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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Two teen sons have done drugs and now husband says he'll leave...

65 replies

NeverThoughtItWould · 12/01/2011 13:59

Abbreviated version: DS2, 15 and DS3, 14 have taken drugs for a year and 5 months respectively. Just discovered this. My DH, their stepdad has said he will leave if they stay.
Short story long - My 3 DS are, until 5 days ago, everything you'd wish for - intelligent and doing well at school, very popular, sporty and sociable.
We had to collect DS3 who is 14 and take him home after he started spewing at a friend's house. I read his mobile while he slept off what I thought was drink. Discovered his brother DS2, who is 15, had bought him drugs - costing £25 and bought with Xmas money. After interrogations the next day, DS3 admitted he'd been smoking weed for 5 months and done it about 10 times. DS2 been smoking weed for a year and once took mcat (the legal high that was made illegal a few months ago).
I'm gutted - we have discussed drugs round dinner table and I've made it clear that although I know they'll experiment with drink, that drugs was a BIG NO NO and if they did they could leave.
They're more concerned about being caught and consequences than implications of drug taking. Both stating that they'd never become addicted and could have stopped at any time.
Oldest DS thinks they're a couple of idiots and keeping out of it.
They're currently grounded, no
access to internet, mobiles or money and they have to make their own pack lunches (they'd been using dinner money for the weed). They've both said they're sorry and the 15 year old has said he's glad be's been caught because it means he will stop.
My DH is just as disgusted with them as I am. He does not see the situation improving as they have lied constantly and he does not want to live with people who think drug taking is okay. Plus we don't want to be wondering what they're up to when they're out. The solution is to send them to their father. He lives abroad in a poor country - after meeting a woman on internet. He's not seen the boys for 3 years and never contributed financially. Boys think he is a joke.

My choice is to send them to live with their father - I spoke to him and he wouldn't commit to them moving there and just stated that the education is inferior and there are no English schools.

The other is to keep them with me. This would mean that my DH of almost 5 years will leave, the house will need to be sold (little if any equity), I have to find a job (not worked for 2 years) and he will look for custody of our gorgeous DC who is 2.

I'm gutted and keep thinking the boys have caused this so they should have the consequences but break down at the thought of them at other side of world and not knowing if they're safe or when I'll see them again.
Any advice?

OP posts:
AbsofCroissant · 12/01/2011 15:10

This must have come as quite a shock, as you said, but to echo others - a lot of teenage boys do do drugs. Both my brothers, most of my male friends and so on.

My suggestion would be to keep the channels of communication open with your sons - yes, they've done something stupid, but that's no reason to shut them out.

Weed can be an incredibly harmful drug, or it can not affect some people at all; apparently there is a gene which determines how affected you are by it, and it roughly works out that:

  • 25% of people won't be affected at all, won't even manage to get high
  • 50% of people will be affected to some degree, but still be fine
  • 25% of people are at high risk of the drug triggering psychological disorders etc.
I know plenty of people who fall into the 50% bracket - can do weed and be fine, carry on as normal, have good professional jobs, stable lives - it's like having a glass of wine. But, I also have a friend who fell into the second 25% bracket and ended up being sectioned and put into a mental hospital (he's fine now, thank goodness).
ElephantsAndMiasmas · 12/01/2011 15:22

Goodness, what would he want to do if you weren't in contact with your ex-H? Throw them onto the streets? It sounds like his love is extremely conditional, and like he is not really giving much in the way of parenting to his stepDSs. Leave? What a marvellous solution. He is trying to make you kick out your underage children because they have broken a rule. Loony.

Side with them, and make sure they know that you are NOT going to send them away, as soon as you can.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 12/01/2011 15:23

And WRT your husband. Call his bluff. If he leaves, you are best off without him. Do you want to see him doing this to your toddler in a few years if she's late home from a party, or smokes on a night out?

OTheHugeManatee · 12/01/2011 15:53

Agree with the others. So your boys experimented with weed. That does not justify kicking pair of adolescents out of their home, separating them from their mother and forcing them to live with a father they don't like in a foreign country they don't know. Your husband is dreadfully, appallingly, hysterically out of order to threaten you with separation if you do not comply with this deranged idea.

I grew weed on my windowsill aged 14, and ended up with straight As all the way through school and a first class degree from a Russell Group university.

What the others said. If he can't grow a sense of perspective, then call his bluff. If he sticks to it, then you're better off without.

threefeethighandrising · 12/01/2011 16:10

AbsofCroissant where did you get those figures from? They sound alarmist to me.

"25% of people are at high risk of the drug triggering psychological disorders etc."

I'm not saying weed can't hurt you. I'm sorry to hear about your friend, and glad he's OK now. But that 25% sounds exaggerated to me.

tiredemma · 12/01/2011 16:16

Your DH sounds like a right arse tbh.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 12/01/2011 16:17

TBH I think weed does a lot more harm than some people think. The OP's son may even have recognised that it's having a bad effect on him, because he said he's pleased to be able to stop. In a way I think regular weed smoking can replicate the symptoms of depression - loss of energy, negativity, passivity, drowsiness etc. I have a close friend who was also sectioned for schizophrenia following heavy use of weed. But many more who have not been so ill but seem really...drained by it.

maryz · 12/01/2011 16:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FellatioNelson · 12/01/2011 16:39

I have found myself in an almost identical situation this week with my fifteen year old, and I have been having all the same conversations. It's very tough I know, but firstly don't over-react. You'd be hard pushed to find many teenagers who haven't smoked a bit of weed these days -shocking but true. Of course that doesn't excuse it, but there is no point in throwing out the baby with the bath water in working where to go from here.

The main problem for you is your DH. He really shouldn't be making you choose between him and them at this stage - it's not fair. They are a long way from off the rails just yet, and he should be helping you work out a strategy to deal with this, not acting like a spoilt child himself.

threefeethighandrising · 12/01/2011 16:51

maryz I'm not disputing that weed can be harmful, far from it, and I'm sorry to hear your son is having a tough time, it must be very difficult for you as a family.

You're right there does seem to be scientific evidence that the later people start smoking the smaller the risk is that they will be harmed by it.

However I still have a problem with that 25% figure, and I would like to know where it came from.

Mental illness is no joke. A friend of mine became very ill in his teens (NOT from weed smoking) and it was heartbreaking. It took him about a decade to recover. He did recover eventually though, and another decade on is married with a lovely DS, and in a seriously well paid job he actually enjoys. (I wouldn't have believed that 15 years ago.)

However IMO we do need to be more honest about drug use in general IMO. It is amazingly widespread in the UK. For many people it is no different to having a glass or two of wine, but this is hidden so you don't see it. While the risks shouldn't be ignored, it really doesn't help to be alarmist either.

FWIW most of my mates took enormous quantities of drugs in their teens and early twenties. Most of them are now responsible adults / parents with good jobs. A few of them did not fare so well. But it's nothing like 25%.

AbsofCroissant · 12/01/2011 16:57

Currently at work, so maybe googling "marijuana and genetics" for the article is not the best idea right now so can't link directly.

They came from a study that was carried out in around 2005 (?) which linked the likelihood of being affected by marijuana to 2 particular genes. It's been a while since I read it - but basically, it kind of works (in a simplistic way) like the recessive gene for blue eyes.
So, for the 25% not at risk at all - they have not inherited this gene
For the 50% - they have one of the genes, so it's present, but doesn't have that much of an effect.
For the remaining 25% - they have both expressions of the gene.

Will see if I can dig it out when I'm not at work.

But, it's not like - one toke and 25% of people will end up institutionalised. It's more if someone has the particular genetic combination and they use frequently, they have a much higher probability of developing mental health issues.

maryz · 12/01/2011 16:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

threefeethighandrising · 12/01/2011 17:02

Oh, OK, that's interesting. It did sound a bit as if you were saying that 25% of people were at high risk of being driven mad by smoking weed, and that sounded wrong to me. I see what you mean now.

It's great that they've actually identified the genes - you could test for it, couldn't you. Not that I could see it happening, people would be too worried it would be a green light to their DCs to smoke weed if the gene wasn't there, which is a shame as it'd be useful information for those who do have it.

larrygrylls · 12/01/2011 17:07

"The main problem for you is your DH. He really shouldn't be making you choose between him and them at this stage - it's not fair. They are a long way from off the rails just yet, and he should be helping you work out a strategy to deal with this, not acting like a spoilt child himself."

Totally agree. Your children have taken their punishment well and seem keen to reform. This is a long way away from how drug dependent people behave. It sounds like they are doing OK at school and were, at worst, recreational users. They really do not deserve to be kicked out for this.

Batteryhuman · 12/01/2011 17:09

Your DH is asking you to choose between him and your DSs. There's no contest is there? It doesn't matter what your children have done if push comes to shove there is only one answer. Shut the door as you leave dear.

threefeethighandrising · 12/01/2011 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

usualsuspect · 12/01/2011 17:17

The smoking weed issue is a hard one ...I agree totally that skunk is much much stronger than the weed of our day...I think that a lot teenagers experiment with drugs whether we like it or not, and we can't stop them ,only inform them of the consequences

Total overreaction by the op and her dp

threefeethighandrising · 12/01/2011 17:19

Sorry - correction - I should have said 300 people who smoked weed.

Many of them (myself included) have given it up over the years.

walkinZombie · 13/01/2011 16:36

this is gonna sound harsh,

Your husbands attitude is appalling, when you take on a family you take the rough with the smooth.

If this is his general persona your children are probably acting out in family where your husband comes first and his wants/desires come first.

frankly I'd call his bluff and say you know where the door is...

How he responds to that gives you your answer whether or not its worth it.

I apologise if I got the wrong end of the stick.

AnyFucker · 13/01/2011 17:58

how are things today, OP ?

coldtits · 13/01/2011 18:04

he will not get custody of your youngest - you are the main carer.

It's actually quite normal (NOT desirable) at their age to use weed. Don't be disgusted with them. they're normal. They need your help, support (and the discipline that goes with it).

Show the child to the door - and by that I mean the prick who's threatening to leave because life with teenagers turned out to be life with teenagers.

mumeeee · 13/01/2011 23:41

I agre with the other posters. Your DG is being very childish by theatning to leave asn asking you to choose brtwwen your sons and Him.
You need to put the boys first yes they have done somrthing stupid but they ned your support.

Mssoul · 13/01/2011 23:50

Have a teenage dd and I expect my dp (not her dad) to support me if she experiments with the usual teenage rights of passage.

Do you have a religious or moral reason (drug death in family for example) for this unbelievable reaction to stupid, but common, idiotic behaviour from teenage boys?

Louii · 13/01/2011 23:51

God they are teenagers, it's marijuana, not a massive deal.

WelshCerys · 14/01/2011 13:33

How's it going, OP?

Been there - probably still am, only DS hides things well. And I know all too well the impulse, a sort of self-preservation, that says - 'he's got to go' - but as the other posters have said, it's what we sign up for and we are not at all alone - we're good, hard working, loving parents and our kids smoke dope. It happens, clearly not in every family, but it's commonplace. And with the support of each other on eg MN and maybe elsewhere (drugs services in your town/your GP?), we get through and we and our kids come out good in the end.

Only hope you can resolve things with DH - can't help feeling that he needs massive reality check - parenting advice/parenting teenagers course ... you mention he was close to them - I hope that comes back and that he sees that he cannot run away from wayward teenagers - in fact, they need their parents more than they care to admit (and we need them ...)
Custody of youngest - he can forget it, surely.
Someone who doesn't want to know teenagers when they're being just that, teenagers, can't possibly be trusted to bring up a little one who inevitably is going to be a teenager before long. But I hope things don't get to that - hope you 5 make it through together.