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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

eating disorder

39 replies

liz1969 · 16/10/2010 22:26

my teenage daughter has an eating disorder. anorexia/bulimia. she is currently in the bulimic stage. she attends a counsellor but i feel totally helpless. have tried to talk to her about healthy eating and have gotten her a gym membership but am now fretting that i have done the wrong thing. any help/ advice appreciated

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 16/10/2010 22:37

I don't have any experience with teenage anorexics, but a close friend of mine (in her 40's now) has been anorexic/bulimic for over 30 years. I know that one of her traits, when the anorexia is strong, is to over-exercise, so I'm sorry but I don't think the gym membership is a good thing. :(

Original poster

liz1969 · 16/10/2010 22:43

i just dont know what to do. have told her the deal is she must eat before going

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 16/10/2010 22:50

Striking deals with anorexics is pointless (IME; my friend is a very experienced anorexic, so your DD may not have all of her strategies) because they'll lie to you and to themselves.

(I'm sorry, that sounds harsh, and I don't mean to be.)

I find it helps me to separate "X my friend" from "X's anorexia" and deal with the illness as if it's another person; when her illness is strong it's not X I'm talking to, iyswim, or it might be a tiny spark of X that the illness hasn't (yet) conquered.

Gah, that probably means nothing to you.

How far advanced is your daughter's illness? Do you know about "pro ana" websites, and is it possible your DD is on them?

Original poster

liz1969 · 16/10/2010 23:01

she is about 10 months in. i dont think she is fully aware of all the strategies

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 16/10/2010 23:10

OK, that's good, it's not too entrenched. Do check her internet history though, there are many of those sites out there now.

What kind of counselling is she getting? (My friend feels Cognitive Behavioural Therapy would help, but has generally been very badly let-down over the years.)

Original poster

liz1969 · 16/10/2010 23:13

she sees a regular counsellor weekly, a dietician fortnightly and get weighed fortnightly, bloods monthly.

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 16/10/2010 23:19

That's a pretty good package, if the counsellor and dietician know what they're doing. Has she been given sample menus and so on?

(Not sure how this applies in the bulimic phase; X is mainly anorexic but resorts to bulimia when she feels she's eaten too much. It's rare that she eats at all... so I really don't have the understanding of bulimia that I do of anorexia.)

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 16/10/2010 23:21

Actually, have you spoken to the counsellor and dietician? (Alone, not with DD.)

They should be more able than I to make suggestions about how you might best support your DD through this.

Original poster

liz1969 · 16/10/2010 23:26

i have regular sessions with the counsellor. she has sample menus but has always been such a fussy eater, she struggles with it. we are pretty much in a binge eating phase at the minute, her counsellor feels that although its unhealthy its actually healthier than anorexia

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 16/10/2010 23:29

At least binging, she's absorbing some benefits from her food; but make sure she has regular dental check-ups. The acid in her vomit will erode her teeth much faster than usual.

Do you find the counsellor helpful?

Original poster

liz1969 · 16/10/2010 23:32

i find him helpful sometimes. my kid has braces so gets dental checks every 5 weeks or so. i buy loads of mouthwash....damage limitation

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 16/10/2010 23:37

I'm now at a bit of a loss as to what to say... :( I'm sorry.

If you just want to rant a bit, I'm happy to take it in.

Original poster

liz1969 · 17/10/2010 23:12

thats ok. i feel at a loss too lol

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 17/10/2010 23:43

{{{{{{Liz}}}}}}

Don't let on, eh?

canyou · 18/10/2010 00:10

Liz As someone who has come out the other side of eating disorders I am so sorry you are on this road.
Please know that it can get better, even on the worst days knowing you are there despite the horrible things she has said to you will mean so much [even though she will never tell you that]
A gym can be better then her pounding the street and they should be watching her weight BMI etc and may be a help but do let them know what is going on.
Can you take the menu and with her help discuss it and then rewrite it, tweak it so it is food she likes?
I was a bitch my poor Mum would go out in the middle of the night if I thought I wanted something anything to eat, when I know she wanted to shake me.
This illness is about control and I was allowed earn my control so long as I ate a certain amount I could have free choice of food so ask her to help with shopping/prep etc if she will, her food her choice.
Don't hide how scared, angry frustrated you are try and be aware how scared she is also
I can remember lying on my bed crying with the pain caused by just lying with my Dad next to me crying because he could not fix it/me, I never knew until then how scared they were.
It took a long time but I am now happy I eat three meals certain food scare me to death and I will never eat them as they were 'trigger' foods for my bulimia so don't force food if they are trigger foods. [Mine were soup to make it easier to get sick,kimberly biscuits, cream cake among others]
I dont think I have helped much but if I can ans q you have plse ask I am around a lot hugs to ye
It is a horrible journey but it can get better, and plse remember your other dc try to do 'family stuff' to be 'normal' when ye can

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 18/10/2010 01:21

Thanks, canyou. :) You've helped my understanding of this horrible, horrible disease. And I very much hope that the OP, and her DD, can benefit too.

canyou · 18/10/2010 10:11

I am sorry in some ways it makes no sense but it is so hard to explain as tbh it is a very confusing time with logical time line for feeling stressed/happy or worse a false sense of euphoria [when you feel slim and comfortable before the cycle starts again]emotions run so wrong and something no one told us/me I needed to relearn how to be happy/sad/scared as well as hungry and full because the disease while it causes so much anger/frustration etc they are not true emotions iyswim.
I will check in now and again if I can help in any way

StoicButStressed · 18/10/2010 11:42

Hi,

Not sure can help much but will share what little I know in case can help in any way:)

Would def recc counselling but would caveat (STRONGLY) keeping eye on it.Professionally, I've seen counsellors not being great:-( and one instance of behaving in phenomenally undermining way as didn't like the parents (shocking even now to recall, but do feel should be honest here). Stick w it tho, as is a vital resource.

Twitter:o Cannot recc this strongly enough. Is a MASSIVE support resource there. Start with searching for @VoiceInRecovery, a recovering ana who tweets and also links to her blog. Would also suggest searching for #RecoveryWarriors (not as strident as sounds, is just the hash used to make sure tweets can be picked up in searches easily. Look yourself first so you're happy, but maybe suggest to your DD that she starts tweeting as those really positive messages will then hit her very frequently - can be really affirmative (& these are hip young woman, not 'old' people she can dismiss!)

You - you MUST take care of yourself as being parent of someone w Eating Disorder is hard, hard work. Affects so very much and can feel - and sometimes is - endless. It's not selfish to take care of you; it's vital to take of you.

Give up trying to understand - as you won't and can't. Thats not a failing on your part, its just a reflection of how (like SO many things our kids may go thru) it is IMPOSSIBLE to understand unless you have been in those shoes yourself.

Wishing all of you the very best, good luck with all and please don't be hard on yourself - you're doing your best, thats all you can do.

StoicButStressed · 19/10/2010 09:04

Hi again. Last night I clicked thru to @VoiceInRecovery blogs and read few random posts - it is truly outstanding.

Aside from her own ana experiences, she is training in the field and disseminates latest research via blog but in a really easy discurssive way E.G. chats about research pointing to genetic causal factors as well as environmental or social triggers. Also talks about 'feared' foods and stuff that those of us who are NOT ana would never even guess at, so aside from being a great resource per se, it is also mega informative to parents etc.

Hope helps.

twentyoneagain · 19/10/2010 21:35

Liz please look at this sight www.feast-ed.org/ it really is helpful and is aimed at carers rather than sufferers. The forum is especially good.

canyou · 20/10/2010 10:42

Hi Liz and Lady, hope ye are doing ok today.
Stoic and twenty have given ye some good contacts there, it would be good even just if ye look at them. Wish my parents had something like that.
Have a good day today

Original poster

liz1969 · 20/10/2010 23:09

thanks everyone. havent been on in a few days, will get reading!

OP posts:

Apollinare · 22/10/2010 07:03

Thankyou Thankyou twentyoneagain for that link. When I clicked on this thread I was absolutly desperate. Our darling DD.

twentyoneagain · 22/10/2010 13:42

Apollinare - I speak from personal experience with my own DD when I say that the information on this site is fantastic. The parents on the forum are especially supportive and I do recommend joining and telling your story.

Apollinare · 22/10/2010 18:43

Have just registered. x

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