Husband won’t stop smoking weed even after ultimatum

[Snowdrops12]

I’ve never liked him smoking weed throughout our 21 years of being together but it would be extremely occasional and I agreed to not make a fuss since I thought it was so minimal. The last few months, I’ve noticed he’s smoking a lot more, some weeks almost daily. He says it helps him relax and cope with the stressful and demanding job that he has and believes he has no side effects from. However I see the side effects and his foul mood, short temper and general negative behaviour after his come down.

our relationship has always been very up and down, I’ve never been able to pin point what the problem is other than his stress load and having 3 young children, but despite all my efforts, we’d always end up in the same cycle of argument>talk>promise to make changes>have a short period of calm before it all started again.

he recently had an unnecessary outburst at home, and I found this unacceptable and in turn lost my shit. Told him I’ve had enough of this behaviour and him using his work stress as an excuse for everything and that he needs to seek help. He agreed to come to marriage therapy (I’ve been seeing a therapist for years to be able to cope with him)

The penny also dropped for me when I realised it’s the smoking that does this to him so after the therapy agreement convo and his apology, I told him he actually needs to stop the smoking because ultimately this is what’s causing all our problems. Gave him an ultimatum to stop or he’d risk losing his family and he basically said he won’t agree to stop but will agree to smoke less and never bring it to the house (which he very recently started bringing it to the house and smoking it on a walk outside)

I hadn’t realised until this moment that he is clearly more dependant on it than we all realise. It explains his foul moods and volatile behaviour. Holidays are always particularly unpleasant to be around him and it now explains probably its withdrawal.

what on earth do I do? He’s got narcissistic tendencies and loves to twist and blame things on me and has now said it will be my fault if our family break up because I’m making an issue out of nothing and he won’t accept to be controlled by anyone or be told what to do.

I have had extensive chats with his mum who I am very close with and she believes I need to put my foot down. I’m just so scared to do this. So scared to say FINE GO and face separation / divorce. I am fully financially dependant on him, we have a life many envy and on the outside it’s a fairytale. I ultimately want our marriage and our life together to work but so much needs to change.

is there any hope he will help himself? My sister said if I ask him to leave and he penny truly drops for him he will realise what he’s lost and will wake up. But if he’s been smoking for all these years can he give up? I don’t even know if he wants to give up. He’s completely delusional about it’s affect on him and I feel so stupid for not noticing it sooner!

Hiya, I think if you're in Hampshire UK - try contacting PSLcharity.org.uk for some support ❤it's all totally free of charge.

Best of luck

Weed doesn’t have a come down and doesn’t really cause the issues you’re describing. Are you certain it’s the weed and not the actual stress that he’s under? Tbh the bigger problem is it doesn’t sound you like him at all and him stopping weed isn’t going to be the miracle answer to everything. You can either understand him and try to work through this together or you can continue to drive him away by giving him ultimatums you know yourself you won’t follow up on.

Brilliant post that gets to the heart of it.

OP, I am sorry you are in this situation. Def read about co dependency, trauma bonding etc.

There is a book called ‘Why does he do that' by Lunfy Bancroft which may be an eye opener for you.

From your first posts its obvious you are in a really rubbish relationship but you believe him to have complex issues which need you to resolve/ support/ understand.

Your later post then reverses and you declare him a good hearted person, tired from saving the world.

You are deep in the fog here.

I hope you are able to extract yourself, I know it's very scary, but it's lovely on the other side.

I have some close hand experience of this. Long story short, no he won't get any better unless he wants to and it sounds like he's had ample opportunity. Time to accept is what you've got is what you're going to keep getting unless you choose another way.

Do not make the mistake of clinging onto what you have to save your children from a broken home. The term itself is a nonsense, it's loaded with guilt and misinformation and shame. Don't do it to yourself.

has now said it will be my fault if our family break up because I’m making an issue out of nothing and he won’t accept to be controlled by anyone or be told what to do.

Just agree. Great, I hear you. I don't want to control you or tell you what to do, you're a free man. My decision to end the relationship, absolutely, and I take full responsiblilty for it, so yes, off you go. Save your energy.

You're fifty percent of this situation and while you feel overwhelmed, you do have choices. There is advice out there regarding your financial situation and how to take one step at a time and move towards something better for all of you, and help for families with addiction. Don't let anyone tell you it doesn't affect him, that there's no come down and it's not the weed. It is the weed, AND a whole host of underlying issues that you're not going to be able to fix with a weekly therapy session.

My partner had quite a bad weed habit he also had issued and had dysfunctional family etc

He stopped it for me as he knew I hated it and in the end he wasn't even getting stoned. It can be done if he really wants to

Probably better off being on your own you will be happier I bet

Having a dependancy on anything can cause issues when effects wear off, and of course when the substance isn't available (such as on holiday). You suggest she "works with him" how exactly? And I would suggest although his dependacy on cannabis might not be their only problem, it's certainly going to be a factor. Him getting treatment for that might not result in a "miracle" as you put it, but it would certainly be a constructive thing to do for their relationship. You accuse OP of "driving him away", seems to be the other way around to me, he's driving the wedge between them with his behaviour.

Agreed. It's misinformed to say that weed doesn't come with fluctuations in mood, or come down, and can absolutely have physical as well as mental withdrawal symptoms lasting several weeks depending on the use.

Bottom line, he may have narcissitic tendancies, unreasonable outbursts, moodiness on holidays when he can't access it (all of which will be familiar to anyone who has been partnered with a weed smoker and isn't in flat denial along with them) and the other negative traits and behaviours that OP has described, and, weed smoking isn't helping.

OP doesn't need to work with him ad infinitum, that's not her job.

It's not his work stress forcing years of weed on him and he's not "saving the world" (lol). He's just another half stoned and grumpy lame-brain weed addict.
I bet the weed is not the only thing he's taking OP.

He sounds exactly like my ex - if not for you having children with him, I'd have to name check with you OP! Hence I'm saying there's nothing special about him or his very, extremely important and very stressful job - he's only a copy-paste example of a selfish addict with enough disposable income to sustain his habit for as long as the habit will sustain him.

Mine, even when he was wealthy enough not to actively work for his business, carried on with his weed and at ever more escalating levels. Every day was a day of leisure and every day he was apparently stressed enough to use drugs.

You have entangled yourself into something horrible OP. But every day is a good day to start finding your way out. Someone up thread mentioned the abuse cycle and I think that will become very apparent to you soon.

And yeah, OMG - the holidays!! Every single one ruined with behaviour bordering on insane.

The problem with ultimatums is that the generally is the person giving the ultimatum thinks it is the behaviour from the other person needs to change.

In reality the behaviour of the person who's giving the ultimatum also needs to change. You say stop smoking weed or you risk losing your family as a ultimatum. Then you need to accept if he doesn't stop, he loses his family - and it's you that has to make that happen.

Also, and I'm not being unkind here, saying he'll "risk" losing his family isn't an ultimatum. He's been risking that for a long time.

You have to be prepared to leave - physically (as in know how that's happening) and mentally unless he makes actual action to stop - not just his words.

You also need to understand (and you do know this really I'm sure) theres a very high change he'll choose the weed.

You're trying to "fix" him and make him into someone you can love and be on an equal footing with. But his main relationship is with cannabis that he self medicates his disappointment with his life and he doesn't want to change that. So you need to tell him your boundaries and then he either accepts and gets external help to make changes, or you need to implement plan b (whatever that looks like for you). Being married to a stoner/alcoholic is no real partnership and you can't "save" them.

I'd say you'd want to plan to be self sufficient. As it's his own business he may suddenly not have the income required for reasonable maintenance (via dodgy means that might be hard to prove).
Or even quite likely he might just give it up and become a full time stoner rather than continue with the stress if he feels the money isn't coming to him.

You don’t have to stay in a relationship with this man. Talk to legal aid and domestic violence services and get as much information as you can. You don’t have to do anything, but someone might be able to help you out if this.

If his job is that stressful, he should get a less stressful job. He needs to change his life, not use weed as a prop up.

I'm so sorry for your situation.

@Snowdrops12

The problem with an ultimatum is that if you don't follow through, all your words and threats from that point on are useless if you don't carry through. He will know that he can do as he pleases and you will do nothing. And so, he will carry on doing as he pleases.

So, you either follow through and separate now or you make up your mind that since nothing you say from this point on will matter a hill of beans to him, you may as well save your breath to cool your porridge.

I'm currently going thru this my partner been smoking far to much weed to the point he blacks out and is a abusive to me then next day he don't remember shit just says sorry 😔

He's a loser. I wouldn't waste another second on him.

Came on to say exactly this. If you give an ultimatum, you have to be prepared to follow through, otherwise it's pointless.

Well, ultimately we won’t know the nuances of their relationship so all we can offer is our opinion. To me it sounds as if the issue is op isn’t actually very happy with her partner in general as she describes him being selfish etc. we only have her side of the story though and tbf it sounds like he might have a good heart, just under a lot of stress- not to mention he completely financially supports op.
considering how much he puts into this business that financially supports the family I just don’t see the issue with a bit of weed… I stand by the opinion that it’s probably more the stress he’s under that’s causing the behaviour not the weed

its hard to explain if you’re not a user of weed, it’s not like alcohol. Dependency yes but certainly no bad moods in the morning, possibly anxiety from running out

anyway this thread has made me look forward to the edibles I’ve just had delivered. No smell, no lung damage, just a lovely body high and relief from stress and anxiety for an evening.