Just read all the teen tread titles - roll on the teen years

[Wottknott]

One teen already, one to follow shortly - now I know why my mother used to say "you wait till there're teens"

It's a whole new ball game.

i agree,
I think a lot of parents are in for a shock in the future when they realise it isn't that bad.

nottirednow - it's a shame that when we say something's not as bad as we were expecting we come across as smug. For me there's no smugness, just a blessed sense of relief and a desperate hope that things will not deteriorate and that when my other two hit teenage years I'll know what to do. I don't think I have ever, in my life felt 'smug' as a parent. You think you've got one thing sussed and they throw something new at you.

Sorry for brief hijack - prob not worth starting a new thread about.

Ds's friend is on ADs. He's 16. I presume that he's not supposed to drink. I know that he does, and recently found his hipflask (smelling of some sort of spirit) in ds's room.

Leaving aside the bollocking of ds, but bearing in mind the fact that ds tells me a whole load of things, some of which are in confidence about his friend, and that I know the friend's mum and she complains all the time that her son doesn't talk to her about anything, do I:

Break ds's confidence and tell her that her son is drinking?

can you ask your DS? Assume he knows his friend should not be drinking - does he realise why he should be encouraging his friend not too. Is drinking becoming an issue on its own IYSWIM

Do you know the friend? Could you talk to him?

I guess I am getting at whether the friend is having a crafty sip and should be encouraged not to or if ADs plus drink indicate he is on a downwrad slide.
If it was the latter I would talk to his mum.

Hard to help whilst protectingyour sons trust in your keeping his confidences. But at times 'adults' have to take charge

ds did go through a stage where he nearly went off the rails, he was being bullied at school and hanging out with the wrong kids after school.
but at the end of the day he walked away, because he saw it was wrong iynwim, so I think you have to have a little faith, hopefully they will see it for themselves before it gets too bad(hope that makes sense)

maryz

good point about your own experience shaping how you view everything else.
I take that on board. Especially if said 'difficult' teen has had excellent parenting and it is hard to see why he/she can remain so challenging

I was one of eight children born in a ten year period. So I grew up watching teenagers and it is interesting how differently they/we all reacted to the same circumstances and the same parents .

Hey 2 shoes - thanks for kind words earlier. I am nottaking this personally and hope I don't sound so. But loveley that you are being all mumsie

Pag, ds has already talked to his friend and suggested that he doesn't drink. I'm not supposed to know about the fact that he's on ADs, ds told me in confidence. His mate is, I fear, in danger of going off the rails, I know his mum quite well and she's concerned because his grades are dropping through the floor (he's at grammar and v bright, but told ds that the more his parents nag him about school the less work he wants to do).

He's a really lovely lad, and I don't want to get him into any more trouble. Two weeks ago he was at our house, I stupidly assumed that his parents realised that they'd arranged a sleepover, but they called at 12 at night, frantic as they didn't know where he was and he'd previously stayed out till 3am. Then last weekend he and ds were beaten up by gatecrashers who were walking out of a party with a stereo & computer. DS called me straight away, his friend didn't mention anything and I inadvertantly told them, as it hadn't occurred to me that they didn't know. He's v v secretive, whereas ds tells me, not everything, but a LOT.

It would be hard for me to raise the drinking direct with the friend as I'm not supposed to know about the ADs.

Maryz for your poor ds and his friend.

Oh that is really difficult.

I think I would talk to his parents tbh, trying to limit myself to the issues I was aware of and not the ones my DS had talked about.
Could you meet her in a chat type way rather than a grassing him up/ I have something to tell you way?

You may then be able to express your concerns and let her talk about her worries with someone who like/values her son. That in itself may help her in trying to help him?

Hmm, I think I'll think it over for a couple of days. The friend is grounded at the moment so not expecting to see him for a few days, and I want to take some time to think it through properly. I tend to go in all gung-ho sometimes and really don't want to make things worse.