do you respect your teenager's privacy?

[mamateur]

DN came to live with us 6 months ago. He has no parents and has had a very free and easy upbringing till now.

Since he started his new school I have big issues with his secrecy. He won't tell us anything about his friends, won't bring them back here, despite us telling him they are welcome and promising not to do anything embarrassing. We have just blocked facebook on the home network because he refused to friend DP. He goes to a rough school (we will be moving so he can change) and is definitely v. enamoured with the bad boys. His fb pic was a hideous rapper pose giving the finger. He said he had deleted his profile then I found him on it, so he'd been smart enough to hide his profile or has changed his name.

We have NO IDEA what's going on in his life. He talks to granny (who brought him up till now) in the evenings and confides in her over lots of issues. For instance, he told he can't bring friends back because he has affected a common accent at school.

He's not 'mine' so it's harder to push into his life. I would like to know what he's looking at on the internet (obviously we have blocked content) etc. He will go nuts. He's supposed to go to bed at 10 (apparently this is ridiculously early for a just 13 year old) and because he hasn't been (I caught him on his computer at 10.30 last night) I said I will open his door and check on him. He says this is a massive invasion of his privacy etc. as I might see him changing etc.

He is a follower not a leader and quite vulnerable with his background.

He understands we are strict and responds well to our rules. He's never had any boundaries and was refusing school when we took him. He now goes every day and is well behaved (although obviously far from studious).

I would really like to gauge some opinions from other parents of young teens..

More strops last night. He told me he was going to bed at 10, but still not in bed at 11 - apparently none of my business and I should stop checking up on him. And predictably couldn't get out of bed this morning. He left in a right sulk completely spoiling last night's rosy atmosphere.

I think I might try telling him he can have a week of his rules', wife swap style (why don't they do 'teenager swap' - What do you mean no volunteers ) and say if doesn't leave for school on time having had breakfast we go back to my rules the week after. What do you all think?

btw, I always knock and wait before I go into his room. And I really agree with doing the telling off out of their rooms so they can have a good flounce afterwards. I'll make sure I abide by that one.

Hmn, yes that's a bit more structured.

I might also say that I believe there is a link between him not having had enough sleep and not being able to concentrate at school, but of course I may be wrong so I will also expect no negative feedback from the school (i have the hoy in constant email contact) on 'his rules'.

DP is away all week so it's been tough. I met the counsellor last night (without DP) and she said she is pretty horrified at how much it has fallen to me to pick up all the crap shortfall. I've been forced into the role of matriarch. V. unfair!

Thanks Maryz, I'll report back

Well, so much for the heart to heart and promises. He behaved really badly in maths this morning (his favourite subject and teacher) and was sent out of class by 10am! Not bad going even for him.

I've removed the computer cable (aka the life support system) so he can come and talk to me when he's ready.

FFS.

Agree with your boundaries re facebook, bed times, dishwasher etc. They sound completely reasonable and fair.

One thing I've found with my teens is that they may kick and scream and roar against their boundaries but if you stick firm a few days/weeks later they'll accept them meekly as though there was never an issue. If however you show any sign of wavering or compromising, the storm will get fiercer and fiercer until you give in.

I can't remember which book on teenagers it was that gives the advice of make a rule and then stick to it but I have found it invlauable. The important point was that there is not always a 'right' answer (e.g. on the Facebook issue), but whatever your decision is stands.

Don't agonise about whether you (or anyone else) should be his friend on Facebook - you've made that rule now, so relaxing it or giving in would be more confusing and unsettling for DN in the long run and teach him that tantrums pay dividends.

Hi i think you have a difficult job there.

I am a strict mum, don't consider myself their 'friend' but more a solid person that is reliable and there for them. friendship comes later when they come through the other side. Friendship is a statement of equality which you are not.

Facebook here is used in 'public' areas, and subject to being looked at by parents. Responsibilty lies with the adult, 13 is not big enough to deal with some internet/facebook problems alone imo. Having attended a session with police teaching a class of year 6's i see how things can go very wrong if no supervision. I think the computer should only be used in public areas. If thats a problem don't let him have the computer.

my castle my rules.

sorry but i am not inclined to think that grieving stops after a while, people learn too deal with grief better. However for a 13 year old needing approval, love and guidance i think it might still be subconciensely looming. He may be at an age where their loss is more apparent as teenagers need approval more so than younger children.

I think the thing that might turn him is family fun, quality time together and respect/trust. Contracts are good but very much focused on 'if you fail this will be the consequence'.... To him he may feel he is failing before he has started so why bother in the first place. He needs to know he can be good and believe in himself in order for him to be able to start to change his nehaviour and respect your rules. We have rules like good behaviour earns rewards such as computer time, wii fit time...allowance.

Its good to look for behaviour which is good but basic so they still feel like they are doing a good job even if it seems obvious ...such as you look nice today, you smell nice today, you're home early, you've been really helpful this week/this afternoon...your room looks tidy...it creates a positive less challenging atmosphere and they feel less scrutinised. We also give a few money rewards for social/allowance type things. Not huge amounts but money talks with teenagers.

Its good he has someone to talk to like granny as some teenagers just bottle up which is no good for anyone. Perhaps you could have joint visits with granny?

apologies if i haven't come across very positive. I would say that 13 is a good age to be able to turn things around. Its great you seem so supportive of him.