My daughter is smoking crack and I don’t know what to do

[MummyInTheNecropolis]

She is 19 and has ADHD and borderline personality disorder, both only recently diagnosed. She struggled so much to come to terms with the diagnosis, particularly the BPD. She has a long history of self harm, suicide attempts and addictive behaviours. She had been doing so well, she’s holding down a good job, working full time but has always found relationships and friendships difficult and doesn’t have many people in her life.

She recently started seeing a much older man who is a drug dealer and abuser with a long criminal record. He started providing her with cocaine and alcohol and she’s been using both heavily. I have been doing my best to support her and get her away from him. Today I came home and the house smelt weird, like she’d been smoking cigarettes but a stronger burning smell. I went and snooped in her room and found lots of crack paraphernalia. She is asleep and doesn’t know I have found it. I need to talk to her when she wakes up but I’m so scared of what to say and how she’ll react. She is extremely volatile and often verbally abusive. I have spoken to the Frank helpline and will follow their advice but I just know it won’t go down well. I desperately want to help her, she is so lovely and beautiful and worth so much more than this. I just don’t know where to start.

I would really appreciate any advice.

I’m so sorry to see your update @MummyInTheNecropolis 🌷 I think the thing you can do now is to keep in contact with her as regularly as you can, and be there for her as much as you can. This is where it becomes really hard to love an addict because you want to keep the line open for them and not cut them off, without enabling them, and protecting yourself as much as you can emotionally. Could you join a support group? I think this would be good for you; and I wondered if you have spoken to your (or her) GP? They may also be able to offer resources. Is there any criminal proceedings going on against the man (dealer?) in the picture? Find some support for yourself as a priority and take your time to consider your next steps towards your relationship with her and what may or may not ‘reach’ her or affect her in a positive or negative way. Xoxo

You can’t force her to be ready for treatment sadly. Your only choice is to continue to offer to support her but without enabling her. It will be very important you are taking care of yourself during this time. I highly recommend finding a nar anon group if you can.

THIS.

Call the police and report the drug dealer.

I’m sorry to read this. Your DD sounds weak and open to predators, she certainly isn’t thinking clearly. If she has little support from peers of her own age she’s vulnerable to his abuse which she’ll be perceiving as making her feel good about herself and loved. He knows at her age his hold over her is a drugged up island of relief during a sea of mental turbulence

I went through a similar situation aged 18. I wouldn’t listen to anyone and had few friends and even less family to guide me. I knew deep down what my bf was like but I thought he loved me and I loved him.

What medication is she on? She must find the right meds and dosage. Can you speak to your GP or the physicians involved in her diagnosis’s?

My advice is to make sure she knows she has you in her corner. She doesn’t mean what she says at the moment. She will really need you though.

As for him you can speak with the police who will then be aware of your daughter’s vulnerability. I remember the police checking up on me at my mums at that time, though most of it is blocked out.

He’ll get nicked for dealing eventually but keeping her away from him and safe is the most important thing at this stage.

And if she is caught in possession she gets a record and goes to prison

Thank you for all of your comments, I really do appreciate them. We have reported him anonymously for dealing, he has a long record and was only in court a couple of weeks ago on drug charges. Clearly nothing came of it. As far as I can tell the police haven’t done anything about our report as yet. I’m hopeful that he won’t know the report came from me, he is extremely unpopular round here and has lots of enemies. It could’ve been anyone.

To the person who asked, DD is on lamotrigine and bupropion but doesn’t take them consistently and I doubt they’ll do much for her when combined with crack and excessive alcohol. I can try calling the mental health team tomorrow but will she get in trouble if I tell them about the drugs? I don’t want that, not yet anyway.

Lamotrigine is a very effective mood stabiliser but if she’s drinking alcohol or abusing drugs the efficacy will stop. Try to get her to take them as prescribed. Could you persuade her to see GP to discuss medications, go and support her. All interventions are positive at this stage.

Aw I'm so sorry. The only hard drug addicts I know who stopped are the ones who REALLY hit rock bottom and that includes my step brother, he lost his job, flat, friends, relationship, he went to rehab. It remains to be seen if this will be long term or if he will revert back to using.

I'd recommend reading the book (can get it on Kindle) mum can you lend me 20 quid by Elizabeth Burton Phillips. Sadly, you can't help an addict until they want help.

Thank you, I will try to convince her to go to the GP with me. I’m sure I’ll be told to fuck off but I can only try 🤷‍♀️.

I'm so sorry to read your messages - how worrying for you. It's so hard to see young people on self destruct - I've had plenty of experience of it in our family, so know the powerlessness and despair you are feeling. The GP is a good start, if you can get her there, it certainly helped one of our family access services which ultimately turned their life around. I'm thinking of you today. She's a fortunate girl to have such a lovely, committed, non judgemental Mum - hopefully one day she'll be able to see it.

Agree with the rock.bottom
Had a friend in her 40s had a job paying 50k she started escorting and using cocaine to.keep her awake etc working 5 nights and then her day job. She lost her job then lost her next job, lost her daughter her house her car and then moved to the seaside alone. She really did reach rock bottom

I agree. Do not enable this. Don't allow illegal drug taking in your house for a start.

She is a vulnerable adult and this would be her first charge.

It is very well worth it to report.

Very few people go to prison or even get charged and convicted for possession.

Arrested, perhaps. Charged even, yes. Covictions are few and far between

More likely for dealing and supply but even then, charges are often dropped.

Very little action around drugs at that level.

Her reaction is horrendous and the way she speaks to you is abhorrent.

I would wash my hands of her.

Really? Your only child who is neurodivergent and vulnerable? You’d just put her on the streets and send her even further into a life of drugs and being taken advantage of by older men? I can’t imagine doing that to my daughter. Yes she is in a bad place, doing awful things but she isn’t a bad person. She just needs help.

The fact that your daughter is adhd mashed this really worrying.

adhd is a deficiency in dopamine. Cocaine boosts dopamine, as do adhd stimulant medication. But alcohol with cocaine is bad. It literally created a new psychoactive compound that isn’t really fully understood but it’s really bad for the body AND it blocks dopamine so she will need more and more to get a hit, it triggers depression and anxiety and will so her medications working while making her body feel like a toxic waste ground.

I really hope you can get through to her. I had a cocaine addiction and have been clean for years. My ex got me into it and he started using crack. He’s no longer an addict. But he’s the only crack user I’ve ever known to get off it 100% .

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8956485/

Also, I know in the grand scheme of things her dental care is not at the top of the list but I’ve never met a single crack user that has healthy dentition. It destroys teeth and quickly so encourage her to keep on top of her dental hygiene as this will flush residue out of her mouth and help to reduce the damage until she decides enough is enough

Hideous.

I have recently started working in this field, and have met tens of people from my town alone who have got clean, so there is definitely hope.
Sadly it is crazy common for addicts to be ND. Many people can misuse drugs, but only some of them will continue to use, even though it causes them harm.

I recommend the book In the realm of Hungry Ghosts by Gabor Mate. It's an easy, enlightening read, and will enable you to understand addiction better.

My advice, like others would be to find a nar anon for yourself. You need to not feel alone on this path.

Secondly (and it sounds like you've done this) there are services that can help keep her drug using safe, hep c tests for free, hand out naloxone kits in case she starts on opioids, and they do phase 1 courses for people who are just contemplating sobriety. You can make the referral, but of course you can make her show up. The service in our area is called V.i.a.

Thirdly, she is working so she can still function and do things she enjoys. What else does she love? Crafting, swimming, hiking, cinema, crochet. Anything and everything to keep her busy and having as full a range of experiences as possible.

Scientific explanations help many addicts. Addiction alters the brain. It's helpful to think of the addiction as 'it': the primitive part of our brain that tells us we're hungry, tells us we have sexual desires, and tells us what we crave. She is so much more than just that part of the brain, but 'it' may override her. Understanding this can be helpful.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I also suggest a GP appointment so they can keep up to date with her other meds.

Thank you @Rehab4rightmove thats really helpful, I have joined a weekly support group for friends and family and it has made such a huge difference to me, meeting others in my position has helped to ease my guilt and made me feel less lonely. I did make DD an appointment with the mental health nurse at our GP surgery, it was a phone appointment and she did speak to them but said she didn’t find it helpful sadly.

She is still working but only just managing it really and is of course still using. We have had lots of conversations about it though I try to be led by her and not force the conversation, I just wait for her to bring it up and encourage her to talk. Sometimes this has felt productive and other times has led to her becoming aggressive and argumentative. It’s hard to judge how to navigate this successfully but I will keep trying and keep supporting her.

You sound amazing and to have a mum like that, she can get out of it, I know ppl that have kicked crack, more than one, alot of the time with mental health its self medicating, Im sorry you and your daughter are going through this but have no doubt you will get through this together. xx

It is possible to give up crack. You need to be driving her to meetings daily.

@MummyInTheNecropolishow is your DD doing?

Thank you for asking @OrlandointheWildernessshe was doing really well, she has been attending meetings almost every day and speaking to her drug worker weekly and had been clean for 17 days but sadly had a relapse today after receiving some bad news. She feels terrible and is planning to attend a meeting tomorrow, so hopefully this is just a bump in the road and she will continue with her recovery 🤞