Husband won’t stop smoking weed even after ultimatum

[Snowdrops12]

I’ve never liked him smoking weed throughout our 21 years of being together but it would be extremely occasional and I agreed to not make a fuss since I thought it was so minimal. The last few months, I’ve noticed he’s smoking a lot more, some weeks almost daily. He says it helps him relax and cope with the stressful and demanding job that he has and believes he has no side effects from. However I see the side effects and his foul mood, short temper and general negative behaviour after his come down.

our relationship has always been very up and down, I’ve never been able to pin point what the problem is other than his stress load and having 3 young children, but despite all my efforts, we’d always end up in the same cycle of argument>talk>promise to make changes>have a short period of calm before it all started again.

he recently had an unnecessary outburst at home, and I found this unacceptable and in turn lost my shit. Told him I’ve had enough of this behaviour and him using his work stress as an excuse for everything and that he needs to seek help. He agreed to come to marriage therapy (I’ve been seeing a therapist for years to be able to cope with him)

The penny also dropped for me when I realised it’s the smoking that does this to him so after the therapy agreement convo and his apology, I told him he actually needs to stop the smoking because ultimately this is what’s causing all our problems. Gave him an ultimatum to stop or he’d risk losing his family and he basically said he won’t agree to stop but will agree to smoke less and never bring it to the house (which he very recently started bringing it to the house and smoking it on a walk outside)

I hadn’t realised until this moment that he is clearly more dependant on it than we all realise. It explains his foul moods and volatile behaviour. Holidays are always particularly unpleasant to be around him and it now explains probably its withdrawal.

what on earth do I do? He’s got narcissistic tendencies and loves to twist and blame things on me and has now said it will be my fault if our family break up because I’m making an issue out of nothing and he won’t accept to be controlled by anyone or be told what to do.

I have had extensive chats with his mum who I am very close with and she believes I need to put my foot down. I’m just so scared to do this. So scared to say FINE GO and face separation / divorce. I am fully financially dependant on him, we have a life many envy and on the outside it’s a fairytale. I ultimately want our marriage and our life together to work but so much needs to change.

is there any hope he will help himself? My sister said if I ask him to leave and he penny truly drops for him he will realise what he’s lost and will wake up. But if he’s been smoking for all these years can he give up? I don’t even know if he wants to give up. He’s completely delusional about it’s affect on him and I feel so stupid for not noticing it sooner!

You follow up on the ultimatum. What are the benefit you of being with him? There don’t sound to be any at all.

Actually I wouldn’t give me a choice now. He’s had plenty of time to give up. Just throw him out.

Sorry need to add: have you any savings from pre-children? Are you able to get a job?

(I’ve been seeing a therapist for years to be able to cope with him)

Read that back to yourself. Why would you stay in a relationship with a man who makes you need therapy?

He’s a truly kind person, has a good heart but is completely burnt himself to the ground trying to save the world and now is dependent on this shit to cope. He comes from a broken home with many many issues and I never wanted to put our kids through a broken home. I’m just shocked that he has done this knowing the negative affects of his upbringing and now history is repeating itself

@ArghhWhatNext weve been together since university. No savings of my own. I’ve been fully and whole heartedly devoted to our marriage and we had one pot of money while I worked before I stopped to have our children. I have started a business recently but it’s early days and I don’t pay myself yet.

I can not stand the smell, it knocks me sick.
You can smell people from a mile away who smoke it and they smell scruffy, it will be clinging to everything around you too. So for that reason alone I would be long gone.

@OurDreamLife ive never smelt it on him, he uses a vape to smoke it and it eliminates that smell you’re talking about so I’ve never smelt it on him ever. Otherwise would have picked up on it long time ago

However I see the side effects and his foul mood, short temper and general negative behaviour after his come down.

I’ve been seeing a therapist for years to be able to cope with him)

He’s got narcissistic tendencies and loves to twist and blame things on me and has now said it will be my fault if our family break up because I’m making an issue out of nothing and he won’t accept to be controlled by anyone or be told what to do.

Read all that back to yourself. You need to stop with the romantic, he's truly kind with a good heart bollocks, he has not been kind or good to you!
He's treated you so badly for years that you've ended up in therapy to cope. Is this really how you want your children to grow up?

Making ultimatums that you don't mean is useless. He's never going to change his behaviour because he knows you don't mean what you say.

You asked him to choose between drugs and his family, he chose drugs.
What more do you need to know?

What's your situation at home regarding work and childcare?

You need to consider a part time job if you're not working. It's likely when he sees you doing that to get self sufficient and leave that he will realise you mean it. Changes like that may convince him that your threats are not empty ones.

Does he ever see his mum? Are they close. Perhaps she could have a word with him about how she's noticed he's angry or whatever all the time and she's concerned?

Do you know where he buys the weed from? You could phone crime stoppers and grass the dealer in?

With regard to him not wanting told what to do, I bet his boss tells him what to do and he does it. He just doesn't like YOU telling him what to do. Which sounds like he doesn't value your opinion as an equal and probably hasn't got the respect he should have for you. Has your therapist said that too, just curious what she thinks you should do about the relationship (she probably won't say LTB but may have said something which hints at you doing that wouldn't be a bad thing).

Re his Big Job. Why is it so stressful? Can he make changes there? Reduce hours, move to a different post that may be slightly worse pay but less stress?

He must be spending what, a tenner a night on weed, that's £300 a month. Even if half that per night that's still £150 per month.

A) That's family money he's spending. How much do you get to put by for personal things from the family pot?

And B) that's between £2 and £4k a year. Could he take up another job that pays that amount less so he can be less stressed?

*give him a choice

The weed is a red herring. Smoking weed doesn’t normally turn someone into an arsehole, but I think that’s not important. What is important is he’s being an arsehole so you need to leave.

I would use the argument of how much is costs. I doubt very much he’s smoking £300 worth, that’s a lot.

Weed. It’s a big problem here, too. Hate the stuff.

As fruit says, there’s being an arsehole anyway…

But, the weed does bring new levels of arseholery!

A home with a drug addicted parent is already broken.

OP all I'm seeing in your post is an emotionally abusive relationship. Your relationship has it's 'ups and downs' - have a look at the cycle of abuse.

It sounds like he uses DARVO on you. Defend, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Talking about not being controlled by anyone, more like he doesn't want a woman telling him what to do.

You're doing that classic codependent thing of trying to analyse him. Thinking that if only you could work him out, things will change. It also means you make excuses for his appalling behaviour: he had a bad childhood, his parents weren't there for him, he is stressed at work, it's a Tuesday.

I can't believe your therapist hasn't discussed this with you. I also can't believe he knows his wife goes to therapy because of his behaviour and he won't lift a finger to change.

You're also making the mistake of thinking it's the weed and not him. The partners of alcoholics do this all the time. If only he didn't drink, we'd have a fabulous relationship. If only he wasn't such a selfish, self absorbed arsehole, things would be just perfect.

Why are you bringing your children up with this nasty little man? You need to contact a domestic abuse organisation and get some support.

You can contact Rights of Women for free legal advice and Gingerbread for advice on life as a single parent.

Yes, all of what username299 said.

So sorry to reas this OP. This was similar to my situation with my ex partner. His addiction to weed meant he was always totally out of it every evening and would have horrendous mood swings and behave appallingly when he wasn't stoned. After too many broken promises to seek help, I ended up saying that I was moving myself and our (1 year old) daughter out of the family house whilst he sorted himself out. I said I would support him from afar but that this wasn't an appropriate environment for me or our child. Rather than get help he got more angry, blaming me etc and his behaviour got worse and we formally separated and he agreed to sell the house. My advice is to get out if you can. I was fortunate in that I was financially independent so not reliant on him in any way - I suggest you look at how you can build up your own savings etc. Is there anyway you could stay with if you need to? (We moved in with my parents). Good luck OP, weed is awful stuff and the impacts can me more devastating than people realise when consumed in very large quantities

Sorry there’s a missing ‘not’ in this post.

I would not use the argument of how much he spends. It’s irrelevant, what is relevant is he’s an arsehole and making you unhappy. You can’t change him. This is who he is.

I am fully financially dependant on him, we have a life many envy and on the outside it’s a fairytale.

Probably this. Do you jointly own your home OP?

Maybe what needs to happen is that he needs to find a new job? It sounds like he stressed from the job (which might also be making him miserable and grumpy) and he's smoking because of the stress. Would he consider a new job with less hours and or less stress? He's always smoked weed by the sounds of it so it's impossible to know what is him and what is a result of the weed and job stress, maybe he'll still be an arsehole afterwards. Something major needs to change though.

Are you married to my brother?! He is exactly the same and has been smoking daily for the last 30 years. Absolutely foul if he hasn't had a smoke. His partner once went abroad with him and the kids and said never again due to his behaviour without it. They are effectively split now and co-parent. She was utterly fed up with his controlling, argumentative, abusive ways and I absolutely support her. I don't think he will ever stop and even the break up of their relationship wasn't enough for him to change. Because he started so young it's hard to separate the weed from the person so I'm sure he'd still be an arsehole without it. I think it's more dangerous than people thing especially if used everyday for a long time.
I would absolutely leave in a situation like this.

Full disclaimer - I also married a stoner. He went from smoking a LOT everyday in the house, to only on an evening outside, to every now and again with friends and never in the home or where the kids were. He also used to smoke cigarettes and gave up after us being together for 3 months. He made this promise our 3rd date. He is also the son of an alcoholic who had no off switch once he started. He now rarely drinks and if he does it's a max of 2 drinks as he recognises he can't control it. People can change if they want to.

@Chonk yes we jointly own our home and for about 9 years I paid a big chunk of my low salary into our joint savings to help with the mortgage. He has always covered everything else and since starting my business he covers everything entirely. He is a 50% owner of the business too. I just feel like I am so deeply tied up to this man I don’t know how I would cope.

Would we sell the house or keep? If he moved out I couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do I have any legal rights to living here whilst he continues the mortgage and all bills? How much maintenance would he have to pay me and the 3 kids?

re his job, no chance of changing, it’s his own business. I don’t deny he has a stressful work life and I appreciate what he does but he bites off more than he can chew and then uses stress as an excuse. He chooses this level of work and stress.

I think you need to see a solicitor for legal advice, I think some offer a free first appointment.
I think as a baseline you are entitled to 50% of all assets, so take copies of everything incl pension details.
You may get more than50% if you are main carer of children. You can use CMS calculator to see the minimum child maintenance you'd get and turn to us website to check any benefit entitlement, universal credit etc.
Would DH go to his GP, they may be able to refer him to addiction support /MH services/counselling and perhaps if he had prescribed medication for stress, anxiety, depression it would help and he would not need weed?
Staying in a relationship that you need to see a counsellor for isn't a good sign, it is probably also impacting you children, tiptoeing round dads bad moods etc
Can you talk to you counsellor and explore leaving him?
I know it will be scary.

Hi,

If he needs to use cannabis in order to relax, maybe he is depressed and needs some help. So many men struggle to identify they are actually depressed. If he is turning into a different person when he is not using, it could be unmasking an underlying mood problem. Or he may just be addicted and not be realising he is drug seeking.

Is it worth sending him to the GP or for him to see a counsellor?

Of course you are right in giving an ultimatum. Because even if people are unwell, there is still an obligation to wanting to become better. And if he is refusing that, then you are absolutely right, why should you be at the receiving end of his outbursts.