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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

12 year old daughter and 16 year old boyfriend

47 replies

sharon2609 · 23/01/2011 23:45

My 12 year old is challenging at the best of times. This week she said she felt really ill(she's not often ill and doesn't like missing school)so I said she could stay home. I had to go to work but kept in contact by phone. However, mum's instinct kicked in and i left work early. I came home to find her sitting with a 16 year old boy.It transpires that he wants her as his girlfriend. I grounded her but on Saturday she ran out of the house. I sent the police to go and fetch her home. She swears at me and is generally disrespectful. She cant see the prob with having an older boyfriend. I have lost the will to live with herand just cant talk to her as it always ends up in a screaming match. Any advice please?

OP posts:
Tortington · 23/01/2011 23:47

have you got any reatives who can intimidate chat with the boy?

an alternative suggestion. you get the boy and his mother round and you tell them that as soon as any inapproriate touching takes place that you will have him arrested. you will proseecute and he will be considered a child molester and be put on the sexual offenders register. depending on this boy and his intended career this may be a deterrent

Original poster
sharon2609 · 24/01/2011 00:08

I did think about talking to his mum but she's just come out of hospital. He seems a decent enough lad BUT he is 16 and daughter is 12.I have spoken to him and said I dont want him seeing daughter although how I stop them I've no idea.He has said he's aware that he could get into trouble with police etc. I wish I could talk to my daughter but there is so much conflict between us.Her lack of respect for me and constant lies that she tells make things difficult. My sister, friend and police have spoken to her but dont know if anything has sunk in with her.

OP posts:
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 24/01/2011 00:10

i agree with custardo. i think his parents need to know that he is trying to have a relationship with a 12 year old.

Original poster
sharon2609 · 24/01/2011 00:12

Thankyou I will have a chat with his mum.

OP posts:
hobbgoblin · 24/01/2011 00:15

There is always trouble lurking round every corner in life. Some attract it, some seek it, others avoid it fairly succesfully. What is the point of trying to eliminate the 'trouble' when more is yards away? Suely the way to go is to deal with the DD who is allowing herself to be in such a situation?

Would need a lot more info to help with my suggestion. Have you looked at any courses for parenting teens? Children Schools and Famimiles/your council's parenting inforamtion officer or family support worker through extended schools could hep you with this.

Original poster
sharon2609 · 24/01/2011 00:18

I have asked the school for a referral for family counselling and am aware that parenting classes for me wouldn't go amiss. Am on waiting lists for these. Feel like I dont know my daughter as she lies. I have tried to instill self respect in her but she just doesn't get it.

OP posts:
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 24/01/2011 00:26

i would still speak to his parents TBH. i would want to know if my son was befriending 12 year old girls with the intention of having a relationship. he needs to know that is not ok.

hobbgoblin · 24/01/2011 00:26

We all try our best, and are shaped as parents by our own experience of parenting. It's impossible to know how to get it right.

What I would say though is that self respect isn't comething you can entirely 'instil'. We learn in from the relationships we see going on around us. Little things like seeing a mother fret about her appearance can have an impact on self respect.

As for respect for you and the need for honesty, that again is linked to what she experiences and has to involve small freedoms so that she can gain positive outcomes from 'doing the right thing'.

This may be hard to unravel but she is still young so don't give up! Have you read 'How to Talk so Kids Will Listen...'?

hobbgoblin · 24/01/2011 00:30

PS - family therapy is harder to obtain than parenting courses. But you might be lucky.

Can a cAF be done if there is danger of a 16 year old having a relationship with a minor? You could ask about this. Even the police can do a CAF if they have been involved and consider your DD to be at low level risk and with a need for support.

Original poster
sharon2609 · 24/01/2011 00:34

Thankyou for replies. I will have a read of your suggestion. Inability to communicate in a positive way with daughter is def a problem. I try not to lecture but it always ends up that way and she just switches off, which i can understand. She has had a lot of freedom in the past maybe thats a prob that until know I haven't realised that would come back and bite me!

OP posts:
Original poster
sharon2609 · 24/01/2011 00:35

What is a caf ?

OP posts:
threefeethighandrising · 24/01/2011 00:40

Please pursue the family counseling.

My mother and I argued constantly, and I behaved pretty wildly and had unsuitable boyfriends.

We had drifted apart by the time I became a teenager, and we really didn't understand each other. From my perspective I thought she hated me (not unreasonable from my point of view as she told me so in not so many words, most days).

She did suggest we went for counseling and I said yes, but it never happened, I don't know why. I do wish we had, as we didn't start to repair our relationship until I was 23. We have a good relationship now, as adults, but it was a nightmare for my whole teenage years.

Sorry that's more about me than you! I hope it helps anyway.

hobbgoblin · 24/01/2011 00:43

It's the Core Assessment Framework. It is a Standardised Assesment 'form' or process that is strictly adhered to and is designed to bring in as much appropriate multi agency support as possible. It means, that the child, family members, school, other support workers (such as mental health worker or special needs coordinator in school or whoever as appropriate to the individual) all come together to devise a plan of support that is reviewed periodically.

It is designed to have a central focus on helping a child so that a parent or teacehr for example doesn't have to ring 20 different departmenst repeating info to different people to get anywhere. it also stops vulenrable children from slipping through the net (as in victoria climbie, whose death set these things in motion). It is supposed to anyway.

A lot of practitioners are still not as familar with the process as they should be but it is a valuable tool and could be of use to you.

Ask someone in school about doing one. It's pronounced CAFF even though it's an acronym.

Original poster
sharon2609 · 24/01/2011 00:43

At least you have a good outcome so there is light at the end of the tunnel. She doesn't understand that I'm looking out for her best interest. All she can see is that I'm trying to ruin her life!

OP posts:
threefeethighandrising · 24/01/2011 00:45

I used to lie to my mum. All the time. If I told the truth I would get into trouble. My mum was super critical - everything I did was wrong, pretty much.

So, I lied. Much simpler.

FWIW it meant the world to me when I realised that my mum did actually care about me, I genuinely thought I was just an annoyance to her.

Applogies if I'm projecting!

Original poster
sharon2609 · 24/01/2011 00:46

Thankyou Hobbgoblin. I'll mention it to the school. Although their attitude is that they have worse problems to deal with than mine. I'm just trying to stop things before they get really out of hand.

OP posts:
Original poster
sharon2609 · 24/01/2011 00:52

I have never told her off for telling the truth even if I haven't been best pleased with what she's told me. ie when she broke my very expensive and treasured ornament." oh well never mind...lets glue it back together". I always tell her she looks beautiful and praise good school reports (she's doing well at school). She just seems so angry with me, mainly when I tell her "no".

OP posts:
hobbgoblin · 24/01/2011 00:52

sharon, use this to your advantage. One of the other major points of the CAF is that it is a preventative tool and if a child has significant problems then a CAF would not be as appropriate and a direct referral to social services would be made. use this fact to your advantage. Remember, it is a coordinated, strategic and preventative approach to facilitate the best support for children with needs beyond those that the school and family alone can meet.

Original poster
sharon2609 · 24/01/2011 00:59

wow you know your stuff!I will contact school tomorrow. I'm quite scared of social services etc as have not had good experiencewith them and have heard awful reports, even the school have said they are not much good. I just want to do my best for daughter without pushing her away.

OP posts:
WimpleOfTheBallet · 24/01/2011 01:09

The lad could get into serious trouble! Your DDs safety apart...I would personally hesiate to involve social services and would simply kick the lads arse or call the police.

He is SIXTEEN! Of legal age...your child is barely out of puberty.

Even if she is rude and generally difficult...if he lad were 18 or 19 then people would be shouting peadophile at him...why is your DD the one who needs "help"? or asssments? HE needs lookingat for chasing a kid!

Not getting at you OP...just confused at the responses on here.

Original poster
sharon2609 · 24/01/2011 01:14

Thankyou for your reply. All opinions are gratefully received. I've resisted having a real go at him as he seems a nice lad. But you are right what does he want with a 12 year old, although she looks 16, but thats irrelevant...she IS 12!

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 24/01/2011 02:13

Why is this boy not going for girls his age? Is it because they wouldn't give him the time of day? So he's setting his sights on someone younger...Hmm

Oh, and they're only screaming matches when both of you scream. However much you may feel like it (and believe me, I've been there) don't scream back. Good luck x

Expecting06112010 · 24/01/2011 07:38

oh gosh! how terrible for you!

there must be something lacking with this boy to think its ok to date a 12 year old at the age of 16. It sounds really wrong!

I understand that she may look 16 as a lot of young girls do now, but as you say she is 16.

So you said she skipped school to see this lad so im guessing hes left school?!

I would speak to his mum asap,

and as wimpleoftheballet says about the pedophile issue, he really is walking a thin line, i think i would call the police and see where you stand with this!

Chandon · 24/01/2011 07:45

really need to talk to the parents of the boy, and boy himself. No need for wild accusations, but just make sure they agree it is not appropriate and must not be encouraged.

nikki1978 · 24/01/2011 08:10

I think it is very extreme to start saying he is some sort of pervert tbh. If your DD looks and acts mature for her age it is not unusual. When I was at school several girls had boyfriends at 12 some of whom were older. Most of them did not have sexual relationships until they were 16.

If you are not happy with your daughter dating this boy then you need to stop her going out. Personally though I would let them see each other but in group/supervised situations. Just lay out your concerns to your DD and ask to meet his parents (then you can put across your concerns). I would deal with the direspect first and foremost though.

I think if you try to stop her seeing this boy you will just drive the whole thing underground and a wedge between you and her.

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