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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Violent and abusive teenager

37 replies

EndoftheroadMum · 06/04/2011 15:06

Hi I am a mum of three children 23, 13 and 12. It is my twelve year old girl who is causing me so much pain and alarm at the moment. She started puperty quite young - 8 years - first period at 10 years. She was the most loving adouring caring kind and considerate young girl. Excellent at school did chores and wanted to be with me most of the time. Yes they grow up find friends and move away slightly at secondary school. Having already had a teenager who has now left home I have experienced this before. My daughter has become over time less obedient in the home and now abusive towards me and violent. This was and still mainly aimed at me (mum) but has now started with dad and brother. The abuse is unbelievable not the usual I hate you you are not fair etc but I want to kill you, I wish you were dead , untill you die I will carry on like this. Please have me taken away or send me to boarding school. She phsyically kicks hits and punches and I have the bruises from this. She smashes things bang doors and breaks my property. I have had to call the police on three occassions - the hardest thing any mother has to do - but she does not appear to understand the serious of the nature of her behaviour. I have tried taking phone away etc for a period of time, grounding, stopping all clubs - no use. I have tried giving her normal things - no different. I really at my wits end and do not know what is fueling her anger. This is happening every morning before school and every day after school untill bedtime and sometimes later. All parental control has been lost. I have contacted social services - no help. I have contacted my GP - no help. so I am now here wondering if anyone is in the same position and what stratigies they used to gaoin control and have their child back. Thsi behaviour does not happen at school in company of other people she has a good circle of friends and if I have to have her removed from the home to another family member due to behaviour she is good. Any ideas would be great and thanks

OP posts:
EndoftheroadMum · 14/04/2011 16:09

No indication at all apart from me being the one who her anger is focused on. I wish I knew then we could address. I think there is something deep routed. The only can think of we moved four years ago new home new school etc etc and I went back to work. Why it would distress her so much I am not sure but hopefully we will now get help. she will be having a medical assessment and also hopefully an assessment under the mental health act. Hormones are difficult things but I do not think they are this difficult!!

OP posts:
Spurrie · 14/04/2011 16:59

Have only just read this thread. I am a social worker for a young people and family team and deal with situations like this all the time. The one thing that sounds different is that she manages to control her anger everywhere else which makes me think she does have some control. Or perhaps she maintains her anger until she gets home and then explodes?
The fact she is taking her anger out on you more than anyone is actually a positive sign (although I know it won't feel like that at the moment). It shows she trusts you totally and believes you love her unconditionally (although maybe don't like her very much at the moment).
It sounds like she is clinging on to that thought throughout her change of placement. It also sounds like it has been a shock to her? You were right not to give in to the blackmail re needing to come home as the placement is not nice. She will no doubt continue to test your love whilst there.

My advice would be not to doubt the huge influence you are on her life. You know her better than anyone. I would also advise to develop your own plan re her returning home, but not to share that with anyone except family. I would say, don't wait too long, the longer they are in care, often the worse behaviours can get (often due to feelings of rejection and abandonement but also the friends she may meet) so just make sure you maintain contact and offer reassurance and love. Don't go with the temptation of saying if she behaves she can have contact - she needs contact however she behaves. You can always cut contact short.

Try and have different forms of contact - a nighttime phone call saying goodnight every night, taking home for dinner twice a week, lead up to an overnight, then a weekend definately make sure you and her have some one to one time - a walk in the park maybe, make sure contact with other relatives is incorporated - you don't have to be there.. Tell her the rule is you don't talk about what has happened (why she's in care etc) you talk about her and you talk about you - get to know each other again. As you build your relationship she's more likley to open up, talk about what it is that's obviously botheirng her.

Yes, still go down the CAMHS route but don't expect anything to happen fast. Try and ensure she maintains the clubs etc she did at home, they are all very positive aspects of her life. She's likely to feel she is losing everything and is probably scared. She now needs help moving forward, which doesn't have to mean looking at the past. Did you say she has a YOT worker? If so ring them and ask them to do some anger management work with her. What area are you?

Above all else, remember, you and her immediate family are the most effective and important people to help her through this. Make sure you use this period of respite to refresh you all, spend guilt free time together, concentrate on other children if you have them, concentrate on your marriage (if you're married). You all need to recover from some awful draining times.

Try not to concentrate on 'the problem' - try to look towards the future. She may not even know why she has behaved like this, she may feel out of control. Remember,

'Children need your love the most when they deserve it the least'

Good luck, I hope it all works out for you. Feel free to private message me. Zoe X

EndoftheroadMum · 18/04/2011 09:08

Hi no we have not idea why dd is so angry but she has now gone into foster care for 3 months with a lovely family - does not make it any easier to cope with - and she will be a medical assessment and have a mentor to open up to. I hope we now get the answers and help both she and us as a family need but I miss her so much and just feel empty right now. I have not used a forum before and it has helped writing to people and their responses so thank you. Maybe I will be able to do the same one day.

OP posts:
EndoftheroadMum · 18/04/2011 21:45

Golly my computer not working or me not understanding but when I log in does not show replies for some reason but has now I pressed 'refresh' I can get people fit as this is my job but cannot work computers so apologies for the same message but did not realise it had been posted.

OP posts:
tryingtodothebestformydaughter · 17/08/2011 23:34

Dear endoftheroadmum, your description of your situation with your daughter is identical to what mine has been doing to us for past two three years (she's now 15) and I've had to put her in temporary foster care past 3 weeks. The attacks got so violent (she too wants to kill me). We found out through police she had been groomed over the internet and met up and slept with 23 year old man (she still loves him and tries to phone him - he's being prosecuted though). Not only that there were level 5 (bestiality) pictures of her on her computer. Think the violence is because she can't face that we (her parents) know. She can control herself with school/outside world but because we know what she's done it is making her do anything to push us away (testing how far she can go before we crack). We've tried telling her she's the victim, its always the pedo's fault but to no avail (he's not a pedo I love him). Social workers say because she's been controlled by men she wants to control us but she's always had a tendency to throw tantrums but now its enormously inflated. Tried for three years to control it but can't do right for doing wrong - relax the rules and let her argue them - she hates me for not standing my ground / strict rules she argues for days and then burns, punches, kicks, spits and scratches me - as well as hold a knife to my throat. Reading book about how to cope with Borderline Personality Disorder. Also oppositional defiance disorder fits her totally. Please private message me (not sure how you do this but would love to swop notes)

pauline23 · 21/08/2013 01:04

to endoftheroadmum hi. I am so sorry to hear you are going through this with your teenager. but on the other hand it is nice to know im not alone.
my teenager is exactly the same as yours, only she does the same at school. I have a son who is autistic aged 10. my teenager is so hurtfull and harmfull towards myself and him. she calls him a disabled freak, smashes my house to pieces, climbs out off my windows, I rang the police one time, for them to say too me, it is not their job to reprimand my child, if I am having problems issues with her I should therefore go to social services. I wasn't asking for that, I was asking for them to come and tell my daughter the consequences of her actions. and what may happen. but no. they didn't want to know.
I have been telling schools since my daughter was 4 that there has been issues around behavours e.t.c. but know one wanted to know. Camhs turned her away on 3 occasions, then finally when she started high school, the support started coming, but I pushed and pushed for help.
the school tested her for dyslexic but found no evidence to support this, but they did find that she has a mild spld. learning disorder. which doesn't help with frustration and anger in her.
also camhs agreed finally with the help from school to assess my child for ADHD. she missed out on the diagnosis by a tiny fraction. how the hell do you work that out. how can she just miss out on a fraction. therefore, ive been bk to my gp, who has referred her for another assessment. there is a 6 month waiting list for this now. so prolonged again. is this ur child.
frequent or extreme temper tantrums
tendency to be easily annoyed by others,
blatent refusel to comply with school or household rules.
take arguments stance with adults
rude uncooperative and confentational attitude
use of mean spirited language when upset
deliberate attempts to annoy others
frequent outbursts of anger or resentfulness.
tendency to place blame on others
outward and belligent defiance
anxity issues, mood swings,deprssion, sleep, nightmare. you need help and support. go back to your gp, my child too doesn't like to go to camhs, they discharged her because of this. I agree they shouldn't be able to do that, that is just an easy way out for them, if the child doesn't want to go, its easier for camhs to agree to this. they don't like to label children , but with out that label, the child does not get the help and support they are entitled too, which is why most off these children go off the rails. my daughter has agreed to come and see them again. we are booked in for tues 27th august. see what happens in this meeting.
I wish you all the luck and happiness, and I do hope that you manage to get some support. if you would like any advice or ask me any questions, please don't hesitate to contact me. take care.

julie48 · 25/08/2013 16:30

Pauline was the list of symptoms you posted for ADHD? Your list sounds so like my daughter's symptoms.

cephalicdream · 28/08/2013 16:36

Zombie thread?

springytufty · 01/09/2013 23:01

So what if it's a zombie thread? It's helped me to read it. What's the deal with old threads, anyway??

I've been reading 'In Sheep's Clothing' which is the only book I've found that deals with abusive children. He unequivocally states that most aggressive personalities do it because they like it and can get away with it, not necessarily because of any damage, or upset, or whatever. He addresses how we assume they do it because they're upset about something and if we could just get to the root of what it is, all will be calm - not necessarily. He talks about setting boundaries - the fact that she can control it at school suggests she is in control of her behaviour when she wants to be.

I hope you've taken Spurries excellent advice OP.

Cephalicdream · 02/09/2013 21:59

No reason just pointing it out

Travelledtheworld · 02/09/2013 23:55

You need to read Maryz's thread on support for parents of troubled teens. On the teens forum somewhere.

flow4 · 03/09/2013 07:33

The Maryz thread is here .

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