Why can’t I give up my toxic relationship with a 3 addictions loser

[ethal80]

Been with my BF nearly two years in a relationship but was FWB for 3 years beforehand so I knew exactly what I was getting involved in and what I was taking on. I’m 45 & he’s 35.
He is an alcoholic (10 pints per day) he smokes a shit ton of cannabis daily and also probably gambles £3-400 per week online slots and betting.
He doesn’t pay any utility bills at all, only his rent. Work is on and off (self employed).
He is in thousands of pounds of debt…I very stupidly bailed him out last year around 10k in my name…he does repay this to me.
He shows me the bare minimum affection, he’s selfish, he’s rude and very disrespectful towards me. He takes full advantage of my kind and caring nature and he knows that I won’t leave. I try my hardest to support him in any way I can but he just continues to let me and himself down. I know he has MH issues and I also know a lot about his life growing up as a child, he hasn’t had the best life and nobody to guide him. His mum is an alcoholic and smokes cannabis all day every day and his dad is a homeless alcoholic in an abusive relationship.
I know he’s dragging me down and I know he’s messed my MH up too… I’m now on citalopram and mirtazepene to help me cope, I’m also having therapy. I know that by staying, this is it…this is what my life will become and that he will continue to hurt my feelings every day. I’m a very sensitive person but I care too much to leave him, I feel he needs me. I love the bones of him and he knows that. How do I toughen up to this situation I’ve got myself into. Please don’t tell me to leave because I know I can’t, I love and care for him like I’ve never loved anyone before. I can’t give up on him.

You're co dependant. You like to care for him and think you can fix his issues. You can't. This is a form of self abuse. You need to look at why you're focused on solving his issues instead of building your own life.

"I feel he needs me." and you enjoy being needed. You are also part of this toxic cycle. You need to stop it.

Research co dependency. Leave him to sort out his own issues (or not), but either way don't stay.

Read a book called women who love too.much, join a family anonymous and al anon group, they have meetings amd a forum, getvtherapy.
Please could you share with us a little about your childhood

What’s your own childhood like?

Agree with a little information may be able to find out more to help

How about this...?
We need to focus our energy where we can do most good, either for others or ourselves.
You are focussing most of your energy on him and he is not benefitting and you certainly aren't either.
If you were to give even a quarter of that energy to something more useful, think how much you could achieve.
Help at a homeless shelter, be a library volunteer, litter pick, foster cats. Whatever you like, but all your time and creativity should be put to better use. All the time you are wasting on him should be put to better use. You should be making a change for the better and you are not. No one is benefitting at the moment, yet you say you are a loving person. Use your love effectively. Stop wasting it.

Respectfully, the stench alone from someone who drinks that much and smokes cannabis all day would be more than enough to quickly satisfy any self sabotaging urges to be with such a person.

You deserve better.

My own childhood was wonderful, hard working parents, time well spent together, holidays etc. normal working class family life, never any major issues. I still remain very close to my parents.

Where they very strict?
What was the old you lile before you met him

I am thinking you don't live together as you say he pays his rent. Can you cut down the times you see him, for example once a fortnight and don't let him stay at yours.

I don’t even know who I was before all of this but I certainly was a better person. I have lots of friends and I intend on focusing my energy more on spending time with them doing the things I enjoy. I have neglected my own wants and needs just to please him and focus on him and his needs. I’d like to think I can gain the strength to give what I get, which is the bare minimum in every aspect of our relationship, see how he likes it.
my parents weren’t strict as such but I had boundaries and rules to live by and morals. I’m a big believer in respect. I just wish I had the strength to walk away and leave him to his own self destruction but I can’t, I love him so very much, it hurts.

I think you need to stop romanticizing the relationship. The ‘I love the bones of him’ is not helping you. Find someone who deserves your love. This man doesn’t love you. You only have one life, love yourself not him. It’s depressing to read your post. Have a life you are proud of. Sorry to be blunt but please move on from this man.

It’s drama, you get a dopamine hit off it. I had one a bit like this, he was also amazing in bed. Fucking disaster. He treats you like shit and takes money off you, what exactly do you love about him? You also aren’t getting that money out so consider it a sunk cost.

What is there to love if hes an alcoholic gambling druggie? Is he funny, kind etc? What do your parents think ? You are not b doing him any good by v staying. Why should he get better if he has you there telling him you live him and throwing money away on him?

I know you said you don't want to leave him, but I think you should.
You deserve a man who reciprocates your kindness, instead of pouring it out on this loser who doesn't appreciate you.
You deserve so much better than this.

Do you have children? Does he? All the more reason to leave if you do.

This...

It's so easy to get caught up in the 'he needs me' /'I love the bones of him'.

Never, ever love ANYONE (apart from your kids and grandchildren) unconditionally, it sets you up for a life time of abuse from these men...

Emotional (don't suppose hes supportive of you), financial (you'll unlikely see all the money back), and also time..
Time which you could spend with your pals /family.. Time you could spend working getting more money together for whatever you want (ee

Rather than trying to 'save' this man...

Would he be interested if he wasn't a raving addict?? Are you being fed in any way by the drama... If you are get therapy... A dear pal had 3 of these relationships back to back... She didn't see the decent guy in plain sight... She was so used to all the drama.

I've seen so many women in your position... Sometimes the bloke get slightly better... And the carer then gets dumped.

The womab is distraught when she discovered that she'd wasted years of he precious life on him.

PS look up. Co-dependency... And how to cure it...

Instead of giving any more money to this man... Why not explore some decent therapy for yourself?

There's a book you might be interested in by Robin Norwood: Women Who Love Too Much.

Sorry you are going through this. I do agree with @Angelic999 & @Merseymum1980
you need to get therapy for codependency and read the book ‘Women who love to Much’ .you are in a vicious cycle, where you will become as sick as your boyfriend mentally.
through your actions you are enabling him to stay as he is and his one and only priority it to get a fix . your boundaries have becomes bleared/non existent and in this process you have lost yourself.
Good luck and look up codependency.

You stay with him because deep down you think he is all you deserve. You deserve more but you are afraid to kick him out. Every year he drags you down further and by staying with him it prevents you from enjoying a normal satisfying relationship. But.....you won't leave him so what you have is it.....you could have so much more. Only you can ask him to leave OP.

Read ‘co-dependent No More’ by Melody Beattie
Remember that you dropping the rope /walking away could be the making of him. He may not die in a gutter if you’re not there. He might get better.

Please don’t tell me to leave because I know I can’t, I love and care for him like I’ve never loved anyone before. I can’t give up on him.

The other option is to stay with him and let him drag you down with him. Do you want this?

You don't love him. You love what you want him to be and you want to feel needed. You can't cure him.

Quite frankly, he sounds awful. What do you get out of the "relationship"?

Baby steps when trying to extrodite yourself from a relationship with an addict so it doesnt overwhelm you.
First step you have started therapy, well done.
Now you absolutley must for your own peace of mind join a family anonymous and an al anon group in person, they will teach you so.much
Also check out their forum online today and request some literature.

OP, my partner was an addict and please understand something: he knows he can walk all over you. Yes, a big part of it might be the addiction and it might prompt him to act the way he does, but he’ll destroy your life if you keep letting him. This isn’t even just me saying, I was talking about this with my partner just last week.

My partner only got better when I left him. It shocked him into taking stock of his life and he attempted suicide, which luckily he survived. It took a while (we could even say it’s still a work in progress) and a lot of effort on his part. He’s part of a tiny percentage of people who make it, his rehab was littered with men who had been there before more than once, others who relapsed straight away, etc. It’s devastating but ultimately you must protect yourself, he sure as hell won’t. He’ll ruin you before he stops if he keeps being enabled.

You yearn for the relationship you wish you had with him, and there will absolutely be something in your childhood that nudged you into this dynamic.

End it, and seek therapy if you can afford it.