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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

How to not give in!

36 replies

noddyholder · 31/03/2011 10:08

My ds is 17 in May.He has been a nightmare for the last year interspersed with rare turn on the charm periods when he wants something and we are at our wits end. He talked about going abroad for a first lads type holiday and we said no but we were keeping an open mind as we do want him to experience this stuff. He has made no real improvement in his behaviour and flouts EVERY rule we put in place from the smallest to the biggest.Any tiny glimmer we give him the benefit of the doubt but he always goes back to his old ways. He has been spoiled not really materially considering what we could have done but has had our undivided attention etc etc. Now he is so awful to us that dp thinks it can't be typical teenage and must be drugs! It isn't though as I looked on his FB(I know) and he is just not into that. But I did see that he has told his friend to get his mum to book the flights and he will pay him back in May! Presuming in may he will get £ for birthday but he won't he is getting driving lessons. I have had to tell him I read it and told him his immaturity forced our hand but how do we stick to our guns on this. He has been planning to book flights when we are meant to be on our family holiday!

OP posts:

ragged · 31/03/2011 10:14

You need to talk to the other lad's mum, make sure nothing gets booked.
You realise you'll get told to "Just say no".?

Original poster

noddyholder · 31/03/2011 10:21

Well I have said no but the thought of the huge row when he gets home today puts me off.Dp is adamant that this time we do not take this crap He is at teh end of his tether too and as he was like the perfect child until about 15 this is a big learning curve for us!He is way too immature and has been very bad at college work this year and I see something like a holiday as rewarding this behaviour. I have told him not to let this person pay. I know her and know that her son will be able to talk her into it! My ds has no money at all unless we give it to him so it won't happen. He is unbelievable atm just trying to stay calm!

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djinnie · 31/03/2011 10:27

It's all about him making choices isn't it?

At the moment he's in the part child part adult place where he expects to have his cake and eat it. You are also treating him as part child and part adult (but mainly clinging onto the idea of him as a child whom you can control).

I think it is time to give him options. He can have driving lessons or he can go on the holiday but you won't pay for both.

Is he earning? If not he needs to start thinking about how he finds his own money. If he was earning some money then he could potentially pay for the holiday himself. You can't expect him at 17 to prefer going away with you to his mates.

Options are the key. You give him the options and then he has to face the consequences of his decisions. If he goes on holiday then he will lose this opportunity for more independence and will moan but you have to stick to your guns.

It is about striking a balance between letting him grow up but recognising actually he is still a baby. Give him his wings but be prepared for him to want to come back. It really is a cse of being in a funny man/boy space.

Original poster

noddyholder · 31/03/2011 10:31

Definitely not that! He has been going to parties and having a pretty free social life for a while. He has EMA at college and has not really had it consistently because he is always late. He says he doesn't want a job and it would be too much for him although college is 3 day week! He is not going on the holiday full stop he is having the driving lessons as it will be the first constructive thing he has done this year! We have said no to teh holiday and its no. It is not about coming away with us as we haven't booked it but he didn't even tell us I found this out on FB The original holiday was in July The thing is he has to come with us as if we left him he would trash the house with his mates!

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Maryz · 31/03/2011 10:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

djinnie · 31/03/2011 11:00

So you're not asking for advice on negotiating an improvement in his behaviour? what you're effectively asking us is 'how do I control him and make him do my bidding?'

From my sad and sorry experience you are on to a loser there given the age he is now. But I guess you just stand your ground and scream at each other a lot

The other thing I do is just walk away from the tantrums. I'm not engaging with my 17 year old if he can't talk to me sensibly.

My 17 year old is a weird mix of immature and grown up. He's very needy (ringing us if we're out) and yet will happily stay out all night without so much as a text. I think that's the way kids are at that age. As I said - a weird mix of man and boy.

chopchopbusybusy · 31/03/2011 11:16

The first thing I'd do is contact the other mum and warn her that your DS has no money for flights and that you are not giving him any so she shouldn't book them.
He wouldn't be able to book a package holiday as a 17 year old without a parental signature so you might want to warn him that he could encounter problems trying to book independantly too. Assuming he comes up with some cash to fund it.
Not sure I'd want to pressurise a 17 year old into going on a family holiday. Could he bring his friend as a compromise? He'd have a bit of company and some freedom. You'd have an idea of what he is up to and most importantly he wouldn't be at home and your house would still be in one piece when you come home.

Niceguy2 · 31/03/2011 11:30

I've come to realise that teenagers are essentially toddlers who can walk & talk.

The world revolves around them, they are by definition right and only their thoughts matter.

So I agree with the others who say talk to the other parent and make sure nothing gets booked. Then you will have to grit your teeth, say no and mean it. You'll have to suffer him throwing toys out of his pram because if you don't, you'll reward his behaviour when you give in. Next time he will kick off again because it worked last time.

Something I did with my kids starting young is that a tantrum is an automatic no. Never ever. Discuss it with me calmly and you have a chance.

I'd say to your DS. If he can get a job and earn the money then he's welcome to go. Otherwise he can go spin.

Maryz · 31/03/2011 11:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

firmbeliever · 31/03/2011 12:13

Hi NH
I had the same problem. My DS was 16 at the time. wanted to celebrate end of GCSEs with a holiday abroad despite being allergic to any form of revision in the run up to exams so I don't quite know what he was celebrating.
Unbeknown to me he had already paid for tickets with birthday money and only told me a week before he was due to go that he had arranged all this!!
I let him go and had daily nightmares of having to fly his coffin back home.
No advice really. Just at that age they find a way of doing what they want.

Original poster

noddyholder · 31/03/2011 12:58

Thanks all! Yes I am essentially saying he isn't going Even his college tutors say he is v close to being asked to leave again so he is not being rewarded. He has no money spends every penny he gets and says a job is not on hsi agenda so ????? We are not forcing him to come on holiday just saying that the dates he was proposing with his mates are the same dates we are looking at and he didn't even tell us! I asked for advice here before and was told to sit down with some rules and negotiate and we did and he said NO to everything!He has never suffered a consequence of his actions ever and so we think he needs to. Dp told him he could only go out one night at weekends until he had caught up on his work and he just walked out teh door past me. He is still childish as you say and ring me when I am out to see where I am! Everyone inc teachers my siblings family friends etc all say we have to stand out ground as he is taking the piss!

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Original poster

noddyholder · 31/03/2011 12:59

BTW he went to 2 festivals and camping last year plus family holiday so this is not about 'letting go' or freedom etc.

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Niceguy2 · 31/03/2011 13:25

Sorry if this sounds harsh but it sounds to me like it could be too little, too late. If he's used to a world with no consequences, no follow through or punishments for his actions then at 17 it's going to be bloody hard to start now. But all you can do is stick to your guns. The alternative is to further appease him and appeasement never ever works.

Maryz...If I were in your shoes and my DS earned his own money then I'd let him go on the proviso he told you where and whom with. The latter is just common manners and if he can't show you that they you can't be arsed to hand over his passport! The difference between you & noddy is that your DS earned his own money whilst noddy's expecting a handout.

I went abroad at 17 on a lads holiday. To be honest, at the prices drinks are, I doubt they'll be drinking too much!

Just make it clear how they treat criminals abroad and that if he gets arrested, not to expect you to fly over and "save" him. If he's old enough to go on holiday on his own then he's old enough to serve any punishment he's given by the authorities. (In reality of course you'd have to go but he doesn't have to know that!)

Original poster

noddyholder · 31/03/2011 13:38

Niceguy I accept that but the thing is he was so well behaved until recently that he never needed much reprimanding bar the odd usual tidy your room stuff! I realise there is a battle ahead!

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Original poster

noddyholder · 31/03/2011 13:40

Agree re handout! My ds has had lots of birthday xmas money etc over the last 6 months so its not like he couldn't have saved. Several of my friends offered him good money to babysit but he was always too busy I think us not paying for this is the real lesson here!

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cyrilsneer · 31/03/2011 14:28

Just to say - the other mother would be nuts to book flights and pay for them on her credit card just on the say-so of her own DS. If it were me, I would DEFINITELY check with the other mother and probably ask her to pay me straight away for the flight in case I was left high and dry.

Niceguy2 · 31/03/2011 14:33

Sorry Noddy if I got the wrong impression. From your earlier posts it seemed like you never followed through with your DS.

At his age though, I agree...The real lesson is that the bank of mum & dad is closed. If he wants stuff, he can go earn it like the rest of us!

Original poster

noddyholder · 31/03/2011 14:43

Cyril that is what I hope but this boy is v ££££ and so can't be sure! Niceguy ds has been given some severe talkings to over the last 6 months and when we put in place 'rules' he has just flouted them eg going out so now we plan to be really tough. He really thinks he can just do as he pleases 24/7 and never do anything constructive here or at college. He is on his last warning with college for the amount of work he is doing. If he is to pass to get into yr 2 of his courses the teachers said he would have to be doing at least 10 hrs a week study on his own to catch up and he is doing 0! Bloody teenagers. This weekend is going to be hell I can see it coming ! Going abroad is not negotiable He has no money!

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djinnie · 31/03/2011 14:51

Surely there wont be any EMA next year so he will need to find money from somewhere.

Original poster

noddyholder · 31/03/2011 14:55

I hope so I don't think he would be entitled next year anyway due to change in our finances. Apparently though anyone receiving it now will get until end of course? He will have trouble getting a job here though if he waits but that is his lookout! He has always been bailed out in the past with various from my sister and g/parents etc but they all see his antics and are supporting us. He has run out of options financially and before he was being such an arse I said if he couldn't find a job then maybe volunteer for something for experience He laughed. As dp has said his back is against the wall now and his answer has been to turn nasty

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Niceguy2 · 31/03/2011 15:20

It's good that you & DP are sticking together and getting the support of family. Is there anyone in the family he would listen to?

Otherwise it's a case of learning the hard way.

Original poster

noddyholder · 31/03/2011 15:31

I think he will have to learn the hard way! It is such a shame I just don't know why he is so angry with us. We have always been very close and he has had a great childhood and often says as much. We have an open busy house and lots going on and involve him in everything. It is as if he cannot take any discipline at all from us and I do feel that on a few occasions I have kept quiet to keep the peace but those days are over Dp is livid about how he speaks to us and he has had a week off this week and so has been here to see that his attitude is awful.

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Maryz · 31/03/2011 15:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

noddyholder · 31/03/2011 16:01

I don't know mary. He thinks he will get money for his 17th birthday on 1st May but he won't he is getting driving lessons vouchers from everyone! According to him it is easy to get a job but I know different this is a uni town with students everywhere all looking.He wouldn't expect his mates mum to pay for it but would let her and worry about it later knowing I would have to pay her! Even if he wins the lottery he isn't going as we have to be firm on this. He had £300 clothes last month as he had literally outgrown everything he owned and that was his birthday and more! He didn't say at the time I will have a couple of bits from primark as I'd really like to go away. Dp wants him to feel the consequences and I am with him. He is very immature and has been insulting us left right and centre so time to get tough.

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cyrilsneer · 31/03/2011 16:01

Poor you, noddy, it's very clear how upset you are and worried about your DS. You are doing the right thing by holding your position, you know... If this other mother goes ahead and spends money on a flight for your seventeen year old without thinking to check with you, it really is her look out. I'm sure she won't, however much money she has.

Try to stay calm and stay strong. He's not going to be a maddening seventeen year old for ever. We all know that the teenager years can be a massive challenge but everyone comes out the other side eventually... We all did, didn't we?...

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