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Original poster

Any groups of parents delaying smartphones together?

84 replies

SamianaJones · 29/08/2023 10:27

Has anyone tried connecting with other parents locally to delay smartphones together? The idea is to stop kids without smartphones from being left out.

We don't want our kids, 7 and 9, to have smartphones until they are older, maybe about 14. We feel its too much responsibility with too many risks like inappropriate content, cyber-bullying, social anxiety, app addiction, profiling, data rights, grooming, you name it. So, they have a basic phone with no wifi and with a calls and texts only SIM for safety if they go out. But we are worried as more of their friends get smartphones and social media they will be left out.

I'm sure we aren't alone. There must be other parents in our community whose kids will be joining ours in secondary school. If we could get connected then we could delay smartphones together and know that our children wont be the only ones without them. But how can I reach them? I asked the schools and the Parent Council/PTA if they could send an email to other parents about it but they couldn't help. This seems to have worked in America. Has anyone here tried to do this?
Any ideas for how parents can get in touch with other parents locally who want to delay smartphones together? Do you think its a good idea?

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Outilondon · 31/08/2023 09:47

My dc is 13 and no smartphone. Their school has a tech survey and there are others in the year with no smart phone. Maybe 15 kids. The (private) school is generally quite anti smart phone which helps

welshweasel · 31/08/2023 10:36

I don't know any 7 or 9 year olds with a phone, let alone a smartphone!

When they do get a phone - generally end of primary/start of secondary, then a smartphone is so much more functional than a basic phone, it's just important to have plenty of chats about online safety and monitor their use.

Nicesalad · 31/08/2023 14:26

I understand your concerns but this is the world we now live in and you have to move with it.

We don't actually have to "move with it" and it's only the world we live in because that's the choice a lot of parents make.

If most parents said no most 11 year olds wouldn't have smart phones. It's a choice. I think the OP is asking other parents to make the choice not to give their children smart phones until they're a bit older. And there's nothing wrong with that.

FOffULEZ · 31/08/2023 16:00

All I'd say is, even though they've only got basic phones, make sure they are 4G-capable phones if their SIMs are using the Three mobile network, i.e. Three plus any others that piggyback on their network - see here: https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/mobiles/piggybacking/

That is because Three are switching off their 3G network next year and they don't have a 2G network, so non-4G phones won't work on Three any more after that.
The other UK networks that are in the process of switching 3G off, i.e. EE/BT and Vodafone, have 2G networks so non-4G handsets will still be able to make calls and send texts on the 2G network.

Bananaanaana · 31/08/2023 16:07

It absolutely is a choice. There are many adults now choosing not to have social media and even smartphones.

mambojambodothetango · 31/08/2023 16:53

Our 12 year old spends more time than I'd like on his phone, however there are lots of things you can do: We have all the adult content filters you can get;
It switches off except for calls at a time we set (we chose 8.30pm til 7am);
Phone stays downstairs at night;
Not allowed TikTok, Snapchat etc;
We know password and regularly check it;
In term time we give him limited time on it (you set this on the phone so it cuts off when time is up) - we chose 2 hours on a school day, 3 hours at weekend but that's up to you. We don't bother in school holidays, but we could.
We've not had any fall outs due to WhatsApp and I think my son is very aware of grooming and scams etc.
Having said all that, I'd love the culture of phone buying to be pushed back a few years!

unlikelychump · 31/08/2023 17:06

Towdalinenow · 30/08/2023 22:14

Ex Police came into our school and advised against restricting access. They call people like yourself “clifftop parents”. They travel round the country advising schools and parents on Esafety.

Better to let them have access younger when you can still guide them, influence them. You need to prepare children, make sure they feel comfortable coming to you and sharing their concerns. Build trust. Have fun online together.

They were called the two Johns - google them for advice.

Not the advice from our police safeguarding teams.

Original poster
SamianaJones · 01/09/2023 14:11

PictureFrameWindow · 30/08/2023 22:31

I would agree with you and would also delay smartphones. And I'd want you to put a message on the informal WhatsApp for the school and on the school circular.

Thanks PictureFrameWindow. Unfortunately our school doesn't have an informal whatsApp or anything like that. Just individual class chats. Its a small school and next door is a large primary school, the kids will be together when they go up to the academy. I haven't managed to find a way to effectively reach parents outside of my own kids class. Ive tried the headteacher and the parent council and the local authority but they dont want to have anything to do with it. The Scottish Government is very pro-technology in schools, including smartphones, games, social media etc. We've had incidents of cyber bullying, outside of school just the other day in a sports club there was an incident involving an inappropriate image being posted online from the changing rooms, still everyone denies theres any risk or any problem with smartphones. I repeat, kids can use a basic phone to stay in touch and for safety. Doesnt need internet or a camera. whats the issue here? Its just common sense to me but i seem to be in a minority which still blows my mind.

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Original poster
SamianaJones · 01/09/2023 14:24

Bananaanaana · 30/08/2023 22:08

These threads are always full of people saying ‘just do what’s right for you and don’t preach to anyone else’, ignoring the blindingly obvious fact that collective action by parents (and schools) is much more likely to be effective with an issue like this. Instead of 50 parents thinking ‘I don’t want Johnny to have a phone but I’m giving him one so he’s not left out’, they’re thinking ‘I know I can hold off because other parents are’.

I think it’s a great idea OP. Some parents did it recently in Ireland. If school aren’t being that helpful I reckon you need to recruit a core group of parents who then spread the idea by word of mouth.

Thanks Bananaanaana, ...that's what I want to do. Just finding it hard to get the message out. I heard about the thing in Ireland. It shows that other parents and teachers out there do feel the same and it shows that change is possible. Id like to see more of this hapening.

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Original poster
SamianaJones · 01/09/2023 19:18

FrenchandSaunders · 31/08/2023 09:29

Better to introduce them to it at the end of primary/beginning of secondary school and have parental controls and lots of conversations about social media/grooming/sexting/porn .......

That's harder to do if you hand a phone over at 14/15.

Whatever you try to do they will be left out if you leave it until that age ... I understand your concerns but this is the world we now live in and you have to move with it.

I mean, come on first smartphone at 15 ... off to Reading/Leeds festival the following year! It doesn't make sense. What other stuff are you going to try and hold off?

Makes sense enough to me I'm afraid. What else would I hold off? Other things that aren't appropriate for kids, sex, prn, driving a car, smoking, alcohol, drugs, films that are rated 15 and 18. Anything that ain't for kids ain't for kids. I think smartphones and social media should be in this category. People think parental controls make smartphones and social media safe for kids but I don't buy that. I think there are fundamental properties of social media and smartphones that make them unsuitable for kids. I don't accept that its 'just the world we live in'. Its not the world I want for my kids childhood and im trying to make it better.

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Isthisexpected · 01/09/2023 19:20

Bananaanaana · 30/08/2023 22:25

And I think the idea is to get together with parents who think the same way, not to persuade the ones who don’t.

I would love something like this.

Cloudburstings · 01/09/2023 19:29

Bananaanaana · 30/08/2023 22:08

These threads are always full of people saying ‘just do what’s right for you and don’t preach to anyone else’, ignoring the blindingly obvious fact that collective action by parents (and schools) is much more likely to be effective with an issue like this. Instead of 50 parents thinking ‘I don’t want Johnny to have a phone but I’m giving him one so he’s not left out’, they’re thinking ‘I know I can hold off because other parents are’.

I think it’s a great idea OP. Some parents did it recently in Ireland. If school aren’t being that helpful I reckon you need to recruit a core group of parents who then spread the idea by word of mouth.

Agree with this.

and yes. I have just started this discussion among parents of children going into year 6 so turning 11 this school year.

aim is to delay getting smart phones until year 9. Though let them have a non smart phone when they start waking to school alone.

i work in online safety.

It is CRAZY it’s become normal for 11 year olds having smart phones.

they are addictive and a gateway to all sorts of developmental issues and serious dangers.

We’ll look back on it like we did smoking and say ‘we knew it was damaging , why didn’t we act sooner?’

new rules and regulations are coming, but not soon enough for kids at the end of primary now.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 01/09/2023 20:06

I think it's a good idea as well, if I had my time again dd would t get a mobile until she was at least 13yo.

I was fairly strict with dd, she wasn't allowed any social media until she was 15/16, her phone was not allowed in her bedroom and I was able to check it whenever I wanted up until she was 16.

She wasn't left out socially afaik 🤷‍♀️

Shinytaps · 01/09/2023 20:10

I'm with you and would love this sort of collective agreement but there is no way it will happen. Parents are know seem oblivious to the risks.

PardonMadame · 01/09/2023 22:25

Why have you given 7 and 9 year old a phone?

Most kids don't have a phone until Y6 or Y7 here. Unfortunately it is a smartphone that they do get then.

Dd is 13 and has screen time limets in place for all apps and the whole phone.

Nicesalad · 01/09/2023 22:52

PardonMadame · 01/09/2023 22:25

Why have you given 7 and 9 year old a phone?

Most kids don't have a phone until Y6 or Y7 here. Unfortunately it is a smartphone that they do get then.

Dd is 13 and has screen time limets in place for all apps and the whole phone.

I don't think children should have phones. But a few years ago Y6 children didn't have smartphones, a few years before that most adults didn't have a smartphone etc etc.

Things change all the time. Why wouldn't she give a 7 and 9 year old a phone? Why is 11 ok now when it wasn't a few years ago?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/09/2023 22:52

So, they have a basic phone with no wifi and with a calls and texts only SIM for safety if they go out

Where exactly are you letting your 7 and 9yo "go out"? Surely at that age its playing on the street in front of the house at most?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/09/2023 22:53

Why wouldn't she give a 7 and 9 year old a phone?

Why would she? What does a 7 and 9yo need with a phone?

Nicesalad · 01/09/2023 22:58

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 01/09/2023 22:53

Why wouldn't she give a 7 and 9 year old a phone?

Why would she? What does a 7 and 9yo need with a phone?

She's probably a few years ahead I would say. A few years ago people were saying : *Why would she? What does an 11 year old need with a phone?". The age it's considered acceptable for children to have smart phones just keeps getting lower and lower.

Personally I don't think any child should have a smartphone. My 14 year old doesn't have one

TeenLifeMum · 01/09/2023 23:06

We gave dd1 a phone as she started secondary (they use them in school and would be difficult without). We learned this was a mistake. Dtds were given phones the Christmas before starting secondary which gave us the chance to teach them how to use them. We have rules:

  1. only WhatsApp (no other social media until year 10).
  2. WhatsApp is for individual conversations and small groups with purpose - no big groups like whole class groups etc (too much bullying and access to people they wouldn’t usually speak to… learned this one from dd1’s experience.
  3. phones stay downstairs.
  4. after 6pm phones go on the charging station.

All rules discussed and reasons given but overall, it’s my role as a parent to teach my dc to use technology safely. I truly feel that doing it too late you lose the opportunity to teach as teens regularly feel they know best and peer pressure will be there. Too young and they don’t understand. For us, 10.5 was perfect. They’re now 12 and 15. None are addicted to phones, they leave them home when we go out (their choice). Dd1 has instagram and posts photos of mushrooms and sunsets. I ask to put their phones down to unload the dishwasher etc and they do, without argument.

what I’m saying is phones aren’t evil and my approach seems to be working well.

i do have full access to their phones, they know not to send a message that they wouldn’t want their headteacher to read or their grandmother. Dd1 has earned my trust so I don’t check her phone but she knows that if I am worried about her and she’s not talking to me I will check. I only check to identify where they need support/teaching, never to discipline.

TeenLifeMum · 01/09/2023 23:16

Should add that dc homework is all on Google classroom and they access it to check on their phones from year 7. Getting a smart phone doesn’t have to mean TikTok etc.

Nicesalad · 01/09/2023 23:19

TeenLifeMum · 01/09/2023 23:16

Should add that dc homework is all on Google classroom and they access it to check on their phones from year 7. Getting a smart phone doesn’t have to mean TikTok etc.

But they could do that on a tablet/ laptop/PC, couldn't they'? I think it's wrong that schools expect children to have their own phones in order to access education.

TeenLifeMum · 01/09/2023 23:23

@Nicesalad they could but what’s the difference? None of my dc own a tablet… because their phones do that job. In my area it’s very uncommon for dc to start secondary without a phone. It’s like part of the equipment. That said, there’s no pressure or snobbery re phone make etc. dc are on payg so predominantly use them on Wi-Fi. In tutor class they occasionally all play among us together. I don’t think they’re the enemy when used with caution.

Original poster
SamianaJones · 02/09/2023 09:40

AIBU? I posted the following message to the local town FB page and they haven't approved it AIBU? "Any parents wishing to delay smartphones and social media please pm me. A few of us are already doing this."

Why wouldn't they approve that?

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Original poster
SamianaJones · 02/09/2023 09:53

Shinytaps · 01/09/2023 20:10

I'm with you and would love this sort of collective agreement but there is no way it will happen. Parents are know seem oblivious to the risks.

You don't think any other parents will be encouraged to delay smartphones if they hear others are doing it? It's worked in America. Is there a good reason it wouldn't work here?

Another thing that's working in America is that they have phones designed for kids. They are really popular. Gabby phone and Bark phone are 2 examples. It's frustrating that no products like that are available here. Here in the UK there are SIM cards marketed as being safe for kids but actually they don't offer any extra control when it comes to internet access over wifi!

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