Any groups of parents delaying smartphones together?

[SamianaJones]

Has anyone tried connecting with other parents locally to delay smartphones together? The idea is to stop kids without smartphones from being left out.

We don't want our kids, 7 and 9, to have smartphones until they are older, maybe about 14. We feel its too much responsibility with too many risks like inappropriate content, cyber-bullying, social anxiety, app addiction, profiling, data rights, grooming, you name it. So, they have a basic phone with no wifi and with a calls and texts only SIM for safety if they go out. But we are worried as more of their friends get smartphones and social media they will be left out.

I'm sure we aren't alone. There must be other parents in our community whose kids will be joining ours in secondary school. If we could get connected then we could delay smartphones together and know that our children wont be the only ones without them. But how can I reach them? I asked the schools and the Parent Council/PTA if they could send an email to other parents about it but they couldn't help. This seems to have worked in America. Has anyone here tried to do this?
Any ideas for how parents can get in touch with other parents locally who want to delay smartphones together? Do you think its a good idea?

No, I think you have to just do what you want to do and let other parents do what they want to do. You’ll never get the whole year group on board and if you did get a small group interested, they might not be friends with your kids anyway.

even with smartphones kids can be left out I find. I won’t let my 11 yo have Snapchat. I’m not arsed what the other parents do. I don’t like that I can’t see the messages on it so he can have it when he’s 13. He is a bit put out by this but there we go. He has WhatsApp which I feel is plenty at age 11.

Thanks. Fair point. I just think that there is a lot of social pressure to get kids smartphones and its not neccesarily a good move. even school seem to expect them to have one and I'm not going to put up with that. Other parents might feel the same and might be encouraged to withold giving their kids a smartphone if they know they aren't the only ones in the area but I'm not sure how to go about it.

My son wasn't allowed any phone at all until he started secondary school, let alone at the ages of yours. Same with my daughter. Why do they need a phone at that age? Phones were banned at our primary school so it wasn't an issue. However, if you carry on with this when they go to secondary, you risk making your kids the odd ones out and separate from their peers.

There is enough parental control options out there to assist with safety. My son can't search YouTube (he can use the kids version) and he doesn't have Snapchat or other social media but he does use WhatsApp as all his peers do. I keep a close eye. I don't think your proposal is realistic these days to be honest. You do you 🤷🏻‍♀️.

"you risk making them the odd ones out" ...well that's exactly the risk I want to deal with. Its good to be different and all that but I don't really want them to be the only ones without a smartphone. If I can let other parents in the area know that together we can delay smartphones then it solves that problem. I'm not talking about ALL parents doing it. Just those that want to.

It would be good to know that other parents were also withholding giving their child a smartphone. But I know that as things are, most parents do give their kids smartphones. I don't expect that to change. I'm not trying to change anybody's mind about it. I just want those parents who already have doubts about giving their child a smartphone to know that their child doesnt have to be the only one without one if a few of us delay together. This might give some parents the confidence to choose to delay whereas otherwise they wouldn't have. The problem is, how to reach these parents to let them know about it?

You have to make your own parenting choice. DS (12) didn't have a phone until he started secondary school. Some of his friends did, but he knew our rules.
He has one now, but doesn't take it to school and has very limited social media - he only has WhatsApp and as well as a couple of family groups has a few friends on individual chats and one group chat for a sporting activity he does.
I'm a safeguarding lead in a school, he knows why we have these rules. It is not that I don't trust him, but he and is friends are too young to understand and navigate social media. It never fails to shock me how surprised parents are when they allow social media/ internet access too young and it goes wrong.

Most children around me don’t get smart phones until year 6. All my three had one for their 11tb birthday. They’re older and we haven’t gad any issues.
DDs school don’t allow smart phones til year 9 on the school bus. TBh it’s a right pain as I can’t track her location!
both DS’s can’t use school transport without a smart phone.

if you just don’t like certain apps, just don’t put them in their phones.

These threads are always full of people saying ‘just do what’s right for you and don’t preach to anyone else’, ignoring the blindingly obvious fact that collective action by parents (and schools) is much more likely to be effective with an issue like this. Instead of 50 parents thinking ‘I don’t want Johnny to have a phone but I’m giving him one so he’s not left out’, they’re thinking ‘I know I can hold off because other parents are’.

I think it’s a great idea OP. Some parents did it recently in Ireland. If school aren’t being that helpful I reckon you need to recruit a core group of parents who then spread the idea by word of mouth.

Ex Police came into our school and advised against restricting access. They call people like yourself “clifftop parents”. They travel round the country advising schools and parents on Esafety.

Better to let them have access younger when you can still guide them, influence them. You need to prepare children, make sure they feel comfortable coming to you and sharing their concerns. Build trust. Have fun online together.

They were called the two Johns - google them for advice.

Great idea OP.

both DS’s can’t use school transport without a smart phone
Are you sure? What about parents who can't afford a smartphone? Or just don't want their child to have one?

I heard a head teacher from this town talking about it on woman's hour a couple of months ago.

amp.theguardian.com/technology/2023/jun/03/much-easier-to-say-no-irish-town-unites-in-smartphone-ban-for-young-children

The piece of advice my daughter took away from the two Johns was don’t trust anyone who wants to look at your feet! She is only young, but information like this will mean she has a drip, drip effect to learn how to keep herself safe online. Imagine if she were let loose with a smartphone age 14, I think it’s a really bad idea to shield them. They will just end up naive and more vulnerable!

Both of ours had their first phones just before the end of Year 6 so they could swap numbers and make WhatsApp groups with primary friends before they went their separate ways. I'm sure that is why they stayed in touch - just yesterday we took DS13 and some of his primary friends out for the day. Also we felt it was important to have phones so they could call us if they got stranded/bus late etc.

(I wouldn't have been persuaded not to do that just because other parents decided not to)

I honestly don’t agree with this @Towdalinenow . It doesn’t have to be complete immersion aged 14. I have a friend who said her DS could have a phone but he’d have to earn the money and buy it himself. Which he finally managed aged 15. I think that’s fair enough - I’d never have expected my parents to buy expensive gadgets when I was a child.

And I think the idea is to get together with parents who think the same way, not to persuade the ones who don’t.

I would agree with you and would also delay smartphones. And I'd want you to put a message on the informal WhatsApp for the school and on the school circular.

Not neccessarily. There are lots of things we don't let children do that you learn to do responsibly when you are older.

even school seem to expect them to have one and I'm not going to put up with that

Obviously you put all the safety precautions in place and have full access to everything when they are younger though. They’re not seeing age inappropriate stuff. But you dripfeed the dark side and explain how to keep safe and have healthy open conversations.

I used to think I’d ban phones until they were older teens. But then I heard the 2 Johns (ex policemen and specialise in monitoring online grooming by paedophiles) explained really clearly why restricting access to when they’re much older is a not a great idea. You have little influence and control when they are more independent teens. You want to get alongside them when they are younger and educate them to have safe and positive attitudes/ habits.

I’m glad my Kid’s primary school organised the 2 Johns sessions as I was planning to keep my kids away from phones as late as possible. They worked with the kids, teachers and parents and educated us all on how to keep kids safe online.

In my heart, I want to keep my kids away from phones and social media, but I know I can’t and that the best approach is to expose them slowly and hold their hand as long as they’ll let you.

^ That was a reply to @Nicesalad

I honestly don’t see why you can’t ‘get alongside’ a 14/15 year old or why you can’t keep them off social media. I know plenty of teens who are not on social media and it’s not unheard of to have a good relationship with your parents even as a teenager. These police officers might know about grooming but there is no one correct way to parent.

You’re joking right?! The average teen is not going to engage in lengthy constructive discussions with their parents. You listen to your peers more as a teen than your parents. Maybe I live in a different world to you…

Also Social Media is a huge category. It includes YouTube and WhatsApp. I don’t think you can realistically keep kids off social media until age 14/15 as they’ll effectively be excluded from social life and networks.

Yes I think we live in different worlds. But that’s fine, this movement isn’t for everyone.

Better to introduce them to it at the end of primary/beginning of secondary school and have parental controls and lots of conversations about social media/grooming/sexting/porn .......

That's harder to do if you hand a phone over at 14/15.

Whatever you try to do they will be left out if you leave it until that age ... I understand your concerns but this is the world we now live in and you have to move with it.

I mean, come on first smartphone at 15 ... off to Reading/Leeds festival the following year! It doesn't make sense. What other stuff are you going to try and hold off?

My dd (youngest of 5 so I'd had learning time) had one in y7 but with very strict rules as I had realised the earlier the better to stream good practices. My older dd used to be glued to hers and behave like an addict when I tried to remove it.
Dd2 aged 12 ill automatically leave it downstairs at bedtime and also knows that I may do spot checks as I have her password.
She's pretty easy and good natured still at the moment and her mates all have similar rules for their phones so far so good.