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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

In what circumstances would you be OK with your daughter having sex (opinion poll)

47 replies

cyrilsneer · 03/02/2011 09:03

Following on from a conversation I've recently had with another Mum and purely out of interest...

In what circumstances WOULD YOU BE OK with your daughter having sex?

For example:

not until she's married!
As long as she's 16 and using protection, it's none of my business
I'd have been thrilled if she'd made it to sixteen!
If she was 16 or over and had been in a steady relationship with the boy for three months
If she was 17 and had been in a steady relationship with the boy for a year
If she was engaged

etc

They'll all lose their virginity at some point - we all did, didn't we? - hopefully at a time in in a set of circumstances that is right for them.

Clearly there is no "right" or "wrong" here (and let's face it, most teenagers do what they're going to do anyway but it's interesting to ask the generic question of what we, as Mums, consider an acceptable set of circumstances to us.

I wonder whether the answers will be within a fairly narrow range or if they will be quite varied?...

OP posts:

Original poster

cyrilsneer · 03/02/2011 09:06

I'll go first then:

I THINK that I MIGHT possibly be ok if she was 17 and had been in a steady relationship for 6 months.

OP posts:

PuppyMonkey · 03/02/2011 09:07

Of all the options, I agree with you Cyril.

brimfull · 03/02/2011 09:07

well I was ok with dd at 17 with steady bf ,she asked me about going on the pill

maryz · 03/02/2011 09:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 03/02/2011 09:53

Not until she is ready to have children, and even then she's only allowed to do it once.
Seriously, once she is in a stable, respecting relationship and is sensible enough to take precautions and use a condom.
Hopefully this won't register on my radar for another 7 or eight years, she isn't yet 10.

C0FFEE · 03/02/2011 12:07

Oh God I was thinking of posting a question like that but I would probably get six replies all of them asking if I am stupid :(

It is a really hard question for me as I was never an angel.

Do you want my logical answer it is when she is ready, whether that is 20 or below 16, age is not an issue

My heart says I want her to be a nun :)

alexsdad · 03/02/2011 12:24

As I dad, I'm thinking that Maryz is expressing a somewhat liberal attitude in her opening statement.

Other than that though, yeah - 17 would probably be about right I would think. Assuming that boyfrield #1 will not be a lifelong partner, I'd also be happier if any break-up happen whilst she was still living at home rather than on her won.

FreudianSlippery · 03/02/2011 12:28

It depends how mature she is mainly. The main thing I do know is that I will NOT be telling her is that she must be 'in love'. That IMHO can be a damaging assumption.

Basically I loathe the idea that she will be taken advantage of, in the sense that some boy will say he's in love with her just for sex, and she could get besotted and then very hurt (could just as easily happen the other way round - my stepson is very emotional and is always 'in love').

I would much rather tell her that she should be with someone who really cares about her, and that she feels safe ready to take the next step, rather than putting too much emphasis on the word 'love' - many teenagers don't really know what that truly means.

Hullygully · 03/02/2011 12:32

Whenever she is mature enough and in love enough.

sillyoldboot · 03/02/2011 14:19

My nineteen year old son has had a sixteen year old girlfriend for the last 8 months or so, her mother says she is very mature and she is on the pill. She seems to us a very young person - sweet and reasonably sensible but still a child. He is completely besotted.

It is very difficult to be sure how to handle it, they sleep together when in our house. A good friend has banned her kids from sleeping together until they are 21 in hers, which makes me wonder if we are too lax, but I am grateful that our son is open and unashamed with us about his feelings. We both, without our parents knowledge, were experimenting with sex by 16 and probably taking more risks. If she were my daughter I would be very concerned, we do what we can to maintain a dialogue and support them, but are not looking forward to being grandparents just yet.

AvaBanana · 03/02/2011 14:22

Whenever she feels ready. I would hope it was with a boy she was in a steady relationship with and who treated her respectfully, and I would certainly want her to be mature enough to have discussed and sorted contraception.

Dumbledoresgirl · 03/02/2011 14:23

I spoke in general terms to my dd about this the other day. As she is only 10, I do emphasize, they were extremely general terms. She thought it would be only right when she is married but I thought it might be more realistic if she didn't hold out that long. My criteria would be if she was in what was a reasonably deep and meaningful relationship, in so far as any teenage relationship can be those things. I am imagining now that that would not occur until she was perhaps 17 or 18.

DH wants her to wait until marriage too! but agreed with me it would most likely be when she was at university.

AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 03/02/2011 14:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Needanewname · 03/02/2011 14:31

Not had chance to read the whole thread but def not until they're 30!!! And no I'm not joking

Ormirian · 03/02/2011 14:33

When she's ready and sensible enough to be doing it for the right reasons.

TwinMummy30 · 03/02/2011 14:34

not until she's married! does it make me a bad mum? hope not

Original poster

cyrilsneer · 03/02/2011 14:42

Lots of really interesting points being raised:

Actual age
Length of time in relationship
Level of commitment/ stability in relationship
Is she in love?
Is she mature enough?
Contraception
Protection against STDs

OP posts:

maryz · 03/02/2011 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

musicposy · 03/02/2011 18:19

Once she's 16 (legal age), is using condoms and is really really desperate to do it.

She's 15 now and that's the one thing I am trying to hit home to her. First time I was pressurised into it by a boy - I was 18 and had been going out with him about 6 months, but it was still an awful experience because I didn't really want to do it. On the other hand I had a boyfriend at 15/16 who I adored and really wish I'd done it with, but he was too gentlemanly to try it on!

I don't think age comes into it (once you are legally old enough). I think so many other factors are more important.

musicposy · 03/02/2011 18:22

Maryz, strength of the relationship, I agree wholeheartedly with your post. I would worry about her being desperate to keep someone too. Of course, very hard for someone else to judge strength of the relationship but I hope she will know, deep inside, and make better judgements than I did - which doesn't necessarily mean being older.

C0FFEE · 03/02/2011 18:59

I also agree FreudianSlippery an maryz also, love and strength of relationship is not really that important.

As long as it is something she wants and not because it is something she is pressured into.

Tortington · 03/02/2011 19:08

and WHY is this question limited to girls?

are girls supposed to have more virtue or something?

sorry for pissing on your parade, but i have boy/girl twins now 17 and treat them both the same with regards to sex.

i think sex is a wonderful thng, enjoyable and i think they should relish and enjoy it.

i certainly never wanted my daughter to save her fanny for that 'special' person

what

the

fuck

...

seriously what fucking century is this?

have a shag, do it safely, have fun

MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay · 03/02/2011 19:19

I have recently had to face this... 3 times over!
DD1 is 19.. went on the pill at 18 when she had a steady boyfriend... asked me if it was ok.

DS 1 is 18 .. and had his first sexual experience at 15.. totally in love.. now with 2nd girlfriend.. been together 6 months and I have somewhat reluctantly accepted that if they ARE having sex, then it's daft to pretend they are not. I am friends with GF's Mum and we made sure they knew they had to use condoms and she is now on the pill...

DD2 is 17 very soon.. and has her first 'proper' boyfriend. She too asked me if she could go on the pill because she wanted to have sex. I said yes. She had one miserable 'first time' experience at 16 which made her feel miserable and we have talked a lot about self respect etc etc and I am very happy that she feels able to discuss sex with me and take advice.

Of course I would love them all to be virgins til they were 20... but I wasn't..and I never wanted sex to be a 'shameful' thing.. it's not and as long as done for the right reasons (they WANT to) and with full protection.. then I am happy for them to enjoy it! I honestly think that the VAST majority of teens will have sex before they are 20 and I'd rather support them into having the self confidence to care for themselves and respect themselves than have it a hidden shameful thing.

veryberry21 · 03/02/2011 19:24

custardo
around sixteen, :)

Tortington · 03/02/2011 19:25

16 what?

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