SHOULD I WARN HER OF POTENTIAL TRAUMA ?

[MonkeyMagic000]

Please sit down, this is the short version but still a long one…!

I met my now ex 10 years ago, we hit it off immediately - funny, affectionate, so much in common, we were practically twins ! He lovebombed me and was very needy, but I was too blind to see any red flags. I had a little cash in the bank and within 5 weeks we were buying a house (jointly). For context - we were both in our 40’s, blissfully happy and 100% certain we wanted to be together forever.

It didn’t take long for me too learn of his alcohol problem. I didn’t believe he was an alcoholic as such, as he could often drink some wine with dinner then go to bed / get up for work quite normally, but occasionally the wheels would fall off and it was like living with a vile zombie. It was often bought on by stress (only recently diagnosed ADHD), he found it hard to deal with anything difficult, like problems within his business, or if I had a job interview or had to go away for work. The ‘episodes’ could last between 2 and 11 days, leaving me in survival mode. The cycle involved downing a bottle of wine, eating a few mouthfuls of takeaway, glasses smashed, ordering cocaine, passing out, lying in his own vomit, wailing like a banshee, leaving the house, then later / next day banging on the door to be let back in (despite having keys) - ON REPEAT.
It was really quite disturbing and scary, difficult to cope with alone, often ruining birthdays or other occasions. Ambulances have been called, and he always discharged himself to get more booze, just to ease the comedown. You never knew when each episode would end and believe me, I tried all ways of supporting and reasoning with him. He was always remorseful after, saying he couldn’t remember anything and didn’t want to be like that. I know his previous partner and wife both had 10 years each of this behaviour too. But I thought we were so happy together that surely I could help him break the cycle ?

After 10 months, he went to rehab for 10 days, which cost around £12K (on a credit card!) and he managed to stay clean and sober for 6 months, until we went on holiday and it all started again. 2 years later I could not take anymore and told him we were selling the house, quitting our jobs and moving away to the Welsh countryside - he needed to go to rehab again (which my work insurance paid for) and if he could promise to make it work, he could come too - if not I would go alone. I loved him, when he was ok he was wonderful, and we had such a great time together - really hard to walk away from that, but I’d had had enough of the episodes of outrageous behaviour.

Rehab plus the work he put in proved successful for the next 20 months, although I struggled with the fact everything was always about him, and his recovery. What about me, and what I’d been through ? However we started a business together, which despite its success could be quite stressful. I had a couple of mental health breakdowns, which I think were partly hormonal (he loves to call me a ‘mad menopausal bitch’ when angry), but I battled on, holding everything together when he continued to spiral out of control. By this point we’d bought a new home, I loved it and spent a lot of time renovating and making it lovely for us. But it was just a Band-Aid really, my heart had been slowly hardened over the many years of trauma. We had counselling, separately and together, but it was so hard to move on from his addictive and destructive behaviours when they were still happening, including messaging random women for attention (if I wasn’t providing it), booking a session with a transsexual hooker (it never concluded as he / she wouldn’t let him in as too drunk!), and leaving me in the shit when he was on a bender. For context here - he has some history of sexual abuse and family trauma - I’ve always tried to be there for him and he’s had counselling, but we haven’t had any sexual contact for 7 years. We still used to cuddle a lot but I slowly withdrew from that too. We ended up being just best friends really…that’s more than many partnerships are and we were ok with that. Plus I was not going to walk away from my home and lose everything…when we were still each other’s ‘person’.

The final straw however - he wrote my car off. I’m guessing he had alcohol in his system but this is still to be disputed. I decided I must end the relationship, put the house and business on the market which was a tough decision as I will now not be able to buy alone, so will have to rent which is going to stretch me financially as a single person, as I am starting from scratch with my next business project so no income as yet.
My ex planned to move to his brother’s house for a while, he was not relishing the prospect as it’s not an ideal situation for somebody of his age but he needed cheap digs whilst studying / retraining and focussing on his recovery. In all honesty I felt it fitting he should suffer for a while, lifestyle wise, after all I’d been through because of him. I’m surprised I’ve survived this all so far tbh, but had hope that at least I’d never have to go through another potential relapse, and also that I’d end up with a nicer new home than him !

I have just found out, via his phone (he knows I know the passcode) that he is in a relationship with somebody who has been sniffing about for a while. She has 2 teenage kids and has just ended her 32 year relationship, probably waiting for this new glimmer of hope to finally throw her husband out. She only knows the good bits about my ex’s life that she reads on FB, although he has probably since confided in her about his recovery situation, etc. They can only have been together properly once or twice, yet both say they’ve been with the wrong people until now, and now is THEIR TIME ! I wasn’t the wrong person, I just couldn’t offer him the charmed life he wanted on a silver platter. She has just been to the solicitors for an initial meeting about filing for divorce, fuelled by this new spark of love and excitement. My ex encourages her too, obviously! I have since discovered she has a very well paid job and lives in a big £1.2M house in a stunning exclusive location - way more than my ex could ever dream of, let alone hoped to live in ! I bet the £££ signs are flashing in his eyes and he thinks he’s won the lottery ! He will have very little financially to contribute after our house sale, minimal pension, no car and no job. I doubt she knows this… And to think, the new woman is already unhappy with her soon to be ex-husband because he doesn’t have a job ?!

The fact they are talking about forever after just weeks of being a couple smacks back to how things were at the start of our relationship, and how maybe I should have been more cautious. Little did I know that to have happiness and a home together, I’d also have to endure and suffer a lot of awful things.
She still has the divorce to go through yet, which could get messy.

So my question is, SHOULD I WARN HER ?
OR - should I let the husband know they are together ? My ex is already terrified that I’ll ruin him by showing any new partner photos / videos I have of him during his episodes. I could just let them all get on with it, hoping the wheels will fall off again eventually and he’ll destroy that too. But my concern is, maybe he won’t relapse this time, as he won’t have any stress, or a business to be worrying him ! Please don’t think I’m an awful witch - despite all he has done, I really did want him to recover and be happy (eventually), just not THAT happy and privileged - as some kind of consolation, I’d hoped to have the better and more comfortable outcome from this whole situation, than the one that was originally intended (him dossing at his brother’s). I know he’ll do his utmost to get his feet under this new table and keep them firmly rooted there, and I don’t think he deserves such a fairytale ending whilst I’ve suffered and will continue to do so as I have lost everything.

Please be kind here. I’ve suffered enough trauma already and just need some external opinions…

@ThisWormHasTurned wow, that sounds similarly harsh on you, I’m sorry you’ve had to endure that.
I honestly do not know how men can suddenly ‘change’ for the next person - but I bet it’s not all a bed of roses either.

That is one thing I kept saying to myself - I’m not letting him take me down with him too.

No kids fortunately - I was almost too old when we met and knew it wouldn’t be a good environment to bring a child into either.

Hmmm I’ve been fairly stoic about it. Honestly; when he told me he was seeing someone I had already guessed. He was flustered when I said I’d guessed already 😆 When he proposed to her, on their second anniversary, she posted on her social media. I couldn’t see it because she’s blocked me (and to be fair I’ve blocked him). I only found out when a mutual friend saw it and contacted me to check in and sent me the screenshot. That’s when I found out their first date/anniversary was 1 month and 1 day after we split 🤔 but honestly, the first thought when he said he was seeing someone was ‘Oh good, he’s got someone else to moan to now’. Misery is his default setting and I feel for her.

In retrospect, I believe my XH has narcissistic traits. His mother is overt. She genuinely said to be once ‘I’m the most modest person I know’ 😆😆😆 the irony! He had a terrible childhood and it affected him far more than I realised. He is a master of change, adapting to be whoever he thinks people want him to be. For me, a Christian, sober, non-smoking fun loving guy. For her - atheist (I assume, he doesn’t go to church any more), heavy drinking and now smoker! He even goes by a different nickname. Underneath it all is a lost soul, a boy who never really grew up, who only knows how to manipulate people. I’m glad to get out and DD is opting to have less and less contact. Like I say, we are so much happier without him here.
You know what they say - the best revenge is a life well lived!

Hey I'm a few days late but in your shoes to a degree so understand alot of what you have written.
So for me. I met a mam 14 years older. He was in Construction.. renting a house on his own..had a dog etc. Openingly told me how he had split from his ex 2 years before. They were still mates! He also told me of his battle with alcohol. He'd nor been to paid rehab. He went to hospital several times and after an overdose stayed for 8 days and got sober. He's never drank since.
But he very much won't into coke/crack pregablins, weed and anything else he could get high on. Other than weed he denied everything. But addicts are not the best liars. Eventually I saw everything i needed to see. Pipes. Drug bags. Then the lies about money started. Then the lies about women started. Then the lies about friends started. At his worst he didn't bother with me for 7 weeks and staged a millions arguments to avoid me because he had a dealer staying on his sofa! When he finally got rid of him he was rocking some very expensive clothes and several pairs of trainers. He had turned into a complete idiot. 50 years old and acting like a 21 year old lad from the estate.
He was unrecognisable.

He made my life hell. My life all about him. You understand that don't you? It's a show all about them. Then we start to get sick in the middle of it all. But in their eyes. What have we got to grumble about? You get neglected. But you get taught you don't have the right to feel. Look how much money he cost you. Look how much damage he's caused to your property. The years he's taken away from you.

I don't advice warning the other woman. For many reasons. I got sucked in to the drama triangles. I had abuse from his cousins. Because they make out we were unhinged! I also found his ex didn't want to engage with me. She was involved in a friendship with him for 2 years of our relationship. It made me stressed because he was doing it to create drama. He didn't care about me. Or her. He used us both to get his support with no interest in return any. She got a boyfriend 2 years ago. As far as I know she's never spoke to him since. I saw she got rid of alot of their garden stuff on Facebook that he used to bang on about. Honestly the ex was traumatised and felt responsible for his wellbeing. She stuck around through guilt. But she's moved on now.

I know how much trauma is inside you. Your minds full. But you are the only person who matters now. Not her. Not him. You. You know the truth..it was not caused by you. He was a mess before you met him. You didn't drive him to drink and snort coke. You was a loving generous partner who hoped ge would change his ways. I dont know when it will click for you. But it will. Free of his chaos means not continuing to get involved in his chaos. If she's the woman he can change for then let her bluddy have him.

Please message if you see this and want to talk. I could say so much more x

@Melonjellies thanks for empathising and sharing your story. It’s awful watching this take the person you love away from you, isn’t it - but it does help to know you’re not the only one. My stories are limitless too (thinking of writing a book!) ! It’s enough to drive anyone crazy.
My main point here is the fact the new woman is pretty well off, and I don’t think he deserves such a bright future outcome after all he’s done, it’s just not fair. Had she a regular income and a more humble home I might have cared less ! He’s 7 months sober and doing great - with a less stressful life ahead of him he stands a good chance of staying that way, especially if desperate to cling onto his new lifestyle. She is not really his type in so many ways, but I think she’s had her eyes on him for a while. They have gravitated through the need for love, after relationships have broken down, whether through fault of their own or their partner’s. She certainly cannot know the awful thruths of his past yet, he’s not going to proffer those up in the honeymoon period ! Also - she’s just ending her marriage. Divorce could get messy and that could trigger further stress for my ex, in which she could get to witness the fallout of a bingeing episode.
It’s a difficult thing to have to watch play out when you know this has caused enough pain already and could cause plenty more, there’s a bit of me that just wants to put a stop to it because I can…

@ThisWormHasTurned I really get you there ! Men (so very often) are like big babies, and they just have an intrinsic need to be cared for - but that can feel like having an additional child for the woman ! They seem predatory to get what they want but I guess to them it’s simply ‘survival’, in the least painful way ! It’s a shame these kinds of men have little remorse for the damage they leave in their wake. My ex actually does, but it’s too late - he’s onto the next and fallen for the initial fluffy feels (and made her too!) - alarmingly quickly, if you’re an outsider with inside knowledge !
I’m happy for you that it looks like you’ve dealt with this and come off well in the end, and I’ll take that as inspiration for myself, once things aren’t so fresh. I just feel humiliated right now that he’s off living his best life whilst I’ve got years if not a lifetime of financial uncertainty ahead of me.
Life sucks and I’m always falling so far behind.

You don't need to write a book, that will only keep you focused on HIM and what HE'S done or what HE'S doing rather than focusing on YOURSELF and building your own happy life.

You've already written half a book here, including a dramatic narrative about how he's unfairly going to get a bright future instead of some kind of karma for what he did to you, which you have absolutely no real idea of whether it will happen or not. It's just a story you're telling yourself right now.

You need to get him out of the house and block yourself from all contact with him, including blocking his social media, and hers, and any other means you have to keep looking at snatches of his life, because it's keeping you stuck on him.

You made many many choices over the years to stay with him through behaviour that most people would find completely unacceptable and as much as you say it was because you love him, in part it was because you didn't expect better for yourself.

So as regrettable as it is, you made the choice to accept a shitty relationship for a long time when you didn't need to. Perhaps if you had taken better care of yourself instead of focusing on him, you wouldn't be so hung up on the idea of wanting your ex to suffer for what you in part put yourself through.

You need to go to therapy and deal with your co-dependence issues, not try to throw a spanner in the works of a new relationship that he will most likely fuck up all by himself given time.

He's not your problem anymore and not part of your future. Repeat this to yourself as often as you need to.

Honestly, this time 3 years ago I was in a complete state wondering how I’d ever manage. I’m neurodivergent. Living as an independent single Mum with a dog hasn’t come easy, but it’s worth having. Maybe I am a little bitter at times - I’m in a bit of debt, although I got promoted (yay me!) which is helping, but our summer holiday was 4 nights away in a borrowed campervan (it was an adventure) which I struggled to afford even with family help….while he is getting new tattoos, massive TV, engagement rings, multiple holidays including 2 abroad…yeah it’s a bit galling. But I’d rather be skint and free of him than comfortable and married!
He did something that came to light yesterday that reminded me of just how much of a knob he can be. When I called him out on it, he made noises about how we can both learn from it 🤷🏻‍♀️ but yeah, just keep focused on the positives.
Tell you what is lovely to do? Get a jar or tub. Every time something nice happens that makes you smile, write it on a bit of paper, date it and put it in the jar. Next NYE, read them. It keeps you focused on finding the positives through the year and when you reflect back on it, you’ll be reminded of all the happy memories rather than focusing on the negative.

A while before we split, I had therapy. She kept saying ‘You keep talking about him, I want to hear about you’. It was eye-opening because I hadn’t realised that over time our whole existence had revolved around him. His wants, his needs. A lot of choices were based around what he didn’t like. Colour for pram - pink? Too girly? Purple? Same. Light blue? Man City colours. So we picked the one he disliked the least! It’s insidious. You don’t realise it’s happening.
It took me a long time and a lot of therapy to start putting myself first, so that in turn I could care for DD. 3 years on, I’m getting there.

Personally if that was me I'd ruin him, yes you should move on, yes you should let him show her his true colours eventually and let them get on with it but for me I couldn't let that happen after what you've just wrote! I'd be after somewhat of revenge considering what that piece of shit has put you through and what he has made you lose work wise and home wise I would not be ok with him planning his fairy tale ending with a woman with a shit load of money while you struggle after years of working your ass off and it being fucked up because of him. Yes I may sound bitter and yes it would be bitter but I 100% get why you would want to warn her and tell her about his little episodes and his little habits and how he is not this lord of the manor he is projecting at her!

I really think this approach is not good for the soul.

Part of getting over a toxic relationship is accepting all your own mistakes and and poor choices and naivetes - that you waved away red flags, that you ignored your own discomfort and intuition that things were off, that you accepted disrespectful treatment, that you left yourself vulnerable to abuse by not giving yourself the security of a 'fuck off fund' etc.

Some of this can be due to sheer ignorance but in most cases, we have at least some idea that we are rushing into things, that we are making poor choices, that we deserve better, etc, and yet we throw our efforts away on someone who repeatedly proves themselves undeserving of them.

We do not heal this by trying to take revenge on the person who we allowed to do us wrong. We heal by making better choices, by pursuing our own karma and leaving them to theirs.

If (by some miracle) her ex actually has gotten his substantial alcohol issues under control, and has worked so hard on himself that he is able to build a functional relationship with someone who is willing and able to support him - does the OP have a right to try to punish him by interfering in his new relationship?

No, she doesn't. That's her being controlling and not accepting the reality of their relationship, which is that she played a big part in her own misfortune too.

Only when she accepts that can she focus on herself and trying to build a better life for herself, without worrying whether he has "done better" than her. That will only keep her stuck and resentful.

There’s no point seeking revenge on an alcoholic- the alcohol takes away way more than you ever could.

As @CheekyHobson said it can be useful to be curious about why we allow ourselves to be treated badly (if we have) & examine whether we may have been co-dependent or controlling ourselves.

Best revenge is a life well lived!
My favourite phrase through my divorce has been ‘I did the best I could with the information I had at the time’. I get that I was vulnerable to a manipulative man. I had no idea what red flags were. I’ve learned and grown since we split. That’s what’s important to me.