safr from her anger and aggression. i have been told by ss i cant go out to work and leave her here with any siblings.

Yes, I think you are lucky that you seem to have joined-up SS and YOT in your area - temporary foster care (apart from taking the heat out of the situation) allows a child to see their situation from a different angle. Make sure you use this time without her to re-connect with the rest of your family - you must all be suffering.

how are things now op??

Hi all. This is such a difficult time. The only way we got temporary foster care was to refuse to have her home and say there was notwhere else to go - which was ture. Not suitable to have sent her to family members as we would not have got the help we needed. She also said she did not want to come home as was afraid it would kick off again. My brother was the responsible adult present and very difficult for him as he had to look her in the eye and say I cannot take you home. I had to take her some clothes yesturday and other bits and bobs as obviously she had nothing as had gone from home to police and then into care. It was really really difficult. She was waiting on the door step crying and begged me to come home. I had a chat to the carer who was nice and home was OK but very different from ours. She did let me hug her but I asked her first. I could only manage about 5 mins as so hard for both of us. She promised it would stop but we need the help in place to enable this to happen. I had to leave her on the street crying and drive away and look in the rear view mirror as the carer held her sobbing. She rang me last night for a chat and asked if I would go and see her on Sunday which I will but not sure how to handle it as have to be stong parent and try and explain why this is happening. I still have full parental control. Meeting Monday at 9.30am. Have told social worker that she cannot come home for the duration of the easter holidays so they are now sorting another placement. Yes trying to spend time with family and husband and trying to also re charge batteries. I did not give her her phone or i-pod. We live in small village and as usual worried about what everyone will think. As previous post said though if it was my husband I would deal with it better.

Just one question I am not sure on the text type message some people use what do they mean??

dd dear daughter
ss social services
dh dear husband

amd I correct in my thinking. Am old school so have difficulty with all this modern talk!! Ha ha

For Ilovetiffany - you just have to be strong and say she cannot be a home - very very difficult but they will step in then. When I started quoting sections of the childrens act they soon moved. Namely Section 136 (mental health)and Section 20 (housing children for safety of family members and the child). I am a business woman with a good home not some drug fulled person who has a drink problem and attacks my children. When they knew what I was talking about they acted. If you need more please ask.

Hi, I've just seen your post and I'm really sorry things have been so difficult. I wanted to let you know that I had a similar situation with my dd but managed to pull things back by taking her to a homeopath. I was sceptical, but my friend suggested we tried it and we were at our wits end, and I'm really glad we did because things are definitely improving. I'm not sure if it works for everyone, but really wanted to let you know. I have been there and know how difficult it is - keep posting, things will improve!

i had tears in my eyes reading last post!!

i'm a lone parent,so wish i had some support too. every time dd (yes,the acronyms are right,there is a list somewhere on mn of what they all mean)has been arrested,we've been asked if there is someone to act as appropriate adlt or to take her in for a while....there isnt either....i had to have her back even after she had punched her sister and held lit lighter up to 2 year old brothers face......no regard for safety of these dc,if a partner had done this,then i would be investigated and in trouble.

i will quote childrens act next time then,have to have a read of it too.

to keep the peace here this weekend i have let dd go on a sleepover with her friend to a place i feel unsuitable really,but it means we get a break til tomorrow at 3 when collected. itas madness,but trying to weigh up which is worse...her here kicking off....or over there

Its just so dreadful when you have a teen acting this way as I well know, it drains you, your other children and takes over your life! I have battled for a long time to get help, had bits and pieces but nothing worked mainly as my teen will not engage at all which I gather is the main problem.

However, I have recently been introduced to a programme called NVR (Non violent resistance), mainly done in CAMHS but my worker does not come from CAMHS.

Only been doing it 2weeks and can see a difference, I was very sceptical to start with, but willing to try anything!

My teen has been violent, smashed stuff up, vile to siblings, verbally and physically abusive, stays out late, does not come back when asked etc etc list goes on oh and does not go to school!

Tonight after using these methods he came home 20 mins early! If anyone wants to know a bit more about it and let me know, could be work a think about it. The child does not need to engage with it as its all about empowering you. Even if it does not drastically change his behaviour so far it has really relieved me of a load of stress!!

Hi been away as difficult times. Since sa then. DD was in temp placement for three days untill meeting monday to decide future. Temp placement was not nice. On Monday it was come home or go back to where she ways. I said no to home and so it was that she would go back to placement. I asked if there was anywhere else they said no. DD ran away as said would not go back to where she weas as it was so hoirriblewe found her after four hours. In the meantime they found another placement and once again she was taken away by police in car. DD is now with a lovely family for a period of three months may be sooner home though. She is allowed visits 2 a week and phone calls from home. I think she now realises that this is serious and has agreed to have help. Miss her terribly and at the moment feeling like I am not really living this as I have lived in a battle zone for so long. I say to any parent if you have any violence in the home nip it in the bud or do demand help. I hope you never ever have to go through what I have but be strong and you will eventually get the help you need.

For Ilovetiffany - As I do not know your name you must call the police. You cannot live like you are. I do have done sleepovers for respite but that is not teaching your DD or helping. I urge you to be strong and it is hard.

Has she given any indication of why she is so angry? Has anyone from a psychiatric team tried to get her to open up?

Hopefully she will now open up as she cannot come home untill she has attempted to get the help she needs which willl invoilve talking to someone. Also she will have a medical assessesment which I think will be really good as she really seems to have a split personalily. Not saying dear daughter is a schizofrenic but seems like that as wonderful one minute and awful the next and completly out of control and looses all reasoning. I am just hoping and preying that 'yes' they get to the bottom of her anger then we can address it, not just her but all the family.