I’m enquiring about this

[GreatPearlOrca]

So recently my partner was in rehab etc he is out now and very much clean and sober , but I am starting to feel the way I was feeling when he was in addiction like no family time hardly see him , feel like our conversations are out the window, he would rather spend the time he has with us on his phone, I feel he is doing too many meetings etc he wasn’t really there for my kid growing up so he has missed a lot of that and I have stood by him through it all, and I feel he is still missing everything as I feel I’m still on my own bringing up my child, he is 9month and 17 days clean , he does about 21 meetings a week or just under , that’s including video meetings, and volunteers himself for things ,I know he is trying to keep busy but I have says he can’t rely on meetings to keep him clean he needs to try himself too, I have says to him about cutting some down and spending time with the kids not just me but for them and he just keeps saying that I don’t understand meeting etc and that he needs them and will eventually cut them down, I’ve says to him on few occasions but he never listens to me and I’ve been quite unwell myself and been needing help but he isn’t really there to help me and doesn’t help around the house or that , of course I’m super proud of him for changing his addiction, I just don’t know what to do anymore , I’ve been thinking of saying to him again if he listens and if things don’t change we will need to go out seperate ways or do you think that’s abit harsh but I just think this is what it’s going to be like forever and I can’t go on living like this anymore, I deserve better and it’s sad to think like this but I feel that’s what it’s going to happen , people close to us have also says about it that he is doing too many meetings and should be spending time with kids etc but all we get is we don’t understand or get it , it’s just so hard

Sorry but what a selfish idiot. Not bad enough that he’s put you through his alcoholism all these years, you now have to play second fiddle to his recovery. Instead of trying to make it up to you; which he could do alongside his recovery, it’s still all about him and his needs being met. You come a poor second and you and your dc really DO deserve better!

Do you think he enjoys being part of the family? You write that you are starting to feel the way you did when he was an addict which implies things have been better at times since he’s been sober - have I understood that correctly?

I don’t know how to word this gently but do you think his meetings are just a new way to avoid being a husband and a Father?

Is he doing tests at home and are you seeing these tests? Do you have definitive proof he’s attending the meetings? And lastly… are the meetings mixed genders?

I have brought this up numerous time and asked if he still wants the relationship etc and he promises me he does , and I’ve told him I would rather him tell me honestly if he doesn’t as I’m not wanting to stop his happiness or moving on, and he assures me he definitely wants this as doesn’t know how he could live without me , it’s just so hard and I keep getting mixed messages etc

He doesn’t do tests at home but had test on Tuesday in centre and was negative, he doesn’t get tested all the time, a few times he has asked for me to go along with meetings with him but I’m just unsure about doing so, yeah meetings are mixed genders and also have chats on phone with all the people who are in recovery from all over the world etc he is always sharing for meetings too which he enjoys doing , and when there is people in early recovery and need help or they are struggling he always feels he needs to help them too and I’ve says to him about this too you go in helping other people when ur in the same situation as I always think taking their problems on could set him back too, obviously I’m glad he is doing so well, he always says he is doing it for his family and I don’t want him to forget that or push us aside as he may well end up loosing us , it may sound selfish of me for moaning or going on about how much it means to him with meetings etc and I know people need the meetings etc but it’s hard to live ur life with this sort of change and specially if I feel he isn’t making effort with family but is more making an effort and commitment to meetings and other fellowships

Yeah ur right he has put me through a lot and I’ve not yet overcome all of it , sometimes I don’t know why I stay and put up with some of it, dont get me wrong times can be good and then not, sometimes I don’t know wether I’m coming or going with him, I think I’m going to have to speak to him again, he doesn’t like when I bring it up and puts it down to me not understanding the recovery process,

This sounds so tough for you. Do you have any support? You must be harbouring a lot of pain and resentment over what he has put you through - have you had any help to process that at all?

The difficult thing is that in a sense, there is nothing more important than his recovery because if he is not sober, he can't be anything else. So he really does need to put it first, however, it is understandable that you need more from him than he is giving.

If he is not using recovery to avoid his responsibilities, do you think it's his new addiction, in a way? As in he is using his place in the fellowship to escape from himself in the way he used to use substances?

@GreatPearlOrca thats really tricky - personally if it’s that many meetings I’d be wanting to see the test results with my own eyes and if he has invited you, I’d go. The only times my DP was that disconnected from our relationship (while guaranteeing he was committed) he was using… and using with someone else.

Addiction is a very selfish illness, but it could also be that this is just who he is as a partner and it’s as good as it will get for you.

My partner has 2-3 meetings per week and about 2-3 evenings volunteering/doing outreach, then the weekends are for us unless something comes up. While I understand that it’s important to stay on track, if he had that many meetings that I barely saw him, it would all be a bit pointless for my needs.

It is tough some days I don’t think about it , when he was in rehabilitation there was a group that I attended once but was so far away from me too and obviously getting someone for the kids while I went was tough so I ended up just not going, aww yeah 100 percent I know he does need this but I says to him maybe even cutting his meetings down and he did agree but has not done this as of yet, I don’t mind him going to meetings as I know he does need them etc but it’s like more and more meetings are greeting added on , reading ur post to me it does feel like that it is maybe his new addiction in away and by doing all these meetings etc is maybe away from him escaping from himself , maybe he is scared to cut down on things and spend more time with us incase he gets thoughts of using , it is very hard , but maybe another we chat with him to understand my side of things to , as some days are okay and other days I’m feel like I’m drifting away from him like today ,he got up and away to help out at a meeting , finished that and he is straight to another meeting I’ve not yet seen him today he was up and door , 3 / maybe 4 meetings he will do today, sometimes I think he could be scared of cutting down meetings incase he relapses but correct me if I’m wrong in thinking this but I think he shouldn’t rely on meetings to keep clean and needs to learn to do this also with daily life as there could come a time where he might not be able to goto meetings in a day and I’m unsure how this will be with him too , like how he will handle not being able to goto without it , it’s hard x

He also tells me a lot of the time he doesn’t like being in the house a lot of the time as when he had his addiction he would be in one of the rooms in the house all the time not wanting to do anything , and I think he is scared if he is in the house too long that he will have using thoughts but he really needs to learn to deal with this too

I strongly suggest you seek some support.

There is a thread on the Alcohol Support section for those affected by other peoples drinking (here). It sounds like your DP was addicted to drugs and not alcohol but your experiences will be similar and they also might be able to point you in the direction of some services you can tap into, or at the very least offer some friendly supportive words. I guess he might be in NA (you mention fellowships) and they do have services for family members - perhaps there is an online meeting you could attend? Even if he is not in NA you could contact them.

Your life has been turned upside down as well and whilst he is getting all the help and support (and obviously working hard to stay sober) you are holding it all together for everyone with nothing. He needs to learn to live without drugs and ultimately without the need for multiple meetings a day to survive, if he also wants to maintain a relationship with you and his children. I would be concerned (as you have mentioned) that the number of meetings seems to be going up, not down. Have you met his sponsor? Is that an option? (I don't know if that's the 'done thing' BTW, maybe it's not)