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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

She says that her step dad sexually assaulted her

39 replies

grubblermum · 08/01/2011 21:22

My 17 year old daughter came home on Christmas Eve and told me that my partner of 8 years sexually abused her. She can't remember how many times but can recall two graphically and around ten other times. She said that this stopped 4 years ago and that life has been "normal" since. Since telling me my life has fallen apart. I called the police and had him arrested. The police say that because she can't remember all the details it is unlikely that they will persue the case. He is strongly denying it and wants to take a lie detector test!! I will not have him back but am unable to sleep. My life has been a lie as I was really happy with him and cannot see how I missed this.

Is there anyone out there that has been in a similar situation and can offer some advice/guidance for the future?

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scurryfunge · 08/01/2011 22:33

Although it has not got the result you have wanted, it sounds as if the police have investigated it. Without the go ahead of CPS there is going to be no prosecution.

The police will be investigating this man anyway and gathering intelligence. Social services will be assisting by also looking at any other child he may have been in contact with.

You have done the right thing. Just because the CPS will not continue, it doesn't mean it didn't happen -continue to support her.

SingleUse · 08/01/2011 22:33

top of the page next to where it says log out i think :D

Original poster
grubblermum · 08/01/2011 22:37

Found it - have replied - in your Inbox

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Original poster
grubblermum · 08/01/2011 22:41

Thank you for your honesty magnolia74. I can't believe how these people can do this and am only beginning to understand. Have arranged counselling for her and whilst I don't want to make her remember things that she doesn't want to do not want to have it affect her going forward too much - if that's possible. Thank you.

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magnolia74 · 09/01/2011 15:44

I chose to have counselling but it wasn't to help me remember, it was to help me get past what had happened and find a way of continuing with life, kids, husband etc...

(I had buried it for so many years that when I finally accepted and admitted to my dh what I had been through it was like it was recent if that makes sense)

Original poster
grubblermum · 14/01/2011 20:03

what a week. After posting my original message I got a call on Mon to say he was rushed to hospital. The hospital said that he had seizures and was unconscious and critical. They needed his next of kin. I called his daughter who advised because of what I had done to their dad they wanted me to have no part and I was not to contact any further. I was advised by the police yesterday that he had died the day before. You could not make it up!!

My daughter and i are now entering a whole different range of emotions. Sad

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SingleUse · 15/01/2011 03:20

oh my goodness, what a turn of events :(

i think its understandable you are going through a range of emotions, i really dont know what to suggest to try and be some help or comfort to you :(

BlackSwan · 15/01/2011 03:33

Grubbler - I'm very glad he's gone. Was it self-inflicted?

I can imagine no better outcome for your daughter or other young girls in the community, given the lack of interest shown by Police in convicting this criminal. That lack of interest is dismaying and is the real reason these perverted bastards get away with it.

You are an outstanding mother for supporting your daughter. I hope this gives you and your poor daughter some kind of closure, though I'm sure you will always remain deeply affected by this. I hope you find love and support within your own family and decent professional support too.

ChippingIn · 15/01/2011 03:44

It's harsh to say, but I can't think of a better outcome.

I think you need to be very kind to yourself - you have been through a lot. I think you should get some counselling too - you have a lot of emotions to work through.

Original poster
grubblermum · 16/01/2011 17:08

Thank you for the support all. I am going to get counselling too and am struggling to understand my emotions. I can't grieve for him because of the thought of what he put her through. Need some closure but not sure I am going to get it. Hoping for a few good weeks where nothing else happens Sad

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QODneystones · 16/01/2011 17:16

I am so sorry for you all - you have suffered a real "loss" - the loss of your belief in your family if you see what I mean.
Life humming along, tickety boo and then the rug was pulled.
I am actually glad he is gone, his children just have to deal with it.

FYI I have 2 friends who were abused by their grandfathers and chose NOT to ever tell (still haven't & we are all 4o's now) their mums/grannies because both men died when they were younger than your daughter.

I am so pleased that it's happened this way round - for your daughters mental health, she knows EXACTLY how you reacted - you thought of her, you believe her. They both still have "issues"
They don't know whether their mothers would have believed them.
All the best

Original poster
grubblermum · 16/01/2011 17:38

Thank you QODneystones. I had to stay true to myself (and my daughter) and have tried to do this. It's gonna be hard to go forward from this but know that if it had been the other way round and I believed him and not her and then he died I would have felt worse. One step at a time but my belief in what I had and my inability to grieve for him (if I grieve for our life I compare to what she has been through) is hard. Funeral to come and repercussions from the family next week but will keep on going.

Thank your for your comments.

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Madcarol · 20/01/2011 15:17

Hi grubblermum
I had my son charged with sexually abusing his sister he was 15 at the time I got him charged. He sexually abused her for 2 years before I found out after my daughter broke down and told me after the birth of my youngest daughter. It has been 6 yrs I have nothing to do with him but it hurts terribly to know I trusted him and he did this to his sister. My daughter is 19 yrs now and is in uni and doing well I got her all the help I could. Your daughter can remember all the facts because she doesnt want to go back there in her head. The facts are hard to look at and raw. I suggest asking you daughter to go into therpy because it will help her and she can deal with the details she has locked away in her head. They are all there it is just so hard to deal with.

I hope this helps xx

Original poster
grubblermum · 21/01/2011 16:40

Have organised therapy for her Madcarol. Have also booked myself in as well as he range of emotions and ability to control them are very difficult. She says that she is fine and that all she wanted was to tell me and I believe her. Also said that with his death she has closure. Therapy will help her unlock her thoughts and feelings and be able to move on.

Although it hurts you know that you did the right thing. The only thing that is wrong is the people that do these acts to children.

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