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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Teen daughters and bedrooms

50 replies

theOP · 27/01/2011 09:58

At what age should one stop entering a teen daughter's bedroom without invitation?

Is there an age when it is inappropriate for a father to go into his daughter's bedroom at all, or is it just a matter of knocking (in case she is changing)....can one put one's head round the door last thing at night? Go in to tuck them up?

And conversely, how does one get one's teens to respect one's own privacy in the bedroom? Mine barge in any old time to use our en suite because their bathroom is up 8 steps.

I am just wondering what most parents do....

OP posts:

ajandjjmum · 27/01/2011 10:04

DD is 17 - when I know she is getting changed I just ask if I can come in (she's a bit touchy with me!), otherwise I just pop my head around the door ready the retreat if necessary. Can't really get any further because of all the crap on the floor! .

DS - 18 - I normally call out that I'm coming in, and if gf is around, make a big issue of knocking the door! Funnily enough DS is less bother about being caught getting changed that DD.

DH is pretty much the same, although he is conscious of DD's privacy.

Know exactly what you mean about the courtesy not being returned though. DD thinks it's fine to come in while I'm in the shower to ask some critical question.

razors · 27/01/2011 10:06

My mum always knocked before entering - even when making sure I was in bed. My dad rarely came in to my room. I had my own room from about 9 or 10 but had started periods then and began developing etc. You need to get your children to knock before entering your room....I assume you have asked them that? if they keep forgetting get a little lock put on until they get used to it xx

MittzyBittzyTeenyWeeny · 27/01/2011 10:08

Well, In my reverse case as mother of a teenage boy, I have got into the habit of giving a little knock before I go in his room and saying something cheery.

Re my privacy.. I just yell. 'I haven't got any clothes on' (even if I have and just want some P and Q ), because he hates seeing Mum nekky!

Perhaps you should get a Stannah stair lift fitted for the 8 steps.. it is exhausting being a teen you know!

ajandjjmum · 27/01/2011 10:14

To be honest, it doesn't bother me if the kids walk in on me - I just get riled when the normal response is 'yuk' or something similar!

I think you really need to take the lead from them.

Original poster

theOP · 27/01/2011 10:25

Thank you. Yes, I am thinking about taking a lead from them whcih is what prompted me to ask : my 16yo daughter announced this morning that she might start locking her bedroom door (she does have a lock on it) as DH keeps going in and annoying her. He still treats her like she is about 6. He thinks it is funny. Should I tell him not to, or should I tell DD to get a sense of humour, or should I tell her to lock her door when she wants privacy?

OP posts:

darleneconnor · 27/01/2011 10:27

Your DH's behaviour sounds rather odd tbh

saveable · 27/01/2011 10:29

Tell your dp to respect her privacy and yes, allow her to get a lock.

Original poster

theOP · 27/01/2011 10:50

darleneconnor - that's why I wanted to ask on MN what other parents do because DH and I fundamentally disagree on this point.

DD1 already has a lock, although my other DD (14yo) doesn't (or has lost the key).

DP will tell me I am implying/ imputing things that are horrible and stopping him having a normal relaxed time with his children which makes me reluctant. But, on balance, if it's not what other dads do then I will tell him they are of an age where he should respect their privacy and not treat their rooms as part of "his" house. In return, I will tell DD's that they should stop using our bathroom despite the whole 8 steps up to theirs.

OP posts:

saveable · 27/01/2011 10:52

There's nothing stopping him having a 'normal relaxed time' with them. But they are uncomfortable, and tbh I would be too, it isn't appropriate and they have told you their feelings. Please respect them.

BlingLoving · 27/01/2011 10:55

If your teenagers' doors are closed, you knock before entering. Every time. Whether you're mum or dad. And they should do the same for you.

Hopefully, over time, they then learn that if they want privacy, they close the door. Otherwise, it's open for anyone to put their head round.

I can't understand why you wouldn't knock. You don't necessarily have to wait for formal permission to enter, but surely this is common courtesy and as teenagers your children are entitled to this?

Original poster

theOP · 27/01/2011 11:05

Yes, I agree, but how do I convince DH to change his habits in a way that does not come across as if I could ever suspect him of any kind of abuse (I don't), but still have him take it seriously?

I guess I could tell him that I checked on MN and after, say, 14 yo, parents always knock on doors.

Um, after you knock, if they say "don't come in" you then don't, right? You don't just wait a few seconds and barge in regardless. Or do you say "well, I need to come in in the next 10 minutes to get your laundry so make sure you are decent, or else bring the laundry out to me before that."

Whilst I am on the bedroom topic, do you allow BFs in the bedrooms?

Sorry to ask such basic questions. I really do want to know how most people play it as it seems to be a tricky area and I feel a bit lost - my instincts are so different from DH's on this one and I don't want to impose my views blindly as I am so often wrong.

OP posts:

saveable · 27/01/2011 11:08

Are you afraid of him? If he's a good man he will understand. If he's making an issue out of this then tbh he sounds like an absolute wanker. Your dd's (or you) shpouldn't havbe to justify this. It sounds like a mssive control issue for him, which is incredibly unhealthy for everyone involved

pinkbraces · 27/01/2011 11:13

My 16 yr old DD very rarely shuts her door but she has the top floor to herself, if ther door is shut I will always knock and wait.

My DH always shouts up her stairs can I come up :)

As for boyfriends, she has friends of both sexes who are allowed in her room, we havent yet had the dilemma of allowing a "boyfriend" in her room but when we do, as long as we like him, I dont have a problem with it.

I think it should be up to your daughter to decide how and when she wants her Dad in her room.

Original poster

theOP · 27/01/2011 11:15

I am only afraid of upsetting him, not of anything else. Yes, he is very much used to being the one in charge and I think he finds it difficult to accept that his little girls are becoming more autonomous.

OP posts:

saveable · 27/01/2011 11:16

IN this case, your dd's feelings are more important than his autonomy

ajandjjmum · 27/01/2011 11:18

He probably thinks that your DD is still his baby girl - don't all Dads?! I think a quiet word to say that he needs to be aware that she is a young woman, and needs her privacy. And maybe a jokey comment from your DD that lets him know she wants her privacy. We don't have locks on any of our doors.

Boyfriends is a difficult one. DD's boyfriends have been in her room with the door wide open, or in another living room on their own - which I prefer, because we've got glazed doors

DS and his girlfriend do spend time in his room watching tv when they're back from Uni (honest Mum!!!), but she sleeps in another room. Bit hypocritical because I know they are not little innocents, but DH feels more comfortable with this.

Stricnine · 27/01/2011 14:38

We've always knocked on DD's (14 now) door.. since about 10 ish I think - it's common courtesy (although she doens't always hear us over the music playing !!)

DP would not dream of opening the door without an invite - I get a bit more leniency :)

She knocks on our door and gives us the same courtesy mostly - spider attacks are the only main exception!! :)

Fennel · 27/01/2011 14:53

I knock on my dds doors and they are all primary age, and still young enough to have baths with me etc. It's just an acknowledgement that it's their space. I can't see a good reason why not to.

6yo has put a notice up on her door saying "Please nock on dore" - so I do

maryz · 27/01/2011 15:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

keepgoing · 27/01/2011 16:37

If I have read your posts correctly OP, I get the impression that DD1 wants to lock her door because quiet words / requests / explanations to DH have failed: he knows she doesn't like it but persists in coming in because it's 'funny'. A lock, she hopes will stop him.

No OP - it's not right.

bigTillyMint · 27/01/2011 16:43

DD is 11 1/2 and I am trying to remember to knock, especially if I know she is changing.

I'm not sure what DH does, but I don't recall her screaming in horror at anytime!

I too can barely get the door open most days because of all the crap on the floor, but it's tidy today as she has a friend round!

MaureenMLove · 27/01/2011 16:51

Well personally we don't go into DD's (15) bedroom for fear of catching something nasty or being dragged into the black hole that's in there - but that's another story!

Both of us knock though.

walkinZombie · 27/01/2011 18:37

When I got to 9 my dad had to knock to come in, took a while for him to get used to

'shes changing you can' go in' as I was still quite young

How old is your daughter??

mumeeee · 27/01/2011 20:31

We've only got one DD at home now and neither DH or I would think of entering her room without knocking and waiting for an answer. In fact we both have always knocked on opur DD's doors since they were about 13. We have always expected them to knock on our door so we need to respect their privacy.

LollipopViolet · 27/01/2011 20:37

My parents just shout at me til I come out (I'm 21 and still at home as I'm at uni). My main issue, is that when I'm not home, they go in there all the time, move stuff etc, drives me mad, as I'm quite untidy and would like to be left to it. But alas,

"While you're under this roof, that room is NOT yours and we have a say in what state it is acceptable for it to be in".

Which if they got their way would be my bed, computer, TV, wardrobe, and nothing else ie: none of my bits and bobs for uni, no shoes out, no clothes that I wear everyday (coats/hoodies) neatly over my chair.... ad nauseum. But hey, I understand, and I've only got 5 months left at uni, then I am O U T! :)

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