do you respect your teenager's privacy?

[mamateur]

DN came to live with us 6 months ago. He has no parents and has had a very free and easy upbringing till now.

Since he started his new school I have big issues with his secrecy. He won't tell us anything about his friends, won't bring them back here, despite us telling him they are welcome and promising not to do anything embarrassing. We have just blocked facebook on the home network because he refused to friend DP. He goes to a rough school (we will be moving so he can change) and is definitely v. enamoured with the bad boys. His fb pic was a hideous rapper pose giving the finger. He said he had deleted his profile then I found him on it, so he'd been smart enough to hide his profile or has changed his name.

We have NO IDEA what's going on in his life. He talks to granny (who brought him up till now) in the evenings and confides in her over lots of issues. For instance, he told he can't bring friends back because he has affected a common accent at school.

He's not 'mine' so it's harder to push into his life. I would like to know what he's looking at on the internet (obviously we have blocked content) etc. He will go nuts. He's supposed to go to bed at 10 (apparently this is ridiculously early for a just 13 year old) and because he hasn't been (I caught him on his computer at 10.30 last night) I said I will open his door and check on him. He says this is a massive invasion of his privacy etc. as I might see him changing etc.

He is a follower not a leader and quite vulnerable with his background.

He understands we are strict and responds well to our rules. He's never had any boundaries and was refusing school when we took him. He now goes every day and is well behaved (although obviously far from studious).

I would really like to gauge some opinions from other parents of young teens..

"He understands we are strict"

There you go. To me, that says it all.

You seem to want to know all about him and what is going on in his life so he has put the shutters down.

If you give him a bit of slack he may open a bit.

Show an interest rather than demanding to know what is going on.

And as for FB there are plenty of people on here who will tell you that their children will not "friend" them on there.

He is used to the free and easy life, you are clearly at the other end of the parenting spectrum (I dont mean that in a judgey way just observational) and you have to find a way to meet in the middle.

Plus he must be dealing with the fact he has no parents. That must be very hard.

You need to try and become his a friend and not so judgemental all the time. Dont "push into his life", open the door on to it and show an interest.

Do you do things together at the weekends?

I am aghast at this , blocked FB becasue he wont friend your DP?
this was a baaaad move he probably didnt friend your DP becasue he did not want the 'strict' eyes peeering over him in the one place that rewards him freedom of speech.
BBM has hit the nail on the head slack up a bit

Hi BBM, most of our time together is friendly and open, we generally have a laugh. I don't think he's shutting down exactly, but I do think he thinks, why should I talk to these people? Granny is still his emotional support (via telephone and the odd weekend). It's a problem. I let him talk and ask him about stuff and prompt answers (I read the how to talk so kids listen book).

Our strictness is about bedtimes, going to school, putting his plates in the dishwasher, doing his homework, not being rude, etc. These are all things he has got away with before.

He lost both his parents before he was one, so although that is a massive issue he's not actually grieving now. Backstory here

Delia, I do appreciate it seems harsh. I should have mentioned he was bullied on facebook in Y7 and missed the last 3 months of school over the issue. I saw the content of his page and it was massively unsuitable, so I said he needed to think carefully before posting on fb because his comments could hurt others, or he could start something that ending up making him feel hurt. I think a lot of parents insist on friending their children on fb. I posted on here about it and the general opinion seemed to be that it was necessary.

I see it that we're responsible for all his behaviour, including online.

We blocked it because he didn't respect our decision and have said we will reinstate it if he shows he can use it responsibly.

We do spend a lot of time talking through stuff when I can get him out of his bedroom. But he spends all his time on the computer and tries to keep his whole life away from us. DP was around a lot when he was growing up and is the only father figure he has. 13 is a very difficult age, and I only have experience of DS who's 1.

He is 13, boundaries are good. Learning to live as part of a family is excellent. But, he needs privacy. There is a very difficult line to tread between honouring privacy and protection of a young person but at 13, and given that he has his granny to confide in, I would tend to err on the side of letting him have facebook etc and not insisting on patrolling.

But, then, of course we have a need for protection and the Media bombing us with stories that online communication (any communication!) is dangerous and we have a duty as parents to check it out. I am not sure you are in the position of being able to assess his vulnerability but have a think, why do you feel it is important to have access to his facebook?

I can only tell you that the compromise we have found is that my boys (the middle one is 13) have private facebook etc. The two younger (12 and 13) have nominated their uncle to 'watch'. This means that their communication is private from me, as it should be, but I know there is an adult around who will act if my child is in danger but not comment, at least to us, about the ubiquitous wearing and misogyny on facebook. Stuff that I would struggle not to get angry about!!!

Could you talk to your DN. Explain the quandary and ask him to suggest a solution? Tell him you understand that privacy is important but so is protection - can he suggest a way round this?

BTW we have a screens off at 9 rule, although the boys do not often go to sleep then.

Think your boundaries are quite reasonable actually (have a 12 yo who is only allowed fb becuase I know her password - she's happy with this). FB chat and MSN I can't monitor and I think this is enough privacy tbh - these let her have private conversationw with friends, but anything public i.e. on her wall I can vet.

WRT to bedtime - can you remove pc, or turn off wireless at 9.30?

Thanks don'tdiss. We talked through the fb problem. I suggested he friended DP who has an account with no pic and does not use it at all. DP is not my fb friend so I would not be able to view it. We said DP would warn him when he was going to have a quick look and that he would only be scanning for anything offensive and keep a very general eye. This was still massively unacceptable for him, so preferred to delete his profile (which he lied about but hey, he's 13). I talked to him about a solution but his only solution is he's allowed to do exactly what he likes. We didn't think of him nominating someone else to look at it - that's a good idea and I'll suggest it, although I can't think who it could be.

He does have granny to confide in, but she's useless. That's the reason why he lives with us now (she brought him up till now). For example, recently he wanted to go for a sleepover which we said was fine. He went to a party in a very rough area (and I grew up round here), told granny who didn't tell us because in her opinion all boys lie about stuff like that and it's not important. He came home at 11pm upset and out of his depth.

Thanks Maryz. I just so cross today - DN went to granny for the weekend and now I hear from the school his behaviour has been awful for the last two days. He had been making such a massive improvement.

I would take any compromise on the fb thing, but he won't offer anything. I have a very bad feeling about the friends he's making and feel very helpless. We don't drive anywhere, DN gets the bus to the school which is nearby, and public transport too, when he goes out outside school. I'm hoping DP will spend some quality time with him doing something they can focus on together, because I agree this makes it much easier to talk.

I don't really understand why a poster would say fb is the only place that affords him freedom of speech though. Surely he gets that everywhere ??

i always assume that fb is for some teens the modern day equivalent of our teenage diaries.

Yes but your diary was just to yourself!

DN has been on the receiving end of facebook bullying, and has doled out some too. I believe he needs to have to think before he posts.

well ok then diary/teenage phone calls

I absolutely agree with your boundaries, OP

my dd (15) is not allowed FB unless she friends us

when she has posted inappropriate content I pull her up on it

I know who she is "friends" with on FB and in RL

she has a 10pm bedtime (phone off, pc off but can watch dvd's if she wishes)

she has a curfew

if she misbehaves, those privileges are withdrawn

I think in your DN's case, wih his history, you need to be more vigilant and less easy-going, tbh

I know this isn't a "popular" view but my children (and he is effectively your child, if you are taking on parental responsibility for him) are not my mates and vice versa

congratulations on doing well so far, if he is attending school and accepting most of your rules

some compromises are obviously appropriate, but you must feel comfortable with them, not just him

good luck x

So, I had long talk with DN this evening over a curry. I think he opened up a bit, in a very 13 year old kind of way. He admitted it's not that bad that we're strict (we're not THAT strict) and has promised to turn over a new leaf. He didn't get a punishment so was very happy to be allowed his computer (I didn't want to wipe out the progress we've made) but he did have to do some internet research on the work set in the class he was sent out of. It took a while to work out what it was - he thought it was about the Jews, but it turned out to be the Jacobeans . He also has to tell the teacher he's done some work to catch up.

Maryz, bloody granny will never change. I know what to expect now, when he's been for a visit. I told him this evening that there were our rules and granny's rules - our house was our rules and they had to be minded!

As ever, DN is never happier than when he's been set straight

curries

they should serve them up at the UN Peacekeeping meetings

Maryz, I did think about relenting on the fb thing, and I do see your logic. I just don't want him getting out of his depth. I will definitely offer reinstating it when he shows some responsible behaviour

Oh, it is good to know you're all out there!

I agree, a good curry does loosen the tongue.

DP is away at the moment, he's much more Victorian. On the phone today he wanted me to remove DN's computer cable. But we've done it before, this is just a granny-related blip, he is generally on the right course. All his teachers have said he's been polite and nice in their classes, if a bit lazy, so I didn't want to wipe away all that progress. I said to him I didn't want to get into the cycle of bad behaviour and punishment and got him to talk about what happened. It turns out he was 'standing up' for his friend. I told him that was a personal decision, not a get out of jail free card, and he still had to take the consequences in terms of school punishment.

ANyway, we've had a nice evening and he has promised tomorrow is another day - there's not much more we can ask of them than that eh!

DP and I are also seeing a counsellor to help up assimilate DN into our family and accept the sacrifices it involves. She's very nice and it's good to hear each other talk about it.

aww, now you've made me teary

do you have other children ?

We have DS, 18 months so you could say we attacked parenthood from both ends!

When DS gets there we'll be waiting for him .

I'm now enjoying my

am on

a toddler and a teenager < phew >

you will need plenty of

Just wanted to say I think yr making a fantastic, thoughtful, flexible job of things. I hope if it ever comes to it I could rise to the challenge as well.

I want to say as well that it sounds like you are doing a great job and he is responding to you really positively, well done.

Lindsay - In a way it's easier when they're not 'yours', I take a pretty objective view of his behaviour and try to take different tacks. Even so, there are plenty of grim bits. But teenagers turn around so fast the worst is often swiftly followed by a highlight, like this evening.

Thanks for all your support!