Surrogacy expensive

[Jodifer10]

My message pretty much is do all surrogates have to be paid so much money? Is there any surrogates who are happy to help desperate parents. Me and my partner can afford another child we just simply cannot afford the type of ivf we need or surrogacy fees. I have a child who is 10 desperate for a sibling :( cries and talks about it all the time! My partner on the other hand he has none :( I don't have any tubes due to them needing to be taken away and he has poor swimmers. We are at our wits end so bad that it's just dragging us down all of us when we are so desperate to have a baby, a baby we can call ours. He treats my daughter like she is his own but longing for your own to have a newborn baby and to do the first is a desperate thing for him. Me I was so young when I had my daughter and not with the right person either this time it would be! Both working, drive, house engaged and have so much love for another child. I've come on here for help for some answers maybe I won't get any and this is just to get it off my chest I feel like im hitting a brick wall with no where to turn i don't want to give up on being able to have another baby 😪

@netstaller

If you can't afford the fees for it to happen ethically, you can't afford it. Perhaps look into counselling or adoption to help you get past the issue. I mean this kindly - You already have one amazing daughter, try and be grateful for that rather than focusing on what you can't have.

I don’t think babies up for adoption are there to be adopted to solve the potential parents mental pain and stop an over anxious ten year old from crying for a sibling.

Much better to adopt a kitten or a puppy instead.

My youngest DD2 was also desperate for a baby sibling because she loved dolls and really couldn't wait to babysit. I think that desire for some children is normal. But, we patiently told her that we weren't going to have a baby but she could take babysitting lessons and we'd help her get mother's helper jobs when she was old enough. She's grown out of this and now just happily babysits.

No way would I have put myself through a risky pregnancy due to a child's whim...like ponies and dollhouses, those desires ebb as children mature.

To think you'd ask a woman for a discount to provide you such intimate and intense and risky event is very troubling. But even if you were a millionaire, I'd find it equally troubling that you'd think you could just pay a woman to birth you a baby. This whole line of thinking is disturbing.

I still don't see where you need a surrogate if you're missing Fallopian tubes. The embryo is planted in the uterus after IVF. You can fund a cycle of private IVF for around £5k, why do you need a surrogate?

Some clinics do free or cheap ivf if your own eggs are ok and you agree to donate some to other women. But you have to accept the outcome that your treatment might fail whereas another woman might have a successful pregnancy with one of your donated eggs, which would be hard i think. But i think you sound not in the right head space for a baby regardless atm

What is it you're looking for answers for?

I'm not anti-surrogacy in certain circumstances, but cannot see how you might be able to afford surrogacy but not ivf. Any surrogate would need to have IVF which you would need to fund.

If your husband has low speed count then you could do ivf yourself with your own eggs and a sperm donor. Have you looked into that?

Whether you agree with surrogacy or not isn't really the point. Pregnancies carry risk and you shouldn't be strapped for cash going into it. You may have to dig deep if the surrogate suffers ill health. It should be unlikely because they tend to go into it with previous uncomplicated pregnancies but every pregnancy is different, at the end of the day. You are there to cover all unforeseen costs. Physiotherapy, cleaner, maternity wear, super healthy food for the whole family if that's what she wants, salary if she should have to take time off work and there's a shortfall, taxis if she can't drive, all travel expenses, life insurance - I could go on all night.

In this country it is illegal to pay a fee to a surrogate and you cannot 'hire' someone. You could look at COTS or Surrogacy U.K. message boards to talk to people who have completed surrogacy arrangements. Equally read widely about the pros and cons.

And yet surrogate mother's "expenses" seem to be considerably higher than those incurred by women who get pregnant with their own babies. The Law Commission quoted research from SurrogacyUK which showed the mean payment was a tad under £15k with an increasing number topping £20k.

Must all be wearing designer maternity clothes!

It would be more expensive for the surrogate to travel to clinic appointments etc. Childcare costs, loss of earnings and so on. It isn't just maternity clothes.

So we are going to have two classes of women.

Women who get on with pregnancy and have to make whatever financial adjustments that might mean, budgeting for loss of earnings, paying travel expenses, borrowing maternity clothes from friends, paying for childcare if their pregnancy means it is difficult for them to care for their existing children.

And women who charge commissioning parents for everything right down to the occasional take away when pregnancy means they are just too exhausted to cook.

Beginning look quite profitable.

There was a breakdown of surrogacy 'expenses' from a you tuber somewhere I will try to find it, she was clear that it included groceries for the family for the duration,utilities, hospital parking, kennels for pets, treats for her children as they miss out on having their mum's care at full capacity, and having a gardener and even a holiday (she said it was a few days at Butlins, even so it's not an 'expense' of a pregnancy is it?) She said not all surrogate mothers 'charge' these 'expenses' (you can't charge for expenses you are reimbursed for them, on the very basis that they are expenses and not payment) but to get to £60k that's one hell of a pregnancy. Maybe there was an 'expenses' relating to a holiday or a tummy tuck? Or maybe intense bereavement counselling as a result giving away a baby she gave birth to.

I'd love to see how that was broken down, a £60k pregnancy would bankrupt some families.

www.thesun.co.uk/news/6671946/brit-couples-paying-60k-surrogacy/

If you think the exploitation comes from the surrogate you're out of your mind.

I don't think that's where the exploitation comes from, no. Quite the opposite, though it never ceases to amaze me the sex of those who advocate for surrogacy, nor the lengths a woman will go to for a 'freebie'.

My point was that even so-called 'altruistic' surrogacy it's not based on 'expenses' or 'compensation' it's transactional and therefore buying a 'product' via a 'service provider'.

Just shows how it's all a transactional event.

I thought NutellaEllaElla was referring to the OP but I often get the wrong end of the stick. 🤷‍♀️

Me too Fanny maybe there was no need to clarify my point - I don't think the OP is coming back as the answers she seeks are not the answers she is getting.

Anyway here is that you tuber -Lisa. She has been a surrogate mother multiple times using her own eggs as well as from another woman, so there are genetic connections between her children she has had through surrogacy arrangements and the children Lisa has with her husband.

Her use of language is quite interesting at times I think, words like 'volunteering' and something about children missing out on having their mummy. The bit about loss of earnings is interesting too, that it could stretch to 6 months. I would be worried for that family, does that suggest there could be serious birth injury that the partner is needed at home for day to day help or even post natal depression and the partner needs to take time off work to look after the children?

FWIW I don't begrudge anyone the chance of having a cleaner for 4 hours a week but it's not an 'expense' of pregnancy and I wonder if the commissioning parents might come to lend a hand for childcare, school runs, cooking and cleaning if they were short on cash and wanting to keep the 'expenses' to the bare minimum, make it a real team effort and join families together rather than throw money at the problem.