14 year old daughter having sex

[Teresa99]

Please help...I am new to this forum and don't know what to do! I discovered yesterday that my 14 year old daughter (she's 15 in a couple of weeks) has had sex with her 15 year old boyfriend. They've done it twice so far. I found out because I had her phone yesterday and uncharacteristically I decided to look through her texts!! I spent most of yesterday crying, feeling sick and just not knowing what to do. Her dad and I spoke to her about it last night. To start with she couldn't see what the big deal was (it would seem that loads of her friends are in sexual relationships so for her it seems quite normal). I know that they both think a lot of each other and they are both in their first "serious" relationship, so for both of them, it would seem that their first time was with the right person. They've been seeing each other for around 6 months. I explained that her dad and I had welcomed him into our home (she has a very good relationship with his parents too) and we had trusted both of them. They are both excellent students who excel in most subjects. Over the last few months, we have seen her grow in confidence since she has been with her BF. Whilst her behaviour has never been really bad, she has been far more considerate and appreciative and.....happy!! Perhaps we should have seen this coming, but we honestly trusted her (and him) and thought she was sensible. We thought she had more respect for us as her parents and for herself. I feel ashamed because I thought we had brought her up knowing right from wrong and that sex at 14 is wrong. Why couldn't they have both waited?? We told her all this last night. It wasn't really a row but both she and I ended up in tears. She went to her room, phoned her BF, told him what had happened and called it all off telling him that she loved us more than she loved him. We talked more and we both told her that finishing with him was the wrong thing to do and that we know how sad she would be if she didn't see him (they really do get on so well. He has become her best friend). I can imagine all sorts of far worse rebellious behaviour if we insist on them finishing things.

After more talks, we told her to phone him again and carry on seeing him, but there would now be ground rules (shutting the stable door etc I know!!) She said they had both decided not to do it again but how can we trust her???

After we were all exhausted by all the talking, she came and sat on my lap and I hugged her, cried some more and told her how much I love her and just want to protect her, help her grow into a good person (which she is anyway). She has a great future ahead of her and with our support she could do anything she wants but that we didn't want her to throw it all away by getting pregnant. Her dad did much the same.

The other thing is that it would appear that she told one girlfriend who spread it around so now everyone knows (this was also evident from her texts, plus she told us). Parents probably know as well by now!! So, we also told her that what we discussed last night stays between us and that all the playground bragging etc must stop because the peer pressure has all been part of their decision. She agreed and I believe her.

She has never been a rebellious teenager. She has her moments, but generally she is a well rounded girl who is kind and considerate. She works hard at school and is popular with both her friends and adults. Both she and I are very very close and I worry that part of the closeness has now gone.

This morning she was very subdued and I am now worried that we have handled the whole situation all wrong and will cause her damage. Her decision to break up with her BF was because she felt she had let us down. Is it right for her to feel so guilty about it? Have we shifted the blame onto her when actually we should take some responsibility and perhaps not have given them so much freedom (leaving them unattended in our house) and not been so welcoming. Should we have talked more to her about sex?? I am really worried about how she will cope with the guilt I know she now feels!!

Please help. Any advice anyone can offer will be very gratefully received. My little girl is growing up and I'm worried everything is all going horribly wrong for her now! thanks

Well...me and your DD could be twins. I started having sex at the cusp of 15, after seeing my BF for 8mo and didn't see it as a particularly huge deal as others apparently seemed to be doing the same (from nice average normal area). I was very sensible, got good grades but felt I was ready for it. Wasn't a snap decision and I wasn't at all pressurised.

I was/am very close with my Mum but just wouldn't really have considered talking to her about it as it would be mortifying and 'my business' really. (From my standpoint now as a parent I really love that if I had a DD she would tell me...but for me, it was in no way a reflection on my Mum or my relationship with her - it was just between me and my BF - so I can completely understand her not talking to you about it).

At 14/15 I felt old enough. I took responsibility for it too and we always used condoms (think he used to wear 2 sometimes for good measure! ), took morning after pill when once we weren't sure whether the thing had spilt, then I went on the pill and had regular smear tests.

However, from my adult and parent perspective now I am a little horrified that I started so young. Just cos when I look at girls of that age now and think...'really, did I really feel old enough and sensible enough??' I did at the time. But in hindsight it probably would've been better to wait a few years - although its done me no harm either emotionally or whatever (continued to get good grades, broke up with BF fine, went to uni, got job, got family) etc.

But having been pg and had children, plus knowing people who have had abortions I wonder if I was a little lucky. Only takes one little slip (I was super careful though). I had thought it all through and was convinced I would have an abortion if it ever came to that. Obviously this is highly personal but I know now that I certainly wasn't emotionally mature enough to make that decision - thankfully I never had to.

Sorry to waffle on....I think you should talk again to you DD and say that your original reaction was just shock. Its new territory for both of you and you're both just finding your feet. If my Mum would've found out I would likely have felt the same - that I had let my Mum down and felt very guilty (and thats not from being too close with my Mum...just thats the type of person I was). And hideously embaressed. I'd try and keep the doors open for communication - talk about contraception, talk about boundaries with the BF, maybe discuss things with the BF's parents so that everyone is on the same page.

I'm gonna play devils advocate here

its not good, i'm not gonna argue there but 14/15 seems like teens being teens.

If the age gap was bigger I would be more concerned .exploitation etc

The OP seemed a lil OTT, a quiet discussion would have worked better, 'spending the whole night crying'

probably scarred her far worse than having sex INFP

Teresa99 - naturally you are concerned about your DD, and at 15 she is under the age of consent and your responsibility - but not for very much longer.

I have a hunch that her attitude to sexual relationships may be different to yours and so her behaviour has shocked and surprised you; it may be hard for you to deal with that, but you are the grown up here.

The lad is her age and you know and like him - is that so bad? You may have scared her into breaking up with him, but it's her relationship, not yours. If it's serious, you'll be seeing more of him. Soon you may need to consider your reaction to him staying over...

What other people may, or may not think, is absolutely none of their business. It's probably all over facebook and there's not much you can do about it! Stay calm and carry on!

Keep the door open for her, discuss different views on relationships, offer your support with getting good contraceptive advice and a shoulder to cry on if it all turns pear shaped. Lastly, as someone else said give her a big hug. Congratulations, your baby DD is now a woman!

I hope it all turns out well for you both.

I don't think the op has overreacted.
I would be very upset if this was my daughter.

The reality is that she is under the age of consent, therefore cannot give it, and it is statutory rape.
OP, just keep communication open. You are all entitled to your feelings around it. But I do think the boyfriend should be part of the discussion, not cut out.

It's clearly been a massive shock for you but hopefully you'll start to accept that your lovely daughter who is a sensible and conscientious girl was ready to start having a sexual relationship with her lovely boyfriend. They've been together for six months, they're great together, she's happy... I think it's normal.

I know that fourteen is not ideal bit she will be fifteen shortly and it sounds like she is more like a sixteen year old in her outlook in many respects...

It's great that they used condoms but I would talk to her about going on the pill as another safety net.

Explain to her that it's been a shock finding out that she's list her virginity because you had no idea that it was imminent but now that you've had time to get your head round it, you can accept it and will support her gently if they decided at some point in the future to go down that route again.

You sound like a loving and caring and thoughtful Mum to me and your daughter sounds like a lovely girl.

I'm sorry you've had this shock but I guess it is what it is... In another time/ place/ culture she could be married at fourteen.

tbh I don;t know how I would react if this was my dd ( just 14) I fully agree that over reacting is not the right thing to do etc etc, but also think that the OP did what she did at the time cuase that's how she was feeling - hindsight is a wonderful thing !

Best way forward OP is to try and get back to some sort of normality asap.

Good luck with everything and hope it all works out ok.x also don;t be too hard on yourself now either {smile] x

It is a shock and yes you handled it WELL
She is not emotionally old enough to deal with this.
She needs to wait a while longer to resume her sexual relationship with her bf.
To all those who say she is I think yyou've forgotten she is only 14/15, a child.

You are doing well keeping all lines ommunication open
Good luck

I don't think the op has overreacted either. I have a DD the same age and would be very upset if she was having sex, she is still quite innocent. I was a very rebellious teen and even I was 15, almost 16. 14 to me is too young. I don't think she should encourage it although now it is already happening not sure there is much can be done.

I would just like to add my thoughts, I do not have a teenage daughter but remember clearly conversations with my mother when she was concerned (understatement) about me and my reputation/developing interest in boys.

You said that she is alomst 15, and apart from being a year or two too early she has done better than most by having her first sexual relationship with someone she loves, you like and has taken precautions. My concern from what you have written is that no part of it was about helping her to make the right decision, it was more about what you want her to do. I think this is why she broke up with him.

Thank you everyone for your words of advice and support. I didn't actually see her yesterday after school as she was staying at a friend's (pre planned before all this). I did have a long chat with her on the phone though. She was quite frosty with me to start with but then I moved the conversation onto this subject and told how sorry I was to have over reacted and that it was a shock etc etc...She said that her BF was worried about seeing us again and I told her that we wouldn't make things awkward for him in the slightest and that we know how happy he makes her, so he is still welcome. I just felt that I needed to let her know that we will support her in anything she does. I knew as soon as I started talking with her that she was very down hearted so my apology couldn't wait. She was very gracious and accepted it. I hope that the pressure we've put them both under will not do their relationship any harm but only time will tell now.

LBAKU - We told her not to break up with him though. That was never our wish... and it's too late to help her make the right decision...the right decision would have been to not have sex just yet.

But yes, I agree that I'm glad she has lost her virginity to such a nice lad who she adores and who adores her.

I over reacted and could have handled it better and that is why I posted for help to repair any damage I may have caused (to her emotionally, to their relationship and to our relationship too).

I know that I now need to support her emotionally and in getting suitable contraception sorted. Again, it's a hard thing to get my head round because of her age, but I will do it...and calmly!!

Like teenagers, parents don't always get it right!!

You sound like a fab mum tbh. I think people have reacted quite severely here. Ironically they are ticking you off for doing the same (reacting) and ironically I think they mean as well as you did.