14 year old son has been suspended.

[pitchperfect]

As it says in the title my eldest son has been suspended from school for being defensive and rude in school. The incident started when he was asked to log out from a banned online combat game in the school library. He should have turned it off, but his class mates were around so he was showing off. The Library teacher physically turned the computer off at the wall. The back chat escalated and my son called the teacher a name. The teacher brought him to see his head of year, but he still refused to apologise and when he was allowed out to collect his bag provided he return to the meeting, he never went back. This happened yesterday but I've found out today. His form teacher said he had many opportunities to step back but he continued to be 'defensive'. As a result he's been suspended for 2 days.

Now, he has a birthday on Monday, his 14th, and much anticipated it has been too. He only wants money as he has a particular gadget he wants to buy. He was to go to his paternal grandmothers for a party there and then come home for another party (well, he and two mates to go to the cinema). As well as that I was giving him money.

So I have told him that his birthday is off. There won't be any money from me and he will not be going to his g/mothers for a party, nor be having friends around or going to the cinema. He's also banned from the Wii.

I am so shocked, we are a church going family and no one in my family has ever been suspended. I know him to be a fairly good mannered child who is not cheeky. I have a great relationship with him and do my best to be a good mum to him. I don't know where I have gone wrong. I am a single parent, the marriage went bad about 6 years ago and since then his father took his own life, after years of mental illness (alcoholism and depression). Despite that I would say we're fairly middle class, I have a good job which is the best of all worlds because I leave work at 3pm. I provide the things the two boys need but admittedly it's not big name labels. I don't want them to stand out to their friends as being without.

I think that since what has happened is so severe that it needs a severe punishment, hence cancellation of his birthday. Last year we had a similar incident(although no suspension) and so I want to know what I can do to prevent incidents like this happening again.

Thanks for reading

Perhaps your son needs to have the chance for some more counselling? It might be different issues now - they can be complicated creatures these fridge-emptying-bit-wiffy-grunting-but-oh-so-lovable boys of ours!

It will be OK in the end.

Depending on what the grandparents are like, I'd tell them about the suspension and still send him. If they are sensible they will be able to give him an additional adult perspective on the situation while being one step removed from the emotional immediacy you're feeling.

Agree that days he's missing school through suspension shouldn't be pleasant "messing around" days -- either academic work, or some jobs around the house that need doing (cleaning the oven, say, or scrubbing grouting).

My rule is always that if ds misbehaves in school, the school discipline him as they see fit and I support that.

If he misbehaves at home, it's my job to discipline him. I don't believe in doubling up punishments, myself.

Mumblechum Are you saying you would just carry on as normal?

No, I'd give him a lecture about not misbehaving in the future, but the school are perfectly capable of dealing with misdemeanors in school.

In the same way, if my ds did something wrong at home I would punish him for that but wouldn't expect the school to punish him on top.

Would you extend that logic to any other establishment that provides a service for children? A youth club? Swimming baths? If your child swore at anyone else would you consider it their responsibility to punish them?

The very fact that the child has been suspended shows that the misdemeanor has gone beyond what the school can cope with. If your child refused to do homework and played on computer games and walked off when you were dealing with it, would you want the school to tell him it didn't matter and in fact as a special reward he was being taken to Alton Towers?

It's a partnership. And not even an equal partnership. Whilst the OP may well have reacted with shock and horror that might be a bit OTT, as a parent I would not want to ignore the issues raised by the behaviour by simply passing it off as the school's responsibility.

do you know what? After the things he has been through, a meeting with CAHMS wouldn't go amiss...

He will get better. He will be a "good boy" again. He just needs you to be a rock.

And it is OK to not go the whole hog with a punishment. Compromise. If he apologises to the teacher he name called, birthday is back on??

Tbh when I first got the phone call from school I would have banned him from breathing itself if it had been a viable option. To say I was hopping mad is an understatement.

Thanks to 2shoes it's been made clear the visit to g/ma's is going ahead because they've likely already bought and prepared for it. It's for her benefit not his, and I would not have thought of that by myself.

Scurryfunge, I got your point about having an incentive, and not taking that away from him. I have made it clear that the trip to the cinema can go ahead the following weekend depending on the outcome of the meeting and his behaviour at school. I think he needs something to work towards.

I think I can see the positive in this. He learns where the line is, now that he's crossed it. He also learns that it's preferable to nip things in the bud - after all he'd just said sorry at the beginning, or even just turned the game off - then it wouldn't have gone so far. It was a corner he backed himself into needlessly.

I also agree that there may be a time when more counselling is needed, as he grows into a young man with different thought processes and problems. I don't know what form that would take but I know the school he goes to have an excellent pastoral care worker who has seen him on a weekly basis in the past and would do so again if I asked.

He was moved from a class he liked into a class he didn't last year. Firstly, there was the stigma of being moved from the A class to the B class, then he left his buddies behind - and additionally he doesn't like the kids in the new class (they're chavs according to him). He's struggling to fit in to a class who haven't accepted him and I think what happened on this occasion was him trying to be cool in front of them, to be accepted. I'll be telling the teachers that at his readmission interview. I've told them that before. But I don't know what the solution is. He can't move back up to the A class because the work was so much it undermined his confidence. Now he can handle the work, with ease, but is not accepted by the other kids.

Tanga, the only real male role model he has is my Dad, who is quite a good one but he's definately not going to talk about feelings.

He thought alot of his father who was a musician and he is trying to be a musician too. It's difficult for him because his father chose to leave him. That is something that will be with them both for all of their lives.

'CAHMS' - sorry if this is an obvious question but what is that?

Ah right. We didn't go through that system, we're lucky that we have a wellbeing centre in my town. It's the kind of place where you can get anything from swinging crystals to yoga. I got my two signed up to Art Therapy, one to one, with a trained counsellor each. It's funded through various grants and some local fundraising too.

I even used their services myself when I found I wasn't coping emotionally, thank goodness for places like that.

i really feel for you going thru this on your own. my DS is only just starting with the attitude and i'm finding it difficult to cope already but at least i've hubbie to talk things thru. I lost my mum quite suddenly when i was 15 but although on the face of it I was coping - believe me I wasn't, I wish my dad had arranged counselling for me, I eventually got it years later and it really helped. I just felt that I couldn't talk to my dad for fear of upsetting him (I'd never seen him cry before losing my mum and that was a real shock) and I wasn't close to my sister either so just bottled everything up. if you think that your DS has all this going on on top of the normal teenage hormones plus the body changing but maybe not wanting to talk to you about it, then it could lead to a little bit of anger and not knowing how to handle it. there are lots of places which offer couselling specially for young people, you can do searches on internet for your local services, schools usually just tell you to go to your GP which can take months before you get an initial appt. connexions can also refer your son without this wait.

I'd have done the same as you with regards to his birthday treats but think twice about cancelling his gran - she might need the visit as much as he does. he might feel that she is the only link he has with his dad's memory now. also try other ways to keep his birthday special - fav foods, pizza a film night, etc etc.

just remember - it's not your parenting, you have your beliefs and standards, he'll come thru it but he does need his boundaries. Let him make the mistakes but make sure he learns from them.

pitchperfect glad that helped, I hope you all have a nice time there(if his Grandma is anything like my MIL I would have got in trouble for cancelling )

How's things Pitchperfect?

I have one remorseful little boy who has now turned 14 and I'm really pleased in some ways. He could have gone any way, got more cocky and unbearable, or even sunk into a depression. Instead he's taken it all on the chin. He went back to school for the first time today and he sought out the respective teachers and apologised, and told them he was showing off because the other lads from his class were there. The Library teacher shook his hand and they've agreed to have a fresh start.

I've got a meeting with them all tomorrow morning. I'm not looking forward to it one bit but it has to be done.

Well done pitchperfect, it sounds like you handled it really well in the end! I hope it goes ok tomorrow and that you can all move on from this.

Wishing you the best, pitchperfect. You sound like a great parent to me.

pitchperfect,

You'll be fine. It sounds like you've tried your best to deal with this situation, your son has behaved like an adult with regard to the sanctions that result from his bad behaviour and everyone seems happy to start a new page, as it were.

Remember, teachers - even HEADTEACHERS - are only human beings, and they can also sometimes have kids that "go off the rails" for a bit.

You can take another person with you into the meeting if you like - a supportive friend, maybe or your mum or dad.

I am presuming that the school are aware of what happened to your sons' dad. Put it to your son before the meeting that he might find it useful to have a "time-out card" for times when he feels that life is getting too on top of him, and if he likes that idea (and you don' think he would abuse it) then ask them about it. It won't be a new concept to them, and your son could have it for a specific amount of time - till Christmas or the end of the school year, or whatever.

Thankyou for the nice comments. I am very interested in this 'time out card' and will google it now so I have some idea of the concept. I find this forum very interesting, funny and totally informative and I'm sure I'll get loads of great advice from you lot in the future. In fact, I think I NEED this forum.