Two teen sons have done drugs and now husband says he'll leave...

[NeverThoughtItWould]

Abbreviated version: DS2, 15 and DS3, 14 have taken drugs for a year and 5 months respectively. Just discovered this. My DH, their stepdad has said he will leave if they stay.
Short story long - My 3 DS are, until 5 days ago, everything you'd wish for - intelligent and doing well at school, very popular, sporty and sociable.
We had to collect DS3 who is 14 and take him home after he started spewing at a friend's house. I read his mobile while he slept off what I thought was drink. Discovered his brother DS2, who is 15, had bought him drugs - costing £25 and bought with Xmas money. After interrogations the next day, DS3 admitted he'd been smoking weed for 5 months and done it about 10 times. DS2 been smoking weed for a year and once took mcat (the legal high that was made illegal a few months ago).
I'm gutted - we have discussed drugs round dinner table and I've made it clear that although I know they'll experiment with drink, that drugs was a BIG NO NO and if they did they could leave.
They're more concerned about being caught and consequences than implications of drug taking. Both stating that they'd never become addicted and could have stopped at any time.
Oldest DS thinks they're a couple of idiots and keeping out of it.
They're currently grounded, no
access to internet, mobiles or money and they have to make their own pack lunches (they'd been using dinner money for the weed). They've both said they're sorry and the 15 year old has said he's glad be's been caught because it means he will stop.
My DH is just as disgusted with them as I am. He does not see the situation improving as they have lied constantly and he does not want to live with people who think drug taking is okay. Plus we don't want to be wondering what they're up to when they're out. The solution is to send them to their father. He lives abroad in a poor country - after meeting a woman on internet. He's not seen the boys for 3 years and never contributed financially. Boys think he is a joke.

My choice is to send them to live with their father - I spoke to him and he wouldn't commit to them moving there and just stated that the education is inferior and there are no English schools.

The other is to keep them with me. This would mean that my DH of almost 5 years will leave, the house will need to be sold (little if any equity), I have to find a job (not worked for 2 years) and he will look for custody of our gorgeous DC who is 2.

I'm gutted and keep thinking the boys have caused this so they should have the consequences but break down at the thought of them at other side of world and not knowing if they're safe or when I'll see them again.
Any advice?

Thanks for everyone's support and comments - everybody in agreement.
After DH calmed down he realised the implications of what he was saying. He said he realised that it would be detrimental to them being sent away (as ex such an arse etc), knew it would wreck rest of their lives, detrimental to the kids still in the house and he would hate me to go out to work (when I've worked 24 years previously!).
Also he would not want our 2 year old to be looked after by someone else and he knew all along he would never get custody.

I think that not only was he annoyed that they'd done drugs but that he'd felt betrayed by them as he was always someone that they talked to - instead of me at times.

I was hoping that this was how he would think once he'd got over the shock. But then I also made it clear to him that I wouldn't send the kids away and was willing to give up everything to ensure that this mistake did not affect rest of their lives.

His experience of drugs is that everyone he knew that did it has either died or ended up in jail.

Older son is very remorseful and says if he hadn't been found out he'd have gone on to do more. He's got his head down studying for his prelims just now! Younger son still not really bothered.

Anyway strange atmosphere in house but hopefully that will pass.

One final point is the amount of their friends that were also doing it - but almost all have said they're not doing it any more after my boys got caught.

Final, final point - not objecting to drugs on religious (staunch atheist!) or moral grounds - just realise the potential damage to young brains and likelihood for addiction. Have got lots of addicts in my family - older generation it's alcohol and a big chunk of my cousins are drug addicts. So there is a concern that hereditary gene for addiction is real.
Right waffled long enough. Got my boys with me and got my husband supporting me :-)

that's really great news.

hopefully next time your husband won't have such an overdramatic, OTT and selfish reaction the next time your teenagers fuck up

'cos they will

they are teenagers

Anyfucker wrote: cos they will

they are teenagers

Exactly right. But if they see you two pulling, more or less, in the same direction, it'll be a huge help to you all.

Meanwhile, enjoy the (relative) peace - long may it last and well done.

I'm glad things seem to have calmed down

Oh dear! teenagers can be So trying!
What really did shock me once was when my son had a friend to''sleep over'',the lad was 14 but brought his 11yr old brother along, unnanounced.[my son was 14]
I left them alone to play on playstation,and half an hour later,My son came anxiously into my bedroom to say that his mate was rolling up a spliff.
I thought it was a joke!
To my horror, they were, and had a proper ''bag'' of skunk, and the 14 yr old was evidently practiced at spliff rolling, and said his 11yr old bro smoked too..
I said that they were to go back to their parents 'at once,' but being ''country kids'' they couldn't get back that night, as their parents were away!!.
They were nice boys, but were allowed to do as they wanted at home.
I told them that if they smoked the weed I would call the police. I didn't feel it was appropriate to take it from them,and not my place to do that.
Who on Earth sells drugs to such young people? this was going back 13yrs when ''skunk'' was in it's infancy.
Son said it was often the country children who thought weed smoking was ''cool'', and city kids ,especially those who grew up with dope~smoking parents, tend to leave it as it is not exciting or ''daring'', just something BOF's [ boring old farts] do!!.
All the blurb in Amsterdam advises against people under the age of 18 smoking,as ANY form of smoking is bad for growing people.

To throw kids out of the house for weed smoking is going too far, as the vast majority of teens will have a smoke, and leave it at that.
It is not at all easy parenting teenagers,esp if they have a ''stepdad'', or ''stepmum'', as they can say ''your'e not my DAD/MUM!!!. Be consistent with your house rules, as many teens feel ''safer'' with a few boundaries.
The two lads are now in their 20's and neither came to any harm.

I've been looking for advice about my sixteen year old but I'm not sure this thread quite does it! We discovered that he'd been smoking weed for some time. We had had out suspicions but believe me finding evidence is far harder than youd imagine. Since December he's been grounded apart from a once weekly outing with a new girlfriend who dumped him recently. This had got him started on how much he misses his old friends and weed and how much fun they had. He's seriously dyspraxic and dyslexic and struggleds at school. Current GCSE pressure had been very stressful. He says that being seen as a "Stoner" and knowledgeable gave him street cred at school and he earned respect. He's at an independent school where access to drugs is easy despite the teachers best efforts. We've talked endlessly to him and know that we can't keep him chained up forever. We're all going away for a long weekend with friends which include school friends of his so we are hoping he can re-establish lost friendships as his drug taking dis-connected him somewhat. ANyway, I'm banging on and desperate. He's defiant. Says we don't under stand. All the usual rubbish that they're not addictive etc (just seeing the behaviour change and his pre-occupation with cannabis made us realise somehting had changed). Has anyone else had similar experience?

Maryz,

Many thanks for your response. I feel for you. Ive now posted a new thread (I had no idea how to do so before).

To be honest I think it's hypocritical for parents to allow their kids to drink but not take drugs. Most social problems and the biggest bill to the NHS is alcohol related not narcotics related.

Anyway, it's unlikely the kids will stop as they will find other ways to feed their habit. Anyone who says "I can stop when I want to" when we're talking addictive substances is saying what you want to hear not what they actually believe.

Your husbands are probably trying more than you know. But it seems to me your a simple person and not able to read between the lines. They have given you the best ammo possible for you to shock the kids into quitting their habits and changing their ways.

"quit or dad leaves us" is like a knife in the guts for most kids as they know the stigma attached to single parent households.

Keep your children, find a job and work towards fixing your family. They've made some bad choices, but it could have been so much worse, and they are still very young. They need a mature adult response, not some stupid flouncy bloke feeling betrayed.
A partner of four years who is prepared to dump children who are challenging is going to seek custody? What if she turns out to be challenging, as most teens do?
Will he walk away from her?
I'd give him his marching orders anyway, he sounds a prat.

'He does have two teenage sons who live with their mother and has a rocky relationship with them although they stay here regularly.'

Well, that's no surprise. He seems to be an 'if it's not working, bin it and start over' sort of person. Instead of working out what's wrong and attempting to put serious effort into resolving issues.

Didn't realise it was such a very old thread, I wish people would stop doing that.