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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

In what circumstances would you be OK with your daughter having sex (opinion poll)

47 replies

cyrilsneer · 03/02/2011 09:03

Following on from a conversation I've recently had with another Mum and purely out of interest...

In what circumstances WOULD YOU BE OK with your daughter having sex?

For example:

not until she's married!
As long as she's 16 and using protection, it's none of my business
I'd have been thrilled if she'd made it to sixteen!
If she was 16 or over and had been in a steady relationship with the boy for three months
If she was 17 and had been in a steady relationship with the boy for a year
If she was engaged

etc

They'll all lose their virginity at some point - we all did, didn't we? - hopefully at a time in in a set of circumstances that is right for them.

Clearly there is no "right" or "wrong" here (and let's face it, most teenagers do what they're going to do anyway but it's interesting to ask the generic question of what we, as Mums, consider an acceptable set of circumstances to us.

I wonder whether the answers will be within a fairly narrow range or if they will be quite varied?...

OP posts:

MarsLady · 03/02/2011 19:27

La la la la laaaaaaaa La lalala la laaaaaaaaaaa

Never! Nope! Not at all! La la lalala lalaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

KangarooCaught · 03/02/2011 19:44

Me: when she's left school - 18. Nunnery until then.

Dh: Not until the male in question (although making a few assumptions there) has met dh's steely gaze.

tessofthedurbeville · 03/02/2011 21:46

Would prefer them to be in a stable relationship and definitely over 16 - with a daughter of over 18 who has not yet had a relationship part of me hopes she has one soon and gets it over and done with - so she can just live!! But it is not up to me...... and what about my son - I too hope he will be over 16 and in a stable relationship because funnily enough I have concerns for him as well!

lostinthestix · 04/02/2011 09:58

Whenever she\he is ready but above legal age limit - in particular for boys - am aware of cases of girl's parents freaking out and threatening legal action etc. My DD is 16 and hasn't found special boy (yet). I agree with musicposy I would rather DD really really wanted to rather than pressured into it .. lots of her contemporaries have commenced their sexual activities pleasuring boys! thankfully my DD considers this a bit one sided as and is looking for a more equitable encounter.

Self esteem is the big issue here IMO. Have also discussed the whole matter with DS who is almost 14 and had frank chat about porn and expectations - another big problem...teenage girls don't generally look like porn stars!....they all need to be taught to respect themselves and others.

A lot of parents put their heads in the sand and pretend that nature isn't going to take it's course - big mistake, and I certainly don't want either of my children round the back of a "bike-shed" etc etc for their first time. That's for when one is middle-aged and looking for a bit of spice

Japers · 04/02/2011 10:04

After she's 16, with at least one condom and with someone who will be gentle and generous with her.

GetOrfMoiLand · 04/02/2011 10:28

DD has told me that she doesn't want to have sex yet and wants to wait until she is 16.

She is 15 at the moment - has a boyfriend but they hardly see each other (go to different schools)

As long as she is happy, enjoys it and DOESN'T GET FUCKING PREGNANT I am happy with it, and concur with Custardo.

She has the contracpetive implant (had it inserted Thursday, after 4 pills which gave differing side effects, she has incredibly heavy periods so she has the implant to help with that rather than for contraceptive purposes). I alwasy say to dd that if she wants to have sex she is NOT to just rely on the fact she is on contraception - it is NOT 100% effective, plus the risks of STIs.

She is a sensibly girl anyway and we talk openly about things.

Needanewname · 04/02/2011 10:36

I think I would rather my girls waited until they were in a relationship that meant something to them.

I was 18 and really loved and trusted the guy, there were a few boyfriends before him but I didn;t feel the same way about them, I was infactuated with them but it didn't feel right.

I would hope my girls would do the same and would prefer they waited til they were 16.

Wonder what people think about their sons

mumeeee · 04/02/2011 10:58

I would rather she waited until she was married, But if she was over 18 and was in a steady relationship it would be up to her,

FellatioNelson · 04/02/2011 11:21

Don't have daughters but my stance would be no different to how it is with my sons.

I would prefer them to be over 16 but I am not naive enough to believe that this is necessarily normal, or a realistic assumption. I would rather be a liberal mother with children who feel they can be honest with me, than a puritanical preachy mother who has the wool pulled over her eyes over everything.
I would HOPE that he/she was in a reasonably long-term, committed and mutually respectful relationship, and I would be keeping a very close eye on the birth control issue. (much harder to have any real influence over this when you have boys)
Once he/she was over 16 I would not consider it my business to dictate what she could or couldn't do as far as sex goes, but I would want to keep the dialogue going, so I could make sure he/she (and particularly SHE in this case) wasn't using sex with random partners as a way of dealing with self-esteem issues. So long as he/she had a healthy balanced attitude to sex, and to relationships in general, I would try to keep out of it.

What worries me, is that the first experience is often with a genuine first love, in a longish relationship, but once that breaks down, and they have become used to having sex in their lives, there is always the temptation to jump into bed with subsequent boyfriends/girlfriends far too quickly, and sex can become devalued and purely recreational. OK for an adult who know their own mind perhaps, but I'm not sure many teenagers are necessarily equipped to deal with that, mentally.

Original poster

cyrilsneer · 04/02/2011 13:03

So many thoughtful points here...

Regarding sons - I've only got daughters but I feel sure that I would feel exactly the same about a son.

OP posts:

Laquitar · 04/02/2011 13:15

Mine are still young so my opinion might change in few years time but at the moment i agree with OP, 17 sounds ok.

What worries me more is who with. I really hope that they will have better taste in men than i had when i was young.

Alouiseg · 05/02/2011 16:36

What Fellatio said. To a Tee.

TrillianAstra · 05/02/2011 16:38

Haven't read other people's opinions deliberately.

Aged 16+
Using protection
If she wants to
With someone who she is comfortable enough with to have actually discussed protection etc
Not in my earshot!

bronze · 05/02/2011 16:42

Someone touched on it earlier but amongst other factors when she's old enough to cope if an 'accident' happened and she ended up pregnant. I would of course want her to use every single form of contraception all at once but I know from experience they're no infalliable.

penelopestitsdropped · 05/02/2011 16:42

My daughter is far too young for it to even become an issue.

I cannot tell you the circumstances that i would consider ok tbh. Until i am fdaced with it i can't possibly know.

I would hope that irrispective of age she is in a respectful and loving relationship. that she feels ready and is happy with her decision. I hope that she takes the steps wisely and with safety in her mind.

I would also hope to have a good enough relationship with her that she lets me know she is thinking of it and that i can respond with trust in her judgments.

or that i just dont' freak out and lock her in the cellar till she;s 46

Alouiseg · 05/02/2011 16:43

In a strange way I'd actually prefer it if she did it at home rather than in a car or some blokes flat.

BitOfFun · 05/02/2011 16:43

What Trillian said. And not with a waster that I disapproved of.

alemci · 05/02/2011 16:49

yes i think i agree with you Fellatio. my DD is in a relationship and is 17. I think she is better off not having sex but it is her decision.

autodidact · 05/02/2011 17:23

Agree with custardo.

WotzNotNot · 05/02/2011 19:39

custardo can you come round and give me a stern talking to to prepare me?

I'd hope not before 16 and was not under pressure to do so and with someone they can trust of a similar age.

Tortington · 06/02/2011 06:14

certainly

ragged · 06/02/2011 06:30

.marking my place

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