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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

eating disorder

39 replies

liz1969 · 16/10/2010 22:26

my teenage daughter has an eating disorder. anorexia/bulimia. she is currently in the bulimic stage. she attends a counsellor but i feel totally helpless. have tried to talk to her about healthy eating and have gotten her a gym membership but am now fretting that i have done the wrong thing. any help/ advice appreciated

OP posts:
liz1969 · 22/10/2010 22:19

a mixed week, weight up, potassium down.all of this i cope with, just.
but how do i cope with the lying, stealing truanting and downright nastiness?????

sometimes wish i could just run away

OP posts:
MaimAndKilloki · 22/10/2010 22:30

I don't know how much help this will be, but I know it's helped some people. There is a website called Feast or Famine which has been written by some girls with eating disorders. Which I always found was a really eloquent explanation of their patterns of thought, some of it is written with a bit of humour from what I remember. It might give you some insight and maybe ideas.

Everyone I know with an ED talks about the Ed as being a seperate being, like a monster in their head. It makes them do things. When she is being nasty and lying, try to remember, it isn't her, it's the disorder.

Also, this is a long shot so sorry if it doesn't help, attached to Feast or Famine is a forum for those with ED's. They would be a good source of support for your DD (possibly not for you, as it is very ED focused), though they are often not open to new members due to how vulnerable most of the members are. If they are open for registration, then you can PM me and I will vouch for your DD. (Long term member there myself)

If your DD does join then please bear in mind the forum is pro-reality, which means there are triggers on there, but the focus is on support and coping mechanisms, without judging.

liz1969 · 22/10/2010 22:42

thanks maimand killoki,

i live in terror of what she reads on sites. have had a quick look but there is no registration site. i worry that it shows pro Ed websites?

OP posts:
MaimAndKilloki · 22/10/2010 22:47

It isn't pro-Ed by any stretch, however, that site was put up because of a lot of press attention which was equating any site about ED's (especially private ones) with being pro-ED. It was also attracting a lot of pro-ED people, so they wanted to redirect them somewhere they couldn't cause harm (hence the mention of them). The forum itself isn't pro-ED. And has strict rules on what is and isn't allowed.

Eg. no tips at all, that's an instant lifetime ban.

Front page

I do however totally understand how incredibly scary it is for you. And don't blame you at all if you'd rather keep her separate from ED forums completely.

liz1969 · 22/10/2010 22:52

im just terrified. i feel everything i do, wvery decision i make is wrong. im just scared sites will make her better at her ED or am i just being paranoid?

OP posts:
donkeyderby · 22/10/2010 23:33

Sorry if someone has mentioned it already but have you tried the BEAT organisation? My cousin sadly died of AN and my niece has been ill with it too, so unfortunately eating disorders are a major thing in our family.

My sister is very involved in BEAT and through BEAT (and a great deal of hard work on her part), she seems highly educated about ED's now, after being totally overwhelmed and distraught at the beginning of my niece's illness, especially given our cousin's long battle with AN. It has given her great strength and she is in touch with international experts in ED's plus parents from all over the world (who she finds are actually more expert than anyone).

Niece is now doing much better, thank God.

liz1969 · 24/10/2010 23:00

im so glad your neice is doing well. i feel very much at the start of a long and horrible journey. will check out the site

OP posts:
MellowToday · 24/10/2010 23:16

As someone who suffered from EDs for most of their teenage years, I can tell you the good news is that the chances are she'll grow out of it.

However, obviously you want to do everything you can to make sure she does get better.

Firstly, make sure that none of your language is challenging - anorexics/bulimics are incredibly competitive. Make sure that no one disparages her weight loss (i.e. say in front of her 'she's fine, she's not even that skinny' - that will just spur her on) or draws too much attention to it (this sounds harsh, but there may be an attention-seeking element to it).

Secondly, and this is linked to the competition element - if she has any slim friends, she may see them as what is known in modern ED terms as a 'thinspiration' and may be wise to limit her time spent with them if you can.

Thirdly, she will almost certainly be a member of a pro-ED site, and/or have a ED diary - this might be somewhere she writes down her daily calories intake/purge figures or where she collects images of skinny people she'd like to look like. If she has a computer, she will most likely have an obscurely labelled file of thinspiration-pictures.

I don't necessarily think that the gym membership is a bad idea, because through it you may be able to promote a healthy outlook to keeping fit. Tell her there's nothing wrong with keeping fit and healthy, and that exercise is a part of that, but so is eating healthy foods like salads and vegetables.

I'm not sure how this will help, but hope it can give you some insight!

Just13moreyearstogo · 24/10/2010 23:29

I had a binge-diet type eating disorder from the age of 16 until my mid-thirties and my downfall was that it was entirely secret. I think it's great that you know about your daughter's problems and are trying to help, even though you feel bewildered. I'm sure your daughter knows all about healthy eating and nutrition and I would go so far as to say that food is not really the issue here. The issue is that she's using bingeing/starving/purging to try to manage feelings which, to her, feel unmanageable. I therefore agree that the counselling is vital. It would be nice for her to know that you're happy to listen if she wants to talk to you about her counselling sessions and that you're there for her if she has difficult feelings about anything in her life. Try, if you can, not to say anything about her appearance or her fitness - her head will be absolutely choc a bloc with thoughts about how she looks and what she weighs. I'm afraid that you purchasing gym membership may well have given her the idea that you think there's something amiss with her body so do make sure she understands that's not the case and tell her it's entirely up to her whether she wants to exercise or not. I did recover completely after two long bouts or psychotherapy, but it wasn't easy. Just stay calm and make sure she knows she can tell you anything and you won't freak out. You then need lots of support for yourself. I would recommend BEAT, as others have said.

charlotteUK · 25/10/2010 09:06

www.feast-ed.org and b-eat work very closely together.

Feast is for carers and parents. B-eat covers the whole spectrum.

There has been a recently published report archpsyc.ama-assn.org/cgi/content/abstract/67/10/1025 that shows the efficacy of FBT or "The Maudsley Method" in treating teenagers with eating disorders.

Siobhian · 14/11/2010 20:26

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Siobhian · 14/11/2010 20:27

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onlychild1601 · 27/08/2021 07:52

Hi Ladies,

So my daughter is being quite difficult at the moment. She moved out for university and has moved home to her boyfriend's as she doesn't feel comfortable in her family home and is claiming that's where her eating disorder started. I don't feel comfortable discussing that with her and it's her privacy so I just check in by asking her "are you ok".

However lately she's been trying to plan days out or going for coffee etc which I can't commit to due to work or plans with my husband. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. Any advice?

OnthePiste · 27/08/2021 13:04

@onlychild1601

Hi Ladies,

So my daughter is being quite difficult at the moment. She moved out for university and has moved home to her boyfriend's as she doesn't feel comfortable in her family home and is claiming that's where her eating disorder started. I don't feel comfortable discussing that with her and it's her privacy so I just check in by asking her "are you ok".

However lately she's been trying to plan days out or going for coffee etc which I can't commit to due to work or plans with my husband. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. Any advice?

Hi you have posted on a very old thread. I would recommend you start a new one of your own and I am sure you will get some good advice.
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