Please sit down, this is the short version but still a long one…!
I met my now ex 10 years ago, we hit it off immediately - funny, affectionate, so much in common, we were practically twins ! He lovebombed me and was very needy, but I was too blind to see any red flags. I had a little cash in the bank and within 5 weeks we were buying a house (jointly). For context - we were both in our 40’s, blissfully happy and 100% certain we wanted to be together forever.
It didn’t take long for me too learn of his alcohol problem. I didn’t believe he was an alcoholic as such, as he could often drink some wine with dinner then go to bed / get up for work quite normally, but occasionally the wheels would fall off and it was like living with a vile zombie. It was often bought on by stress (only recently diagnosed ADHD), he found it hard to deal with anything difficult, like problems within his business, or if I had a job interview or had to go away for work. The ‘episodes’ could last between 2 and 11 days, leaving me in survival mode. The cycle involved downing a bottle of wine, eating a few mouthfuls of takeaway, glasses smashed, ordering cocaine, passing out, lying in his own vomit, wailing like a banshee, leaving the house, then later / next day banging on the door to be let back in (despite having keys) - ON REPEAT.
It was really quite disturbing and scary, difficult to cope with alone, often ruining birthdays or other occasions. Ambulances have been called, and he always discharged himself to get more booze, just to ease the comedown. You never knew when each episode would end and believe me, I tried all ways of supporting and reasoning with him. He was always remorseful after, saying he couldn’t remember anything and didn’t want to be like that. I know his previous partner and wife both had 10 years each of this behaviour too. But I thought we were so happy together that surely I could help him break the cycle ?
After 10 months, he went to rehab for 10 days, which cost around £12K (on a credit card!) and he managed to stay clean and sober for 6 months, until we went on holiday and it all started again. 2 years later I could not take anymore and told him we were selling the house, quitting our jobs and moving away to the Welsh countryside - he needed to go to rehab again (which my work insurance paid for) and if he could promise to make it work, he could come too - if not I would go alone. I loved him, when he was ok he was wonderful, and we had such a great time together - really hard to walk away from that, but I’d had had enough of the episodes of outrageous behaviour.
Rehab plus the work he put in proved successful for the next 20 months, although I struggled with the fact everything was always about him, and his recovery. What about me, and what I’d been through ? However we started a business together, which despite its success could be quite stressful. I had a couple of mental health breakdowns, which I think were partly hormonal (he loves to call me a ‘mad menopausal bitch’ when angry), but I battled on, holding everything together when he continued to spiral out of control. By this point we’d bought a new home, I loved it and spent a lot of time renovating and making it lovely for us. But it was just a Band-Aid really, my heart had been slowly hardened over the many years of trauma. We had counselling, separately and together, but it was so hard to move on from his addictive and destructive behaviours when they were still happening, including messaging random women for attention (if I wasn’t providing it), booking a session with a transsexual hooker (it never concluded as he / she wouldn’t let him in as too drunk!), and leaving me in the shit when he was on a bender. For context here - he has some history of sexual abuse and family trauma - I’ve always tried to be there for him and he’s had counselling, but we haven’t had any sexual contact for 7 years. We still used to cuddle a lot but I slowly withdrew from that too. We ended up being just best friends really…that’s more than many partnerships are and we were ok with that. Plus I was not going to walk away from my home and lose everything…when we were still each other’s ‘person’.
The final straw however - he wrote my car off. I’m guessing he had alcohol in his system but this is still to be disputed. I decided I must end the relationship, put the house and business on the market which was a tough decision as I will now not be able to buy alone, so will have to rent which is going to stretch me financially as a single person, as I am starting from scratch with my next business project so no income as yet.
My ex planned to move to his brother’s house for a while, he was not relishing the prospect as it’s not an ideal situation for somebody of his age but he needed cheap digs whilst studying / retraining and focussing on his recovery. In all honesty I felt it fitting he should suffer for a while, lifestyle wise, after all I’d been through because of him. I’m surprised I’ve survived this all so far tbh, but had hope that at least I’d never have to go through another potential relapse, and also that I’d end up with a nicer new home than him !
I have just found out, via his phone (he knows I know the passcode) that he is in a relationship with somebody who has been sniffing about for a while. She has 2 teenage kids and has just ended her 32 year relationship, probably waiting for this new glimmer of hope to finally throw her husband out. She only knows the good bits about my ex’s life that she reads on FB, although he has probably since confided in her about his recovery situation, etc. They can only have been together properly once or twice, yet both say they’ve been with the wrong people until now, and now is THEIR TIME ! I wasn’t the wrong person, I just couldn’t offer him the charmed life he wanted on a silver platter. She has just been to the solicitors for an initial meeting about filing for divorce, fuelled by this new spark of love and excitement. My ex encourages her too, obviously! I have since discovered she has a very well paid job and lives in a big £1.2M house in a stunning exclusive location - way more than my ex could ever dream of, let alone hoped to live in ! I bet the £££ signs are flashing in his eyes and he thinks he’s won the lottery ! He will have very little financially to contribute after our house sale, minimal pension, no car and no job. I doubt she knows this… And to think, the new woman is already unhappy with her soon to be ex-husband because he doesn’t have a job ?!
The fact they are talking about forever after just weeks of being a couple smacks back to how things were at the start of our relationship, and how maybe I should have been more cautious. Little did I know that to have happiness and a home together, I’d also have to endure and suffer a lot of awful things.
She still has the divorce to go through yet, which could get messy.
So my question is, SHOULD I WARN HER ?
OR - should I let the husband know they are together ? My ex is already terrified that I’ll ruin him by showing any new partner photos / videos I have of him during his episodes. I could just let them all get on with it, hoping the wheels will fall off again eventually and he’ll destroy that too. But my concern is, maybe he won’t relapse this time, as he won’t have any stress, or a business to be worrying him ! Please don’t think I’m an awful witch - despite all he has done, I really did want him to recover and be happy (eventually), just not THAT happy and privileged - as some kind of consolation, I’d hoped to have the better and more comfortable outcome from this whole situation, than the one that was originally intended (him dossing at his brother’s). I know he’ll do his utmost to get his feet under this new table and keep them firmly rooted there, and I don’t think he deserves such a fairytale ending whilst I’ve suffered and will continue to do so as I have lost everything.
Please be kind here. I’ve suffered enough trauma already and just need some external opinions…