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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

14 year old daughter having sex

37 replies

Teresa99 · 16/02/2011 11:11

Please help...I am new to this forum and don't know what to do! I discovered yesterday that my 14 year old daughter (she's 15 in a couple of weeks) has had sex with her 15 year old boyfriend. They've done it twice so far. I found out because I had her phone yesterday and uncharacteristically I decided to look through her texts!! I spent most of yesterday crying, feeling sick and just not knowing what to do. Her dad and I spoke to her about it last night. To start with she couldn't see what the big deal was (it would seem that loads of her friends are in sexual relationships so for her it seems quite normal). I know that they both think a lot of each other and they are both in their first "serious" relationship, so for both of them, it would seem that their first time was with the right person. They've been seeing each other for around 6 months. I explained that her dad and I had welcomed him into our home (she has a very good relationship with his parents too) and we had trusted both of them. They are both excellent students who excel in most subjects. Over the last few months, we have seen her grow in confidence since she has been with her BF. Whilst her behaviour has never been really bad, she has been far more considerate and appreciative and.....happy!! Perhaps we should have seen this coming, but we honestly trusted her (and him) and thought she was sensible. We thought she had more respect for us as her parents and for herself. I feel ashamed because I thought we had brought her up knowing right from wrong and that sex at 14 is wrong. Why couldn't they have both waited?? We told her all this last night. It wasn't really a row but both she and I ended up in tears. She went to her room, phoned her BF, told him what had happened and called it all off telling him that she loved us more than she loved him. We talked more and we both told her that finishing with him was the wrong thing to do and that we know how sad she would be if she didn't see him (they really do get on so well. He has become her best friend). I can imagine all sorts of far worse rebellious behaviour if we insist on them finishing things.

After more talks, we told her to phone him again and carry on seeing him, but there would now be ground rules (shutting the stable door etc I know!!) She said they had both decided not to do it again but how can we trust her???

After we were all exhausted by all the talking, she came and sat on my lap and I hugged her, cried some more and told her how much I love her and just want to protect her, help her grow into a good person (which she is anyway). She has a great future ahead of her and with our support she could do anything she wants but that we didn't want her to throw it all away by getting pregnant. Her dad did much the same.

The other thing is that it would appear that she told one girlfriend who spread it around so now everyone knows (this was also evident from her texts, plus she told us). Parents probably know as well by now!! So, we also told her that what we discussed last night stays between us and that all the playground bragging etc must stop because the peer pressure has all been part of their decision. She agreed and I believe her.

She has never been a rebellious teenager. She has her moments, but generally she is a well rounded girl who is kind and considerate. She works hard at school and is popular with both her friends and adults. Both she and I are very very close and I worry that part of the closeness has now gone.

This morning she was very subdued and I am now worried that we have handled the whole situation all wrong and will cause her damage. Her decision to break up with her BF was because she felt she had let us down. Is it right for her to feel so guilty about it? Have we shifted the blame onto her when actually we should take some responsibility and perhaps not have given them so much freedom (leaving them unattended in our house) and not been so welcoming. Should we have talked more to her about sex?? I am really worried about how she will cope with the guilt I know she now feels!!

Please help. Any advice anyone can offer will be very gratefully received. My little girl is growing up and I'm worried everything is all going horribly wrong for her now! thanks

OP posts:

BooBooGlass · 16/02/2011 11:15

'Both she and I are very very close'

Forgive me OP< but I think your relationship with your daughter is verging on unhealthy. For her to break off with her boyfriend in a desperate attempt to appease you and gain your approval? Wrong wrong wrong. I understand why you're upset, and I would be too. But you've made this too much about you and your reputation. What an awful lot of pressure this young woman is under to please you

Original poster

Teresa99 · 16/02/2011 11:35

Thank you for your reply. I don't think our relationship is verging on unhealthy. I drive her to and from a lot of sport events that she is involved in, so we spend a lot of time together, so of course we are close. I'm not sure that is a bad thing!

But, yes, I am very worried about the pressure that we have now put her under. My concern is for her...she is a vulnerable 14 year old who thinks she is far more grown up that she actually is. What do I do to help her feel less guilty about what has happened and deal with it so she remains happy and well balanced?

OP posts:

BooBooGlass · 16/02/2011 11:37

Have you apologised to her for reading her messages? She most likely not only feels immense guilt but also anger at you, and rightly so

FannyFifer · 16/02/2011 11:42

Goodness you really did go about it all wrong, poor girl.
Not ideal she having sex at 14 but she seems quite responsible, been seeing boyfriend for a while, good student etc.

Have you spoken to her about contraception etc?

Original poster

Teresa99 · 16/02/2011 11:42

Of course I have and yes she has every right to feel angry with me, which she does. But there are arguements for and against reading your children's texts, and this post is not about that.

This post is about how I help my daughter get through this not about the rights or wrongs of me reading her texts.

OP posts:

BooBooGlass · 16/02/2011 11:44

Of course it's about that. Reread what you've written, all of it. All I see is a mother not concerned about her daughter so much as concerned about how it reflects on herself. You've made her feel a disappointment to you when by your own admission she is a great girl. SHe must feel dreadful, the weight of your expectations must be a hell of a load to bear

FannyFifer · 16/02/2011 11:46

Agree with BooBoo.

Original poster

Teresa99 · 16/02/2011 11:46

FannyFifer - Yes we have spoken about contraception. She has promised that they have agreed not to do it again, and that they did use condoms on both occasions.

We have agreed to leave it for a few days and let us all come to terms with what has happened. We will then discuss it further next week when we are all a bit calmer and less emmotive.

OP posts:

roadtrain · 16/02/2011 11:52

Goodness me, I have to say bluntly that I think you have handled it all wrong and have totally overreacted.

She is almost 15 and she is responsible and works hard. She is seeing a boy who is similar to her in age and ideals. I think that you have made her feel that she has really let you down - when actually the case is that you won't let her grow up. She has a bit of independence and I can't see that she has done anything silly with it. She is just growing into a sensible young woman and it seems that you should be proud of her.

tomhardyismydh · 16/02/2011 11:52

First off I dont think its wrong for your dd to be having a sexual relationship and I also fear that expressing shame in her is very wrong of you. It sounds like your dd has been very sensible and grown up. Idealy any parent would want thier child to wait but not always the way.

sencondly I feel you need to have a more open discussion about personal safety, using prtection and contraception.

Your dd has not betrayed you by having a sexual relationship with her boy friend. It sounds like they have a lovely respectfull relationship and this is what you want to promote.

You did handle this very wrong and Your dd should not be feeling guilt. What you need to do now is tell dd you handled this wrong and ofcourse you are not ashamed of her, but was in shock as its a difficult and scary thing for you to have discovered and silly silly mum just didnt know how to handle it.

let her know you are there for her every step of her life through the great choices she makes and the not so great choices she makes and that you have betrayed her privacy but want to move on from here.

find out what support she requires, does she need to visit the gu or gp for std tests and contraception, and you can support her to these appointments.

Original poster

Teresa99 · 16/02/2011 11:53

BooBooGlass - I have not put everything in this post as it would take too long. Of course I am dissappointed, but please don't tell me that I am a mother more concerned about my reputation that my daughter because you couldn't be further from the truth. You only know what you have read here which is just a snippet of our lives.

But as I stated before, how do I resolve the situation??

OP posts:

tomhardyismydh · 16/02/2011 11:55

just read your last post, you would also be silly to leave any further talk untill next week and belive she will not do it again, of course she will, you need to face up to this and accept that they will be having more sex and you need to ensure she has the appropriate contracption asap.

Tillyscoutsmum · 16/02/2011 11:56

I think you're getting a hard time OP. Its lovely you and your dd are so close and she sounds like a sensible girl.

I know having sex at almost 15 is far from ideal but is it really the end of the world ?? Obviously if she is having a sexual relationship purely because of peer pressure or, worse, pressure from her bf, then that is wrong but other than making sure she has good contraception and being there to talk to her openly at any time, I don't really see what else you can do.

Guacamole · 16/02/2011 11:56

BooBoo I don't see that at all, in fact I think OP and her DH handled it well. I think the OP and her DD obviously have a strong and healthy relationship, although it would have been nice if OP had realised her DD was serious enough about this boy to be considering sex and discussed it with her beforehand. I might have to reread the post because I really don't see anything wrong in the way OP handled this.

roadtrain · 16/02/2011 11:57

You shouldn't be disappointed - that's the point. She has been in this relationship for 6 months and she has been careful (using condoms). Personally, I would go one further and tell her that she ought to start recording her cycle and not have sex around the middle of her cycle in case of a condom splitting.

You resolve the situation by:

Apologising for looking at her texts, but saying you did it because you love her and want the best for her.
Saying she has your blessing to keep seeing this boy, allowing him to visit your house and not being awkward around him.
Admitting that you overreacted, again because she is your baby and you want to protect her.

Original poster

Teresa99 · 16/02/2011 11:58

I know she won't do it again before then as BF is away with his family from tomorrow for a week. That's why we thought it best to wait a few days.

OP posts:

roadtrain · 16/02/2011 11:59

How is she going to feel during these few days? Dreading what's coming? Devising ways of keeping things more secret from you for next time?

tomhardyismydh · 16/02/2011 12:00

I wouldnt wait your dd is feeling ashamed that she has let you down and you are willing to let her sit on this for another week. you need to give her support poor girl, take her to the gp to get some contraception as it may take a week or so to take effect depending upon what she choses and her cycle.

you cant bury your head in the sand for a while after your reaction to her.

PositiveAttitude · 16/02/2011 12:02

I too was faced with similar a few years ago, and believe me, you handled it better than i did !

Keep communication open and honest. It is a shock, but life will settle down again and it wont be such a huge issue. Contraception is a MUST!!

I do think that your DD will probably have second thoughts about breaking it up with her boyfriend, unless they were on rocky grounds anyway, so dont be surprised if they get back together.

At work, so going to have to dash off, but will catch up on this thread later.

Original poster

Teresa99 · 16/02/2011 12:03

roatrain and tomhardismydh - points taken, I agree...I hadn't thought of any of that. Thankyou.

OP posts:

KazBarTheFriendlyGhost · 16/02/2011 12:05

Get her on the pill, If she's having sex you can't stop her unfortunately but you can help to prevent unwanted pregnancy.

Don't be so hard on her, or yourself - girls develop at different ages and if you trust her and are available to chat about these things then she will approach you about it in future rather than you finding out from text messages.

She needs to be able to tell you things and for it not to become a massive issue - she feels like she has done something terribly wrong here and I fear she won't come to you in future for advice.......

She seems like a nice girl with a sensible head on her shoulders...

Original poster

Teresa99 · 16/02/2011 12:05

PositiveAttitude - She hasn't broken up with him now. They are back on and they still have our blessing.

OP posts:

jaffacake79 · 16/02/2011 12:10

Don't wait to talk it through.
I agree with roadtrain's 11:57 post.
I would also apologise to her for making her feel ashamed. A healthy sex life and good attitude towards herself and her bf are important and it sounds as if she's a very sensible girl.
Talk to her about possibly going on the pill, as condoms aren't always reliable. Offer to take her to the GP.
Explain that her growing up and this big step is scary for you, as it means you no longer see her as your baby but a grown up young lady.
Give her a giant hug and tell her you love her unconditionally, Mums make mistakes in knowing how to deal with things too!

ruddynorah · 16/02/2011 12:12

To resolve it you apologise for overreacting firstly. Then you discuss how to make the best of it ie get her on the pill.

tomhardyismydh · 16/02/2011 12:16

its not the end of the world and now your over your initial shock you will work it with her,

good luck OP. and be proud of your dd for all the other things that she is and does.

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