How to not give in!

[noddyholder]

My ds is 17 in May.He has been a nightmare for the last year interspersed with rare turn on the charm periods when he wants something and we are at our wits end. He talked about going abroad for a first lads type holiday and we said no but we were keeping an open mind as we do want him to experience this stuff. He has made no real improvement in his behaviour and flouts EVERY rule we put in place from the smallest to the biggest.Any tiny glimmer we give him the benefit of the doubt but he always goes back to his old ways. He has been spoiled not really materially considering what we could have done but has had our undivided attention etc etc. Now he is so awful to us that dp thinks it can't be typical teenage and must be drugs! It isn't though as I looked on his FB(I know) and he is just not into that. But I did see that he has told his friend to get his mum to book the flights and he will pay him back in May! Presuming in may he will get £ for birthday but he won't he is getting driving lessons. I have had to tell him I read it and told him his immaturity forced our hand but how do we stick to our guns on this. He has been planning to book flights when we are meant to be on our family holiday!

I hope so cyril! We love him to bits and hoped that by now our life would be chilled and he would be even a bit less teenagery! He gets worse every week. But I do feel better as the dust seems to have fallen from dp's eyes and he is shocked tbh.

Maryz: I think you should let him go. He will grow up a lot faster if he blunders around his life for a while. Probably come home with his tail between his legs and grateful for hot meals and clean laundry.

Noddy: I don't see how gift of driving lessons is going to work, don't you need his cooperation for him to learn to drive?

Ragged I am not sure either but my parents etc have bought them and we felt he needs to do something constructive and not just keep being given money etc which he just blows.His tutors have all said he needs to recognise that his attitude is not going to get him anywhere and they think giving him responsibility eg driving etc is worth a try. If he doesn't use teh vouchers I will give them away.

Noddy - I have a 16 year old (17 in May) DS too.

Not much I can say to help but it sounds like your lad is struggling at the moment. Maybe try and spend a couple of days away with just you and him if that's possible so you can really talk and most importantly listen to each other. Sounds to me that he is really feeling the weight of adult life bearing down on him and can't see a way to shoulder it all.

What works really well with my lad is to let him shout it all out but not shout back. It's awful and really difficult when you get a stream of self pity being thrown at you but eventually they can't shout any more and are willing to talk calmly.

I'm in the same area if you ever want to meet up.

I did have a huge talk with him at xmas when the college really laid it out that he had to shape up or ship out. Offered to help him plan and I approached the college to reinstate his additional support wrt using a word processor for exams. I got all this in place and they said he has done the bare minimum. Melody I would love to meet for a chat all my friends seem to have angels! Maybe we know each other

I wonder if consensual living is a way forward for you, Noddy?
It's basically dressed up negotiation, with a lot less bad feeling and a solution both of you can live with as the ultimate aim. Maybe somewhere between his holiday plans and your driving lessons plans, there is room for compromise?

Hello Noddy - we have spoken on a previous thread about problems at 6th form college and I wanted to reply to send my best wishes that things improve.
I was just about to write the gist of what Melodyangel has said. I think life can be very frustrating at that age - being on the cusp of adulthood and responsibilities and yet still a child. As your son had a great childhood leaving such carefree times behind could be a very depressing thought. The whole college crap and the thought of yet more slog at uni or getting a grunt job really has depressed my DD. She is not able to see that Uni and the future will probably be great.

Not getting involved in shouting etc does really help to diffuse the situation quickly . I do this with my DD (just turned 18) and she usually leaves the room and comes back later and talks rationally or she cries and vents her real frustrations (college, friends etc). It can be hard to keep your cool and later I do feel hurt by some of the things she has said - but its worth it.

I feel its a kind of strange compliment that my DD feels able to vent at me with no consequences- I was so fearful of my mother I could never have done that- she would surely have thrashed me and sent me packing. Your son knows he has your unconditional love and perhaps he feels "safe" venting to you. He will probably apologise profusely about his behaviour a few years down the line.

If you do want him to have a friend holiday and push the college work- you could try (bribery) saying you could fund a festival or Uk trip with his mate instead if he works hard and shows committment in his upcoming AS exams - although I realise this appaers a poor substitute.

Good luck - hope there is not too much door slamming or disappearing this weekend. xx

Thanks everyone. He is home and has said not a word! We have decided that we will try and talk again and if he gets his act together and gets a summer job etc we will consider a festival here at the end of the summer but going abroad to get 'smashed' is not an option. He will have to work very hard though as the college are not hopeful he will pass at his current rate! I am not really happy with him going out all night fri and sat either and think one 'big' night out is enough while his college work is so far behind. I think that is something that could be reviewed.

I'm reading all this and feel like I could have written it all myself - it's so familiar. I dont really have any advice but just wanted to reiterate that this isnt uncommon behaviour. The teenager I look after doesnt think about consequences, planning ahead and doesnt consider getting a job. I really worry about his future. We've been 'sticking to our guns' for a few years now and he still doesnt seem to be learning his lesson... just making things worse and bumbling through.

Hi noddy - hope the last couple of weeks have been a bit better. Thinking of you.

I just read a book about teens which says yes, they are toddlers. Basically, they are going through the terrible twos again but they are somewhat more articulate and a lot bigger. It's all about growth hormones and neural pathways. Weird.

Rob Parsons on Teenagers was the book.