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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

She says that her step dad sexually assaulted her

39 replies

grubblermum · 08/01/2011 21:22

My 17 year old daughter came home on Christmas Eve and told me that my partner of 8 years sexually abused her. She can't remember how many times but can recall two graphically and around ten other times. She said that this stopped 4 years ago and that life has been "normal" since. Since telling me my life has fallen apart. I called the police and had him arrested. The police say that because she can't remember all the details it is unlikely that they will persue the case. He is strongly denying it and wants to take a lie detector test!! I will not have him back but am unable to sleep. My life has been a lie as I was really happy with him and cannot see how I missed this.

Is there anyone out there that has been in a similar situation and can offer some advice/guidance for the future?

OP posts:

QueenGigantaurofMnet · 08/01/2011 21:26

all i can tell you is that you have done the right thing.

it must have been an incredibly difficult thing for your daughter to tell you. you should be proud of her bravery.

Could you find her some counselling? and yourself also. i think you could both use somewhere that you can talk and discuss the emotions youare feeling.

AnyFucker · 08/01/2011 21:29

I am so sorry

I have no experience of this, but I think you did the right thing

ignore any offers to take a lie detector test, that is too "Jeremy Kyle" for words

you believe your daughter and that is that

so sorry for you x

Original poster

grubblermum · 08/01/2011 21:29

Thank you. I have organised this. Just can't get over the life that has gone. I can't understand how this could happen especially as we were so happy and had a full relationship.

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AnyFucker · 08/01/2011 21:36

Some men are just like this. They are often "pillars of the communiy" that no-one would ever suspect. Sexual abusers don't wear macs, have shifty expressions or have a sign on their forehead.

It isn't your fault. No matter what you did (or how many times you slept with him) he would still have had these tendencies.

Original poster

grubblermum · 08/01/2011 21:44

I know - guess it's gonna take time and it is still so raw. Just wish he would stop leaving messages denying it and making out that she is a liar. Police have been rubbish and say that because she can't remember they are closing the case. Can't believe that he would just start and stop and then what made him do this just went away? He's got children of his own....

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 08/01/2011 21:50

Look, this is going to hurt you

But going off your time scale he probably stopped when she reached puberty

so he may be a paedophile

paedophiles find sexually-mature people a turn-off

this may explain why he stopped

Original poster

grubblermum · 08/01/2011 21:58

I understand. What is really bugging me is that he holds these thoughts to children and they just don't go away do they? Where are they going to. Is there another young girl out there that will go through the same as my daughter? My daughter can't remember too many details. I've organised councelling fo her but feel so guilty that I know that someone like him is out there and nothing is happening.

OP posts:

Doramustdie · 08/01/2011 22:00

No idea how to support you here. But you have made the right decision. Go with your daughter. She's your baby, you know her.

AnyFucker · 08/01/2011 22:03

I am sorry, I am unqualified in how to help you

you are right, it is abominable that he is remaining unpunished and free to abuse another child

personally, that would be tormenting me to absolute distraction

this situation is horrible, there are no more words to describe it

LoopyLoopsIsNoLongerFestive · 08/01/2011 22:08

Just wanted to say you have done exactly the right thing in believing your daughter. I can't improve on the excellent advice already given, just wanted to offer my support. :)

SingleUse · 08/01/2011 22:08

i have been that child. please support her.

my mother didnt, i cant tell you how awful things have been since then.

Original poster

grubblermum · 08/01/2011 22:15

Thank you to all of you. She is my baby which is why it hurts so much and makes me so angry to think of him out there just denying it.

SingleUse - your comment means so much. For me there is only one course of action. I hope you have found strength in yourself. No-one asks for this awful thing to happen to them.

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SingleUse · 08/01/2011 22:17

in my case he served less than a year. she believed he didnt do it. she stuck by him. moved out the family home and disappeared.

the truth will out, its not going to be an easy journey, or even a short journey.

But if you ever need someone to talk to feel free to get in touch :)

is there a private message feature here?

LoopyLoopsIsNoLongerFestive · 08/01/2011 22:19

Next to a poster's post, there is a little bit on the right that says "message poster". At the top of the page is your inbox.

AnyFucker · 08/01/2011 22:21

I am so sorry for your awful experiences, SU

scurryfunge · 08/01/2011 22:22

So sorry you are going through this. There will be a lot of support for your daughter. Why have the police been rubbish?

Original poster

grubblermum · 08/01/2011 22:22

I know we have only just started this journey but I have to do what is right I couldn't look myself in the mirror if I didn't. I hope you have moved on as much as you can do and wish you happiness in the future. Thank you for taking the time to answer my message

OP posts:

Doramustdie · 08/01/2011 22:25

Not a comfort at all, but last night I stood transfixed to the radio listening to one family from Bristol who had been victims of abuse some 40-50 years ago. Their father was finally after all that time convicted, but their mother was just as culpable in this case. The girks abused by him, the boy by her. It was harrowing to listen to. However, the son some 50 years old, tormented all his life by his experience had found the sheer strength to speak. Amazing that your DD spoke to you. And a testament to yourvparenting and our current society that she felt she could. Push it as far as you can. Massive hugs to you.

SingleUse · 08/01/2011 22:27

thank you Loopy,
grubbler have PMd you :)

Sadly the support is lacking to the victims in these cases. please keep in touch with people where you can, build your own support network :)
xx

tethersend · 08/01/2011 22:28

grubblermum, when she told you, you put your daughter first. She will never forget this. Well done for doing this- many mothers can't or won't. You can't undo what he did, but you can continue to put her first and this will help her to heal.

Grieve for the man you thought was your partner- unfortunately that man does not exist. I'm sorry you are going through this, but you really have done exactly the right thing and you deserve kudos for that.

Original poster

grubblermum · 08/01/2011 22:28

Scurry - the police say that because she can only remember two instances without dates, times, and no other information that they feel that the evidence will not stand up to a prosecution. They say that there is not "point" in using her as a witness for a prosecution because she can't remember enough. She was 10 and this happened 7 years ago. Social Services came around to find out what my parenting styles were and what boundaries I set for her. Thanked them both for the caring, sensitive nature of their assistance!!!

OP posts:

magnolia74 · 08/01/2011 22:29

I have been your daughter

I kept it to myself, Your daughter isvery brave to confide in you and she will be ok with your support x

CaptainNancy · 08/01/2011 22:30

I'm sorry this has happened, but thank you for believing her, and standing by her.

magnolia74 · 08/01/2011 22:31

It was my grandad though. I also didn't and still don't remember most of it but know it happened. (got incredibley good at burrying it)

Counselling may help x

Original poster

grubblermum · 08/01/2011 22:31

Single - how do I get into my PM?

OP posts:

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