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I'm wanting to become a surrogate

44 replies

Loveheart1 · 13/04/2020 18:21

Hi new to this wanted some info good storys and the bad . I have children of my own I'm 37 . And I have been thinking I would love to do this for someone who wants to become a family of thier own . Any info would be helpful and storys no matter how long they are I'm intrested

OP posts:
FannyCann · 16/04/2020 07:11

Here you are OP. A surrogate mother whose pregnancy is ongoing who had to explain to her commissioning parent that if she died he wouldn't get a live baby.
Gestational surrogate pregnancies are more dangerous than normally conceived pregnancies as the embryo, which uses another woman's egg, causes a sort of graft v host reaction in the body similar to having a transplant. There is three times the rate of ore-eclampsia, with caesarean delivery (often prematurely) being needed and a range of other pregnancy complications as well.
This surrogate mother has suffered a life threatening pulmonary embolism due to the fertility hormones she was prescribed. Despite being warned by her hospital doctor that to continue to take them would be likely to be fatal the IVF doctor and her commissioning parent insisted she should continue to take them (which she has refused to do).

FannyCann · 16/04/2020 07:12
  • pre-eclampsia
alltripe · 16/04/2020 07:13

You’ll get an awful lot of grief on this thread. There’s probably a better place to seek advice than MN.

FannyCann · 16/04/2020 07:56

Don't expect to be appreciated, valued and cared for by commissioning parents. I have met this woman. She is still traumatised by her experience and suffers PTSD.
She's an intelligent woman, married to a lawyer who agreed to be a surrogate for best friends, she researched for two years before going ahead and yet still found there was much she didn't know, that no one told her.
After the birth her friends dropped her and left her to deal with the PTSD.

NeverYouMind123 · 16/04/2020 08:01

Why would the OP get grief for this? It's a wonderful thing to do.

OhHolyJesus · 16/04/2020 08:08

I'm currently reading The Expected Mother OP, I recommend it as it goes into her story and to me it's obvious as to why she decided to do this.

Would you be looking to get paid? Are you in the UK? Do you have a partner? Do you have someone in particular you want to have a baby for? Are your children living with you at home?

FannyCann · 16/04/2020 08:21

Is it a wonderful thing to be exploited NeverYouMind123

SisterAct5 · 16/04/2020 11:31

I know quite a bit about surrogacy and happy to provide a balanced view.

Loveheart1 · 16/04/2020 12:13

Wow that's a crazy story sorry to hear about that what country was this is it in the uk ?

OP posts:
Loveheart1 · 16/04/2020 12:21

SisterAct5 would be happy for any balanced view storys info would be greatly appreciated

OP posts:
OhHolyJesus · 16/04/2020 12:28


You're either pro or anti surrogacy in my view so a balanced view is one you have to find yourself by reading a lot.

Sorry OP the book is called The UNexpected Mother. To summarise she had a disrupted childhood and was abused as a child, became a people pleaser, married even though her husband cheated on her on his stag do, divorced after ten years and two kids and then became a surrogate, more than once. When she was carrying twins the couple split up and neither one wanted the twins. Her name is Susan A Ring and her story had much media coverage at the time. It's worth looking her up and looking at some recent cases, check out the resource thread as there are court cases you can read through. I read about an American mother who died after becoming pregnant with twins for a Spanish couple (where it is banned), I read about it as her widowed husband was trying to raise money for her funeral as they were broke and resorted to a crowdfunder. I'm guessing the life insurance the Spanish couple paid for didn't cover funeral costs.

With this and the 'balance' you will read about from 'matching' services and lawyers (all making cash from you renting out your womb) you can make up your own mind.

You might also want to read about the personal stories of children who were born from surrogacy arrangements but you'll struggle to find them as no one really cares to hear their stories of how it feels to have been 'bought' and how they have long term disassociation issues from being separated from their mother at birth so you could try to find adoption stories that give that detail.

FannyCann · 16/04/2020 20:39

Gosh OhHolyJesus I had never heard about that case.
I have heard it mentioned, by a Canadian journalist that it is far more common for surrogacy agreements to break down due to the commissioning parents pulling out than for the surrogate mother to back out and want to keep the baby(ies). This makes sense. Most surrogate mothers, (like the OP) already have children, their family is complete, they are usually doing it for financial reasons and have no desire to forgo final payment, add a child that is not genetically related to them to the family and get bogged down with legal arguments.
Whereas for the commissioning parents, who may be on a different continent and never even have met the surrogate mother - how connected would they feel to that baby? Apparently relationship breakdown is the commonest reason, followed by the baby being damaged in some way, and not the perfect baby they signed up to. Other life changing events such as redundancy, illness or even death of one of the parents can all lead commissioning parents to think "Hang on, this isn't the time to have a baby" , it's as easy as pulling out of buying that new car that suddenly seems a bit extravagant.

Like the case of poor little Bridget, rejected by her American parents and stuck in an orphanage in the Ukraine.

Sittinonthefloor · 16/04/2020 20:46

The main concern in this has to be for the baby, being sold or given away is bound to cause issues. And what about the effect on your children? It’s grim imo.

MaggieMoodles · 16/04/2020 20:48

I'd think you were too old now?

You have to be under 35 just for egg donation.

Pollyputthepizzaon · 16/04/2020 20:51

Contact these people. They just did surrogacy and the baby is now a few months old. I’m sure the surrogate would tell you her side. They’re wanting to raise awareness of what’s involved.

Lynda07 · 16/04/2020 21:09

FannyCann, that poor woman's story is horrendous!

Regarding dealing with PTSD on her own, much as I sympathise I don't think the parents of the twins would have been the right people to help. What could they do? They were new parents of twins which is enough of a job in itself and probably not qualified to help their friend, never mind being too invested in her situation.

It's a very sad business and I'm not surprised she is against surrogacy. The physical problems she is left with are dreadful, I really hope she can get some decent treatment for that.

FannyCann · 16/04/2020 22:16

Lynda07 I perhaps didn't word it very well. I certainly wouldn't expect the commissioning parents to be able to offer much help for PTSD, the woman had prolonged professional counselling. I assume the PTSD is mostly related to the traumatic birth and I'm not suggesting the commissioning parents could be to blame for that. But they treated her badly before the birth, and after the birth they just dropped her. She and her husband were their great friends!
It is a not uncommon theme, I suspect they feel guilty, putting their friend through that and can't deal with it, so it's easier to drop her.

OhHolyJesus · 16/04/2020 22:26

That Kate and Caitlin they worked together? Fancy asking your colleague to carry a baby for you!

Wasn't there a case Fanny of the surrogate withholding parental rights as the intended parents did show much concern for the surrogate mother's health early on the pregnancy so it was like a personal pay back? And the other end of the scale where a woman who didn't speak English as her first language signing a 'contract' printed off the internet and signed in a service station before she was flown to Cyprus to have two embryos implanted when she only agreed to one?

The case I remember very well was of the Drewit Barlows who said they would be friends for life with their surrogate but essentially dropped her within weeks of their twins being born. I do wonder about her, even now, especially as the first gay couple who had a surrogacy arrangement are splitting off and one of them has gone off with the twin daughters ex boyfriend. I wonder what she makes of it and if she regrets it at all.

I think the risks involved would put me off, particularly during a time of a global pandemic, not least because of all the IVF clinics having closed now but more because of the anti-rejection drugs and it affecting your immune system.

pallisers · 16/04/2020 22:30

commissioning parents

Says it all for me

peppermintcapsules · 16/04/2020 22:35

I know quite a bit about surrogacy and happy to provide a balanced view.

There's no such thing. It's women being used as incubators for someone else's entitlement to their own genetic child. It's exploitative.

peppermintcapsules · 16/04/2020 22:36

Very good point, OHoly.

AdriannaP · 16/04/2020 22:39

@peppermintcapsules exactly this. It should be illegal everywhere.
Poor women especially are being exploited and are selling their bodies to feed their families. Appalling.

IHaveBrilloHair · 16/04/2020 22:46

Creating a child knowing it'll never be with its biological mother.
Ugh, it makes me feel sick.

OhHolyJesus · 16/04/2020 23:00

I believe there are more countries where it is illegal compared to countries it is legal. India was a place you could buy a baby from a 'baby factory' until recently but commercial surrogacy on India is now completely illegal (since 2018) and strict rules are applied to altruistic surrogacy.

OP, you should do lots of reading on this, you do not know who other posted are, we are strangers to you. Some here could be those who benefit directly from surrogacy. They could be surrogates themselves who had good experiences but you rarely hear about the bad ones, why is that? Is it because it doesn't work for the narrative that some people want you to hear? They could be lawyers who have their own surrogacy agencies who make money from women like you.

OhHolyJesus · 16/04/2020 23:04

Oh yes "commissioning parents" that sounds about right, will be borrowing that! Fanny!

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