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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

14 year old son has been suspended.

45 replies

pitchperfect · 15/09/2010 17:47

As it says in the title my eldest son has been suspended from school for being defensive and rude in school. The incident started when he was asked to log out from a banned online combat game in the school library. He should have turned it off, but his class mates were around so he was showing off. The Library teacher physically turned the computer off at the wall. The back chat escalated and my son called the teacher a name. The teacher brought him to see his head of year, but he still refused to apologise and when he was allowed out to collect his bag provided he return to the meeting, he never went back. This happened yesterday but I've found out today. His form teacher said he had many opportunities to step back but he continued to be 'defensive'. As a result he's been suspended for 2 days.

Now, he has a birthday on Monday, his 14th, and much anticipated it has been too. He only wants money as he has a particular gadget he wants to buy. He was to go to his paternal grandmothers for a party there and then come home for another party (well, he and two mates to go to the cinema). As well as that I was giving him money.

So I have told him that his birthday is off. There won't be any money from me and he will not be going to his g/mothers for a party, nor be having friends around or going to the cinema. He's also banned from the Wii.

I am so shocked, we are a church going family and no one in my family has ever been suspended. I know him to be a fairly good mannered child who is not cheeky. I have a great relationship with him and do my best to be a good mum to him. I don't know where I have gone wrong. I am a single parent, the marriage went bad about 6 years ago and since then his father took his own life, after years of mental illness (alcoholism and depression). Despite that I would say we're fairly middle class, I have a good job which is the best of all worlds because I leave work at 3pm. I provide the things the two boys need but admittedly it's not big name labels. I don't want them to stand out to their friends as being without.

I think that since what has happened is so severe that it needs a severe punishment, hence cancellation of his birthday. Last year we had a similar incident(although no suspension) and so I want to know what I can do to prevent incidents like this happening again.

Thanks for reading

OP posts:
cherylvole · 15/09/2010 17:47

"we are a church going family" Hmm

scurryfunge · 15/09/2010 17:54

He has been punished by being suspended. To cancel his whole birthday seems a bit harsh.

I can't think his behaviour has anything to do with going to church or being middle class.

pinkbasket · 15/09/2010 17:55

The fact that you go to Church is irrelevant, as is your perceived class.

Taking away everything is way over the top in my opinion. I also don't see the benefit of him being suspended for 2 days as he will probably like that. I suggest you set him some school work to do during the hours of 9-4pm.

cat64 · 15/09/2010 17:55

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activate · 15/09/2010 17:56

you can't cancel a birthday

usualsuspect · 15/09/2010 17:57

Shock horror! church going ,middle class boys are not perfect

Don't cancel his birthday

Batteryhuman · 15/09/2010 18:01

Divorce, suicide and mental illness. he has had a lot to cope with hasn't he? Many kids without that in the background have got into trouble at school.

cat64 · 15/09/2010 18:04

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Message withdrawn

Original poster
pitchperfect · 15/09/2010 18:06
  • now that I've said what I'm going to do something I have to follow through with it.

Do you not think that suspension is all that serious?

I was honest about our background, please don't flame me for it

BTW, re church going...it's not that I'm particularly religious, it's just I love singing in the Choir and I think it's good for the boys to be involved in their local sunday school/church youth club etc.

OP posts:
pinkbasket · 15/09/2010 18:07

We are not mocking her values Hmm

Original poster
pitchperfect · 15/09/2010 18:08

"Do you have a meeting arranged with the school ? Will they work with you to talk about how to move forwards from this ?"

Yes they're to get in touch with me regarding a 'readmission interview'....even the words make me cry.

OP posts:
booyhoo · 15/09/2010 18:13

you know what, i would still cancel his birthday. yes the school has suspended him but i think he also needs to know how wrong his behaviour was and that not only do the school think that but you do also.

anyway, you have told him it is cancelled now so i don' think you should go back on your word. it wouldn't be a good lesson to teach him. i agree with you setting him school work during the hours he would normally be at school. get any work sent home and make sure he does it.

scurryfunge · 15/09/2010 18:13

Suspension is serious, which is why I don't think he needs much more.

Better to talk to him about managing anger.

You will find it difficult to back down on the punishment but you could re-negotiate his birthday based on say an action plan and assurances regarding his behaviour in school. At the moment what incentive does he have to improve if you have taken everything away?

ShadeofViolet · 15/09/2010 18:14

You cant cancel his birthday - it sounds like he has had alot to deal with.

booyhoo · 15/09/2010 18:15

also, has he explained his behaviour. i think it would be a missed oportunity to punish him but not actually have him accont for his actions. it could also be a cry for help from your son. he may fel he has emotions building up that he doesn't know how to control. this might give him a chance to tell you what's goimg on with him.

2shoes · 15/09/2010 18:16

I wouldn't cancel his birthday, but would be having a long chat with him.
he has been punished by the school(although tbh I think picking up litter at break would have been a better one)
no idea what church and class has to do with the price of chips though

mamatomany · 15/09/2010 18:16

He didn't kill anyone, the message has come from the school his behavior is unacceptable.
However now you have cancelled the Birthday, you can't un-cancel it you'll look a twit.

Original poster
pitchperfect · 15/09/2010 18:18

I can't give him money this weekend after this has happened. It's like say, it's ok - you can behave like that and nothing will happen. Same for having friends around and me paying for them all to go to the cinema.

I'm still dithering about him going to his g/ma's. I haven't phoned her yet to cancel. Also, the trip to the cinema could happen next weekend after a productive week at school, and depending on the outcome of the 'readmission' interview - that word implies he may or may not get back in....

Also, this readdmission interview involves 5 teachers, one of which is the head - and my son and I. I'm already intimidated.

OP posts:
claricebeansmum · 15/09/2010 18:19

Well I have been there.

My DS (14) was suspended from school for 2 days last year. It was bloody awful, after all we are not THAT Hmm sort of family. But we are. And kids do stupid things for all sorts of reasons - I could give excuses/reasons for his behavior but that did not change what he did - which is behavior I do not condone or accept in the home.

During suspension he was up at normal time, into school uniform and sat at the dining table and we made him work. He followed the school timetable and I made him do pages of maths, comprehensions, write essays. And then he did a bit more in the evening as homework. The suspension was enough of a punishment.

I am slightly worried about cancelling his birthday. he will have had his punishment.

What is much more important is to help your son move on. We found a counsellor for our son - there were issues and he was all over the place. A few months of talking to someone who did not judge or was divorced from the immediate problems helped him enormously.

And if it is any consolation until I read your post I had sort of forgotten about it - life moves on. So hang in there. He really needs your support right now. Firm but fair and get him some help.

2shoes · 15/09/2010 18:20

let him go to his grandmas, but tell it is fo her not him....... would that work?

booyhoo · 15/09/2010 18:21

don't be intimidated. they want your son back at school. this is a first suspension. hey will want assurances from him that it won't happen again. and they may request he signs an agreement to confirm this but they are not trying to keep him out of school so don't be intimidated.

LynetteScavo · 15/09/2010 18:21

He's pushed the boundaries, and he's learned where they lie. It's what teenage boys do.

He's had a lot to deal with in his life, but I doubt this has anything to do with that. He sounds like a regular, if cocky, teenager to me.

You are probably feel like you failed, or have failed him in some way right now. I think the "how did I end up with a child who has been suspended?" is normal.

If you feel cancelling his birthday is the way to go, then fair enough. Cancel the cinema with friends, and don't give him the birthday money, but you should still give him a card, a cake and take him to his grandmothers. You gave birth to him 14 years ago, so it's a celebratory day for you too!

Original poster
pitchperfect · 15/09/2010 18:26

Immediately after his Dad's death, both the boys went through a two year programme of counselling. They both got so much out of it.

"let him go to his grandmas, but tell it is fo her not him....... would that work?"

Yes....yes it would. Thank you.

Thanks to every one for your replies. I'll get him a card and a cake, I'm not a complete bitch after all lol

OP posts:
upahill · 15/09/2010 18:26

Pitchperfect.
I hope you are ok once things calm down.

I understand why you explained your background and it is bloody unfair that people mock and take the piss. If you added stuff later it would be like some of the AIBU where they add stuff that would have changed the whole context of the OP.

Anyway, Your lad, Like others have said he has had a lot to cope with. It is still not a reason to by rude and does need nipping in the bud before it gets out of hand. You said there was an incident last year and this time it looks like he has taken things further as he appeared 'to get away ' with it last time.

Maybe the suspension will give him a scare and not as some of the kids I work with some sort of badge of honour.

You have said you are cancelling the birthday. I agree you can't back track otherwise you will lose your authority but you could let the dust settle and have an alternative birthday plan.

I'm not sure what to do in your shoes but I will think about it.

Tanga · 15/09/2010 18:28

I would be devastated if my child was suspended, pitchperfect. It is serious and schools don't do it lightly. It sounds as though there are some issues he needs help with and I'm with you - there's not a chance I'd give one of my kids a huge treat if they'd been suspended. In fact I'm fairly willing to bet that had you come on and posted that he'd been suspended but you thought that was plenty and he was going to have his big birthday bash anyway there would be a bunch of people saying how useless you were and he needed discipline!

That said, a structured response might be in order. Use the treats as rewards for good behaviour (and make sure it is very clear and defined what you mean by that).

Also, it does sound as though he is struggling with masculinity (combat games, showing off in front of mates etc) does he have any male role models?

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