Are all 13 year olds like this? I'm struggling [sad]

[TequilaMockinBird]

DD is 13. She is the most awkward person I've ever come across! If I say I like something, she doesn't like it. If I said I didnt like it, she would etc! Her bedroom is always a tip. Clothes strewn everywhere, rubbish on the floor, numerous glasses and plates littered across windowsill etc. Infact you cant even see the carpet, or the bed at some times!

Tonight she 'hates me' and I'm 'gay' (I'm not actually gay but this is apparently the new word). I really don't know how much more I can take from her! It's a constant battle and it feels like I'm always losing.

Basically, theres a sleepover at a friends house tomorrow night for friends birthday. Last weekend, DD asked me if she could have some money to go into town on Tuesday night and buy a present to take to the sleepover. I agreed but said that she had to tidy her bedroom up first. She refused.

So Tuesday morning came and she asked if she could have the money for town that night. I said no because the room wasnt done. After slamming all the doors and muttering under her breath, she went to school.

Fast forward to tonight. The sleepover is tomorrow and she needs to take some money as they will be ordering pizza's and a dvd. Fine I said - as long as your bedroom is tidied.

Once again, she has refused. Says she wants to go and live with her dad because he's 'nice' and how she hates me etc.

I am so and . I know she doesnt really want to go live with the twunt her Dad and she's only saying that but why, why, why wont she just tidy the blardy room? It's not like I'm asking her to do much, that's all she has to do and she can therefore have her pocket money and go to sleepovers.

Thanks for listening, I really just needed to rant!

HI TEQUILAMOCKINGBIRD
IT'S TUFF - GOTTA 17 YO DD AND THE BATTLE FOR A TIDY ROOM IS RELENTLESS AND IT TAKES AWAY FROM THE GOOD THINGS YOU CAN BE DOING TOGETHER . SHUT HER DOOR AND HAVE A FEW RULES TO STRIP BEDDING AT LEAST TWICE A MONTH -- AND INSIST IN ORDER FOR YOU TO HOOVER YOU NEED TO SEE THE CARPET!!! EVEN IF SHE HAS TO PICK UP EVERYTHING AND PUT IT ON HER BED !! POSSIBLY YOU BOTH NEED TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE GO TO THE MOVIES AND ENJOY A MEAL AND A GOOD CHAT. FIND OUT WHAT 'GAY' MEANS !!!????

Love the milk in a champagne flute

I let my 13yr old read the OP (not teh replies!) because it was all sooooo familiar.

DD 14 is exactly like this. Her room is a complete tip, she can't find anything and is always 'borrowing' my stuff. She drives me round the bend. Nothing I say or do has any effect whatsoever.
The teachers at school say that year 9 girls are the most difficult and this is the worst age. Hope they are right.

You have to ignore the small stuff (and tidy room IS small stuff) if you want to get through the teenage years with a teenager who confides in you and can go to you when the shit hits the fan.

Teenagers will just think that rules like this make you mean and not on their side - and they must see that you are on their side, above all else. Lay down the law for good reasons, such as their safety, and underneath they will respect you and be silently grateful. Lay down the law over tidy rooms/ the clothes they wear/ what they are eating/ late bedtimes, and you will have them permanently at war with you.

My girls are 15 and 11 and their bedrooms are a tip. Particularly my 11 year old's - you can't see the floor. But there are and will be more important issues to cross swords over her with.

You wouldn't like it if someone was continually assessing your space for tidiness and not allowing you to have any fun unless it met their approval. It's time to treat her more as an adult. Close the door.

I find that the "lets do it together approach" works well with my dd - lets face it cleaning up a room on your own isn't much fun - so if you both do it together then beleive it or not it can be sort of quality time together ! - finding lost bracelets etc can be quite rewarsing - we usually do it together when it gets just too un-managable and happily spend an hour or so together just chatting and getting stuff cleared. give it a try!

I once walked through my daughter's room (to collect something of mine)and smashed a glass as I walked over her clothes. I discovered that the mess has layers to it, with clothes (clean, dirty, borrowed, etc. etc.) just being the top layer! The glass was hiding underneath.

How about 'charging' your daughter when you clean her room. You clean the room, you get the tenner!

I made a decision based on feedback after I posted about my wayward DS. I have struck up a deal with him that I will not nag him about his room anymore if he keeps his promise to help me with chores around the rest of the house.

He has tried that 'if I do it shit will she give up and do it herself' technique today but I just made him do it again and pointed out what he needed to be doing so that hasn't worked.

I am treating him (in this respect only!) as a potential partner who I expect to do his fair share.

I also told him that if I see him wandering around with his trousers below his bum so that I can see his boxers, I will take a lighter to each and every pair and scorch them so that it looks like he has shit himself and blown a hole in his pants. I could hear him chuckling about 10 mins after that comment so perhaps it has sunk in.

I detest that underpants look sooooooooo much!

stick to your guns and try to get her dad on board if possible. Why should she get money off you when she won't cooperate? My daughter is 13, and her room is a health hazard too. I split from her dad yrs ago, but try to nag him to back me up as much as possible. it sticks in the throat that you should have to ask but...

"I also told him that if I see him wandering around with his trousers below his bum so that I can see his boxers, I will take a lighter to each and every pair and scorch them so that it looks like he has shit himself and blown a hole in his pants. I could hear him chuckling about 10 mins after that comment so perhaps it has sunk in."

PMSL!!!!!

One thing I do like about teenagers is they have a great sense of humour - I find stuff like this works so much better than nagging!

I agree with Sane - do it together. I am not naturally tidy myself so can sympathise with op's dd (a bit). Put on some music and have a chat. Even a 15 minute blitz now and then is better than nothing.

But I do agree you should stick to your guns for now, op.

15 minute blitz sounds to me the way to go. Or even less. I find quick bursts are easier to face than a general tidy your room.

So - you clear all the towels out of your room and bring down the glasses and I'll give you the first £2 for example.

I'm not saying she should get paid £2 for tidying, but if that is the deal you have made, make it seem acheivable.

I'm back! Sorry, had a hectic weekend so this is the first chance I've had to come back!

Well, her room was tidied (in a fashion!) by the time the party came around and so, as promised, I gave her some money and off she went . However I am still not flavour of the month for 'being horrible' and 'making her do housework'

But, after reading all of your posts I have decided to make more of an effort to close the door and ignore the mess. If this is only a small battle and there are larger ones to come though, I'm really not looking forward to those!

I will save my energy incase the drinking/smoking/boys issues arise (although at the minute she isnt really bothered about any of those!).

I am quite pleased I posted this OP now because I was starting to think it was only me who had a DD like this! I was quite young when I had her (17) and so all of my friends only have lovely little children who go to bed at 7pm and do as they are told without calling people 'gay'

Another one here who agrees with Sane- do it together. Much more fun and less confrontational. Or ignore it.

There is a book "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" which I read ages ago. It said the same sort of things as the previous posters; don't fight over things that don't matter, keep talking to teens, keep listening to teens. I need to read it again though as I have forgotten the other advice.

This might sound a bit weedy but - with DD 11 and DS 13 I moan for a few weeks days, then I go into the bedroom when they are in it and sit on the bed, chat for a minute and then say - "This room is a complete tip, if you want I'll give you a hand. Then I pick up a few things and say..."Right, rubbish in the bin, dirty clothes in the laundry basket, then I pick up a couple more things, say "look more rubbish/clothes/cups there". It seems to work, I do have to be in the room but do very little actual cleaning up. I have even ended up by saying "Hooray, the floors clear! Here's the hoover" and believe it or not they leap into action. The room gets cleaned, mostly by them, one day they might just do it without me.

I may be a bit late here...My daughter's room used to be a tip (perhaps not as bad as described here though!). It seems really hard for teenagers to get going when it comes to tidying up. I occasionally tidy my daughter's room with her. We make a day of it during school holidays...de-junking old toys, getting rid of clothes etc...Then when it's tidy, she manages to keep it respectable as she can see what it can be like and she's proud if it....Just an idea.

i wouldnt cause an argument about the room if she wants to live in a pig sty of a bedroom then let her and shut the door and like candleshoe says fight the more important battles when they come

I know how you feel. I have 2 DDs; one very determined personality and one more laidback and sensitive. The determined one was a total nightmare aged 11-14. She is almost 15 now and has really improved. Her behaviour at other people's houses and school is fantastic, she is predicted top grades and does extra work etc., but she seems to vent out at home where she presumably feels safer. It is very common in teenagers and she will grow out of it and your good parenting will work in her deep down. Trust me, I was a nightmare teen and really grew out of it and people then couldn't believe it if they heard I was a rebellious teen!

Put it all in a bin liner in the garden! Or in broom cupboard or something! Then she will have to sort it if not the bin!

when i was 13 i was just like your daughter one day ma mum sat me down and told me your right this is your space i wont nag you to tidy it anymore or for you to take your washing to wash basket (in bathroom) i was so glad i had won that battel however when i eventualy ran out of clean clothes i lernt how great my mum is told her im sorry and tidied my room and from then on always have put my dirty washing streight into bathroom ..... most of time anyway

Well done for sticking to your guns on this matter- it is much harder to be consistant than to just give in, because you dont want to upset her. However dont expect your dd to appreiciate you for it- its just your job as a good parent.
To reach a slight compromise, perhaps you could ask for glasses to be returned to the kitchen and your property to be used only in your room.

Do try not to lose your cool with her though (easier said than done!) but just act like a broken record. If she knows you are going to ask if she has returned the glasses every evening ( but said in a calm voice) she will huff and puff but at least you should find she will replenish your cups!
oh just in case you feel i may not understand Im the parent of two teens!