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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Are all 13 year olds like this? I'm struggling [sad]

45 replies

TequilaMockinBird · 10/02/2011 20:12

DD is 13. She is the most awkward person I've ever come across! If I say I like something, she doesn't like it. If I said I didnt like it, she would etc! Her bedroom is always a tip. Clothes strewn everywhere, rubbish on the floor, numerous glasses and plates littered across windowsill etc. Infact you cant even see the carpet, or the bed at some times!

Tonight she 'hates me' and I'm 'gay' (I'm not actually gay but this is apparently the new word). I really don't know how much more I can take from her! It's a constant battle and it feels like I'm always losing.

Basically, theres a sleepover at a friends house tomorrow night for friends birthday. Last weekend, DD asked me if she could have some money to go into town on Tuesday night and buy a present to take to the sleepover. I agreed but said that she had to tidy her bedroom up first. She refused.

So Tuesday morning came and she asked if she could have the money for town that night. I said no because the room wasnt done. After slamming all the doors and muttering under her breath, she went to school.

Fast forward to tonight. The sleepover is tomorrow and she needs to take some money as they will be ordering pizza's and a dvd. Fine I said - as long as your bedroom is tidied.

Once again, she has refused. Says she wants to go and live with her dad because he's 'nice' and how she hates me etc.

I am so Sad and Angry. I know she doesnt really want to go live with the twunt her Dad and she's only saying that but why, why, why wont she just tidy the blardy room? It's not like I'm asking her to do much, that's all she has to do and she can therefore have her pocket money and go to sleepovers.

Thanks for listening, I really just needed to rant!

OP posts:
DukesOfTripHazard · 10/02/2011 20:59

Look. My dds are 9 and 6 so I am a little off this but a deal's a deal and I think you should stick to it, however gay that makes you.

3littlefrogs · 10/02/2011 21:02

Stick to your guns. You have about 4 years of this ahead of you. Don't fall at the first fence.

TheCowardlyLion · 10/02/2011 21:07

Just be glad you are just 'gay' and not 'well gay' Grin

fluffles · 10/02/2011 21:11

a deal's a deal.

BUT

in future i wouldn't worry about the room myself. let it be her space, dont' go in there - let her take her laundry etc. in.

ultimately messy rooms cause so much aggro and break down in parent/teenager relationships but it doesn't really matter does it?

fartmeistergeneral · 10/02/2011 21:11

I've been on another thread which is about dealing with the trials and tribulations of an 11 yo boy. Very similar, awkward, negative etc.

My ds is 12 and is the same about tidying his room. Why on earth is it such a big deal? Just do it??@?@@ But for some reason it is such a stumbling block!

So, did she not get to go in to the town to get a present then? Did you stick to your guns? As with so much of parenting, that is the key.

fartmeistergeneral · 10/02/2011 21:13

Fluffles, I know what you mean about it being their space, and ultimately, who cares. BUT, my son's room is such a tip at times that he can't find things, homework/jotters/bus pass etc etc.

And I can't help thinking, no wonder his brain is so frazzled when his 'space' is so frazzled too!

niftyfifty · 10/02/2011 21:14

Don't give in. DS is the same age and behaving in much the same way. Like you say, you're only asking her to tidy her room, not deep clean the entire house!

Am not looking forward to the next 4 years then frogs ...

TidyBush · 10/02/2011 21:18

I think with teenagers (mine are 16 and 13 yo DDs) it's a case of picking your battles.

I never bother arguing about bedrooms, it's a complete waste of time (I spent hours ignoring my mom Grin ).

I don't even go in there other than to get them up or say goodnight. Just shut the door on it and job done.

However, they are not allowed to leave a mess in any other room (including the bathroom) or have food/drink in their rooms.

I'm having a quiet snigger to myself though as DD2 is having friends round tomorrow (training day) and has spend the past 3 hours trying to get her room sorted so they can actually fit in there Grin.

fluffles · 10/02/2011 21:19

fartmeistergeneral in your case i would have penalties for lost stuff, but ignore the room (while pointing out the correlation).

he is a teenager now and they all need to learn for themselves that a tidy room is easier to live in/with.

Cain · 10/02/2011 21:20

I would agree with not giving the money and sticking to your guns.

You have asked her 3 times now and she has refused.

I might be tempted to stop her going to the sleep over at all until she has made an attempt at the bedroom if only to let her know that she will not be allowed to behave like that.

Having said that, I can see some sense in the comment above about not getting into an issue over the bedroom but if you back down now you have as good as told her she can behave however she likes.

Cain · 10/02/2011 21:23

fartmeistergeneral please could you link to the thread about the 11 year old boy - I have one of those too.

luluzulu · 10/02/2011 21:25

TELL HER THAT WHILST SHE IS AT THIS SLEEPOVER YOU WILL BE DONNING THE MARRIGOLDS YOURSELF AND HAVING A PROPPER GOOD SPRING CLEAN, SHE WILL WINCE AT THE THAUGHT OF YOU FINDING HER SECRET DIARY/UNSENT LOVE LETTERS ETC AND PROBABLY HAVE A GO AT MAKING IT LOOK AT LEAST PRESENTABLE SO YOU DONT HAVE TO SET FOOT IN HER ROOM. YOU NEVER KNOW, HER FRIEND MIGHT HAVE A BEAUTIFULLY SPOTLESS AND ORGANISED BEDROOM THAT MAY INSPIRE YOUR DAUGHTER. I WOULD GIVE HER THE MONEY THIS ONCE AS IT SEEMS NECESSARY TO GO TOWARDS PIZZAS ETC BUT PROMISE SHE DOESNT GET ANOTHER PENNY UNTIL SHE STARTS LOOKING AFTER HER ROOM SO AS NOT TO MAKE ANY ARRANGEMENTS FOR ANY FUTURE SLEEPOVERS, TRIPS TO CINEMA ETC AS SHE WILL BE SKINT.

Decorhate · 10/02/2011 21:26

Dd's bedroom is the same. She only tidies it when friends are coming over or sometimes I will say I won't drive her somewhere until she tidies up. But on the whole I have decided it's not worth arguing about. She is no trouble in any other way...

herbietea · 10/02/2011 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

luluzulu · 10/02/2011 21:37

MY YOUNGER BROTHERS' BEDROOMS ARE COMPLETE OPPOSITES- ONE INSISTS ON BED MADE EVERYTHING IN ORDER AND TIDY, THE OTHER WOULD HAPPILY LEAVE HIS ROOM LOOKING LIKE A BOMB HAD HIT IT. I ALWAYS MAKE SURE I PRAISE THE TIDY ROOM AND ALWAYS MAKE SURE I MENTION THE PLATES/EMPTY CANS ETC OF THE BOMB SITE. PERSONALLY ITS JUST A MATTER OF THE INDIVIDUAL- SOME PEOPLE HAPPILY GET BY LIVING IN MESS OTHERS FIND IT IRRITATING. MAYBE ITS GOT TO THE POINT WHERE SHE FINDS IT OVERWHELMING TO BEGIN EVEN STARTING IT, OFFER HER HELP, PUT ON SOME MUSIC AND GET STUCK IN TO IT.

Original poster
TequilaMockinBird · 10/02/2011 21:47

Another 4 years? Shock

I know what you're saying about picking battles, ignoring the mess etc but I've tried and I can't for more than a couple of days!

She actually took some milk to bed last night in a champagne flute because there were no blardy clean tumblers left - all dirty in her room!

Also, she always borrows my hairdryer and straighteners (she can't find hers Hmm), then never brings them back. So I'm often having to Wade through her room to find things - it drives me mad!

She's not even motivated by pocket money though. The deal is, if she keeps her room clean, she will get £10 a week. She isn't bothered and would rather not have the money!

I have no doubt that come tomorrow I will more than likely be 'well gay' as well as a whole host of other things probably!

Having said that, she's been in her room about an hour now and there is movement.....I'm not holding my breath though!

OP posts:
luluzulu · 10/02/2011 22:03

AH YOUR STORY IS FUNNY AND SAD AT THE SAME TIME. IF SHE ISNT BOTHERED BY THE MONEY COULD IT BE THAT YOU BUY HER TREATS TO OFTEN SO SHE KNOWS SHE DOESNT REALLY NEED IT? EG; A NICE TOP YOU SEEN FOR HER, SWEETS AFTER SCHOOL EVERY DAY A NICE NEW PENCIL CASE YOU COULDNT RESIST BUYING HER? I KNOW SHE IS ONLY 13 BUT SHE LIVES IN YOUR HOUSE SO ITS YOUR WAY OR NOTHING ALTHOUGH YOU HAVE PROBABLY TRIED TO TELL HER THIS.MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE WAS I COULD BE MESSY BUT IF I WANTED FRIENDS ROUND ETC I EVEN USED TO CLEAN HALLWAY, KITCHEN SO IT LOOKED PRESENTABLE AND I USED TO GET 5POUNDS A WEEK NOTHING EXTRA.

kalo12 · 10/02/2011 22:08

tell her that calling someone gay is so 'Late'

what she really should say is 'you're so late'

colette · 10/02/2011 22:15

TequilaMockinBird
Sorry had to laugh about the champagne flute my dd 12 is just the same Shock I find it impossible to walk over rubbish to put clean clothes away without getting really fed up.

I think you should stick to what you have said if she's 13 or 3 she has not done what she was asked , hope the activity means she is doing something.

ledkr · 10/02/2011 22:16

having "done" 3 teenagers so far i would agree stick to your guns.Remind her calmly again when she gets in from school that she needs to do it before she gets the sleepover money then grit your teeth and let her go off without it.Mine always had to do stuff for money.Apparently they feel secure if you give them boundaries.You simply cannot give in as you will pay for it for yrs to come.

And today i am not gay i am "so stiff"

ledkr · 10/02/2011 22:17

the champagne flute is very funny yes.

ravenAK · 10/02/2011 22:27

First, I'd stick to your guns re: no money - the deal was she tidied. OK, if she'd made an effort but it wasn't to your standard, maybe relent - but she outright refused.

& if you are bothered about the room (& I can see the 'close the door on it' approach, definitely!), then I think you should give her a do-able, but imminent deadline (say Sunday, after lunch). If her room isn't tidy by then...you're going in! Marigolds, binbags...

& again, if an 'honest effort' has been made, then I'd praise/reward her & stand down the tidying-up 'SWAT team' approach.

cyrilsneer · 10/02/2011 23:08

Definitely stick to your guns.

Thirteen is just the start of it, I'm afraid.

Sorry if that's depressing...

candleshoe · 10/02/2011 23:14

Stick to your guns this time BUT I would give up on the room thing....it isn't worth fighting over for the next 8 years! My room was a disgrace from 12-20 but I am now an uber-tidy, clean, responsible teacher! Fight the more important battles when they come - boys, smoking, drink etc.....

mumeeee · 10/02/2011 23:28

I agre with other posters pick your battles, It's normal for a tenager to have a messy room. You do need to stick to your guns this tjme but from now on just ignore her bedroom.