threw my 12year out ..

[lilmamma]

my 12 year old son has a terrible temper,and is getting worse.He can be a very loving boy but, when he doesnt get his own way he erupts,and i feel it wont be long before he gives me a punch.

He phoned me from school to ask if his friend could stay over,and i told him no.I explained his brother was working late,and would be back about 1am and wake them up,plus i had no goodies in.

He came home and asked again and i told him no,after him going on bout 5 mins asking, i shouted no,why dont you listen to me,and he threw his mobile on the floor,which came away in bits and his buss pass,called me a f..ing bitch and his sister a slag and went out in the hall,i threw his coat at him and told him to go to his dads or his sisters up the road,and slammed the front door on him.

I feel im loosing control,with him,he ended up in his dads who was more concerned i threw him out,rather than the fact he callled me names,for not letting his friend stay over.

Do you think i was in the wrong ? There is no talking to him when he flips,he is a complete horror and just blanks whatever you say,i feel like crying,i have recently split from his dad,my 17 year old is pregnant,i look after my terminally ill auntie,work part time and feel there is no more of me to go round.maybe iam loosing it,sorry for the moan,but i think i was justified in what I did,before i lost complete control of the situation,and he has always has a bad temper,not just because me and his dad have split up.

To be honest with you, I think that you need to contact social services and ask them for some support as it doesn't sound to me as though any of you are coping. They are not just there to look after abused children, they are there to help families like yours who just don't know what to do or where to turn to for support.
He's still a child, he's going through puberty so is having a hormone frenzy going on in his body. He can't make sense of the world just yet as he doesn't have the maturity to enable him to do this. It sounds as though you need support in order to help him through this as you also have alot going on. I am so sorry about your auntie, it must be so upsetting for you.
Please call for some support.

yes you are losing control.

i think belle is right. you need some support and he needs help with his temper. you cannot go on like this. he will ose his temper again and you can't keep throwing him out when he does. it isn't fair on him. his issues are as real as yours are, he needs help with them.

It sounds like you are having a really hard time and he just happened to be the last straw on a bad day.. totally understandable.

Unfortunately you haven't gained anything by throwing him out, or by losing it with him. Teens (near teens) are bloody unreasonable creatures at the best of times.. probably in his mind, he was expecting you to say yes when he rang from school, he then thought you'd change your mind when he asked again.

Your (perfectly reasonable)answer then sparked off a 2 yr old tantrum..cos that's basically what hormonal teens are... he broke his phone.. was rude. None of that is REALLY hideous in the grand scheme of things, and keeping cool and calm would have made life easier.

As you have said.. there is no talking to him when he flips. So don't. Don't argue with him. State the facts and walk away. he smashed his phone.. his bad deal and he'll have to go without.

I learned this the long hard way with my DS1 (I have 4 teens so have been going thro this forever it feels!) He was unspeakably rude AND violent from 12-16 plus stealing, smoking pot.. etc etc. We used to try reasoning with him, arguing our side.. it just made things worse. Eventually it dawned on my to try NOT answering back when he was goading me. God it was hard, but I quickly discovered that when DS was spoiling for a fight or asking for something that I could not say yes to.. I had to say no, explain why , ONCE , then walk away. Only later when he had finished raging and hating me did I then talk about how miserable his abuse made me.

It REALLY helped. It has taken a long time for my DS to calm down a bit (he's 17 now) but he is improving.

You may not be able to change his bad temper (my DS has always had a hair trigger temper too.. holes in every wall in the house) but you CAN change how you deal with it. Kicking him out now sets a pattern that may become very difficult to alter as he gets bigger, and also sends a very negative message.. 'I can deal with you, go away' when actually hormone filled kids really need to feel accepted even when they are vile!

Make up tomorrow... it's another day, and perhaps talk with ex (if possible) about how you will jointly deal with behaviour next time he acts out.

Hang in there... :)

hanks for your reply,i never even gave them a thought.I think he might need some anger management classes,and maybe tell me ways in which i can help him.

At other times he can be a real loving boy,always hugging me,and kises me before he goes off to school and before bed,and when i found the neighbour next door dead,he was so concerned for me and kept asking how i was,so i dont understand these scarey outbursts.

Its usually when he gets asked or told something he doesnt agree with,but i cant keep giving in,just to keep the peace..

Thanks again for all your replies,medusa i will try some of the things you have mentioned,and tbh,I have had a hard day and was so tired,and he got it all,which wasnt fair.I will have a word with him tomorrow,if he is speaking to me..

I see this recommended on here a lot. Have you had a read of the tips in the teenagers section from the Home page?

Here. Lots of good advice.

You were wrong to kick him out but given your circumstances, understandable.

Have you tried explaining to your son how you feel? Often we try to cope, we tell our kids nothing yet expect them to understand. Boys are esp clueless with emotions.

Given the recent split, could DS's behaviour be because he's testing boundaries? Seeing if you will leave him like his dad had left? I don't know, just asking.

Yes you were in the wron to throw him out.As others have said you ned some help and support. Try and kep calm when he loses his temper if you can't then walk away for a while go in another room or upstairs. Then when you have both calmed down. Try to speak to him and sort things out,

I told him to get out and go to his dads or sisters,he wouldnt have gone anywhere else,or slept rough,he is scared of the dark and is immature,that wouldnt enter his head.

I phoned him this morning,and told hm i was sorry for shouting and telling him to get to his dads,he sounded very suprised when i said sorry,and he said are you.?

I then told him we need to talk and that he was in the wrong to shout and call me names,and then when i say no,he has to accept it.

He is staying in his dad for a few days and i will go and have a look at those links,thanks all..

Well I wouldn't feel too bad if I were you - you didn't throw him out on the street - he had somewhere to go and it gave you both a cooling off period. Saying sorry is a great thing for our kids to hear I think - we are human not perfect and we make mistakes. Don't beat yourself up over it - just keep taling and give him a hug when you see him.

Thanks desertmum,he is back now and we had a good chat..He is the younest of 4,so has always had a bit more freedom,but i think he also needs to know that no means no.

It is easier to say yes all the time,but as the parent,he also needs to respect when i say no,which tbh i dont do much.

You need to say sorry to him, give him a hug and a talk: there's a valuable lessono for a twelve year old that A) people can get things wromg, be a bit eman and still love you, and B) people do have their coping limits.

You are close to yours: with teh circumstances it would be bizarre if you were not frankly. I have an almost 1 year old with very severe temper issues (he has Aspergers) and it's ridiculously hard to cope with at times. As would a pregnant 17 year old, termnally ill Aunt or a recent split. No wponder you are struggling.

I would start by speaking to Carers Uk and seeing if they an help with any of it- youa re a carer becuase of your Aunt. it's one of the few things in your list that has a formalised support system. Counselling, a break, maybe top up income or a reduction in work hours may all be appropriate depending on circumstances.

Don;t be too hard on yourself; yes it was OTT but so is what you have to deal with. It woudl only be actviely wrong if you didn;t make amednds with your son and look for ways to cope now you've had this heads up that you are close to breaking.

Thanks santasmooningarse,your name made me lol typing that.:) we are back on track and he is listening more to me,and iam being calm and just dont say no,i give an explantion,in a quieter voice,rather than shouting.

It is hard with all that is going on,but that is no excuse for me to have lost it big time.I think i was just tired,not sleeping well,hae a few more things going on in my life,but didnt want to be woe is me and list a long list of things,iam the type who just usually gets on with things,but i suppose we all have our limits.

I found my neighbour dead and had to identify his body which wasnt very nice,i have gyny problems,am back in hospital next week,grandson has just been diagnosed with eb,and my poor auntie has been having up to 3 angina attacks a week,but wont do anything about it,as she says well im terminally il anyway,so what can they do.

But you have to pick yourself up and move on,which we have,i will look into the carer uk.on a happier note 20 days till my new grandson is born,and we put our christmas tree up last night,so feel better,sitting in the room with all twinkly lights,easlily pleased me lol.

lm: i wonder if you are trying to be Perfect And this is your source of stress.

If you are taking on so much it is no surprise that things are too much - i am amazed you have done so well.
i think it is a good idea to seek time/help for you

i don't think it is the right thing to chuck your son out of the house for longer than a good long sulk.
he might get into trouble out there & i am sure you do love him really!

i suppose he can't put off being a bit of a twat because it is a bad time for mum - as my mum would say 'it's 'is 'ormones!'

still, no reason not to pin him in a quiet corner & hiss at him about his behaviour when the dust has settled.
i would also try to get husband to say yes to taking him in when things kick off, but no to taking 'his side'

bet he's well pissed off he broke his mobile...