Alcohol/drug addiction (20 year old DS)

[soupsong]

DS is an addict; mainly alcohol but also cocaine and diazepam. Has spiralled over the last few years.
He is a student living 8 hours away but home for Xmas.

I am at my wits end with the lies, stealing of alcohol and lack of trust. I hate having to hide the few festive bottles I bought - he still found them.
He tells me he is getting support at university but I think that is very low key

I have signposted him to several organisations but it all gets ignored. Offered to pay for counselling, detox - ignored.

He has No money his loan was drained within a few weeks, no part time work. It is making me ill and I worry about having him under the same roof as younger DD.
I'm so close to telling him to go and stay with his Dad for remainder of the holiday.

It's really hard to watch someone you love so much self destruct in that way op,but the sad thing is he's probably not hit his rock bottom yet,I started off on diazapam,df118s and cannabis at the age of 13,by 14 I was on heroin sectioned at 17 spent time in prison was diagnosed with PTSD, EUPD, anxiety and depression.i hit my rock bottom got intense therapy.and was even taken on by the place I used to go to groups after 3 years of abstinence.

It's hard watching but it's also important you seek support to,adfam is a great support organisation for families going through this.i hope he gets the help he needs and accepts he has a problem that's the first step he has to admit it.

Good luck op sorry you are going through this and wish you all the best

From the age iof about 13 he was stealing alcohol and lying about it. We clearly didn't handle it properly; big telling off and then brushed under the carpet until the next inevitable time.

My immediate concern is how I handle this for the rest of the holiday until goes back to uni in 3 weeks. I'm not sleeping and I just feel permanently sick with anxiety and rage

Does he truly acknowledge that he has a problem OP?

My BIL is the same, he started very young, family for the most part turned a blind eye and couldn’t be bothered to deal with it. It’s now at it’s absolute worst and he’s over a decade into it and so it’s just impossible to stop him at this stage. I’ve posted about him before, PIL kicked him out, he stayed with us under the promise he was getting help and we paid for a rehab facility (he walked out early) paid for counselling (went to a few and stopped going) and eventually we also kicked him out after finding drugs and empty vodka bottles plus we were expecting a baby so we couldn’t keep him, he then moved in with a girlfriend who as of a few days ago has also kicked him out after all the same broken promises. He agrees he has a problem when he’s hungover but within a couple days when the hangover has cleared he insists it is under control and he doesn’t need help. In the last 6 months alone there have been a&e trips, found unconscious in the street and ambulance called numerous times, brought home by police, disappearing for days to God knows where with no phone so police have been called- it’s horrendous. But he’s an adult now, he’s in his 30’s and nobody has any control over him now.

I really wish (and PIL also wish) that they had taken it more seriously when he was younger and still dependent on then because they did have power then, they don’t now.

Thank you for sharing your story. This is my DS a few years down the line. He blames his behaviour on a myriad of factors (including potential ADHD which he expects me to sort an assessment for).
Seems to think that he has no responsibility for his behaviour which is why I see it getting a lot worse before he gets the wake up call.

He has no respect for me and is only polite when wanting something.

It is awful and I’m sorry you’re having to live with this. I would really recommend throwing whatever you can at it while he is still young and still somewhat dependent on you & his dad at least financially and for somewhere to live outside of uni. It will become that much harder to control or help once he has his own money and does live independently.

Depending on your local area there are charities and government funded programs that may be useful. There is an abstinent facility near us which we tried for BIL but after letting us sort a referral and a place he refused to go, Changing Lives offer different support (in our area at least), the GP can also signpost to different help and do referrals for rehab centres as well as counselling etc, there are AA meetings too and lots of online meetings. We’ve tried all of these with BIL but unfortunately he’s now in his 30’s and nobody has any kind of control over him, if there is anything at all to do now is the time to help before it is too late.

Thank you. I don't think he wants help really; not yet.
it's a bit of lip service I get sometimes and a list of blaming, but it's not sincere. He thinks on the whole he can manage everything and certainly isn't prepared to compromise his partying at uni.

I will try to talk to him again but am still so angry I can't face it at the moment.

I need practical advice on how to manage the next few weeks and then I will try to think about the longer term.
Do I insist he goes to his Dad's for the remainder of the holiday?
Do I insist he gets work and contributes to the household whilst he is here?

My brother was married to an abusing alcoholic, the fallout affected our whole family. Although DS isn't abusive I see similar patterns of behaviour with lying and blaming - I can't believe he doesn't want to get help

I suppose it depends on the relationship you want to have with him. Sending him away doesn’t send the message that you’re there for him if/when he needs you, I’d do anything I could to keep communication open and protect that relationship. There needs to be no alcohol in the house, whichever house he is at.

And re. insisting about work etc, how would you enforce this? And even if he got a job, you can’t force him to pay any of it to you unless you’re prepared to go for “pay up or get out” and personally if you’re worried about addiction I wouldn’t do that.

You have my empathy OP. My son is 25 and an alcoholic, weed smoking, pill popping walking deathwish.
I am now angry. So angry. And hurt and sad.
I too don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve honestly tried everything. Last year I read some brochures by AlAnon that say the alcoholic has to get to rock bottom. It sounds like both you and I are enabling still. I know I am. It’s hard but I need to break the cycle. We both do. I wish you all the luck with it.
My goal is to find a support group in the new year, maybe online. Could you do the same? If you’d like to chat online/zoom you could message me. X

So grateful to you all.
Yes angry is how I am too; it's eating me up and making me ill. It started off as worry, then fear and now anger.

So if I don't send him to his Dad's what do I do?
The work situation was literally to get him out of the house to do something productive as opposed to financially contributing. Routine, discipline etc. The other option was that he at least helped out at home (walk dog, do dishwasher etc), nothing slave like!
He is currently sleeping all day and pacing around at night which certainly isn't helping him.

Do I confront him about the alcohol he has stolen or is it pointless?

Pointless OP, it's gone, you both know where it's gone, it's not coming back. Why have another row? It won't change anything.

One thing I would say in his defence OP is that if he has ADHD his emotional maturity may be three years behind that of his peers. Perhaps thinking of him as having the emotional maturity of a 17 year old kid who is trying to self medicate his pretty major issues away would be more helpful than considering him a wasteful, partying 20 year old.

Can you help him to get assessed OP? When he asks you I kind of feel he really needs help here. His executive function is likely to be shit and it really might need a lot of babying to be able to manage. I have a young adult with ASD who is coping but really needs to do everything in baby steps with a lot of support.

Personally I'd say ignore the alcohol issues for now, you cannot fix those. If he can get a diagnosis (likely to take a while I know) then the meds may be a complete game changer for him. Don't buy any more alcohol to have in the house though while he is there.

I would let him do what he wants (within reason obviously). If he wants to sleep all day then leave him to it. Try to stop feeling the rage - remember this isn't all his fault, he had issues at just 13 that were swept under the carpet and this is where those issues have ended up. He didn't get the help and support he desperately needed then. Not blaming you of course, you weren't to know but the mix of possible ADHD and drinking at 13 were unlikely to go anywhere good!

I really think the only way you can help him is to help him get assessed for ADHD and that is what i would focus on right now. Forget all your other hopes for these few weeks (for your own sake as much as anything!) and get him moving down that (probably very slow) path. Unless he shows any signs of getting violent that is - then he goes to dads. Good luck OP, I hope he manages to turn things round.

You support him the best you can, whatever that looks like. If he is asking for help getting an assessment for ADHD then get started on that, if he does have ADHD then this is likely something he’s struggling to be able to organise himself and something that could actually change things significantly for him.

Lay down your house rules and boundaries, but with support in place. Such as- no alcohol in the house (a simple one), everybody in the house cleans up after themselves and chips in with the washing/dishes/dog walks. What I’d really do is do dog walks together and use that time to chat about things, it’s quite widely suggested that most people find it significantly easier to open up and speak freely when out walking because there is no serious face to face eye contact, no feeling of being trapped or having a formal sit down chat, it’s less pressure and easier to speak openly. You need to be able to voice your concerns and speak to him seriously about them, but that doesn’t look like saying “stop doing X or you’re moving in with your dad”. For an addict it really isn’t that easy although I wish it was. Taking my BIL as an example again, I do truly believe when he promises us things that he means them, I do believe he doesn’t want to live the way he does, but I also acknowledge that his need to have that drink and to take drugs is almost hardwired into his brain now, his mind and body physically hurt and his mental health plummets when he tries to stay sober and as soon as that drink passes his lips he feels better.

Of course getting clean and sober with support permanently is what he needs to do and it really will take a lot of work, effort etc to get there. BUT when actively in addiction, nothing compares to that drink, it’s not a want to them it’s a need. It’s like telling someone not to eat when they’re starving, it becomes such an instinctual need that it takes a lot of professional help, will power, determination, support and sheer grit honestly to change that.

Thank you, I am taking this all onboard...my past tactics of veering between rows/doing nothing haven't served me well so I clearly need to be different.

I have all the info for an ADHD assessment; unfortunately it won't be quick and I don't have the funds for a private one.
Rather than take control and organise it all for him (standard approach from me) I will let him have all the info and offer to assist him.
How successful that will be I don't know, he can't even manage to organise a repeat prescription.

I have tried to get him to do things with me but he literally won't lift a finger.

So sorry OP.
I can't even imagine what you are going through. Is this something you can speak to his dad about? Is he managing uni ok as in handing in assignments etc

Hi OP. I feel your pain/hurt/anger/sadness. I too am going through the same except my DS lives with me. The last year (when I realised there was a serious problem) has been horrendous to say the least. I am watching my DS destroy himself. My life is literally going to work because I have to. I have given him money to get him out of financial difficulties (debts/car accident/non payment of fines).

I have offered/suggested every possible source of help. He pays me lip service.

I wish I could advise you but I cannot even help myself.

I have spoken to many agencies etc. Zoom Adfam meetings. The support is amazing but it doesn't change the situation.

I have no life anymore. No desires, no motivation. It has destroyed me.

Look after yourself OP and I sincerely hope things change for the better🙏🏼

ADHD significantly increases your risk of drug and alcohol addiction.
I would absolutely prioritize a private assessment and then medication.
If he has ADHD he doesn't have the right levels of feel good chemicals in his brain and is constantly seeking out ways of improving those levels. He is basically running on empty in a way that is hard to imagine if your body has the balance it is meant to.
That combined with the emotional immaturity a pp described and the damaged executive functioning can make life very difficult.

Update... he spent the last 24 hours in bed, sweating, nauseous, headache which I thought might be flu but now thinking more likely to be withdrawal.

This morning I discovered him and cash from my purse missing then a text asking for me to pick him up from a random town centre address.
He swears he wasn't doing drugs but I can't do this anymore. I've told him to ring his Dad to pick him up and go there for the remainder of the holiday.

It's lie after lie and I can't carry on like this.

Hi OP. My heart really goes out to you. I don't know what practical advice to give you that you probably don't know already.

It is tragic and heartbreaking to watch your DS destroy himself.

Did he go to his Dads?

Op, I am sorry you are going through this. Please go to Al Anon - you will find help and support from people who are going through/have been through the same thing.

Thank you I will contact support organisations.

Yesterday I was bomabatded by messages saying how sorry he was and much he loved me (suspect to get me to sweep it under the carpet) but today he is being really hostile and cold.
I guess this is normal addict behaviour when they have been confronted

Doesn't help that ex and I are on bad terms and I can only imagine what rubbish about me DS is being fed

Easy to say but if you have someone in the house with an active addiction you can’t allow access to any money/ cards or anything easily sellable jewellery/ devices etc. Sadly they won’t be able to help themselves taking so they can use. Lock it all away in a safe to keep it safe.

Yes you're right. I suspect he also took my debit card as I can't find it anywhere but thankfully nothing has left my account and I cancelled the card.
Not sure if I should ask him or if it's pointless.

You are doing the right thing sending him to his dad. It must be incredibly hard for you but the only help you can give him now is to help him reach rock bottom. He won't be doing any work at all at college. He won't be even turning up to classes. He will be pissing his friends off soon. The reason I'm saying this because by the summer you might well find he wants to come home.

So what if he makes things up when he's talking to his dad? His dad is going to find out the hard way.

Addiction is terrible. For all involved. I'm so sorry you are going thru this

But he literally cannot help it now he is in its throes. Explaining, helping, punishing etc will not work

Unfortunately he can only accept help when he has hit rock bottom, whatever that means for him.

Until then you must do whatever you can to not set him up to fail.
Unfortunately for you that means whenever he is home, hiding/locking up all cash/cards/jewellery/valuables
Also don't keep alcohol at home when he is over, don't even try hide it, just do without.

Maybe reach out to AA they might know of an organisation that might help you and your family. Stay strong