Need advice from others who have relasped

[ughwhatnow44]

It started thirteen years ago, i was addicted to cocaine. I had really bad binges and would do 4-5 days of use every week.
eight years ago, I decided enough was enough and completely changed my life overnight. I literally picked everything up and moved across the country in a day to get clean and it worked!
I had five glorious years of being clean and I was the happiest Ive ever been.
Unfortunately I met people who I knew I should of stayed away from, and slowly the addiction started up. i told myself if I only use once or twice a year its not addiction, but then i met more people and after two years of using once/twice a year and not even much it turned into a every weekend situation.
This weekend was horrific, it was spiked with something else like ketamine or speed which I know I cannot take as it makes my mental health dip so far down and I nearly killed myself this weekend over it. Managed 24 hours of sleep after taking prescribed drugs (codiene) to get me down enough to sleep and feel a bit better but I know now I cannot keep doing this. This relaspe is even worse the original addiction in terms of my mood.

I cannot move again, so instead I have changed my phone number & deleted and blocked everyone I know who can access it for me off my phone. It’s unlikely that I will bump into them when Im out & about so thats okay.
My trigger is drink even if I drink a tiny bit (im not a big drinker) I want it. So Ive poured away all the drink in the house down the sink. And I only ever touch it on a friday & saturday night.

I need ways to get a natural happy hormone hit so I dont go looking for it. Any ideas please? I have done it once and I know I can stay clean if I really put my mind to it. Thanks for listening.

How old are you? Do you live alone? Anyone you can confide in in RL?

Im mid 30s. No i dont live alone, live with my partner & two kids. (Kids arent here when I do it. I would never do it when theyre at home.)

This weekend was horrific, it was spiked with something else like ketamine or speed which I know I cannot take as it makes my mental health dip so far down and I nearly killed myself this weekend over it. Managed 24 hours of sleep after taking prescribed drugs (codiene) to get me down enough to sleep and feel a bit better but I know now I cannot keep doing this. This relaspe is even worse the original addiction in terms of my mood.

where were your children this past weekend?

who were you out with?

I think because you have children you really ought to bring the professionals in. You absolutely cannot be doing this when you have kids regardless of where they are on the weekend. Let this be your wake up call.

It sounds like you need professional, medical help, not internet anecdotes from strangers. Please seek support from professional organisations that deal with this exact issue.

As a matter of urgency

If you are addicted you cannot guarantee that you won’t do it when the kids are in. Well done for recognising what has happened. Agree with pp to seek help

The reason you feel like you need it as soon as you have a drink is cocaethylene, look it up.

If inpatient rehab isn’t an option for you at this stage, I would look up the Class A People podcast/tiktok/etc and go from there, she has a lot of good resources.

I had an amphetamine problem for over 20 years ,psychosis,paranoia the works.
Be careful mixing coke with alcohol because that changes the chemical reaction in the body and using anything as a downer is risky.
I used barbiturates which was extremely dangerous.
You need professional help especially if drink is your trigger.
Wishing you all the best.👍

Can y go to a NA meeting

Think they do online meetings ow too

Online

Thank you for all your comments & advice.
So far I am 8 days clean off my own back, I joined a soberity app with like minded people & its kept me on the ball. I know 8 days doesn’t seem like much, but I feel this time is different and I will stay clean & sober. I’ve had no cravings whatsoever. I keep remembering how I felt last weekend, and I just never want to feel like that again.

Well done on your first steps to a better life.👍😁

Well done on 8 days. It’s massive. Honestly, consider NA / AA (if alcohol is the trigger) its changed my life. Face to face is bettter than online but there are plenty of online too.

@ughwhatnow44

I need ways to get a natural happy hormone hit so I dont go looking for it. Any ideas please? I have done it once and I know I can stay clean if I really put my mind to it. Thanks for listening.

I've no experience with addiction, but in terms of "natural" hits, sport does it. Mine happens to be rowing, and being out on a river in the early morning light gives an indescribable boost and (while you're doing it) a burst of total focus on this one thing, which helps get other things in perspective. It depends what your interests are, but maybe any/all of running, walking (in countryside), sailing, swimming, weights etc etc might work for you. I hope things go well for you.

Just thought I would pop in and tell you 14 days clean today! Was tempted last night but got on my walking treadmill and walked 5 miles, and then watched a movie to take my mind off it as I was knackered. Walking most definitely helped. I feel so much better in myself, no longer tired, miserable or grumpy feeling like myself again. Determined to keep going.

Congratulations! 💐

That's a proud moment for you.
It's tough when that voice starts ..just a wee toot but it's never just a wee toot.
Well done.👍😁

Thank you 🥰 and your right! I dont even want to say “ahh just one won’t hurt.” Because itll end up being 4am and hating myself again!
I am loving feeling fresh, Ive done a lot over the two weeks stuff I would of been to anxious to do if I was still using. Im gonna keep updating weekly, because hopefully someone like myself will fall on this post by chance and see it can be done off your own back and that being clean, is the best thing in the world.

You're welcome and if you feel yourself slipping come back and yap to us.👍
As I said in my original post I was 20 yr + amphetamine I know the pull of being of psychological addiction.

Just wondered - with your kids you say you don’t do it when they are there. Do they have weekends away which you drink etc on? If so it may be worth booking things in for those weekends - plan to go walk other places and camp/stay in a b&b etc. I know you can’t do it all the time but if you’ve weekends ‘off’ it may help.

Yes, but ive spoken to family who have them usually & have explained that they are staying out to much so welcome to have them in the day but need to be in their own beds at night. :) last night we had a movie marathon of Back to the future so the kids dont mind at all.

Hi, I feel for you I really do. I’ve just had a really rock bottom relapse from alcohol (made my first rock bottom look tame 🤦🏻‍♀️🤣) . We can do it tho! We know we can and have felt the joy of sobriety before, this is an illness, we have to learn to manage it. Have you got a local addiction service? I self referred to mine, they are amazing! So supportive, no judgement. There are one on one support workers, group sessions (that in the past I would never have entertained the idea of these but they are actually really good). Wishing you lots of luck! xxx

Ah that’s a good move! Good luck OP. You’ve got this.

Update number 3: clean & sober for 3 weeks now