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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

son asking to go into care help please

28 replies

sowhatshallido · 15/03/2011 13:49

age 13.5
Told me last night he would like to live in care, and has thought about this for the last approx year.

i think he is probably depressed
he hasnt got any friends, he doesnt get on with 3 older siblings or his dad, (me the most but not wonderful)
he has always been 'a handful' as in attitude, behaviour etc - right from primary.
he has diabetes that he got when he was 11 and he rebels a lot about it, and doesnt take care like he should.
he has previously been referred to camhs by diabetic nurse but wouldnt talk to them
Wont go to the doctor with me
Never been loving type person - ie wont be hugged or kissed (even as a toddler)
Always been a loner, who would like people to like him i think, but he is very judgemental and points out peoples failings to them if he sees fit.
He is on g and t register at his school but refuses to do any work and hates most of his teachers, frequently in academic remove.
He will never help around the house and his room is a tip, this is what kicks off his dad a lot - he does get told off a lot, and his dad tries just to ignore him now. He does lose his temper on occasion too. He is the type of personality (ds) who will wind people up to get a reaction.
He never goes out of the house if he can help it.

I dont know what to do.
I am thinking of contacting nurse he sees for his diabetes who i get on well with and saying that we are still having a lot of problems (she knows what he is like) and what he is asking and see what she says - i guess she will be obliged to refer it to social services, but I am dreading what is going to happen.
He has had lots of chances to open up to pastoral support at school, nurse, psychologist etc but will not talk to anyone.

I do not want him to go into care, i want us to get help to get him happier and sorted at home.
DH thinks maybe its for the best.

?????

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 15/03/2011 13:53

i have had this with dd......social services categorically told me they dont take teens into care

dd has stopped saying it now. moved on to other things!!

he may well be depressed. hope someone can advise you what to do.

GypsyMoth · 15/03/2011 13:55

have you asked him what kind of life in care he invisages??

does he imagine foster care....either with foster siblings or alone?

or a 'care home' tracey beaker style? 9this is what dd wanted.....living in a big house with other kids with a pool table,no rules and copious amounts of pocket money)

IQuiteLikeVodka · 15/03/2011 14:00

my son who is the same age sounds quite similar and he was diagnosed with Aspergers at around 9 yr old,mainly due to his problems with social interaction. He also displays depressive attitudes sometimes saying things like he wishes he was dead and thinks nobody likes him...

IQuiteLikeVodka · 15/03/2011 14:07

....sorry,just put baby down.He has a lovely side to him which we don't really see enough of,however,he is very negative about most things;teachers,other kids,etc.
He will spend hours and hours in his room on his ipad. I try to encourage him to come out and do something but he simply isn't interested.
He has always had a particular interest at any one time.
He gets on a lot better with his Dad than me, his Dad doesn't live with us but he has always been very much involved,I am the more stern,pull no punches parent of the two of us.
I don't know what to suggest really, we are taking our son to the docs to try and get a referral to a counsellor to see if he will talk about anything he's struggling with.

Original poster
sowhatshallido · 15/03/2011 14:10

We have talked about whether he does have some sort of 'problem' as in something that would explain his personality - he has always been like this. Definitely high maintenance but okay if on a one to one and doing what he likes though.
Dad says he thinks hes got a 'screw loose'.

His granny came to look after all of them for a week last year, and as an ex primary teacher thought 'i'll sort him out' thought we werent strict enough - big mistake - he makes her life hell for a week and tops it off with pooing in the bath.

Big problem is he wont talk to anyone.

He sees a care home i think, but thinks anything is better than home. I said what if its worse, and he just said - oh well.

OP posts:
Original poster
sowhatshallido · 15/03/2011 14:14

i think he will tell them his dad is abusing him becasue he for example gets really frustrated with him and tells him he is going to 'knock his block off', or smack him. He has periodically smacked him, and last week after he wouldnt go to his room when sent for bad behaviour his dad dragged him up the stairs and 'threw' him in his room, and he fell against the bed, and says he hurt his arm (i didnt know about this, and tbh I dont think he was actually injured) - this sounds bad but I think its jsut the way im writing it - his dad isnt a violent abusive person!

OP posts:
walesblackbird · 15/03/2011 14:17

Sounds very much as if he could be on the autistic spectrum. Living a life in care certainly isn't going to help - what he needs is a diagnosis and behaviour management techniques. I would for another referral to CAMHS and if he won't speakk to them then you need to do it for him.

GypsyMoth · 15/03/2011 14:18

dad sounds at end of his tether.

your son sounds like he likes trying to shock to get a reaction and gain attention.

he also sounds bored

any interests at all to expand on??

my dd is very outdoorsy,so we took up geocaching together,its something we both enjoy and work together with...rest of the family too (i thank MN for this hobby discovery)

Original poster
sowhatshallido · 15/03/2011 14:25

I completely agree that he must be bored off his head as he doesnt do anything.

He loves reading, and he likes stuff like when we went to a science lecture school put on after school with a visiting lecturer.

He likes playing cards with me too.

He used to go skating but isnt interested any more.

We have talked about geocaching, and he really likes the idea of it - tried to find a couple near us just with the written description, and couldnt find them! Cant afford to get a gps.

He wanted to go to a specific museum but when I asked him about going this weekend he said no he doesnt want to.

His dad is completely at the end of his tether and wants nothing to do with him.

If he comes out with us then he kicks off, and it isnt enjoyable for anyone.

He doesnt realise if he isnt nice then people wont be nice to him - and when i point this out, then he says that why should he.

I think i am going to have to take him out by himself because his siblings and dad wouldnt come!

OP posts:
Original poster
sowhatshallido · 15/03/2011 14:27

do you think contacting the diabetes nurse and chatting with her and maybe asking for another referall is the way to go?

Do you think she will get SS involved automatically?

We did talk to camhs about him, but they signed him off because they said if he wouldnt talk to them they couldnt do anything! (but left it open for re-referall)

OP posts:
Rosa · 15/03/2011 14:31

Yes I think its a good place to start ... Especially if they already know him and what he is like. You do need help and at least they can maybe point you in the right direction, Good Luck ..

walesblackbird · 15/03/2011 14:32

The only problem I can foresee if you get the diabetic nurse to refer to CAMHS is that you will get seen at a lower tier. There are different tiers within CAMHS and who you see will depend on who does the referral.

If it were me I would go and see your GP and ask him/her to refer. Tell him your concerns and take it from there. I'd say that really your son needs to see a psychiatrist rather than a nurse therapist.

Does he get any sort of support in school?

cornsilk678 · 15/03/2011 14:39

talk to your son about going back to CAMHS as an option. It baffles me why CAMHS back off from kids who won't engage. Surely that's an indicator that something is wrong? Could you pay privately for a counsellor to visit him at home?

Original poster
sowhatshallido · 15/03/2011 14:40

When we went before, we both saw the consultant and the therapist, then he was meant to see the therapist and we (adults) were meant to see the consultant at the same time.

School do have him on the radar as such - they know he doesnt reach any sort of potential (although most likely come out of gcses with 8 - 10 passes)

They were talking about referring him to the inclusion officer to see how he can learn better in the classroom - nothing has come of this though.

So he doesnt get support in school no, but im not sure if he will do in future.

OP posts:
catinthehat2 · 15/03/2011 14:40

sowhatshallido - do you have access to a smartphone? you might find you can access GPS coordinates by simply downloading some software

Original poster
sowhatshallido · 15/03/2011 14:43

catinthehat - no smart phone!

OP posts:
bigTillyMint · 15/03/2011 15:49

I agree, sounds like he could be on the autistic spctrum.

What are they doing to help him in school? Is he on the SEN register? He needs to be assessed urgently, preferably by an Educational Psychologist.

I would advise you to make an appointment immediately with the SENCO in the school and discuss all your concerns and push for an urgent assessment.

Original poster
sowhatshallido · 15/03/2011 15:55

He isnt on the sen register - that was meant to be something to do with the inclusion officer??

OP posts:
tibni · 15/03/2011 16:35

I think you need to request a referal to CAMHS. Even if your ds will not talk initially there is a lot of information gathering they can do from you and school. School also could be helping.

Do you think your ds struggles socially more than most boys of his age?

Re care homes. Within my work I have had contact with care home facilities for teens - they are nothing like the Tracey Beaker portrayal. Most worrying is the number of teens that end up criminalised by the care system. As a parent you might be angry with a teen pushing over furniture / breaking things but there are not many parents that would press charges for a teen strop. Restraint is also not unusual within homes. I am sure these are things your ds has not considered.

Hope you can get some help.

GypsyMoth · 15/03/2011 16:43

restraint? how does that work then?

youth offending team are involved here as i have called the police. DD is now at fnal warning stage but has backed off completely with the violence....it wasnt furniture in our case that was getting harmed,it was her siblings.

clangermum · 15/03/2011 17:03

If you want to investigate the autisitic spectrum idea, could you have an informal chat with someone from the local branch of the British Autistic Society (think that's the right title - you could google them). They usually have people who'll advise over the phone or maybe come and see you when he's not around.

Another idea - and don't get the wrong impression as their remit is actually very wide from what I can see - we found our local mencap group really helpful. They have family liaison workers who'll come and see you (as a parent) and you could maybe talk over his possible depression and get some ideas.

None of the above gets you involved with social services - it's mainly parents helping other parents as far as I can see, with professional support from both organisations.

And I agree Tracy Beaker is really unhelpful. That home is so nice - they even have a piano..

cornsilk678 · 15/03/2011 17:05

another good organisation is 'young minds' who have a parents helpline

tibni · 15/03/2011 17:17

I am not an expert in this - my work only glances the care home system. In the care homes I dealt with staff are trained in restraint. Restraint should only be used in extreme circumstances where there is a danger to the child or other people. The cases I am aware of involve an adult per limb and one holding the head - it is a frightening experience for the child involved.

ILoveTiffany - as far as I am aware this type of training isn't offered to parents. My ds is in a SEN school and I know the staff will attempt every other possible option rather than restrain. My ds is 10 and I don't actually think that I could physically restrain him when he is cross as he is so strong. It is good that the violence has subsided for you, it must have been very frightening.

Re care homes, my concern is I have attended the aftermath of incidents that no parent would have called the police for and seen homes pushing to have children charged because they do not want the child back with them. I am sure it is not all homes, like most things it is down to the staff and management.

cornsilk678 · 15/03/2011 17:19

tibni that is very sad Sad poor kids

walesblackbird · 15/03/2011 18:53

My son is currently one day a week in mainstream and the other four in a (very good) PRU. His behaviour can be very difficult to manage as there are other things going on yet to have a firm diagnosis.

Anyway, his mainstream school asked for permission to use restraint techniques on him (he was 6 at the time) and our sw and his therapist were absolutely horrified. As was I.

OP - if your son isn't getting the help and support that he needs in school then you should ask for him to be assessed by Ed Psych. You can also initiative the statementing process - probably better actually that you do it as at least you have some control over what happens.

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