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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

sex ed

51 replies

bettyboop63 · 07/03/2011 14:37

im totally for sex ed in secondary school , i had to have it in 70s in my day , this used to consist of drawings on the blackboard a grinning teacher telling us the basics ect which we all knew already and giggled through so when receiently my daughter brough home a form to sign letting me know she would in a few months be having sex ed and for me to sign i did so... the other day DD is 13 btw she comes home all giggly telling me how she spent her afternoon putting condoms on a bright pink dildo , im broad minded but do they have to be so grapgic is that really necessary? shes a virgin and only just has a bf at school no real dates yet i do know other DC's are perhaps more sexually active already but it would have been nice to have been warned the content as well as the fact they were going to be covering sex ed

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ZZZenAgain · 07/03/2011 14:39

it's rather "hands on", isn't it? I wouldn't have expected that tbh

Ooopsadaisy · 07/03/2011 14:43

Surely if we are asking our dcs to engage in safe sex, then putting on a condom is vital education.

Sex ed when I was at school was useless. It got forgotten off the cirriculum because there was a teacher's strike and we ended up doing it in the middle of our O Levels when hardly anyone in the class was a virgin. In fact, one girl had a baby that August.

I say thank God for progress, in this case.

Not nice thinking of your 13 year old struggling with a dildo though, I agree, OP.

bettyboop63 · 07/03/2011 16:16

i dont think it is vital really no, getting them to discuss it yes but it seemed weird to me i guess depends on where you live what the schools like they have never yet at this school its new 4 years old never had a teen pregnancy but i still think strange a male teacher showing teen girls how to put condoms onConfused i think its one of those things id expect them to possibly show a piece of film or something not actually do it and not sure if it almost encourages teens to experiment rather than protect themselves but i guess its one of those chicken n egg things, i probably wouldnt have minded if id been told a bit more info in the letter home rather than just were going to be doing sex ed do you want yr DC to participate or not, maybe im just getting old lol

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rinabean · 07/03/2011 16:22

It's not like they demonstrated on the teacher. I wouldn't call it "graphic" by any means.

PrettyCandles · 07/03/2011 16:25

Some girls will, sadly, be sexually active at 13 or 14, so I suppose teaching them how to use a condom is a necessary evil. Unfortunately there will also be some girls who are still very young at this age, perhaps not yet emotionally ready for this level of education.

I would certainly want to know beforehand how much detail the lesson is going to go into, but I suspect the school won't offer that sort of info as more parents would withdraw their children from the lessons.

bettyboop63 · 07/03/2011 16:36

i totally agree with everything about teaching them safe sex ect but yes playing around with a dildo i do think is OTT why do you need to do that? it says how (and its incredibly simpla) on the condom packet how to put them on , the aspect of it thats in my opinion nessesary surely is just that this is a condom and why you should IF you happen to want to have sex wear one and what it helps prevent ect why would you need to all be passed around dildos and condoms to try it out goodness if we did that for every subject?? for other subjects you look at a book , watch a film , you dont need to experience everything first hand (excuse the pun) Grinto understand it surely some things ill grant you you do but i still think that it makes them even morecurious and could have the oposite effect

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inthesticks · 07/03/2011 17:34

Perhaps a cucumber would have been a little tamer for demonstration purposes?
I sincerely hope my DS gets those same lessons as I that would be a blush too far for me to do.

bettyboop63 · 07/03/2011 17:46

lol @inthesticks ive already had all those conversations, basically ive always worked on the premise if they ask about it ill tell them and as wve always discussed anything like that as it cropped up i think they are pretty well educated in that way already, i just feel use of sex toys in school is over the top(oops that sounded so wrong on so many levels ) lol but you get my driftGrin

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BertieBotts · 07/03/2011 17:49

It's not that simple though. The pinching the end part is important and you might not pick that up from the instructions, or think it's not important. There are also things like if you at first put it on the wrong way up you can't just turn it over and try again because it's probably at this point come into contact with pre-ejaculate which can contain sperm.

A banana or a cucumber would probably be better than a dildo though, granted, but perhaps the school thought that was more wasteful. They can hardly serve the cucumbers and bananas up at school dinners afterwards. They do have an entire year group to show this demonstration to. And I think it is worth trying it in person - remember although it's not ideal, a lot of teens' first sexual experience is while drunk. You're much more likely to remember something you've done over something you've seen vaguely on a video, and if you're in the flush of hormones or alcohol that extra memory boost probably makes a lot of difference.

Also I remember with my first boyfriend he went to put the condom on and somehow managed to put it on inside out, he seemed rather uncomfortable as he was trying to unroll it!

bettyboop63 · 07/03/2011 18:04

lol @ serve them up later oh i dont know they could let them bring them home , they will be doing oral next Wink ok maybe im wrong im getting old i guess, just seems weird to me and had exactly same reaction from her n her friends fits of giggles so im not sure how much they will remember any more than in my day ok im off to wash my eyeballs and ears out after that convo pmsl

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lemonmousse · 07/03/2011 20:54

Can I just add that perhaps the cucumber might leave them a little disappointed when they eventually encounter the 'real thing'Wink (sorry couldn't resist!)

TheVisitor · 07/03/2011 20:57

I remember in 1984 doing the condom on a cucumber thing in school in 4th year.

PixieOnaLeaf · 07/03/2011 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

bettyboop63 · 07/03/2011 23:29

welll yes but im sorry weve (hopefully ) all used em and it isnt rocket science

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KashaUK · 08/03/2011 01:55

Sorry but I don't see the problem - she needs to know how to use condoms, that is not graphic in the slightest. This is really something she should have already learned about at home in my opinion.

Bear in mind that your girl may be a virgin, but many girls start having sex at 13 - if not intercourse then certainly other forms of sexual activity, and to a degree that is normal, an interest certainly is. It's important they learn these basics so as they grow older they can build on that knowledge before becoming sexually active.

When did you expect her to learn to use a condom?

Fact is this is basic stuff she should be learning, but sex education in schools is poor so chances are that she's not going to be learning much more than this - she NEEDS to. Many girls don't know how to put them on, many boys too for that matter, and it's not as simple as following condom packs - what if the time comes and they can't understand the pack?

Hopefully during these classes she will be seeing photo's of real penises - she's 13 years old, she's mature enough to be seeing penises and it is a vitally important part of her sex education...thus a dildo is nothing. She's not a child, a dildo is not an evil stick of doom...it's an appropriate representation of a penis.

nooka · 08/03/2011 02:31

They used bananas when I was at school. I think a dildo is a much better idea. I remember being really quite scared the first time I saw a erect penis (and I was 17). It would have been nice to have had a 'safe' encounter first, and I don't think that condoms are particularly easy to use either, lots of young people claim to have problems with them splitting etc, which I assume is to do with using them wrongly rather than anything else. Also perhaps it normalizes them so that young people are more likely to use them (which is obviously a very important aspect of sex ed). Finally unless you are a dildo user (and perhaps even if you are) I think that this is an aspect of sex ed that might be a bit more tricky at home.

cory · 08/03/2011 08:06

The truth is that a lot of unwanted pregnancies do happen precisely because condoms are put on wrong. So it's not a case of it being so simple that anyone can do it.

An unwanted pregnancy can be just as upsetting at 16 or 17 or 22- the difference being that there will not be anyone around then whose job it is to teach your dd and her future boyfriends how to do it properly.

My dd is 14, I do not anticipate her having sex for several years yet, but I would feel reassured if she knew how to do things safely when the day comes and I also appreciate that once can't expect her college teacher or university professor to show her- and I'd be surprised if she wanted a demonstration from me!

exoticfruits · 08/03/2011 08:21

Sounds fine to me and it is good that she was able to talk about it to you. Communication is all with teens.

Weechancer · 08/03/2011 09:18

Having worked in the field of health education for young people I see sex education as vital to the long term development of children. Governments always think that parents are the best people to deal with this - I have only encountered about a handful of young people in my 49 years in this work, who would agree with that.

Schools are seen as next best. IME primary schools do a pretty good job but when it comes to secondary schools the whole thing takes a serious dip. The problem lies in the fact that most teachers are women, also usually mothers and from a pretty limited social class. They had been to school, on to university or teacher training college, and straight back to school. No out in the world work experience for most of them. Their middle class and often their religious values limit their understanding of sex and young people today.

The teaching is primarily is about stopping girls getting pregnant or children getting infections. it should be about much more - like how to really enjoy a good sex life, gay, straight or bi-sexual.

One of the saddest comment I hear when running drug education sessions for teenagers is "Max, I have done sex - drugs and drink are more fun". To hear 15-18 year olds saying this makes me weep - they are missing out on one of natures most important natural activities, by switching to seeking their thrills in life from drugs of all kinds. The myths about drugs being an aphrodisiac are legion, and all just that total myths - with the exception of Viagra which no young male should be using as it can cause long term damage.

Sex education is best delivered by well trained independent specialists such as youth workers, who have no authority over the children, no parental hang ups to limit what they can discuss with children.

There is another vital issue that prevents much of the sex education being what children need. Confidentiality and the over the top use of child protection policies which make it almost impossible for an authority figure like a teacher to have open discussions with young people about sex without hearing things that they feel they must report on up the education management chain, for action. Kids know this so seldom share with teachers the sex worries they have about sexuality for instance, or incest, or abuse. Denying children the opportunity to have open and honest discussions about sex with a well trained, trusted adult forces them to seek their information elsewhere.

The BBC 'Sexperience" programme last year highlighted the fact that around 80% of children, from as young as 10 get their main sex education from pornography which they view on the net or on their mobiles. That source is utterly unreliable, is uncensored, not monitored and often portraying the most extreme forms of sexual behaviour that in no way gives a balanced accurate view of the reality of life. One programme suggested that boys would only go with girls that had shaved their private parts. Another spread all the common myths about penis size that is totally unhelpful to young men.

Good sexual health leads to good mental health. Good mental health is a powerful tool against children and young people turning to drugs to solve the problems of their lives.

Weechancer · 08/03/2011 10:18

I am a male youth worker who has delivered hundreds of sex education workshops to mixed groups. The last I delivered when I was 68 years of age for a group of unemployed young people. They loved it and had no hang up's about me being a male. I usually try to have a female co-worker to balance things out but also for personal safety. The big secret about this work is to make it fun and to do everything you can to listen to what the young people want to talk about not pushing your agenda. Confidentiality is also paramount, if you work for organisations that see child protection as so important that you cannot dare to discuss topics with young people that they really need to understand, then there is a real danger that our adult paranoia leads to children and young people being denied access to essential life skills and knowledge to protect them as they grow up.

Hullygully · 08/03/2011 10:22

It is filth and disgusting

GetOrfMoiLand · 08/03/2011 10:26

I don't think there is anything wrong with it at all. I remember putting a condom on a cucumber in the early 90s.

DD had sex ed lessons where she put a condom on a dildo. She told me about it in gleeful detail. I think it's a good thing, nothing to get het up about.

Themumsnot · 08/03/2011 10:32

The thing that has most horrified me about secondary school sex education is that DD hasn't had any yet. At all. And she is in Year 9. Last school sex ed was in Yr 6.

GlitterHo · 08/03/2011 10:55

it is sex ed, its not comfortable for parents I know but they need to know

bettyboop63 · 08/03/2011 11:42

she has learned it at home KashaUK we wernt discussing sex education in school i was disgussing use of sex toys , btw were obviously from a completely different era and i actually feel it IS the responsibility of the parent to have these discussions at home and SHOULD not be needed at school at all , abd im completely comfortable with sex ed at home and school as i say just not of the way in which they apear to be now doing it

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