Surrogacy with no kids?

[Sabsational]

Ok, hear me out.

I want to experience pregnancy and childbirth, but I am finally (after 20yrs of abusive relationships) in a loving, secure and healthy relationship. Problem is he doesn't want children.

After discussions with my therapist, I've decided it's not worth giving up such a good relationship to have a child with potentially someone who is not good for me.

So my thought to "scratch that itch" is to have a baby for someone else. I know surro agencies won't be interested because I don't have any of my own children, so are there any private forums I can find potential matches?

Thank you

I think you maybe need to talk more with your therapist, this is such a bad idea.

Have you given any thought to the rights and needs of the baby you’d be creating then abandoning to scratch this itch?

Good lord. This is nuts. Think you need a different therapist tbh

Well I don’t think that is a reason to be a surrogate. If you said that to a couple no way would they pick you as the risk of you wanting to keep the baby is high, particularly in the UK where laws mean you would remain the legal mother. You would complicate things, particularly with hormones.

What you really want is a child…

This is a really bad idea, for the poor little baby, for you and your partner. I think you need a better therapist.

That won't scratch your itch. If you want a baby, it will devastate you to hand your baby over to another woman. Even if you think, in theory, that it's a good idea. Your hormones alone will be crying out for that baby.

Hard no.

Don't carry a baby for another couple wanting your own. You'll be hurt. The couple'll be hurt.

if this is a genuine post - please do continue talking with your therapist.
Because this is a not a normal or healthy (or even sane) thing you are talking about.

People either want to have a child, or chose not to. It is not about being pregnant / giving birth. It ja about having a child in your life - or not.
Do you fully realise what you are giving up by staying with your bf????

Wanting to experience pregnancy/childbirth is not an itch to scratch. And you should not be a surrogate for this sort of reason. A baby is not a toy for you to ‘experience’.
Sorry to be harsh.

This is a terrible idea, sorry. I think maybe one person in a million would be mentally robust enough to be a surrogate without suffering significant harm. I don’t think this sounds like you.

if you want a baby, have one without your partner

A professional suggested this? They should be struck off.

I agree

Scratching an itch by creating a motherless child for sport is unspeakably cruel.

Surely you haven’t run this past your therapist and got their approval?

This is a terrible idea OP, it will destroy you. Being a surrogate when you want a baby yourself is a horrendous idea.

Sorry, no. This is a terrible idea. Honestly pregnancy and birth are not things you can anticipate how you'll feel until you've experiencing them. I'm wary of surrogacy anyway, but if a woman who had experienced having her own children, was 100% sure she wanted to do it, I could least feel like she's going into it eyes open. But to do it when you've not had your own children, but would like your own, is madness. I imagine it could cause you a lot of emotional confusion, conflict and potentially trauma to go through the process, only to hand the child over and be left with empty arms.

I think you need to explore this more with your therapist. To consider this suggests you want a child more than perhaps you're allowing yourself to admit.

Eeeeeeeeeek. Google ‘4th degree tear’ and see if being pregnant and giving birth is still an itch you want to scratch. You could wreck your body and not even get a squishy baby to take home to sweeten the deal.

And obviously echo all of the PPs above saying speak to your therapist.

Don’t do this. It will destroy you.

Sack your therapist.

Do not underestimate the devastating effect that doing this will have on your psyche. You may get through the pregnancy, birth, handover and adoption legalities with your determination intact but at some point the enormity of having done this will hit you, and the impact of that will never leave you. And nothing will heal, for that baby, the hurt that will come on realising that they were created as a product to be transferred on demand like a thing. I do not say this from judgementalism but from experience.

Either make your peace with not being a mother, or regretfully end the relationship and become a mother.

I’ve had secondary infertility and often considered ivf and a surrogate as had horrendous issues when I was pregnant with dd. I always think about it and wish I had the courage to look for a surrogates but then I think about the complications I had when pregnant and worry about the risks to someone else of if I went ahead with that so I’ve never done more than think about it.

What the actual?

It doesnt actually sound like a loving secure healthy relationship if YOU long for children and he doesnt.

The therapist shouldnt be telling you this is a healthy relationship, for a start.

I think there is something odd about a therapist making pronouncements of these kinds to you. The man is not giving you what you need. How is that healthy or secure?

Believe in yourself and that starts with valuing your own needs

Don’t do it. It’s not safe for you and that’s not fair to this lovely man you have now found. Please value him and your relationship.

theconversation.com/surrogacy-is-booming-but-new-research-suggests-these-pregnancies-could-be-higher-risk-for-women-and-babies-239574

Re reading, I don't think your therapist has suggested surrogate - you have leapt to this conclusion.
It's a form of risk taking behaviour - it's as if you are trying to sabotage your happy relationship in some way.
That's what you need to think about

The desire to have a child is a very normal biological urge, but the desire to be a PARENT is the main bit and you seem to have reframed it as something entirely physical almost outside yourself. It's a form of disassociation from your body and your needs and desires

Please be kind to yourself

Multiple catastrophic results likely here OP. How old are you? If you are under 35 really consider standing on your own and trying to become a single parent. If you're older you won't be a good selection for surrogacy even without the massively suboptimal reasons for you thinking of it.

What about when during pregnancy that itch turns into being a mother and bringing up the child?

Also if you’ve had 20 years of above relationships (I’m sorry to hear this), I’m assuming you would be an older mum which carries more risk. Is that additional risk worth it to carry someone else’s child just to experience pregnancy?