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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

totally lost it today with vile dd 13

62 replies

Stripey99 · 23/02/2011 00:07

last year dd started periods (june) and her hormones created some pretty dramatic moods swings. Things got so bad we went to the doctors as she was starting to throw things at me, swear at me, belittle me, told me to F* off.

The doctor wanted to refer us for family counsilling but after being assessed, they decided we didnt warrant as our sitution wasnt bad enough!

After xmas things completely calmed down and thought maybe it was just a phase. But, this week it has started all over again. I asked her to do something and she just exploded. Threw her boots at me, nearly smashing a mirror, screamed she hated me, that i was a failure, laughed at me when i tried to tell her off.

After nearly half an hour of insults and door slamming, sniggers and swearing from her i lost it completely and shouted really loudly BEHAVE YOURSELF and smacked her arse.

Its not my ideal way of dealing with things and now feel like the failure she sees me as because i lost it. :( :(

OP posts:

laosvher · 23/02/2011 09:30

I doubt she actually sees you as a failure, she was more than likely just trying to upset you/cause a reaction.

I don't have any advice though, will watch this thread closely

QOD · 23/02/2011 09:34

I love my dd sooooooooooooo much. I really really love her with all my heart
But fuck me she is soooooooooooooooooo horrible :(
(well a lot of the time)
She's been vile for over a year on and off - it's pmt 3 out of 4 weeks then when I am nearly in pieces as I can't take it anymore, we have a week of nice dd.

Maryz · 23/02/2011 10:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

myboobsrock · 23/02/2011 16:28

We've had a similar run in with our vile 12 year old DD today which resulted in me having to push her out the door to sit in the garden as she was physically punching me and she called her dad a fucking psycho.First time she has actually sworn at us or she's attacked me though I was in the wrong for pushing her and I know that - I am scared by how violent I felt towards her though.

I am still shaking. It was in front of her two younger sisters who were both crying. She is a rude abusive nightmare, I feel desperate and feel your pain Stripey.

cyrilsneer · 23/02/2011 20:16

Stripey...

Is it possible that this is a major case of PMS?

If the beginning of these situations coincided with the start of her periods and there are times when life is relatively calm but then you have these explosive episodes then it seems possible to me that the worst behaviour might be fuelled by hormones...?

Where is she in her cycle?

Deaddei · 23/02/2011 20:23

Oh I too have had this, when dd 14 told me to fuck off and threw her alarm clock at me.
I was like a whippet- ran to her in bed, pinned her arms down and made her apologise.
In the morning she was very sheepish. Again I think hormones are partly to blame, and she is under the weather, having blood tests for tiredness.
But as I've posted in another thread, today I watched DVDs of them when she was about 3, and I forget how little she was.
She is still a very vulnerable, sad girl at times- mild depression, OCD and self harming.

greenteaforme · 23/02/2011 22:18

I am in shock reading that someone said they throw water in their child`s face and then vandalise there property.

Surely the Op is wanting her daughter to treat her with respect? This is not setting a good example. This is the same behaviour mirrored in the mother.

You want your children to behave yes - though not due to the fear of parental retaliation.

This is a trying time for the OP and hopefully by managing her behaviour and choosing your battles your daughter grow through this phase.

yogididabooboo · 23/02/2011 22:22

Never engage with arguing. Ever. Toddler to teen, it just isn't worth it.

Give the instruction and walk away.

If they scream and shout ignore it.
If they say something that your house rules do not allow then Say loudly and calmly "that is not permitted in this house and you know it. " and walk away.

Do not take anything said personally.

mrspnut · 23/02/2011 22:25

I think you need to pick you battles carefully otherwise the teenage years become a war ground. I decided long ago what my boundaries were and told my teenage daughter that crossing them would mean dire punishment.

She crossed them a few times to begin with but when the punishments came she decided that skirting around the right edge of my boundaries was a better option.

Having said that, I allow swearing and for her to call me names. She isn't allowed to call her sister names or swear at her sister. She also isn't allowed to tell lies, stay out after curfew or go somewhere she hasn't informed us about.

I'm not perfect but I'm doing the best I can to raise a decent adult.

doubleease · 23/02/2011 23:07

Deaddei I saw your thread earlier and responded. Until I saw your thread I really thought I was the only person this happened to.

My 14 seems to hear a tone in my voice that I can't hear. If I say something sometimes I get the response 'what you in a mood for' which we all know can sometimes get your back up. Most of the time I just ignore and walk away but there are occasions (like yesterday where she called me all the names under the sun and booted me in the shin) where I can't seem to hold it in. Trouble is we are both on the same cycle so we are both rather touchy at the same TOTM!

How do people cope with the 'I wish I was dead/I'm going to kill myself' comments? usually after I've taken away the laptop/phone as punishment.

My DD has very clear boundries about what is acceptable, she knows this behaviour isn't acceptable but can't seem to help herself, she's admitted that herself.

LaurieFairyCake · 23/02/2011 23:15

I dont see anything wrong with lifting a child up and putting them out the back door if they're punching you.

I won't allow dd to hit me at all. I don't hit her so she's not allowed to hit me.

I don't judge the op though, vent away. Teenagers can be very trying.

jenniec79 · 23/02/2011 23:22

I still remember the last time my mum smacked me.

I was a foul, hormonal 15yo. She was menopausal. We had both got to the point of hysterical. I can't remember what about!

Her reflex was to smack me (probably the 4th smack in my life) Mine was to smack back. The shock calmed the situation down instantly on both sides.

We get on like a house on fire these days (I'm 32 and live about 200 miles away, but speak daily)

Don't beat yourself up - this too will pass.

CointreauVersial · 23/02/2011 23:29

Reading with fascination and a little trepidation (dd1 coming up to 10, still teen-in-training).

Teens are not much different to toddlers, are they?

cyrilsneer · 24/02/2011 09:46

Too right - there are lots of parallels between the toddler and the teen years, CointreauVersial.

The teenager has a larger arsenal of awfulness at his/ her dispoal though. You can distract a tantruming toddler or place an out of control two year old in his/her cot and walk away to let them get it out of their system. It never lasts for very long and then they're lovely again.

It's SUCH a delicate balance with teenagers... If you're not strict enough they'll potentially get far too big for their boots, walk all over you and have no respect. But you don't want to be TOO too stict because they have to be allowed to develop and be themselves and if you ARE too strict they can suddenly have enough and rebel big time - walk out, in fact, and put themselves at risk of all sorts of stuff.

Teenagers are wonderful and in many, many respects I am enjoying this phase so much more than the toddler years but boy is it hard sometimes...

pinkchoccy · 24/02/2011 10:56

Hi is your dd going out alot or not coming home from schol on time etc. I hope she is not dabbling with drugs i.e. cannabis? My son behaved very similar to this at that age and was using. I was niave and also put it down to hormones.

nannyl · 24/02/2011 14:37

Just be really careful with smacking her...

not really the same, but (at 25years old) had another huge arguement with my vile step dad.

He WAS nasty, abusive, 2 faced, and bullied my mother so she couldnt leave. He emotionally blackmailed people and was the vilest man i have ever had the misfortune to meet in my entire life. A real nasty nasty man...

but anyway during a really heated arguement, where he told my mum he had another woman (as a "joke") I told him to "Go and F**K someone elses mother" (which i would like to add i meant literally)

He turned on me, yes he was cross but doesnt excuse attacking me.... he gave me 7 bruises and strangled me.

anyway i went straight to the police and got him charged with assaulting me.
he was arrested and spent time in cells, and he now has violent crime on his criminal record which will make job seeking very hard for him.

I mean just be careful, as if you leave a mark and DD does something about it you will be stuck in a very tricky situation.

(just to add my mother is now just a few weeks away from being divorced from the nasty violent abusive man piece of )

Original poster

Stripey99 · 24/02/2011 15:05

thanks for all advice, i genuinely mean this.

Since the smack incident weve had a long talk and i explained that i lost my temper and susequently, lost control. Shes told me she feels like she cant get her anger out any other way but by taking out on me. One thing shes angry about is some horrible things written on her fb page because of her hair colour (auburn).

Ive also shown her this thread because i wanted her to know how shocked i felt by losing it.

OP posts:

cyrilsneer · 24/02/2011 15:22

Hope you can make friends... I'm sure you'll both take away lessons from this experience, Stripey. Best wishes to you and your DD.

GypsyMoth · 24/02/2011 15:34

Being on the pill does seem to have done something for my own dd. We are getting through this slowly with a setback or 2 along the way. It all started for us with the onset of periods.

pinkchoccy · 24/02/2011 15:37

this also could be something underlying.

Ormirian · 24/02/2011 15:38

Ormirian · 24/02/2011 15:39

OK read some more.

May I just say... FUCKING FACEBOOK!

Thanks

bigbluebus · 24/02/2011 19:33

I took DS's PS3 off him as a consequence of bad behaviour. He went to my bedroom and took my hairdrier and straighteners in return. Decided to ignore his action and pretend I hadn't noticed -had a spare hairdrier anyway, but had to manage with slightly curly hair for a few days! Eventually returned his PS3 once behaviour improved and he apologised and he gave me back my belongings. LOL
So beware of the door removing trick if your DC is a dab hand with a screwdriver!

DirtyMartini · 24/02/2011 19:45

GOd, FB again. I so hope social networking has become deeply uncool by the time DS hits the pre-teen stage ... 7 years to go.

OP I'm glad you had a good talk.

GypsyMoth · 24/02/2011 19:46

Bet it doesn't martini!!

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