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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

I am now a scary mum to my 15 yr old son!

30 replies

waffleanddaub · 06/02/2011 23:26

All weekend I have been encouraging my 15 yr old son to tidy up his room. It is truly disgusting! All weekend (in between me giving him money to go to the cinema with his friends etc ) he has been telling me he only has to finish off with a hoover etc. I went into speak to him and he clearly has done absolutely nothing at all. I am completely infuriated. Not only is he ignoring me, he is also lying. I shouted "you are a liar" and stormed out of his room. He then barricaded his door and started crying that he was "terrified" of me! This is utterly ridiculous, I treat him probably with more respect and tolerance than he deserves at times and I am not, I promise, a scary person in any way, have never hit my children or been aggressive towards them. If anything his dad gets more angry than I do. I am really upset now. I tried to talk to him and he's claiming that "everything is shit" ( he looked quite relaxed and happy on his laptop when I stupidly went into his room ) and that I think he's "shit and rubbish". Obviously I don't and I love him dearly. I am really really hurt by all this and wonder where I went wrong. There is no evidence, in case you wonder, that he is depressed either.

OP posts:

scurryfunge · 06/02/2011 23:30

He is taking the piss out of you.
Give him explicit instructions about how you want his room tidied and give him a time limit.

If he doesn't comply, throw anything out of place away. He will realise you are serious and you are not there to be his maid.

(have 16 year old with similar attitude).

makemineapinot · 06/02/2011 23:32

oh - laptop away until he tidies!!! I remember my mum taking my record player away to the tune of 'this is not a hotel... everyone has to do their bit... if you want to live like that get a job and your own house....my house, my rules you are old enough now....' it worked!! For what it's worth I had a fantastic childhood with brilliant parents and I totally feel her pain now when dd's room is a shithole. he should not be on his laptop when he has been asked/told to tidy his room. I now have a tv/electronic gadget ban if my dc (younger than yours - 9 and 7) don't pull their weight. Don't beat yourself up about it - he is being a normal teenager. Oh and don't 'give' him money - make him earn it from now on. MY dc have to earn their pocket moeny by tidying their rooms and can make it up to more if they do extra jobs, like matching socks from the laundry, hoovering etc. From age 5 or 6 but I am a single mum and reached he end of my tether a long time ago!!

makemineapinot · 06/02/2011 23:33

Oh I've done the black bin bag trick too - give a warning, then go in with said bin bag and chuck all the crap in it. It works!

Original poster

waffleanddaub · 06/02/2011 23:52

Thanks both. I do think he probably is taking the piss but it's all so dramatic! When he says I'm ruining his life I do worry what this might lead to and I really really want to be the kind of parent he can turn to if he's upset or worried. I'm scared he'll go off the rails, he is so stubborn. I have just gone into to try and talk to him again and he started banging his head on the end of the bed! I can't imagine what he'd do if I took the laptop away ( self harm is my worst nightmare ). I suspect that I have to try and be less upset myself before being so firm and I'm crap at that.

Any ideas what I could do about plates and cups everywhere ? One plate had sauce on and this was down the side of the bed with the contents splattered over the wall! I think that was our dinner from three nights ago!

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Valpollicella · 06/02/2011 23:56

Threaten that if he doesn't keep his room clean, you'll take the door off.

My mum did this to my brother and it was very effective

Original poster

waffleanddaub · 07/02/2011 00:00

Ah Valpollicella what an idea! the only thing is, I couldn't then ignore the mess ( this has been a partially effective solution to keep my blood pressure down ). Did your brother get his door back later?

OP posts:

Valpollicella · 07/02/2011 00:03

Yep, he did. BIt took him about 10 days, but as soon as he realised he had NO privacy, he soon cottoned on that basic house rules had to be maintained (ie, washing in the basket; no penicillin labs under the bed etc) he got himself together and stopped being so

BecauseImWorthIt · 07/02/2011 00:05

Stand in the doorway, holding the door open. Tell him that everything that needs to be washed (clothes) has to be put into the washing bin now.

And all dirty crockery has to be taken downstairs and washed now.

And just stand there. He will get the message.

Please remember that you are in charge, you are the adult and it is your house/your rules.

You don't 'encourage' him to tidy his room - you tell him to. And if he doesn't do it, then you find some way to make him. This could be simply by just standing there. It could be by removing his laptop/computer/TV - whatever makes it most painful for him.

But he should be left under no illusions that you are in charge!

BecauseImWorthIt · 07/02/2011 00:05

Oh, and so what if you are a scary mum?

Original poster

waffleanddaub · 07/02/2011 00:24

Well, you don't want to confide in a scary mum do you? I think a lot of his anger etc is due to exam stress. His older sister did really well in her A levels and has offers from several universities. I think he is actually sharper than she is but won't work. He said that I was comparing him to her but I've never done this overtly and often told him I think he is more intelligent but this doesn't seem to help. I fear he will throw away his chances and that I have to tread carefully as he is the type of person who will just rebel and say "why bother"?

It's all so difficult!

OP posts:

Original poster

waffleanddaub · 07/02/2011 00:27

I will certainly try standing in the doorway, holding the door open or not, depending on whether we've taken it off

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TheVisitor · 07/02/2011 00:30

I'm a scary mum! DS1 is 18, but he knows what I expect from him and also that I WILL follow through what I say. We also have a fantastic relationship and he's not embarrassed if he sees me in the pub and he's with is mates. It's about respect. He respects me and the house, and he gets respect and trust in return. Works for me. :) As for his room, as long as he's not growing a penicillin factory, leave him to it. If his clothes aren't in the washing, then they don't get washed. It won't be long before he starts realising that actually washing is better than just spraying Lynx.

Original poster

waffleanddaub · 07/02/2011 00:34

It would be nice if the spray of Lynx phase was over, TheVisitor. It's nice to hear that you still have a great relationship. Did your DS ever barricade his door sobbing that you were scary though?

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TheVisitor · 07/02/2011 00:40

He tried the whole drama stuff, but I ignored it and just carried on as normal. When he was depressively hormonal, I put him on cod liver oil and evening primrose oil on a fairly high dosage, and that really, really helped. Don't give in to emotional blackmail, which is what the drama is. Make sure you have the silly, daft times still, they make a difference. Over the next 2-3 years, you'll notice such a difference in him.

I have 2 nearly 12 year old boys who are now Lynx Africa addicts. My upstairs will soon smell of minging adolescents again. Deep joy.

Original poster

waffleanddaub · 07/02/2011 00:46

Joy indeed! Twice the pleasure eh? Interesting about the oils. Actually I do wonder if my own hormonal ( ie menopausal ) state doesn't help any. Great timing!

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mummyflood · 07/02/2011 09:04

Ever heard the phrase 'boys are like dogs'? We have 2 teen DS's and a golden retriever - every day they seem similar in more and more ways. Smelly, stubborn, defiant, will co-operate when there is something in it for them...the dog has a range of dramatic faces when he has been told off, just like the kids, so when we want them to do something such as sorting out their rooms etc, we take the same approach as with the dog - advice given to us for working breeds..."you don't ask them, you TELL them" and stand over them till its done - see BecauseI'mWorthIt's post - I could have written that!

Thankfully the dog doesn't use Lynx, but he has a distinctive odour all of his own which mingles with the Lynx Fever wafting down the stairs.

BecauseImWorthIt · 07/02/2011 11:32

SecondhandRose · 07/02/2011 11:41

I feel your pain, it's normal. My ds is 16 in March. Would love to live in a tip but I just keep tidying up to keep myself sane. Found a cereal bowl in a drawer yesterday.

inthesticks · 07/02/2011 15:40

Scary here too.I also believe in the boys are like dogs theory. I am also a sergeant major like becauseimworthit.
I would add that no food or drink is allowed in bedrooms. It's a bit cliched but I really believe that sitting round the table together encourages calm discussion and debate.
I haven't had the sobbing behind the door but DS2 did carve "I hate mum" into his wooden bedhead when he was 7. To his utmost shame it remains there to this day as reminder.

MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay · 07/02/2011 18:50

Oh do grow a pair !! You wonder where you went wrong because he's throwing a drama queen stop about being told to tidy up.. FFS

If you are that soft and he is obviously bright enough to play you like a violin, heaven help you in a year or so .. if you aren't waving a baseball bat at him then you are not scary.. and quite obviously if you are upset because he's saying that he KNOWS you aren't scary either.

Get in there, take his laptop away and made him clean up. Oh and don't 'tread carefully ' because you might damage his self esteem. It's his choice to work hard or school at not. Siblings are different and achieve differently but it won't matter one jot if he's brighter if he doesn't work.. him saying you are comparing him (therefore by inference he can't possibly compete..therefore if he fails it;'s not his fault..)is his perfect get out clause.

Trust me I know.. I have a nearly 18 yr old son sandwiched between two sisters a year either side of him.. he is bone idle and got ok but mediocre GCSEs while moaning that it wasn't fair that his sisters got all A*s etc... actually it was fair because they both worked very hard. He thinks its unfair that his elder sister will one day earn good money as a doctor..again..well she worked hard to get to med school.... We love them all but we don't make excuses for their own choices.. .

My son also has stig of the dump tendencies..and yes the laptop disappears when jobs need doing.
However we have found that having a girlfriend has helped the disgusting factor reduce...:D

Original poster

waffleanddaub · 07/02/2011 18:54

Oh it's so reassuring to hear that this kind of drama is quite common.? @ SecondhandRose re: the cereal bowl.
I also believe in the eating at the table, honestly! Clearly I need to practice some sergeant major tactics and ignore the hysterics. Maybe I should enrol him in a drama class and dog obedience classes.

OP posts:

usualsuspect · 07/02/2011 18:55

Don't stress about untidy rooms ..pick your battles, and as for taking the door off.. thats not on imo

Original poster

waffleanddaub · 07/02/2011 18:59

Hi Medusa! I shall go off and attempt to grow a pair, forthwith!
Your family sound quite like mine, actually. Laptop here I come!

OP posts:

SecondhandRose · 07/02/2011 19:02

Ha Ha - he is 6ft 2" and wanders round the house far after I have gone to bed. We always eat around the the dinner table, unfortunately while he is still growing he is permanently hungry and will help himself and no he isn't allowed to take food upstairs!

SecondhandRose · 07/02/2011 19:04

We have just introduced a new pocket money method. He now gets £5 a week going directly to his account on a Friday. If his room is not being kept in a decent state I can cancel the payment on a Thursday and he knows this.

Yesterday we put up two new wardrobes in his room and we completely emptied his room out and it has all been put back beautifully so woe betide him if he mucks it up!

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