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I'm wanting to become a surrogate

44 replies

Loveheart1 · 13/04/2020 18:21

Hi new to this wanted some info good storys and the bad . I have children of my own I'm 37 . And I have been thinking I would love to do this for someone who wants to become a family of thier own . Any info would be helpful and storys no matter how long they are I'm intrested

OP posts:
ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 16/04/2020 23:06

I know 2 people who almost acted as surrogates, one in England and one in America. One of them had suffered a fairly recent miscarriage of an unplanned pregnancy and her BF understandably didn't want to try again. She was absolutely desperate to be pregnant again, so signed up to be a surrogate. Around that same time she got diagnosed with EUPD and the matching service rejected her as a candidate. The other had had an abortion previously which she was extremely traumatised by and offered to try and carry a baby for a friend with fertility issues. Thankfully she realised in counselling that she was doing it to try and atone for the guilt and grief she felt at her abortion. A way of "paying back" what she felt she'd stolen from the world. Neither of these women, had they gone through with it, would have been exploited financially or coerced, but the choices would still have been driven by their own unresolved trauma. I cant see anything ethical about surrogacy I'm afraid, it's an industry that preys on vulnerable women and leverages their trauma against them to deliver it's "product".

OhHolyJesus · 16/04/2020 23:18

This may help you OP, finally found it Smile

This has lots of links to court cases and news stories around surrogacy and UK law reform of surrogacy.

You can of course approach surrogates for their own experiences but no two pregnancies are the same so please read up about all the risks involved and maybe have a think about your own personal reasons for wanting to explore this.

FannyCann · 16/04/2020 23:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dazedandconfusedpart2 · 16/04/2020 23:52

I feel really unsettled at the thought of women becoming a viable option in terms of incubation. Surrogacy seems like the first step in a very slippery slope.

It seems very virtuous on the face of it but the planet is vastly overpopulated as it is and scores of existing children are without loving, stable homes.

I really don't understand the need to spread our own DNA as much as possible, what makes us think we're so special that children MUST be biologically ours? And I genuinely have empathy for those with fertility issues so I'm not as uncaring as it probably seems.

Lynda07 · 17/04/2020 00:51

I agree with DazedandConfused.

OhHolyJesus · 17/04/2020 08:06

Hi @Loveheart1 are you coming back?

Loveheart1 · 17/04/2020 08:28

Ohholy jesus . Cheers and all . But I will decide for myself

OP posts:
OhHolyJesus · 17/04/2020 08:56

Of course, I would hope you would and not have anyone else decide for you.

Are you looking for any more links or resources to help make your decision?

I asked earlier if you were in the UK and if you're children were at home with you?

OhHolyJesus · 17/04/2020 09:32


PearPickingPorky · 17/04/2020 15:18

Why is it that you want to do this OP? What is driving it?

Tatty101 · 17/04/2020 15:35

I'm just at the beginning of my journey in understanding the many issues surrounding surrogacy and some of the resources on MN have been useful in that.

On the other hand, anecdotally, my relative was recently a surrogate for another relative who physically couldn't carry a child. It was an amazingly kind thing to do and the child is now 2, no health issues and an amazing bond with his genetic mother (I.e. not the surrogate)

Of course this is just one example and there are a lot of wider, political concerns that some PP have touched on and that I continue to research to understand these issues better.

OhHolyJesus · 17/04/2020 15:38

Just out of interest Tatty is the surrogate ok following the pregnancy and birth?

It's clear that the egg was from the commissioning mother so she would have had anti-rejection drugs throughout the pregnancy?

Tatty101 · 17/04/2020 19:18

Surrogate is absolutely healthy and fine following a relatively calm pregnancy and labour (not sure calm is the right word for any labour though!)

I'm not sure I'd refer to the genetic mother here as the 'commissioning mother' - there was no financial benefit to this and the surrogate approached the genetic mother not the other way around.

I understand this isn't representative of every case and I want to make it clear, this is purely anecdotal and just one example that has happened to happen close enough to me to see some of it.

FannyCann · 17/04/2020 19:32

This is the case OhHolyJesus
It seems to be a seminal case that is helping drive the planned changes in the law. Interesting that the law maker's take on this is : Those nasty surrogate mothers, wielding their power and withholding consent to the parental order by way of revenge. We can stop them doing that by changing the law so that commissioning parents become the legal parents at birth and surrogate mothers lose all their rights.
Another way of looking at it might have been : Commissioning parents and ivf clinics are so unconcerned about the welfare of surrogate mothers that they are prepared to impregnate a 51 year old woman with twins despite the obvious risks to her health. We need to strengthen the law for the protection of women who may be exploited in this way. Funny that. Hmm

The case of AB referred to by the MPs, whose surrogate mother has refused to sign the parental order, meaning she and her husband remain the legal parents of the twins she gave birth to. 1E was age 51 at the time the embryo transfer took place at a fertility clinic operating in this jurisdiction. The parties had all had the mandatory 'implications' counselling provided by the clinic before the transfer took place. Unfortunately the relationship between the applicants and respondents broke down. It is not necessary for the court to investigate or determine the reasons for that change, save that the catalyst appears to have been an appointment around the 12 week scan when the consultant obstetrician expressed very real concerns about the health of E if the pregnancy continued. Further specialist advice was sought and the pregnancy did continue. E considers the applicants did not show sufficient concern for her wellbeing during this period. The applicants acknowledge in their statement the situation could have been handled better by them. Regrettably the difficulties continued, there was limited contact between them although E periodically updated C and D about the progress of the pregnancy. The children were born early; the applicants were not at the hospital at the time and on arrival encountered difficulties in them gaining access to the children, who were in the neonatal intensive care unit. They were able go in the following day, but were, understandably, distressed by the circumstances."

Why would anyone think it is a good idea to impregnate a 51year old woman with twins?She became angry that the commissioning parents weren't sufficiently concerned about her health and has with held her consent to the parental order ever since by way of revenge. ="blank" rel="noopener" href="">;

Lougle · 17/04/2020 19:47

The 'commissioning parents' can't possibly maintain an interest in the surrogate's wellbeing at the same time as maintaining their interest in a live baby as an outcome. Wherever the two conflict, they will be driven by the desire for a child. It's an inherent conflict of interest that becomes obvious as soon as there is any complication.

peppermintcapsules · 17/04/2020 20:44

Wherever the two conflict, they will be driven by the desire for a child. It's an inherent conflict of interest that becomes obvious as soon as there is any complication.

And for a child who needs to be ostensibly healthy, none of those nasties that can be detected prenatally, as several cases have shown.

OhHolyJesus · 17/04/2020 21:10

I'm pleased to hear that Tatty this situation does sound truly altruistic, although I'm anti surrogacy in any shape or form, I understand it was altruistic in that no money changed hands, maybe not even for expenses if the genetic mother and surrogate mother went shopping together for maternity clothes and went to scans together so shared a car, no need for petrol, etc.

As relatives it would be a unique situation, one where the child will know the surrogate mother and the genetic parent. The child will have the chance to ask questions as they grow so they won't have any secrets about where they came from.

I hope the surrogate doesn't have any regrets, perhaps some she couldn't ever admit them to herself, let alone another family member. She may have no connection to the child at all and simply feel joy at seeing her relative as a mother.

I also hope she has her own children already and doesn't long for the child she sees that doesn't belong to her even though she gave birth to to the child. I also wonder if, as 2 other women I know (not surrogates), if she suffered with secondary infertility or miscarriage later if she would feel differently. I can't think of few harder crosses to bear where you might have a child for someone else and struggle to have your own.

(This doesn't apply to the OP I realise, but if the surrogate relative was yet to have her own family and then couldn't it's feasible to think it could cause resentment and issues within the family.)

I'm also pleased the pregnancy went well, so many things can go wrong during and after, anything from a blood loss and incontinence to a prolapse, I would hate to see my relative suffer if she had made a baby for me, only to have difficulties herself. I imagine some relationships never recover in these circumstances.

The woman in this story didn't struggle in this way but she didn't manage to carry a baby to term for the commissioning parents (not being goady, I use this term as noted, I borrowed it up thread) and I can hear the pain in her voice and how she is grieving for the loss of the friendship as well. If doing it for a relative it would be even harder to withhold blame or suggest wrongdoing, and to keep trying and trying, I can't comprehend how that would work.

It raises the question as a PP mentions, about any health issues for the baby or pregnant mother and how those might be resolved. I'm quite fascinated by multiple births and how they are riskier than carrying a single foetus and how people in surrogacy arrangements manage decisions around this.

Your relatives seem to have had been lucky and maintained a good situation. I hope the surrogate mother's body recovered well and any scars have healed.

FannyCann · 17/04/2020 21:17

I think something went wrong with my link. Here it is again.

OhHolyJesus · 19/04/2020 22:20


Hi OP, thought you might be interested in this story from the US.

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