Please help (long)

[thefirstmrsDeVeerie]

Been holding off for ages. I dont usually talk about DS1 on internet for his privacy. I only really coo about my babies and discuss DS2's SNs and my wonderful DD because she is not here anymore.

DS will be 17 in Jan. Over the last two years his behaviour has worsened and worsened. I suppose it was quite insidious and we just kept up with the discipline, discussions, sanctions, rewards etc.

Nothing has worked and its totally broken down. He kept leaving and coming back and now has gone again. Thing is I dont feel he can stay here and do the things he is doing because it is having a horrible impact on the kids.

I am at my wits end and in shock TBH. He has been to homeless dept and they gave him a hostel place. He didnt stay one night and came home instead. He lasted a day and half before he was off again.

I really, really do not know what to do. He is targetting everything at me. He hates me and everything is my fault. He doesnt even mention his dad. I know I am not the best mum. I have always admitted that. I have always feared failing and after DD died I did withdraw a fair bit. But I got up everyday and the children were fed and went to school, told they were loved and I still went to open evenings and we had Christmas and birthdays.

He says its nothing to do with DD death or OH's disability or DS's disability or anything. Its me, I am a liar and all kinds of things. His language towards me has got really bad and I am stunned.

I am out of my depth. I have honestly always tried my best. He has called me 'fucked up' and I am so distraut at it all. Everyone thinks I am really strong but I dont think I am. I have just had to get on with stuff.

We got him counselling after DD died but he told me that he had to stop going because I didnt like taking him there. He has made this into reality when infact its not true. The sessions stopped and anyway his dad used to take him. He has also told me I hate him having DD's room because I want it as a shrine. This is very hurtful because its very far from the truth and I belive it comes from a short chat he had with his dad years ago and nothing to do with me.

I know he has had a lot to cope with and we have supported him with everything we can. We must have done something wrong somewhere.
I have to admit I am also embarressed at his sense of entitlement. That the council should house him and he should get income support etc.

He is still going to college (so would I if I was doing the course he is on!) so thats a good thing.

I just dont know how things have got to this and I am beside myself. I swing from blaming myself for everything to thinking perhaps I have been too honest with DS about my fears of not being good enough.

I love him. I cannot believe what is going on and I am so angry that he is causing so much stress when the family has had so much to deal with. BUT I dont think he should have to behave better than others to protect us IYSWIM.

The scheduled meeting with ss/housing was cancelled today due to sickness. I thought I might be getting some idea of the next step and now thats not going to happen.

The SW is very nice and has seen it all before. She seems to understand how much we care about DS.

I dont want to dismiss his feelings and have always said that his thoughts were valid BUT he had got things wrong and based his ideas on things that simply have not happened.

A horrible part of me feels this whole thing is his way of trying to get his own place. He has clearly been influenced by some of his friends and a relative told him some 'intformation' that has made things so mch worse.

Sorry this is long but I now understand what 'wits end' really means.

I have already lost one, I cant lose another.

Hi sweets, so sorry for you - teens are tough - mine is only 11.10 but jeez..........
Do you think some of it may be also a bit of jealousy of your DN and how she "has it all"? Kids get a HUGE sense of entitlement........
Sorry if that is out of line, but my SIL has a 21 & a 13 yr old and constant jealous strops from the normally wonderfully mature and generally lovely 21 yr old whenever she see's her sis (who is still dependant obviously) get ANYTHING
It just came to me because of the "entitlement" comment.

QOD thanks for replying. I am a little bit confused sorry DN?

I feel DS IS jealous of his sister because of the attention she got when she was ill and because she died (and probably feels very guilty for feeling this way). I also think he is jealous of his younger brothers because of the attention they get for either special needs or just being little. Again I think he feels guilty about this too so cant admit it.

I think he was badly affected by his sister's death and my absence during her illness and all the horrible fear and stress. He must also be worried about hid dad
s illness. But he will not admit to any of this and just insists its all down to me and thats that. How can we help him if he refused to acknowledge anything that has happened?

Sorry - I meant your neice (DN)

I think you are spot on about him and how he feels you know, jealousy, attention etc etc, it's just so awful because he's blaming you for everything - because he can :(

Kids can be so horribly unfair, one day he will realise but until then, I don't know what the answer is.

Does he talk to his dad more? Can his dad kind of liase a bit?

I wish I had an answer :(

Dad is doing all the liasing at the moment. I cant talk to ds because TBH I cant bear anything I say being used against me. I dont ignore him or anything but I cant have a conversation and I have asked that he only comes round when his dad is here. OH works evening and that is when everything would kick off. Dad out the door, unreasonable request from DS, argument, slamming out etc etc..

The thing is he is dossing at friends houses and I find this hard. Its not right, he is not abused or neglected, he is taking advantage of people and now he expects to get housed! Some poor kid needs that and he might get it instead.

If I knew he was safe and kept going to college I would feel better. i never thought he would stay at home for ever. I thought he would move out in his late teens. Why did he have to create this turmoil instead of doing it the right way? I wouldve helped him as much as I could.

But it seems he had to make himself into a victim or something in order to get stuff done for him.

Irony - he is the only person in this house with is own room!

I know I might sound as if I am blaming him for everything. I am not. I know its been very hard for him. But he just wont have it and its very hard being a punch bag. When I look back at how he has behaved over the last couple of years I cant believe it has got to this.

Yep, we have told him all that. We have both worked in social care in different capacities.

We are wrong though

Thats the problem. What do we do with him?

Its like some horrible bloody dream with no bloody end in site.

we have had a bit of this here with ds16 although not as extreme as yr ds....yet.
we have also had similar issues to yours - severe illness and poor health twice in immediate family.
i think my ds feels overwhelmed by what has happened to him in his life so far and is too immature to deal with it so is lashing out. unfort you like me are in the direct firing line.i know i am a weak and easy target for him.its realllllllly tough i know.
i agree counselling has to be of some help - it is prob too much for anyone child or adult to process without help and talking about things.
best of luck and hope that this is an extreme reaction and will calm down as time goes on - maybe he needs to do this and see if it gets him anywhere.if it doesn't (ie his own place) then i hope it makes him appreciate things at home more.

i am hoping that it improves with ds - it does seem to be getting better with mine.

QOD Just got what you mean DOH! Thing is, she worked really hard for what she got. She has been slogging away since she was a little girl. AND she told me the other day that she had tried to txt him and he hadnt replied (broken,lost, stolen phone as usual). He is losing out on so much because of his attitude.

Thanks for sharing everyone, it does help to know I am not alone.

The dilemma now
What if the housing tell him NO WAY,nothing for him?

If he comes home because he has to he will simply ramp up the behaviour until we cannot bear it again.
What if we say we cant have him back? A grotty hostel where he wont be safe?

the only option seems to be to let him come home and let him do whatever he wants AND bankroll it. Then he will be happy.

Of course this is not an option.

So I feel like I am floundering.

Yes he does plan for Uni though with the way things are going I am not sure he will get the chance. We have no money. I have tried to explain in the past what this means, that he cant mess about because we cannot sub him or bail him out. He has to work for what he wants.

Brick wall again.

no let him come home but don't bankroll him

he will have to work his way thorough uni like my ds will have to and come out with a debt

Its so hard to deal with someone who is living in a fantasy world.

He is right. When things dont go his way its because I have somehow manipulated the universe and when others do not agree with him he moves on to find those who do.

He sounds bloody awful doesnt he?

He isnt, not underneath.

Its heartbreaking.

Thank you Maryz I know you have really been through it.

I think you are really strong to step back in the way you have. At least he has a safe base. I am not sure I am ready to do that. It feels so much like giving in to his demands.

But I dont want stupid pride to get in the way.

Thats why I am in such a bloody mess.

I have stepped back in other ways, OH is pretty much dealing with it all at the moment. Was really hoping something would come out of this meeting, now we have to hang about waiting for another one.

I HATE this.

I think you are an amazing mother Maryz
I really hope that one day your DS realises what he has. What you are doing is so hard and you are doing it for him, to keep him as safe as you can. I am in awe.

I will have to see what happens next with my DS. He wont come home whilst he thinks he has a chance of accomadation.
He will rather than be homeless. Then we may be able to sort some rules out. We dont ask for much. Its all very basic. TBH I would prefer not to have to be in his business. i have 3 little ones to deal with.

Thanks. I really appreciate all the advice and support given on this thread. It took a lot for me to post it. I feel ashamed and out of my depth.

I have never felt this way with my children. I cope and sort things and work things out. Disability, cancer, baby stuff, i can do it. Why cant I do teenagers? Probably because I was such an unhappy one myself?

I do know that he doesnt understand the havoc he is wrecking (sp). That is some small comfort.

Thanks again Maryz and everyone who has posted.

I do feel it's possible to be too honest but I completely understand you. It is from the best intentions that one does it. Teenagers are utterly self-centred and that's no one's fault. I almost think you need to tell him somehow that you know it's not your fault, you gave him a good and decent upbringing and it is for him to take responsibility. Show him that you are confident that you did everything you possibly could and are not beating yourself up anymore. These are the sentences that stood out for me, I know I'm not the best mum, I have always feared failing, I blame myself. I think that has to stop and you are entitled to be consistent about it. Stop agonising.

For the practical advice, I don't have any, but you must stop blaming yourself and show him that with confidence.

Couldnt bankroll him if we wanted to. We just dont have the money. He has always had what he needs. Never seemed enough though.

You are right apples . Dont want to come over as a martyr (sorry cant spell it), I didnt sit around and wring my hands and wail at him. But I do think he picked up on my insecurities and has definately used some things I have explained to him against me.

He talked to his dad today. He has his hostel place. Even though they said he couldnt because he walked away from it last time, they have given it to him. Its because yesterday's meeting was cancelled and they have to do something with him I suppose.

I am just in shock. This is a well bought up, loved and cared for, intelligent boy, with two parents who look after him, no abuse, no neglect, no DV, no parental drug use, substance abuse etc etc, with a bedroom at home.

And there he is, sat in a homeless young person's hostel in east london.

I just DONT GET IT.

I am glad he has somewhere. I want him to be safe.

I think I am really in proper shock at all this. I am not thinking straight.

Thanks again Maryz.
You would think I would be used to all this drama and stuff by now. But I really cannot get my head round this. I feel like i am standing in the middle of the room with my mouth wide open!

WTF has just happened?

We are lucky, we know where he is, he keeps in contact with OH, as far as I know he is going to college (but as I said before, who bloody wouldnt, doing the course he is doing?).

I think I am in shock with how society has changed as much as with what DS has done. I left home very young but I got a job and somewhere (horrible) to live on my own. It didnt cross my mind to go to the housing or any sort of social agency. My boy has been bought up in a working household and been taught right from wrong, the importance of education etc and yet he knew exactly what to do and where to go.

He is proud of it 'I told you I could do it, you thought I couldnt'

The whole thing has proper freaked me out.

Hey TFMDV, I haven't posted on here for a while, but DS1 is similar to your DS1 and I've noted a few similarities in our situations. We haven't had to deal with sibling death, though DS1's aunt (my SIL) had chronic leukemia, she has just been given the 5 year all clear. DS2 has ASD, SLD & suspected bi polar disorder. He is 17, DS1 is 18 & clever. There are 2 younger DSs, & DS3 also has mild LD.

DS1 was kicked out of school in Feb, but still managed to pass his A levels & has just started at Uni. Make sure your DS applies for his student loan, the deadline is April - just as they are knee deep in revision!

That thing about mobile phones really sounded a chord with me. DS1 now has about 5 mobile numbers, 1 contract, the rest PAYG. He can never charge them, remember where he's left them, decent ones get stolen; he breaks them, breaks the chargers WTF? His younger brothers cope!

Keep on keeping on. I hope I don't have to wait 20 years for DS1 to appreciate his family! I didn't have that option - my Mum died aged 52!

Hi everyone,update.

Thanks cheapskatemum and sorry to hear you have been dealing with so much too.

Meeting yesterday with two SS and DS. For the first time ever I nearly walked away from the whole thing. But I didnt.

Long and emotional. Lots of attacks on me. Lots of avoidance and a fair bit of lying.

He was told in no uncertain terms that he wasnt going to get anywhere because his homelessness is down to his awful behaviour. Not what he wanted to hear but I am glad that he did.

I feel for him so much. he is very unhappy but he will not admit why. He has made up this fantasy to avoid looking at the real problems.

example. He doesnt care about his sister dying. It hasnt affected him. Yet he cannot even look at me when I say her name.

All this stuff has got mixed up with normal rebellion and selfishness and turned into a horrible mess.

He is a boy who has got himself in a really negative mindset and cant get himself out of it.

Its not his fault but he has been his own worst enemy.

He wants to come home which is great but we are insisting he takes up the counselling first. He has a few days grace at the hostel and we think he needs to make some changes first.

The poor kid has been ignoring his sisters illness and death all this time and I think it has now hit him like a brick.

I hate to see him in pain but at least its real and not some mad up excuse for behaving like a git for months.

I really hope this is the start of a change and we get our boy back. I dont think I can cope with any more and I want him to be happy.

Please send good vibes that this particular horribleness will be over soon. I really feel I havnt got much left .

Ta