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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

opinions wanted - am i being overprotective?

26 replies

lettuce · 19/10/2005 17:01

ok, i need some opinions on this :my dd is nearly 14 (december) and she thinks i'm being totally unreasonable, overprotective and generally a pain because i won't let her go out in the evenings to hang out with her mates. i would like her to be home when it gets dark and she wants to stay out until 9 or 9.30pm.
some of her friends apparently(!) are allowed to stay out this long, i just think it's not safe, they hang around outside somewhere so it's not like they would be at someone's house.
am i being old fashioned, overprotective etc ??

OP posts:
kid · 19/10/2005 17:04

I don't think you are being over protective. Isn't there any youth centres they can go to? Much better than hanging around on the street, especially in this weather.

Or how about they spend some time at eachothers house, taking it in turns. I'm not looking forward to those times when DD gets there!

noddyholder · 19/10/2005 17:04

I wouldn't allow a 13 year old to be out after dark either.You may seem like a strict old bag now(a bit like me with my ds)but she will thank you for it eventually.Her friends are probably not allowed either Don't feel bad you are just being a good mum

Roobie · 19/10/2005 17:05

Sounds perfectly reasonable and sensible to me. I still have this to look forward to as my dd is only 3! When I was this age though nice girls from nice families like me didn't hang out on the streets just for the sake of it..... on weekday evenings we were in doing our homework, reading, watching TV with family etc. Occasionally I would go out on pre-arranged organised meet-ups to friends houses, youthclub discos etc. I was probably a bit of a square though!

winnie · 19/10/2005 17:11

I do wonder if you need to find a compromise. Is there anyway she can go out one evening a week (say on a Friday night)? Somewhere she could be collected from, a friends perhaps? It is good to have boundaries and rules and as I have an almost 16 year old dd I do understand your concerns but at 14 she needs to learn that you trust her and it would be a stepping stone perhaps.

Original poster
lettuce · 19/10/2005 17:22

thanks everyone,
she is allowed to go to her friends houses, that's never been an issue, i just don't want her hanging round the streets. also i've said that next year when the evenings get longer again she can go out until (maybe) 9 o'clock. i think she knows that i trust her and i just want her to be safe,

OP posts:
Original poster
lettuce · 19/10/2005 17:24

she's just being a typical teenager at the moment, pushing the boundaries. by the way, she's just read this thread and thinks we're all a bunch of old bags!!

OP posts:
Libra · 19/10/2005 18:22

Is it also a case of her claiming that her friends are allowed all these freedoms, but it not actually being true? DS1 often claims that his mates are allowed all sorts of freedoms, but when I check with their mums this is simply not true. I'm not saying he - or your daughter - is lying, just that their mates' claims are not completely true.

buffytheharpsichordcarrier · 19/10/2005 18:26

sorry lettuce, I don't have any children on this age (although I have three nieces of 13/14) but I do think staying out until 9pm at nearly 14 is reasonable. It's dark now - wouild you REALLY expect her to be home by say 5pm in the winter?

why are you worried she might not be safe? is it to do with her, or to do with the area you live in?

I would have been almightily peeved to be expected to be hime by this time at that age. (I was probably out until at least 9.30)
could you not set some boundaries of where she can go, what she should be doing, when to phone you, and extend the staying out time?

I think a little trust goes a long way, if she takes the mick then you can hem her in a bit.

sorry I don;t think that's what you want to hear...

Caligula · 19/10/2005 18:37

I think at 14 on a school night, it's not unreasonable to be home by 9.30pm.

I also think it's not a reasonable activity to go wandering around the street annoying the neighbours. Sorry, call me Hyacinth Bucket, but I agree with Roobie - wandering around the street is not a suitable activity for a young person. I don't care how unreasonable or strict or old-fashioned my kids will perceive me as being, it's just not something we were ever allowed to do, and I still can't see the positive benefit of it.

mummytosteven · 19/10/2005 18:41

agree with you - fine for her to be at a pal's house, till 9.30 ish, not fine for them to be wandering the streets at all.

buffytheharpsichordcarrier · 19/10/2005 19:20

but how do we know if is she likely to annoy the neighbours? I do think we tend to assume the worst of teenagers. Lettuce, do you think that?
most 14 year old girls (and I work with quite a few of them) are perfectly able to behave properly.
I did a LOT of hanging about when I was 14. never annoyed anyone AFAIK

Original poster
lettuce · 19/10/2005 22:09

hi buffy, no i don't think they would annoy anybody, they are a nice bunch of kids and i trust my dd completely, she's very sensible, always has been,it's just that although the area we're living in is not exactly rough i would be concerned about her wandering about on her own after dark. she says she would always be with her mates, but they all live fairly spread out from each other so she would have to walk home on her own from wherever they meet up.
it seems the older they get the harder it's getting to strike a good balance between keeping them safe and letting them have a life.

OP posts:
buffytheharpsichordcarrier · 19/10/2005 22:16

I know it can't be easy. I just think that sometimes people expect the worst of teenagers, and I can get quite het up about it myself. I am sure the your dd is like the vast majority of girls and boys I work with - delightful, charming and sensible (outside the home anyway!)
I know it's a difficult balance. And I can imagine it would be a big worry to try and let her have her freedom.

tinkabell · 19/10/2005 22:17

Hello there every one I have literly just joined up on mumsnet..Well I have a son who has turned 18 Today!!! At 14 I recieved a call from my sons new friends mother asking could he sleep over..Bless I thought But He was not staying at a friends house he was wandering the steets,The so called mother was a teenage girl who sounded mature!!When I realized what was going on which I might add was not streight away I searched the streets for him I found him and a gang of other children at 11pm! being loud,messy,menacing etc. I was very angry he was really shamed when I took him home & grounded him for a week..Sadly the others childrens mothers didnt seem to care thier children were out all hours..LETTUCE STAY CRISP KEEP FURM TABS ON YOUR dAUGHTER 14 IS VERY YOUNG.So is 15, 16,17...In my opinion. X

Lmccrean · 19/10/2005 22:27

would you feel comfortable inviting your daughters friends to come to your house instead - Im sure they would jump at the chance of being somewhere warm, and if they arent up to anything then I cant imagine they would refuse (as long as you dont pop in every 5 minutes to check!)

I wasnt allowed out after 7 in winter at that age - 9 in summer- any later and mates were allowed to come up to mine. I lived a mile out from the main village, and was creepy walkin home in dark anyway!

Original poster
lettuce · 19/10/2005 22:28

well i think she's going to sulk about it for a while, but i do think she knows that my main concern is to keep her safe and that i'm not doing this to spite her.
i'm just dreading going through all this again with dd2, she's only 6 at the moment but she's the type to really kick against any restrictions, so i think i'm going to have a much harder time with her!

OP posts:
Original poster
lettuce · 19/10/2005 22:29

ll - her friends are welcome to come round any time, but they seem to prefer to hang out outside, even when it's raining!!

OP posts:
Tortington · 19/10/2005 22:32

no not at 13 i would allow mine out at 14 until 8pm.

infac ti allow my 15 year old out til 8 on a school night.

colditz · 19/10/2005 22:33

When I was 13 I had to be in by 8, but I had to be in the place I said I was going to be, with the people I had said I was going to be with.

And my mum did check up on me.

Original poster
lettuce · 19/10/2005 22:35

we have actually come up with quite a good idea concerning this - we saw these really good little wooden garden houses in B&Q recently and we thought of putting one up in the garden and then dd and her gang can use it to hang out and be by themselves and we can still keep an eye on them. they wouldn't even have to come through the house as there's access from the street to the garden.only snag is they're a bit pricey, we'll have to save up.

OP posts:
skinnycow · 19/10/2005 22:52

lettuce - i was going to suggest just that! somewhere where they can hang out and chill in safety. Mini fridge etc and she'll be eating out of your hand...

you sound like a lovely mum

tatt · 20/10/2005 09:01

love the idea of the garden room. Mine already has so much homework that hanging out outsdie isn't an option but I wouldn't let them be outside hanging about like that. I know that kids who go to one youth club here sneak out and go to the skateboard park so most mothers won't let younger girls go.

motheroftwoboys · 25/10/2005 16:21

Hi, I am just new and catching up with all the many boards. I have and very big 15 year old son and a very small 13 year old son! 15 year old wants to do all the "hanging out" bit and they genuinely do just that. At the skatepark or whatever. He is constantly pushing the boundaries but we let him stay out till 10 on Friday and Saturday (and holiday) but he's in by 7 on a school night. Year 10 - beginning to be lots of homework and he's realising that. Different if he has an activity or club in the evening of course. We do check up if he stays the night at a friends. Not many parents seem to bother checking with us. Tom would have 10 friends sleep over if we allowed. We negotiated down from 5 to 2 last night (the 5 stayed till 10 ish). Not easy to have 5 x 6ft teenagers with huge trainers in one not so huge house. We are busy converting our cellar into a sort of a "den" - with soundproofing! so they can go down there, have band practice (mine has drums!!) etc. I would rather they were there then just out but it does seem to be the thing.

Janmad · 25/10/2005 22:04

I dont have any children this age but have a niece of 17. I agree it is very difficult to know where to draw the line. she must have some freedom otherwise she will plan ways to pull the wool over your eyes and the last thing you want is to be lied to. I think 9pm on a weekday is a little too late but maybe Friday you could let her go pictures, let her make a regular thing. She makes her owm way there (early) you pick her up. I think thats is a win/win. She has the girly fun of being with her friends out and about and you know exactly where she is!

meggymoo · 25/10/2005 22:10

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